Okay, inthewrong I have found that post now. I have just changed a few details, because this was after all in response to another female poster who had confessed an affair, but actually I found that I had to change very little....by the way, my H and I are almost 2 years on now from discovery.
"I can tell you that it is possible for you to help your H with his pain and get a stronger marriage as a result. There are some things my H did after his affair that really helped me - and others that hindered my progress.
My H:
- Severed all contact with OW and told her never to contact him again, for any reason.
- Became instantly transparent in his actions. Understood that trust had gone and became an open book, inviting me to check his phone, his phone bills, internet history etc.
- Took the decision himself to get individual counselling to work out how it had been possible for him to go against all his values.
- Reassured me over and over again that OW could not compare to me in any respect. Kept telling me (and showing me) that he thought I was the most beautiful, desirable woman on the planet. Clearly, I am not, but it was obvious that he thought I was, which helped!
- Never once blamed me for this, recognising that this was about him and his faults - and not our marriage. His justifications, even at the time of his affair, had nothing to do with the state of our marriage, which was happy. To his shame, they were utterly banal; he was under a lot of stress and this could be a low-risk adventure that wouldn't hurt me, as I would never find out. Yes, later on, I could see why this happened when it did and how our marriage had become vulnerable, but the decision to have an affair is very much a choice. They don't "just happen".
- Praised virtually everything I did, from my professional abilities, my mothering skills to my friendship skills. Most of all, my gifts as a person. In essence, he told me why he loved me - and why others loved me.
- Was willing to talk endlessly and answer all my questions about the affair and our marriage up to that point (24 years). This was a major change, as he had never previously enjoyed "relationship talks".
- Changed his job role to allow more time with me and the DCs. This involved a professional sacrifice, but he was instantly happier, as the previous role had been the source of stress and depression, which was one of the catalysts for the affair.
- Did absolutely everything to make my life easier, understanding that my world had shattered and I was suffering a kind of post-traumatic shock. Nurtured me and cared for me.
- Showed and expressed his heartfelt sorrow and remorse for what he had done, over and over again.
None of the above has ever stopped incidentally, in 16 months since discovery.
He did do some things that hindered though and in your shoes, I would avoid if you can.
In the early days, he thought he had told me everything there was to tell - and wanted desperately to "get back to normal", not realising that there could - and shouldn't - be a "normal" again. Your lives have changed irrevocably and one can never "go back" - you have to create something new. It was at this sticking point that he went for counselling - and it was a breakthrough.
In terms of what I'm about to say next,have in the back of your mind that I wanted to know everything. I felt that only when I had absorbed everything in its true awfulness, could I move on and forgive. We understand painfully now that forgiveness is impossible when one doesn't know all there is to forgive.
He withheld some information so as to minimise the hurt - and his own culpability. Not huge details in the great scheme of things, but enough of them in volume to cause fresh pain when they emerged as a drip-feed over the past 16 months. It is better to tell all straight away, if your DH wants to know. It is vitally important that you respect his needs in this. If he doesn't want to know every gory detail yet, respect that, but answer truthfully when he does.
My H lied more directly about some things too, for the same reasons as above.
The most confusing ones were the lies he had told to himself - they took ages to unpick and were hugely frustrating for me - we look back now and refer to them as "battles". At times I doubted my sanity because I couldn't understand how he couldn't see what was obvious to me, and I imagined anyone else who was hearing his account. In all this, we discovered he had an enormous capacity to self-delude and put his head in the sand. His counselling found the root of all this - he had learned as a child to completely ignore direct and incontrovertible evidence that his own parents' marriage was a sham. This unfortunate coping mechanism had served him well in terms of survival and so it had stuck.
From the betrayed's perspective, it is very difficult if not impossible to heal when fresh information keeps coming out. The wound keeps being picked over. Some of this, I felt as though I was doing to myself, but I realise now it was because I didn't feel or sense that I had the whole truth, so I had to keep re-visiting things that didn't add up.
Eventually, you arrive at a "shared understanding" about the affair and your marriage. This is important, so you are on "the same page". From this, you move on to a kind of acceptance that this has happened, but it takes a long time and I wouldn't say I'm there yet.
It is terribly important that your husband confronts some of the things he might have believed in the past about affairs. For affairs like yours and my H's, they were not about the sex or even the other person particularly. They were about the feelings the affair induced - excitement, escapism from the trials and mundanity of life, being desired, respected and adored.
Whilst disliking gender distinctions in a general sense, it would be wise to note that historically, betrayed men fixate on the sex their wives were having with OM, imagining that they must be crap in bed compared to the lover etc., whereas betrayed women fixate on the emotional connection their Hs must have had with the OW. Sometimes, what ever the fixation, the "well intended lie" from the betrayer follows. These lies don't actually help in the long term and will always show out. Therefore be honest right from the start, but acknowledge that you might also be lying to yourself too. That's normal - don't beat yourself up about it! Do confront what you think you believe though.
IME, cuckolded men are far more likely to blame themselves for the affair and you should never let him do that. It's far healthier to acknowledge that some of his behaviours and your lifestyle might have made you vulnerable, but this was a decision you made and therefore take full responsibility for. The affair was a lousy catalyst to the shake-up you needed, but at least you know now - and it's out in the open. The challenge now is to learn from it.
Counselling is I think essential - but at the right time and in the right formation. My H did counselling on his own and I've just started my individual counselling, something I should have started long, long ago. Couples counselling at this early stage will work if you both commit to honesty. Had we gone for this too early, it wouldn't have been as successful because there just wouldn't have been enough hours available to unpeel the layers. It could be that you're both ready for real honesty, in which case it might work well for you.
It is possible to regard this life-changing event as an opportunity to gain an even better marriage."
inthewrong I don't know if this will help you at all, because you seem pretty self-aware and responsible to me, but I hope it resonates somehow.