Have confessed an affair to dh and now don't know what to do or how to be...

[inthewrong]

With apologies to all those on the other side of this. I don't deserve or expect any sympathy, but any advice would be very welcome.

I could take hours writing it all down, but I am a cliche, it's the oldest story in the book and you've heard it all before.

Basically, my husband and I have struggled for ten years of a thirteen year marriage. I built up a well spring of resentment and anger against him, and when someone I knew socially showed an interest in me (and he was very persistent) I succumbed.

I convinced myself I was in love with this man and my marriage was over all bar the shouting. The affair went on for almost a year, with breaks always initiated by me.

We never had full sex, but that's hardly the point, I know.

Towards the end of the affair dh and I went for counselling. At the beginning of the counselling OM and I were not in touch, but to my eternal shame, we got in touch again during it.

As a result of counselling, though, I learnt that all our problems were not dh's fault, that I had my part to play, and that maybe things weren't as bad as they'd seemed. There was hope. I cut contact with OM and decided to put everything behind me and try again with my marriage.

I could see dh trying so hard, and I could no longer bear to lie to him. I wanted him to have the full facts so he would know who he was married to and decide whether he still wanted me.

So I told him the truth. Naturally he is devastated. He has sorted out counselling for himself. I have apologised fully and swear nothing like it will ever happen again.
I am also having counselling and have been for a long time.

The thing is, I can't seem to explain to him how it happened. He says he accepts full responsibility for the state of our marriage, and the conditions that led to the affair, but that he can't understand how I could have made that leap.

My take on it is that I was in a very bad place at the time, lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage, angry with him and just so pathetically grateful for what seemed at the time like positive strokes. I can now see that I was a fool and my low self esteem had a lot to do with it.

I've tried telling dh this, tried to reassure him that I am going to work on my issues, apologised and said it won't happen again, but he just keeps saying he doesn't understand how I could have done it.

I wonder if he just wants me to say I'm a bad person.

He wants us to move house (the OM lives quite near here) and shut our business.

I can't believe the mess I've made and have no idea how to start putting it right.

Fully braced for a flaming...

That's kind of you, marmite.

I don't think I'd dare show him the thread. His main concern is humiliation and embarrassment, which is why he wants to close our business, I think.

Consistency is the key I think, but he just keeps pushing for an explanation, which makes me go down the "I was miserable" route, which then sounds like I'm blaming him.

Oh, it's just awful. Awful.

I'm going to give it to you from the other side...

My DH returned around 2-3 months ago having had an affair with a collegue. I can tell you how I would like him to behave, it might help, but people are all different.

Anyway, me and DH had been married a decade, again, cliche, 2 young DCs, me at home, him having an affair with a colleague. He got found out, we separated for a week, he came home to me and the kids.

The point is, yes the marriage had problems and for that, husband and wife are both responsible to varying degrees depending on what had happened. So...if you have a marital problem, you should concentrate on fixing it. If, instead, you have an affair, that is 100% your fault because regardless of responsibility for marital issues, an affair is not the answer and this decision had nothing to do with your DH. For me, I also cannot understand why DH had an affair - I understand the unhappiness, but I still don't understand how he could have done such a disgraceful and immoral thing in response which would injure me and the kids so terribly.

I would like my DH to actually understand this point - that his response to marital problems was wrong, stupid, deceitful, selfish etc etc. I don't suppose having the affair makes you a bad person, but it was a very bad decision, regardless of feelings for OM/OW.

I asked my DH what he saw in the future with OW - more kids - a stepsibling and a half sibling for our existing kids etc...I want to understand but I can't. He said he didn't think about the future, he just had strong feelings for now.

Not sure if I've said anythingremotely helpful, looking after toddler and in hurry! Haven't meant to be rude.

Not rude at all, qk. I'm sorry for your situation.

All I can say in my defence is that before the affair started I had made it really clear that I was unhappy, and I couldn't get dh on board to do anything that would help.

Also, I didn't get caught, I confessed. Dh says it's some comfort that I am saying "I'm sorry" rather than "I'm sorry I got caught".

But you're right, it was a terrible decision to make. It just didn't seem like a decision at the time. More of a slippery slope.

I had what I feel was an emotional affair though we never met but had slept together way back when. The first day the OM contacted me I told DH. I lied though as I would say I hadn't emailed when I had and said I would stop and then didn't.

It is all over now and DH dealt with him when he got in touch again the other week after a break and I feel so grateful that DH didn't divorce me and I am so happy with him.

When your DH says he has forgiven you, believe him. Men don't say that lightly. Ask him what he wants from you and above all keep talking and do not contact this om again.

Qk, if your husband had been telling you for several years that he was unhappy, what would your response have been?

Of course it was a terrible decision. But the issue here is that inthewrong didn't jump at an affair at the first opportunity; she tried for years and years to fix the marriage.

Inthewrong, you've still not told me what the marriage has to offer you. You've said that you're going back to something that's made you miserable. And ok, it's half your adult life (you're 30? I'm not a dissimilar age) but for ten of those years you've been unhappy. A third of your life.

And now, because you went the 'exit affair' route, you stand to lose the few things you had - the business, friends in the area - and what do you gain?

Honestly? What are you gaining? Because I do think this is an exit affair, and I wonder why you don't exit.

Thanks, Fab.

I'm finding it difficult as DH is laying down lots of conditions, such as shops to avoid, not going into our local town in case I bump into him, etc.

I understand his reasons for doing this, but I can't help but react badly to it. I'm honouring his requests, but I can't see how it's going to help our relationship in the long run if I feel controlled. That was one of the bugbears that led to our marriage problems.

I'm a disaster, really, aren't I?

Tortoise...you are very close to the mark.

I don't really know.

But I look at dh in tears when I say I've had enough, and I just can't do it to him or the children.

And I do think that something has kept us together all this time...and maybe we can both be better.

I just want to give us a chance, I suppose.

I think that the fact that you couldn't get DH on board to solve the problems prior to the affair might possibly be because you are the female and he's the male. In our case, I tried to get DH on board to solve our problems, again prior to his affair, but I couldn't. So even though our situations are reversed, in both cases, it's the wife that spotted/tried to solve problems first and the husband that either didn't see the severity of the problems/couldn't see a way to solve them etc.

Re the slippery slope, perhaps it might help you and your DH if you could put a date/event on the thing that firmly "crossed the line" in the first instance. For my DH, even though he didn't do anything physical until January, he had a dinner with OW back in November which although it was only a converstaion, it really marked the start of what happened. The line was crossed, the affair started from that. From then, there was something private between the 2 of them.

I also understand the embarassment - but perhaps your DH could consider that nobody is perfect, but many people appear perfect. Me and DH went somewhere today. He had his arms around me, he was kissing me, we had our DCs with us - your DH might see people like us looking perfect and think that he should feel embarassed about his situation whereas in actual fact, our situation is just the same and I would not think you need to be embarassed about it. Even if people have not been there themselves, they often know people who have. Personally, I think it is worth of quite a lot of respect that you and your DH have decided to stay together etc...people often see it as the "default" option, but actually it is a brave thing to do, to dissect all your marital problems, however longstanding, and make serious solutions to solve the.

I'm amazed how kind you are being, given your situation, qk.

It's funny, almost every couple we know have something similar going on, which is comforting to dh, but he is still utterly mortified.

inthewrong, are you having separate counselling? To explore your own issues, apart from the marriage?

Because - I'm really not trying to be an apologist, here, I'm not a 'she's female so the man must be the bastard in this scenario' person - the more you say, the more I think that the affair is sort of a red herring, and it was a horrible decision in part because you've lost the high ground. I also think that your concerns about the marriage were probably valid, since you've still not given me one reason save for 'the children' why you want to stay.

I understand the things that cheated-upon wives on this thread are saying, and I don't mean to diminish their experience at all. But I think there's more to this.

ITW - honestly - were you hoping that when you confessed, he'd call time on the relationship?

Yes, tortoise, I am having separate counselling and we are exploring much of what you are saying.

I told dh during our couples counselling that I was staying for the children. He said, okay, but I will show you we can be better. And he tried very hard, which is why I told him.

It's funny, I was gutted when I told him. Really scared. I'm just a bit of a mess about it all.

When he goes quiet on me I get scared, but I don't know what of.

When I think of us together in ten years, I don't know how I feel.

I think the word is "ambivalent".

I need to go now.

Will try to come back later.

Thank you all for your kind and helpful words.

Reading through all the posts, I tend to agree with tortoise about this - it seems very much like an exit affair. From what you've been posting in response, you do seem to be saying that you are still uncertain about staying with your DH.

You said that you were staying with him for the sake of the children. If that is really true then I think that is a very bad idea. However, I suspect that you won't really know what you want until all the dust has settled.

The problem now is that you have two separate things to deal with, and they are inextricably linked: the fall out from the affair, and whether, affair or not, the two of you have a future.

Just caught up as well. Agree with everything Geekdad said.

I'm not sure if I agree with tortoise or not...I think it depends

-how old are your children, I would say if they are preschoolers, I think I would be inclined to think that the marriage could do with more time to try and get fixed.

-can you remember how/why/how you felt etc about when you got together with your DH, do you think you belong together or do you think you ended up together?

-do you understand exactly what your current problems are and how you are going to go about fixing them or do you just see things carrying on?

In my situation, we have made some quite major changes (without selling the house!!) - for example, swapped rooms round, moved beds, amended working hours for him, timetabled sex (sorry if tmi!), did lots of family stuff (days out etc), made efforts to stay in touch all the time (email/text, not for checking up purposes, just for keeping relationship alive), tried to include eachother more in our increasingly separate lives and I believe that it is working for us and can see me, him and the DCs together in 10, 20 + years.

oh, and how long ago did you confess the affair to your DH. Time makes a lot of difference.

I think you have to reassess why you had the affair. You also have to stop the mindset that others propel you into doing things, such as the marriage was unhappy, DH wouldn't listen/communicate, I had no other option.

It's like a person/child who's not being listened to. Eventually they'll slam a door or break a vase to get the attention they seek.

An extramarital affair also gives the ignored attention. It takes very little to flatter someone you don't know and you get a lot in return. Think about it. If a sales assisstant chats and smiles and talks to you, you feel better. You'll go back to the shop.

I agree that your husband should have listened to you. His ostrich attitude to the problems you were facing has led to deep dissatisfaction on your behalf and these issues have built up. But as you now know, the affair wasn't the answer to your problems. Please understand that marriages aren't automatically programmed to be made in heaven. If it's not working on a continual basis then it's time for you both to reassess, minus the intrusion of the affair, and to respectfully call it a day. Very sad, I know, but if you both want to work at it, I'd give it a year, say, and then see where you both go from there.

All the best to you whatever you decide.

My situation is a little like qk except my DH hasn't come back and we're getting a divorce.

Dead on, celtic fairy. I've said to dh that I think I was attempting to crash my life, to impact on him one way or the other. I know it wasn't the right way to go about it.

Dead on with the flattery as well. I was craving attention.

The other way I have described it to dh is like a drug addiction. You know it will do you long term damage in the end, but the short term fix seems worth it, particularly when life is hard and you don't value yourself too much.

It's about two and a half weeks since I confessed.

Our children are 10 and 12.

I really, really don't want to move house, but I can understand why dh does and I'm willing to go along with it.

just a quick comment....don't move house until you decide whether the marriage is worth saving...you are agreeing to move out of guilt and it will make life more difficult for the children and you.

I know what you mean, out of my system, but he's desperate to get away. Says that if he stays he'll crack up.

I did mess on my own doorstep, rather. Not that OM lived next door, but close enough.

Moving will not do anything for him tnh and if he was prepared to go to counselling and thrash it out he would learn that.It is called 'doing a geographical' same shit different place!You probably had the affair for all sorts of reasons and hoped to make a huge mark in the relationship chronology as a place to either split or unite.I think he is being unfair tbh if he wants to repair this but not willing to take the neccesary steps and wants you 'the baddie' to make it all right.Somewhere reading all this I think it does sound over

tbh not tnh

I've said similar to him, noddy. My priority is to sort us out, otherwise we just take our problems with us.

He has gone to counselling, he's there now, actually, and I'm hoping his counsellor will help him see that.

He says he needs three things - time, to move and make a new start, and for us to be better.

But he seems to want me in a one down position at the moment, which tbh I've always felt I was in anyway.

But then, maybe I deserve that position. And it is early days. He's entitled to his anger, surely?

He is entitled to his anger but not at the expense of your self worth.It is not as if the relationship was hunky dory! Moving is a mistake if the house doesn't put everything right that will be your fault too.This is about internal things not externals like houses and shops

I wish I could get him to see that, noddy.

He's just terrified of us running into the OM, or him seeing him around and about.

Which I can understand.

I've made such a mess of everything.