Have confessed an affair to dh and now don't know what to do or how to be...

[inthewrong]

With apologies to all those on the other side of this. I don't deserve or expect any sympathy, but any advice would be very welcome.

I could take hours writing it all down, but I am a cliche, it's the oldest story in the book and you've heard it all before.

Basically, my husband and I have struggled for ten years of a thirteen year marriage. I built up a well spring of resentment and anger against him, and when someone I knew socially showed an interest in me (and he was very persistent) I succumbed.

I convinced myself I was in love with this man and my marriage was over all bar the shouting. The affair went on for almost a year, with breaks always initiated by me.

We never had full sex, but that's hardly the point, I know.

Towards the end of the affair dh and I went for counselling. At the beginning of the counselling OM and I were not in touch, but to my eternal shame, we got in touch again during it.

As a result of counselling, though, I learnt that all our problems were not dh's fault, that I had my part to play, and that maybe things weren't as bad as they'd seemed. There was hope. I cut contact with OM and decided to put everything behind me and try again with my marriage.

I could see dh trying so hard, and I could no longer bear to lie to him. I wanted him to have the full facts so he would know who he was married to and decide whether he still wanted me.

So I told him the truth. Naturally he is devastated. He has sorted out counselling for himself. I have apologised fully and swear nothing like it will ever happen again.
I am also having counselling and have been for a long time.

The thing is, I can't seem to explain to him how it happened. He says he accepts full responsibility for the state of our marriage, and the conditions that led to the affair, but that he can't understand how I could have made that leap.

My take on it is that I was in a very bad place at the time, lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage, angry with him and just so pathetically grateful for what seemed at the time like positive strokes. I can now see that I was a fool and my low self esteem had a lot to do with it.

I've tried telling dh this, tried to reassure him that I am going to work on my issues, apologised and said it won't happen again, but he just keeps saying he doesn't understand how I could have done it.

I wonder if he just wants me to say I'm a bad person.

He wants us to move house (the OM lives quite near here) and shut our business.

I can't believe the mess I've made and have no idea how to start putting it right.

Fully braced for a flaming...

Inthewrong, it is recommended that no major decisions are made for 3 months after confession/discovery. Your DH is in shock atm probably so his emotions will swing one way and then the other. Get the book recommended "Not Just Friends", it has chapters on repairing the marriage, the initial post discovery stage etc, it will help you understand as well.

My DH had an affair last year - it was a catalyst for us (a bit like qk). He did it on our doorstep too but fortunately OW has moved on. Humiliation is one of many emotions but we have both had to responsibility for the marriage but the responsibility for the affair falls squarely on his shoulders. BTW my DH likened it to being drawn to a flame and putting his hand in the fire, he knew it was going to hurt but he couldn't stop himself - he basically pressed the self-destruct button, again loads of self esteem issues.

Our counsellor's mantra was patience and tolerance on both sides.

Good luck.

The house move is a difficult issue and I would try everything to find an alternative.

However, it is extremely painful (from the pov of the person who has been cheated on) to have the OW/OM still in the picture. My DH still works with OW and I think it just puts our progress back a bit sometimes. eg he wanted to work on my computer so emailed me a document and it had her name on etc, she'd written it, he needed to review it. It just made me really angry, rather like she's still intruding into our lives. Obv DH let her etc, not saying all her fault, but still, difficult to heal.

Just a thought, but is there any chance OM is planning a move? Is he married - ie is life awkward for him as well?

OM isn't around as such - I don't work with him or anything like that.

He lives about a mile away, on a main road.

He has been to this house, before anything started, when we had a party, so dh has met him. That's contributing to his discomfort about staying here.

I think he will be very easy to avoid.

He doesn't know dh knows - I've cut contact - I have a feeling if he did know he'd be off like the clappers, as he is a coward and yes, to compound my shame, he is married (no dcs, much older) and would never want his wife to find out.

God, I hate myself. I sound such a heel. I'm a better person than this, honestly.

OK, I know that I said that the affair and the marriage problems were entangled. However, if your DH is going to be able to make any sensible decisions with regard to where the two of you go from here, you must absolutely allow him to deal with his feelings with regard to your affair. Think of it as someone who is bleeding from an artery, but who also has some other long term medical problem. You deal with the most pressing problem first.

He's going to need to use the counselling to sort out how he feels about what you've done and how he's going to start processing all this.

That said you absolutely must hold off from making any major decisions, such as moving house, until you are both in more stable places emotionally.

2.5 weeks is a very short time relating to this sort of thing so I would try and speak to your DH about letting things settle a bit before taking any rash actions, he is probably still in shock, even if he thinks he isn't.

I would imagine that hating yourself for a short period of time is part of the recovery, so try and see it as a positive thing, part of the repair process etc and it should pass but you have to go through it.

I think it is uncomfortable when OW/OM has been in your house. DH's OW had only been in his car and I am going to have it valeted to make it "cleansed" soon (when I get round to it!). I think it is uncomfortable when someone has been in parts of your life which are private, like your house, but I suppose for you OM had only been downstairs in living room/whatever? Redecorating a room would be easier than moving?

inthewrong I just wanted to add, in case it hasn't been coming across in my posts, that I think you are handling this in the best way possible to minimise further damage.

You do indeed come across as an essentially good person.

Yes, geekdad, I've said that to him, and his counsellor said that moving takes months, so it can't really be done as a kneejerk reaction, iyswim.

He knows he's in shock, bless him. I feel dreadful. He looks so ill.

What was I thinking?

Thank you, geekdad, that means a lot.

I know I'm better than this, I know I am.

I think you need to point out to him that in general men and women have affairs for different reasons, I imagine you were more interested in the emotional connection / relationship part because your husband had ignored your expressed needs for so long.

I would be very careful about agreeing to move house or close your business; you mentioned that he had said he would not move out willingly if you split up, just make sure he doesn't trick you into commiting to sell your house and then find a way to leave you high and dry e.g. not completing on the next one.

I'm not sure I would agree to all this sackcloth and ashes stuff either, understand if he doesn't want you to go into an office or a pub the OM works at / frequents but local shops?? Also, why does he mention wanting to close your business - do other people know?

Hope things work out for you.

He wants to close the business because he wants us to disappear as far as OM is concerned. He also feels that it is sullied (OM used to visit me there from time to time, bring a cup of tea) and he feels that he can't commit to it fully any more. Doesn't have the heart for it.

I am uncomfortable about the local shops thing. He also has talked about not going into our local city any more - says he is constantly looking out for OM.

I'm hoping this is the shock talking, but fear not.
Dh is the worst possible person I could have done this to. He's intensely private, and hates that OM knows about his marital issues.

And it was definitely an emotional thing. Definitely. I've told him that.

I can so understand the drug addiction analogy. I've said this to my DH but he isn't listening and I've given up tbh.

I have to concur with the other posters though who are saying that the solution your DH is presenting is too much too soon.

It's a bit of an ask to require you to give him

Time
To move on and make a new start
For you both to be better

He has to see his faults in this. You had an 'emotional affair', just as devastating btw, but I don't want you to feel bad about this. Sex was never on the agenda, you held back and this speaks volumes. I would say to DH that it's up to the guy you had the EA with to 'move on'. He should take responsibility for his actions and take the moral ground and go. Why should he get off scott free?

Rebuilding your lives? No. Taking in perspectives and changing should be the priority. For both of you. I love your mature attitude to this. You are willing to give it a go. However you should also feature in this new order. It's not all about your DH and kids. You are an important part of this 'mix' as well.

It's not fair to say there was no sex.

Not full sex, but stuff happened. To my shame.

It is to your eternal credit that you came clean. That was a brave and right thing to do. It has given your DH back his choices and if you do recover from this as a couple, you will be able to do so from the position of honesty.

As someone whose H had an affair, there are some additional things I want you to think about and also some reinforcements of what has been said downthread.

First of all, your H is still in shock. The requests he is making right now might not be the ones he'd make after a bit of reflection and understanding. But the thing that struck me was your reference to what a difficult week it had been giving him information. His feelings of trauma are going to last for much, much longer than this. Even though it is nearly 2 years since discovery day, we still talk about my H's affair and I still have questions.

As others have said, what ever the problems in your marriage and however much he evaded dealing with them, he is not to blame whatsoever for your affair.

And of course the question that reverberates in one's mind over and over again in the initial aftermath is "why?"

If you can't tell him that - and if you really don't know, then he can have no confidence and safety that it won't happen again. Until you know why, you will never be able to preserve your fidelity.

I tend to agree with tortoise that it sounds a bit like an exit affair - and maybe the "why" is too painful for you to admit even to yourself. Perhaps it is just that you don't love him enough and in the way you should?

It is a bit unclear how much the OM had to do with things cooling off. One of the things your H might be obsessing about is who really ended the relationship, or was your hand forced? That matters a great deal to the betrayed, if you only came back when you were dumped, or when you realised your OM wasn't going to leave his wife and run off into the sunset.

I understand why your H is making the demands he is. He is feeling violated. He wants to escape to a place where no-one knows you and where there are no memories of the betrayal. All of this is understandable at the moment, but some of that might pass. If it doesn't and you decide to stay together, it is important that you agree to meet him halfway and do almost anything to restore his trust.

Now there might be perfectly practical considerations that affect others in these decisions, like the DCs' schools and their friends, that he isn't thinking too clearly about at the moment, but what he wants to hear more than anything is that it doesn't matter where you live, as long as you're with him. It is something my H said and meant in the early days and it was a great comfort to me.

I think there are 2 stages to this. First, I really think you need to decide whether regardless of his pain and hurt/your guilt and shame, you want him. Get some early resolution on this.

If the answer is "yes" then this will be a long but rewarding journey, but the time it takes is always under-estimated by the betrayer. You cannot talk too much, or give enough information, if that's what he needs. A big watershed moment in recovery is when it becomes even more important to you than it is to him, that you understand why you did this.

I will happily share some more with you about what I think you should do, if you decide to stay, but that will wait for later.

But I think you need to resolve stage 1 as a matter of urgency.

Hi, you have had so much good advice. I hope you are feeling better about yourself. I'm sorry your dh is so ill with this. It must make you wonder whether confession is all it's cracked up to be.

My experience is only two good friends, one male, one female, who have had affairs.

It seems to me that infidelity is like a wall. You grow up on one side of the wall and you never think you'll be on the other side. On one side are people who disapprove, imagine they will never succumb, imagine or determine they are immune, may understand some of the reasons but always think they will see flattery, excitement, attraction, even genuine feelings, for what they are and will never cross that line. Including people who think they are so immune that when "it" arrives they think "it" must be love -- otherwise how could they feel so vulnerable, as they would never walk that road otherwise?

On the other side of the wall is another world. Good people, bad people, weak people, strong people -- people with all those reasons and "excuses" one would once have dismissed as easily transparent. You never wanted or imagined you would join that club. When people on the other side of the wall explain how it can happen, one thinks, yes, but that would never be me.

To your astonishment you have found yourself over that wall. But your head and your mindset and your morality is still with all the "good" people, on the other side. The temporary boost to your self esteem has dissipated and it's inevitable that you are going to hate that part of yourself that scrambled over the wall. You're completely divided.

There's no return, even if you are faithful to your dying day. You're still on the other side of the wall and can't climb back over. You have to find a way to accept yourself and what you have done and not live with self hate and self disgust. I hope some of the posts here have helped with that.

That doesn't mean you have to stop feeling remorse. It means realism, pragmatism and more confidence in finding a way to move on.

If that means, temporarily, being so very sensitive to your dh that you mind his "requirements" I can completely understand that (except for the major moves of course). But at some point you will need to say: we cannot go on like this: we need to recover some equality in the relationship.

You can't be the one always putting the bins out in ten years time because a decade ago you had an affair.

I can understand that the violation and humiliation your dh feels is prompting what might seem to be "over the top" restrictions. That's an immediate, pressing, almost visceral need for reassurance. If it were me, I would go with everything except the major moves. I would say: can we revisit those decisions in three months when you will see how trustworthy I can now be. But it should be temporary or happiness will not follow for either of you.

I think you have to show some confidence now to your dh that you do want a good and continuing marriage with him (if that's what you want, and that's what you are deciding now I guess) that you can offer him trust and security once more.

If you hate yourself you can't do that. If you have no confidence in yourself, and think you're crappy and weak, how can you convey that assurance to him?

By the way: yes you were unfaithful but the not having full sex is important. It means you still have a private place in your marriage, a place the OM doesn't know. I think this could be tremendously significant when the shock has eased somewhat.

As I say, I haven't experienced this, but I don't find it hard to see both sides. I'm so glad you didn't get flamed.

WhenWillIFeelNormal - thank you. Your post has given me a lot to think about. I have tried to answer the "why" question - low self esteem, feeling flattered, etc, but it isn't enough and so I keep coming back to "I was unhappy" which then sounds like I'm blaming dh when I know it wasn't his fault.

And yes, I do need to think carefully about my feelings for dh.

Backtotalk - the wall analogy is perfect. It's funny, I think the not having full sex thing is important, but dh doesn't. He says it makes no difference to him.

Oh, I ended the affair, because I knew it was wrong. Dh knows this.

I'm concerned that your marriage was in such a dreadful state for so long, and that your husband refused to countenance any help until the affair. He also seems to be putting all the responsibility on you.
I can understand that the affair is ultimately your responsibility, but is your DH prepared to work on the problems that existed before it happened?
I suppose I'm concerned that you're being guilted into staying in the marriage, even though it has made you miserable for a decade, and into leaving your home and life.

Tbh even if it only matters to you, I think it's important. So much of this is about your own mindset. At the moment, it's something for you to hold on to: at least you were strong enough for that.

Does your DH feel that the marriage was that bad over the last decade ? I ask this because my DH had convinced himself that our marriage was bad over the 10 + years we were together, completely rewrote the history of the marriage to justify the affair to himself. I challenged him again on this last night as I knew he was being honest with himself. His actions over the marriage did not suggest he was unhappy to the extent he had convinced himself.

He admitted then that he only started to think of the marriage as unhappy when OW first appeared on the scene and he didn't want to admit that because he thought he would then be putting the blame for our problems on the affair, didn't want to admit that he may have fallen for manipulation, for flattery, having his self esteen stoked etc. But he admitted it made sense because he only started to "withdraw" when she came onto the scene (to justify the affair to himself). It did make him see our marriage in a different light ie not all bad. We too run our own business (with all the problems/stress involved) and lots of DCs with their own problems etc ie all the outside influences that affect all of us.

Good luck and try and forgive yourself (my DH struggles with that too) and try and put some fun in your life with your DH and DC.

Sorry "wasn't being honest with himself"

Yes, countingto10, before dh knew about the affair he admitted in counselling that we hadn't been properly happy for ten years. Those were his words, and I was flabbergasted that he'd felt the same as me for so long, and I'd had no idea.

About three years ago I told him I wasn't sure of my feelings and asked him to come with me for counselling, but he didn't want to.

It was only when I made a partial confession about OM just before Christmas last year that he agreed to counselling.

I really haven't rewritten history, I really haven't. It's been tough.

I think you are absolutely and entirely in the wrong. You deserve to feel as remorseful as you do now. He will be suffering the most agonising anxieties and insecurites - for a very very long time.

You need to be very very strong, offer constant reassurance and be the model wife and mother in every way over the coming few years, and most importantly re-engage with him. It would serve you right if you lost your children; - why should he face that choice because of our selfish indulgences? How very self centred and childish of you.

If it was that bad you should have taken steps to sort it before your children were born or before you decided to put your needs before the rest of your families.

Be as strong and understanding and patient as you can for as long as you can, then double the effort and time you're putting in.

Be the model wife and mother?

Ahem

Try this site - I found it very useful following my H's affair, it's a bit "american" but has some very good articles to read etc, for both parties.

The timescale that you mention (10 years of unhappiness) coincides with the time when you had a baby and a toddler and I would say that is a really tough time. It would give me hope that the problems are solveable.