update on ' the man is a liar' and what, if anything should be my next move

[nextmove]

just over a week on from my last post on this.
The man, who i declared a liar, beacuse he just got a new girlfriend no longer has a girlfriend.
Unsurprisingly it lasted all of 2 weeks or so.

i avoided all contact with him until yesterday, after id heard thought the grapevine that he wasnt seeing her anymore.

He called me, which does not surprise me in the slightest.

I was vague and uncomital and did not give him my usual attention.

I dont want things to settle back into old habbits, it either needs to be or not.

How on earth do i go about this? with a man who says he wants it , but has, in his words 'inertia'

If anything, find someone new!

Do you really have time for someone who plainly only picks you up when he's got nothing or no-one else to do?

Honey, it's not inertia - he can get together with other women ok. If these other relationships really did keep breaking down because he's dreaming of you all this time (frankly unlikely whatever he claims!), there's something seriously peculiar about him if he can't just say "ok, let's go out then" - don't you think? You don't need his issues messing you about, if indeed he really has any. It's keeping you on a string, it's not good for you however amusing it is for him, and if you have any sense of self-preservation you'll tell him to take a hike and stay hiked. It'll hurt for a bit, then you'll get over it. Otherwise it'll keep hurting over and over for as long as he wants to keep playing this game with your heart.

but he can only get together with other women for a few weeks.
It never goes more than that.
I didnt say it was beacuse he is dreaming of me.
He does say - lets go out,lets be together, i really want to be with you. Then he cancells at the last min or just goes a bit cold.

I do have other new people already. I dont hang about and i fully intent on continuing to see them. Im not going to stop beacuse of him, that would be silly.

It sounds so stupid though, but i just cant not have him in my life and i know for a fact that he cant stay away from me. I recently found out, again through the grapevine, that his relationship with me was the cause of his previous breakup. I think they went out for about 2 months. In the whole time ive known him, there was her, and then a few girls that he had one or two dates with.

I dont know.

I've had thoughts like this in a past relationship, 'oh, he cant move on, it must be because of me'. Eventually, it clicked: If he wanted me so bad, why wasn't he with me? Why wasn't he doing everything in his power to be by my side?

If someone wants to be with you, they'll make the effort. Why are you wasting time on someone whos not thinking of you?

Oh FFS men like this are knobbers. He is feeding his ego by keeping you slavering in a box for the next time he gets dumped, that's all.

What you don't seem able to recognise is that his behaviour is selfish and unpleasant, because it's not taking into account what your feelings are, or might be, or that you have feelings at all. He basically doesn't think that you are 'real', you're just a prop in his exciting MEMEMEMEME drama, and the fact that he can't take anyone else's feelings or point of view in to account is the reason why he gets dumped by all the other women he dates. He's entirely self-obsessed to the point of sociopathy, and just because fiction is full of knobs like this who are redeemed by the love of The ONe doesn't mean real life is.
Men like him carry on driving women batshit until they start piling on the weight, lose their hair and teeth and can't get a hard on with out two lolly sticks and some sellotape. Then they latch themselves onto the most desperate of their various girlfriends and marry her in order to be fed and serviced into their dotage.
DOn;t you be the one to change his incontinence pads in 40 years time.

OMG, that post by Solid is just the best thing I've ever, ever read! Hear, hear! I'm still laughing at it, it's so funny and true. Awesome.

I would just like to add that men (and women) who are honest about their lack of interest in committed relationships are not like this.

your right,

I was doing so well not to talk to him as well.

I dont know whats wrong with me, why i just cant leave well alone. FFS, im seeing other people as well.

Self obsessed doesnt cover it. Ive said this to him many many times, self obsessed and selfish. I know full well he would be the worlds crappest partner... so i dont really know why i bother.

I know all these things, is just sense seems to go out of the window as soon as i talk to him. He instantally makes my knees go week and my brain stop working.
Its crap. Ive only had one person do this to me before, and he was terrible for me...

Blimey.

his life is of interest, because he is the most interesting person. An egnima. Truely.

Which is why i think im just fasinated.

That phone call was a sodding virtual booty call, he's keeping you on the hook for sport.

Don't fall for it and tell him to go fuck himself.

Better yet, tell him you have met someone, the love of your life, and would appreciate it if he understood and left you alone.

There are some things people like to say about dangerous lovers. One is "Like a force of nature". Another would be "Challenging" or "Exciting". Then there's "Mysterious" and "Enigmatic".

All of these phrases are used to describe selfish, self-centred, self-centred arseholes. The ones described as forces of nature tend to be the ones with a Personality Disorder. In all cases, the reason they're so fucking challenging & mysterious is because they're utterly empty inside. Nothing in there but wind and dust.

To anybody who actually has a character, this is mysterious indeed! But dig away in there, petal, you won't find anything but an echo. Your own self, richoteting back from the distant horizon of his emptiness.

You'll probably ignore all these posts. Come back when you've worn yourself out digging [sigh]

That was beautifully poetic Grace! ...and so, so true.

Thanks - and for overlooking the repetition! I'm sure that should have been selfish, self-centred, self-obsessed, self-serving ...
... aresholes.

grace - that was a good post. Very very true.

All of it, very very true.

There is also the couple of centuries of propaganda to the effect that men like this are special, and it's a matter of being a good enough woman to 'win' them. This is of course all bullshit and another way of telling women that men are more important than women are and women's prime obligation is to compete for the 'honour' of servicing one particular man.
Bear in mind that people who are special in terms of being fabulously artistic, or creative or musical - or brilliantly entrepreneurial or politically engaged, for that matter - are often absolute hell to live with, because their primary relationship is with their output/themselves, there's not really enough left over to have close relationships with other people. People who have some kind of great talent aren't necessarily bad people in themselves, but they tend to be crap partners because they are usually not capable of percieving a partner or partners as particularly important.

ha - he IS brilliantly entrepreneurial and poliitically engaged. He a walking history book and so wrapped up in his business that its his life. All his friends are mostly beacuse of his business.

Any socalising he does do, is mostly within his business.

I shall go back to keeping my distance. When i spoke to him the other night.. he said that he fully intended on being with me ' in the end'. I mean, thats just stilly. Ive waited for a long time.. and he wants me to just keep waiting for something we both know will never happen.

In the mean time, i had a date the other day, and the guy is so nice.. he contacts me, is interested in me. Might not be the same fireworks.. but hes an all round nicer person.

But still, back of the mind i harbour some deep desire for this ridiclous man.

what???

he thinks he'll be with you 'in the end'????

i'm lost for words.

In my more cynical moments I believe that love is a dirty trick played by Nature to ensure procreation of the species. Sometimes it gets it wrong, so that we end up yearning after very bad procreational material. We can't help what we feel, but we can help what we do about it. Just as appetite is a very natural and downright crucial part of survival, but when we yearn after that cream cake we are doing ourselves no good at all.

This man is a cream cake. He tastes good but he is not good for you. And to stretch the metaphor to breaking point, by the time he finally feels it's the right time to be with you, the cream will have gone sour.

The next move should be to move on - tell him to bog off.

Or still, you could let him mess you about and ten years later could still be in the same situation...

OH FFS NM he really does see you as the alternative to a care home - 'as long as I keep telling her she's The One she'll keep hanging in there, and once I'm too tired/old/incapable to pull the lithe 20-year-olds without getting laughed at, then she'll be so glad to have me she'll do anything I say'.
But I wouldn't be at all surprised if there aren't at least two or three other women who are equally, hopelessly waiting for him to decide that the time is right. You're all his pension plans, basically.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO GIVE UP YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO WAIT FOR THIS MAN TO CHOOSE YOU???

FFS. Get a grip. Move on. It will never, never work because this man is incapable of percieving you as a human being.

If this man became ill, would you feel obliged to rush round, tend him loveingly, pander to his every need and sympathise totally, giving up everything you want to do just to get him through his illness?

Yes, probably.

If you fell ill, would he do the same thing for you?
No, he's say it was too inconvenient and spend the time with someone else till you were better, and ready to adore him slavishly again.

He is a total PRATT, and you deserve better.

Unless, you really do want to hang around for the priveledge of watching him grow nasal hair and a beer belly.
He is conning you that his life is SO much morre worthwhile than your own as he is so "dynamic" but, if you look closely, there is nothing underneath and I bet he has no empathy or kindenss or love in him at all.

Think of him as a beautifully wrapped gift box that contains a turd.

Oh boy, he sounds just like the dick I used to hang out with (actually, just wait for). 7 years I was always hanging on a thread - would he turn up or would 'work' make him cancel when he's already an hour late, etc etc etc.

Fireworks when we were together. Oh yes.

Was it worth it? No, it wasn't. It really really wasn't.

Be strong. Get him out of your life. He'll be out of your mind soon, I promise, and you'll wonder why you bothered. You're worth better, you deserve more, really you do.

He sounds like a complete arsehole to me.