I'm nasty, anti-social and becomming increasingly mean

[StrugglingToBeNice]

I apologise for the name-change but I am embarrassed by my bevahiour and feelings and don't really wish for this post to tar my entire existance on mumsnet.
The problem is that I have had to come to the realisation that I can't stand my partners child. She winds me up, annoys me, irritates me and although I have tried so hard to pretend otherwise I feel I just cannot live with her anymore, for her sake as well as mine.
She's only 13 but she is such hard work. She constantly clings to my partner and we get no break from her. When he gets in from work at 4pm she immediately goes to him and asks for hugs etc which is obv. fair enough but she then sticks to him like glue, even when he tells her he needs to get on with things she refuses to let him move. She clings to him as he goes into the kitchen, clings to him as he goes into the garden (to the point where he finds it difficult to actually get out of the door) clings to him as he comes back inside, if he sits next to me on the sofa she clings to him, sits on him (with her back to me). If we try and talk she interferes (like during the election we were trying to discuss politics and she kept butting in every 5 minutes) she comes home from school and brags about the people she's swore at/punched/nipped/kicked and my partner sees nothing wrong with that. She is constantly craving attention, fills her facebook page up with silly comments such as "my dad is watching TV now so I'm lonely and depressed again" and of course if my partner sees it he rushes upstairs to make sure she's ok and ends up "trapped" in her bedroom for hours.
I try to clean up, she's up my back, in my way, trying to get between me and her father constantly. My partner says she's 13 and we need to treat her more grown up by giving her a clothing allowance yet in the next breath he's saying to me that I can't go out without making her a sandwich and putting it in the fridge for when she gets out of bed at lunch time. Why can't she make her own lunch??
We bought her a set of drawers, spent two days putting them together (inbetween 2 full time jobs and another child) dragged them upstairs (whilst she sat there like lady muck watching munching crisps, never offered to help) went out and bought her two lovely pyjama sets yesterday then last night we went to bed to find my partner's mobile phone on his bedside table harbouring 15 new text messages:

"Dad, I need you upstairs"
"DAD"
"oh my, why don't you ever check your phone!"
"I'm going to die :-( I need your help"
"Please dad, I need you"
"DAD!!!! THANKS A LOT FOR IGNORING ME"
"well I guess you don't care, as usual"
"DAD!!!"
"DAD CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ANSWER ME IT IS IMPORTANT"
"RIGHT FINE IGNORE ME THEN I'LL JUST GET INTO TROUBLE AT SCHOOL AND YOU WON'T CARE ANYWay"
"SOME FATHER YOU ARE - NOT"

ffs - it turned out she needed a bit of homework printing out, why couldn't she just ghave come downstairs and asked like a normal person? why such a massive drama? She inisists she cannot work her laptop (imo an excuse to get him upstairs in her room). He needs to "install" games for her, apparantly it's too difficult for her to press "English" "Next" and "Install". We can't go anywhere without her moaning and clinging to my partner.
But on the other hand I am aware that I am being harsh and bitchy. I know she just wants attention and she is probably insecure and jealous of the fact that I am with her father but I cannot shake off these feelings of irritation. We're sat there watching TV nice and quietly on an evening, having a chat and we hear her coming downstairs and my eyes automatically roll. Next minute she's sat ON my partner and that's it, conversation over, TV program no-watchable, peace shattered. I could understand if she was 5 but she's 13.
I just cannot live with her anymore, she winds me up to the point where I cannot hide my feelings. My partner is also to blame, babying her, defending her silly actions (like the barage of text messages), giving in to her every 5 minutes. I think it's best for everyone if we split up but in the meantime, how do I squash these negative feelings towards his child? I know he must feel it too

Wow. You dont have to LOVE this child but you do ahve to learn to get on with her if you are to stay with your partner

She is 13. 13 year olds (esp girls in my experience) CAN BE demanding, selfish, blinkered, rude , unreasonable etc. its called being a teenager. Kids in strong families behave like this. So a child from a broken relationshiop (I'm assuming this is the case) will have that to deal with too.

I'm trying to make you see her behaviour does not come from nowhere and it probably isnt to make your relationship with your partner break down.

You could make this girl an ally and a friend. Work on her, take time, be there for her, talk to her, take her out. She may sense you resent her. You are the adult she is a child.

Oh and if you are expecting gratitiude for anything from a teenager you are in for a long wait!

Its not that I expect gratitude, I don't know what it is. I admit I am responsible for my own feelings and attitude and I am the one in the wrong here but I just can't help it. I feel like we get NO time to relax. She is more demanding and clingy than my 8 year old.
We were discussing going on one of those dutch dash trips and I said "I'll find someone for DS ... " so my partner smiled and said "yes, that will be nice - If I can't find anyone for DD she can just come with us" great, nice romantic weekend spoilt before it even happens. When I said I would not tolerate this (the weekend was always supposed to be just us two) and that I wouldn't farm out DS just to have DSD coming along he said "oh, ok but I don't think DD will like that, we may have to rethink things" so in other words everything stops because we're being ruled by a 13 year old.
I mentioned an Indian resteraunt we had visited a few months ago last night and he sat there vigourously shaking his head in an attempt to quiet me. I couldn't understand why - and then asked if he fancied a chinese resteraunt this weekend and he clammed up. She turned around and said "dad, I hope you're not wasting money ... " and it turned out he was frighetened to death of his daughter finding out he'd been to a resteraunt without her in the past as she'd be pissed off and he didn't want her knowing about our upcoming planned weekend as she'd "kick off" and it would "cause trouble". I feel like she literally rules the house and I resent it so much.

Her behaviour sounds awful and she is trying to make sure you and she know that she is number one.

It's not normal teenage behaviour but it might be normal in a divided family with a new partner, I don't know. It's like she's reverting to babyhood, as if she feels like if she grows up, you'll take over.

I think before dealing with it with her in the way cybil describes, you have to manage your own reaction even more.

No point arguing with your partner over it, he's bound to love her more than you, she will always take priority over you. But you know that.

You could try i suppose talking to her like an adult. Saying that you know about her place in your partner's heart and there is no threat to it from you.

She will react terribly at first but might take it in.

Teenage girls are dramatic. Everything is the end of the world

Do you have any teen girls yourself?

You've hit the nail on the head I think when you speculate that she is probably insecure and jealous.

She also probably picks up (through body language, tone of voice etc) your irritation and dislike of her.

Here's where my opinion differs from the mn 'norm' and so I'll probably get kicked for it but never mind.

I truly believe that it takes a special kind of person to embrace another person's child. To love them and to be some kind of if not parental then adult guide and influence. I know I couldn't do it. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that in itself.

So I never got into a relationship with a man who has kids. Because if you can't take another person's child into your life, then you don't set up shop with a man who comes as a package.

So if you are not the sort of person who can love another woman's child in your life with you and your partner then maybe you should walk away.

There's nothing wrong with you for not being able to. Just don't set up home with a man who comes as a package.

Just read your second post. Sounds as though he's been spoiling her not with material things but with getting her own way generally, as a way to ease the pain of the split, or not being with her mum maybe.

I don't think there's much you can do about her relationship with him. But she needs to treat you with the respect and consideration due to an adult, another human being, if not with any affection.

this book describes what it happening with you to a T.

You should read it (but it will scare you!) to get some insight.

It's tough, but try seeing her as a lost little girl instead of an arch-rival (which she is setting herself up as).

What were the circumstances surrounding her parents' break-up?

Thanks, I thought I'd get a lot of slating for this (and am aware I still might, it's early!) but I pleased at least some people know where I'm coming from. See I'm not great with kids at the best of times so I'm never going to have the patience of a saint but I honestly thought I'd cope better than this. A prime example, in a morning her and my 8 year old come downstairs for breakfast. My DS gets himself some cereal, makes himself some toast and goes off and eats it. DSD stands there making whinging noises. Partner says "well, are you going to make some breakfast then DD?" and she whinges says "I can't" he says "why?" so she says "because I'm too tired". Partner says "don't be silly, get yourself some breakfast, if (DS) can manage it, you can" and she makes more noises and says "but I can't be bothered". All the time I'm going out of my head biting my lip, hoping to god he doesn't give in and make her it, driving myself crazy over what is essentially a petty non-issue and then - "oh look! go and sit down and I'LL make you some breakfast". So there she goes, strutting past me with a smirk, mission complete. Next minute DS says "mum, how come she gets her breakfast made for her but I have to do my own???" and I'm the bad guy all round.

Well I know before we got together she basically had the run of EVERYTHING. She controlled the TV, her ornaments and "belongings" were scattered all over the living room, she ate what she want, went to bed when she wanted, had my partner at her beck and call 24/7 and then I moved in and it stopped. (To show what I mean, within 3 months of me moving in she'd lost a stone in weight due to the fact that chocolate, crisps and biscuits were no longer a free-for-all and for the first time ever, he was able to buy her normal waist school trousers from the normal supermarket). But gradually they started to revert back to the way they used to be and now its gone full circle.
Her mother was sleeping with another man, messy divorce and now her mother is extremely unreliable and doesn't show much interest in her. I suppose then, her dad is all she has. But I can't live like this.

Blimey! All I can really say is YANBU! The whole situation sounds like a bloody nightmare and no, it's not OK to say "that's just the way girls are" - that's utter poppycock. This is totally unacceptable.

How on earth you could ever get this situation to improve I don't know, but I really do hope someone can come along and offer some really good practical advice because this is absolutely NOT OK and please don't beat yourself up or torture yourself thinking that somehow it's you being over-sensitive!

Just wanted to say I'm on your "side". x

God what a pain.

You need to ignore ignore ignore. In that last situation I would have said to my own son, "that's because you're grown up and able to manage. DSD doesn't like to make her own."

I would tell your partner to stop comparing her unfavourably to your son, but you need to deal with your son in the way you think is best and not change the way you're bringing him up.

If that causes a problem for your partner let him bring it up and that's the starter for a conversation where he might try to understand your position better.

Don't show irritation, you must rise above it and not act like a thirteen year old who's behaving like a spoilt five year old is going to have any effect on you.

I don't doubt she's unhappy but she is spreading it around like an infection. Spoiling her further is not goin to change that.

God what a pain.

You need to ignore ignore ignore. In that last situation I would have said to my own son, "that's because you're grown up and able to manage. DSD doesn't like to make her own."

I would tell your partner to stop comparing her unfavourably to your son, but you need to deal with your son in the way you think is best and not change the way you're bringing him up.

If that causes a problem for your partner let him bring it up and that's the starter for a conversation where he might try to understand your position better.

Don't show irritation, you must rise above it and not act like a thirteen year old who's behaving like a spoilt five year old is going to have any effect on you.

I don't doubt she's unhappy but she is spreading it around like an infection. Spoiling her further is not goin to change that.

screw it

Listen, if your 8 year old is able to hold himself in this situation then you must realise that his 13 year old is equally capable of such control, but she is using it in a very different and very negative way.

This is not the fault of your reaction, it has its roots well before you came along.

How long have you been with your dp? Is her mother on the scene? I think we need more background detail really....

I have a 13 yr old too and it is a fact of life with teenagers that they stay up
later in the evening and you get less time to yourself but sitting on her father's lap at that age is a bit OTT. Definitely trying to annoy you I would say but possibly a natural thing to do if you have got together with her father relatively recently.

I totally get what Hecate says and would also add that I could never see myself subjecting my dcs to a stepfather.

OP your second post changes the situation. You didnt say you had your own child initially, or that her Dad is almost 'scared' of her

I think you need to speak to your partner about a way to parent her effectively together

But how do I handle it? I don't know what to do I do not want to screw the kid up even further, I don't want her telling some new husband in 15 years time that her dad was once with this horrible witch who used to hate her and make her feel like shit. I don't want to be a bad person. I want to act like a grown up and be reponsible and mature but I just can't. I get annoyed so quickly by it all.
I was baking a cake with DS at the weekend and my partner came in to look with her DSD literally hanging off his sleeve. I tried telling him what we'd put in it and she stood there critising and offering "advice". I left the room and went to sit in the living room for 5 minutes, DP follows me with DSD hanging off his sleeve still - I smile sweetly, go back into the kitchen, DP follows - DSD dragging along behind him. In the end I snapped and said "Will you all just give me some space, PLEASE". DP left the room, DSD obviously clung behind him - DS looked at me and said "sorry, I'll leave you to finish the rest" and left I didn't want him to leave, just the other two because I can't stand them near me sometimes.

I dont know how you stand it.

Initially I wanted to say it will blow over,go with it- your the adult.

But

Having had a very small taste of this over Xmas and not to the extent you describe [thank fuck]its BAD.

Can you not try and shame her,by this I mean invite other teenage girls in,go shopping on a weekend so she will see girls her age acting 'normally',perhaps organise a teenage babysitter for your son?.

Your dh/partner is just so wrong for letting this happen-and I feel sorry for your ds.

I too always thought I could 'love' a step child,Im very close to a lot of the teenagers around here,through my 'job' at the youth club.

But when it came to me 'd' h and a 24 year old step daughter out for trouble things really did go wrong,to a point whereby 6 months on shes done a disappearing act and my relationship with dh is possibly coming to an end because when push came to shove I well got the boot .

I realise it would not be a permanent solution, but could you sit down with her (and DH) and try to have a discussion where you explain how you feel, and what behaviour you would expect - but make sure you give the daughter a good chance to try to describe how she is feeling? Don't just lay down the law, but make sure you listen.

It's a big ask to expect a 13yr old girl articulate, but it might open channels of commmunication.

Just a thought...

You need to forget about what she'll say in 15 years time. She'll say what she likes.

If you do the right thing now, act responsibly and kindly to the best of your ability, you can hold your head high because whatever she says won't be true.

Your priority is your son. Do the right thing by him. Do not let him be damaged by this. If this affects her, negatively, it doesn't matter. If your partner brings it up, ask him a direct question. Does he want help dealing with his daughter's behaviour? He cannot see that it is intolerable. He is kidding himself.

That is not normal, yes she is a teenager but she's acting like a toddler!

You need to talk to your partner and try and explain that he is not helping her by spoiling her and doing everything she tells him to. She is going to be a grown-up in few years and she has to start understanding how everything works now. Because you really don't want her to be living with you when she's 25...

Your partner probably is just trying to make up for his divorce and for the fact that her mum isn't there, but this isn't helping. She has no respect for her father and that's sad really.

She obviously isn't going to listen to you but i think it's worth to try and explain that it's not a competition between you two. That with little bit of effort you could both get to know each other and maybe even become friends one day, or at least live be able to live normally in the same house.

But your partner needs to open his eyes and see what he is doing to his daughter. How ever painful it must be he has to act like a parent not a pushover...

It also sounds as if your opinion of your partner is changing because of this situation

You have done your best, you understand that she might be eaten up inside with her issues, you do not want to be horrid, you are very frank and open about your growing dislike and resentment of her and you show a willingness and a desire to get on with her and love her as best you can if you only knew how.

But none of it is making any difference is it, and the situation is now threatening your relationship with your dp and your relationship with your own son.

IMO, this is now (and actually always has been) directly your DPs responsibility. He is doing his daughter no favours whatsoever in allowing her to continue to behave like this.

You must make it clear to him that you cannot tolerate her attitude towards you anymore and either it improves or you must leave.

I agree - your dp is setting no boundaries and will be contributing, ironically, to her future problems.

But I repeat, she is not your responsibility. She is his. He is her father, and she will only listen to him.

You could help him think about how he is going to have to do this (not only for her sake but for his own sake too - ie she would be just the same with any other future partner too), and you must agree together to stick to his rules.

But that is if he is willing to see that there is a serious problem here which needs sorting out now. And if he is not willing, or he cannot or does not want to see the problem, then I am afraid you must be prepared to leave him. For your own boy's sake if nothing else.

You are responsible for your own child...ultimately, you are the mainstay of his life, not your dp and you must start putting your son first if your dp doesn't want to start parenting his own daughter properly.

I would say, for god's sake don't think of marrying him. In fact, be prepared to pack a bag and get out. He sounds very weak. sorry.

She's playing you like a fiddle OP: You have to change the dynamics here, and the only way you can do that, is change your reaction to her. Like the cake thing, she wound you up, you seethed and went in the other room - she's got what she wants, and you're full of resentment. Next time say, "can you move please - you're in my way" politely but firmly, and just ignore any response. She twists daddy around her little finger, and he feels he owes her big time. She resents and is jealous of your relationship with him, and sees you as a threat, which is rubbish. I think it's crunch time - you need to sit your partner down, and tell him you've had enough. You insist on boundaries - you agree hopefully that you need time for just you two, and arrange to go out regularly without her. If he agrees to this, then it means he values your relationship, if he doesn't, then he really isn't worth worrying about. Sorry to sound harsh, but this young lady needs putting in her place, cos right now the tail is wagging the dog. She'll become worse when you set her boundaries, and she sees you as a proper couple, but you'll have to ride that out. Sit her down, tell her about the changes, let her see you as a tight couple, and not as two people she can manipulate. When she realises that she can't come between you she'll accept things. But really, once you've explained how it is to your partner, it's all down to him as to whether to support you or lose you. Hopefully he will unite with you, and both of you can be happy having time as a couple - even if it's just a couple of times a week. Above all, dad needs to tell daughter that he loves her totally, and will always be there for her, but he needs a relationship with you that sometimes doesn't include her. She's insecure, but he's allowed her to manipulate him. Good luck.

Whatever the circumstances and situation her behaviour is outrageous, pathetic and totally unreasonable. Which makes it perfectly normal for a teenager BUT of course totally unacceptable.

But from what you have said it is entirely driven by DP allowing it to happen and IMO he is the one you need to tackle. Can't he see she is making a fool of him? Does he enjoy her behaviour and encourage it?

If he won't change his attitude to her you have a pretty stark choice to face: putting up with it for the next 50 years or breaking up the relationship.