I'm nasty, anti-social and becomming increasingly mean

[StrugglingToBeNice]

I apologise for the name-change but I am embarrassed by my bevahiour and feelings and don't really wish for this post to tar my entire existance on mumsnet.
The problem is that I have had to come to the realisation that I can't stand my partners child. She winds me up, annoys me, irritates me and although I have tried so hard to pretend otherwise I feel I just cannot live with her anymore, for her sake as well as mine.
She's only 13 but she is such hard work. She constantly clings to my partner and we get no break from her. When he gets in from work at 4pm she immediately goes to him and asks for hugs etc which is obv. fair enough but she then sticks to him like glue, even when he tells her he needs to get on with things she refuses to let him move. She clings to him as he goes into the kitchen, clings to him as he goes into the garden (to the point where he finds it difficult to actually get out of the door) clings to him as he comes back inside, if he sits next to me on the sofa she clings to him, sits on him (with her back to me). If we try and talk she interferes (like during the election we were trying to discuss politics and she kept butting in every 5 minutes) she comes home from school and brags about the people she's swore at/punched/nipped/kicked and my partner sees nothing wrong with that. She is constantly craving attention, fills her facebook page up with silly comments such as "my dad is watching TV now so I'm lonely and depressed again" and of course if my partner sees it he rushes upstairs to make sure she's ok and ends up "trapped" in her bedroom for hours.
I try to clean up, she's up my back, in my way, trying to get between me and her father constantly. My partner says she's 13 and we need to treat her more grown up by giving her a clothing allowance yet in the next breath he's saying to me that I can't go out without making her a sandwich and putting it in the fridge for when she gets out of bed at lunch time. Why can't she make her own lunch??
We bought her a set of drawers, spent two days putting them together (inbetween 2 full time jobs and another child) dragged them upstairs (whilst she sat there like lady muck watching munching crisps, never offered to help) went out and bought her two lovely pyjama sets yesterday then last night we went to bed to find my partner's mobile phone on his bedside table harbouring 15 new text messages:

"Dad, I need you upstairs"
"DAD"
"oh my, why don't you ever check your phone!"
"I'm going to die :-( I need your help"
"Please dad, I need you"
"DAD!!!! THANKS A LOT FOR IGNORING ME"
"well I guess you don't care, as usual"
"DAD!!!"
"DAD CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ANSWER ME IT IS IMPORTANT"
"RIGHT FINE IGNORE ME THEN I'LL JUST GET INTO TROUBLE AT SCHOOL AND YOU WON'T CARE ANYWay"
"SOME FATHER YOU ARE - NOT"

ffs - it turned out she needed a bit of homework printing out, why couldn't she just ghave come downstairs and asked like a normal person? why such a massive drama? She inisists she cannot work her laptop (imo an excuse to get him upstairs in her room). He needs to "install" games for her, apparantly it's too difficult for her to press "English" "Next" and "Install". We can't go anywhere without her moaning and clinging to my partner.
But on the other hand I am aware that I am being harsh and bitchy. I know she just wants attention and she is probably insecure and jealous of the fact that I am with her father but I cannot shake off these feelings of irritation. We're sat there watching TV nice and quietly on an evening, having a chat and we hear her coming downstairs and my eyes automatically roll. Next minute she's sat ON my partner and that's it, conversation over, TV program no-watchable, peace shattered. I could understand if she was 5 but she's 13.
I just cannot live with her anymore, she winds me up to the point where I cannot hide my feelings. My partner is also to blame, babying her, defending her silly actions (like the barage of text messages), giving in to her every 5 minutes. I think it's best for everyone if we split up but in the meantime, how do I squash these negative feelings towards his child? I know he must feel it too

I tell you one thing, whether you remain on the scene or not, he is doing his daughter NO favours bringing her up (or failing to) like this. Nobody, least of all you I'm sure, disagrees that children should come first for as long as they need you. That is not the same as them having all their own way though! Your irritation is likely to be at least in part because you know as a parent yourself that what he is doing is wrong and bad for her as well as for you. He doesn't have an earthly clue how to bring up a child. I don't know how you manage to respect such a pathetic specimen. He really needs to go to some parenting classes, the sooner the better - and in my opinion you should call it a day because the situation is a great strain on your own lovely, well-behaved child.

If you do leave them to it, she will believe she has won - she has seen off the rival for her dad's affections - but in the end she is in fact the loser. Try to spare her a little pity. Either she will grow up to be an insufferable madam or she'll have a devil of a job unlearning all the lessons he's been teaching her. I fear for her future relationships.

The foremost duty of any parent is to bring their child up to be independent. In the normal course of things we won't be there all their lives to look after them. They need to learn to look after themselves and make sensible decisions (like what to have for lunch!) My DS4 is 13 and I am so thankful that he lives with me now, because his dad would do stuff like turning his computer on for him when he woke up in the morning, putting a massive bowl of cereal and a packet of biscuits in front of him, talking to him in a baby voice and never making him have a bath. Nowadays my lad gets himself up, makes his own breakfast and walks himself to school all dressed and neat, takes responsibility for his homework and participates in decisions for dinner etc (still a minor issue with the hair washing but we're getting there!). He is my wee babe and he always will be, but he is also a growing young man. Any time he needs a bit of emotional support or a hug he knows he can come to me, and indeed he does (we like our hugs!) but as he feels secure in my love he doesn't need to do it all the time.

It could, of course, be because I am a lazy so-and-so and can't be naffed to do that stuff for a person who is perfectly capable of doing it for himself. But I still think it's good for him.

Hah, as usual, loads of cross-posts! And I agree with all of them!

It isn't perfectly normal behaviour for a teenager- it is, like Eleanor says, due to attachment issues associated with poor parenting, and probably needs professional family therapy. Whether it's a good idea to stick around and see that through depends on your DP and your commitment to stick together. He does not sound willing to change this dynamic though, and I think you probably need to leave with your son, if only to protect him.

I think if you're honestly not capable of loving her then you will be doing the right thing by leaving now.

At least you're being honest.

She's just a child, her needs are more important than yours, she's had a terrible time of it by the sound of things

Please don't take this in the wrong way, it's not meant as a slating. You're only human.

I think you need to let your partner read this thread away from the house.

If he refuses to engage with proper boundaries (which promote love and provide more secure attachment) then he is not for you.

His behaviour is the problem here - he is not doing right by his daughter. She needs firm boundaries and a more light hearted touch - he should simply be saying to her "try and install the game/print yourself, if you can't do it I'll send step-mum up to help as I'M BUSY right now".

Your partner needs his own space without someone hanging off him.

Frankly I'd suggest family therapy.

You sound like a great person who is under unbearable strain. Parenting other people's children is the most challenging thing ever (we foster).

I think family therapy is the only answer.

Your DP needs professional help in order to understand that things need to change, for everyone's sake but especially his daughter.

I think things have gone too far to stop without outside help. Anything the OP does is likely to backfire imo, the situation is too charged.

It is hard enough to stand one's own children sometimes and that is with millions of years of evolution preventing us from throttling our offspring.

YANBU to be annoyed with her but you need to come up with a strategy.

I have no idea about step parenting, or parenting a teenager. You have had lots of great advice, but the problem will be to let your partner understand where he is going wrong, and I think you may need to seek outside help. Family therapy, is an excellent suggestion.

I second family therapy. Your DP needs to set some boundaries otherwise she'll be ruined as an adult. HE must need some space. It sounds horrific. I have a very clingy 8 year old who'd rather sit on me and hugs bme constantly and I'm always telling her to give me some space!

Good luck.

The problem lies with your DSD's father much more than it does either with her or with you. Until he adopts a proper parental stance and imposes boundaries, you and she are imprisoned in his system that infantilises both of you. You are an adult woman in your own home who deserves respect and consideration for the work you do to care for your family; she is a 13 year old girl who is perfectly capable of ordered, polite behaviour.

I suspect your DP needs therapy to work out his position.

I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if I repeat what anyone else has said.

I have a DSD too, though she doesn't live with us so I kind of know how you feel though it is nowhere near as extreme a situation as yours.

I think the difficulty with step-families is that often the two partners are not on the same page with what is acceptable and discipline. You gave a very good example re the breakfast issue - you expect the children to make their own with no fuss, your husband seemed to give in very easily and made hers for her.

I think the way forward is to speak to DH and come to some sort of compromise on what is acceptable and what is not. Try to make sure that your DS and DSD have the same rules where possible and ask your DH if he can stick to them. Yes she will probably throw a strop at first, but in time she will become a much more rounded person. How on earth will she get on in the big bad world if she can't be respectful at this age?

I know teenagers are notoriously difficult, but this does seem out of the ordinary.

Do you actually ever step in and discipline her yourself? If my DSD ever oversteps the mark, I will tell her so - I don't always wait for DH to do it. I used to get that frustrated feeling that you talk about, but now I avoid that by speaking up myself. After all, It is my house too, and if any other person acted like that in my home then I would tell them too!

Does your DH know how you feel?

She's 13. All sounds normal for the most part to me, especially the lippiness. Smile, smile and let it wash over you. It will pass, and she will emerge from teenage a far more confident young woman. I honestly think that you are probably jealous of the amount of time your dsd is demanding of he father, and I think you need to deal with that, because your partner is extremely unlikely to choose you over his daughter (at least I hope not). She is still a child, however large she may appear to you, and imo teenagers need their parents more than ever.

Conclusion: YOU need to deal with your feelings about this. She is understandably still trying to deal with her father's situation and probably worrying that he will not have enough time for her. Also you can be CERTAIN that she knows that you don't like her, which will only increase her feelings of insecurity and her clinginess. You need to manoeuvre your feelings towards into feeling like a kindly aunt towards her. You are not and never will be her parent. But unless you are extremely honest with her, you may already have ruined your relationship with her. If you want to recover it, you are going to work very hard with her, and be very truthful about what your feelings are. Good luck, it's not an easy situation to be in.

It also sounds very much like a viscious circle. (My oldest is 8, and my youngest 5) and thinking about the situation without taking her age into consideration, I would ask the following:
How much time does she and her dad spend together just them? Do they have some special father daugther time?

I am just thinking, she is clinging desperately to him, she is desperate for lone time with him, asking him to her room, unable to print, unable to do anything, all just excuses for him to NOTICE her and value her. She is texting him, wanting him to come up. The more she does this, the more exasperated he becomes, and she realises this, but she does not realize that she need to stop her behaviour for him to respond to her normally again. She just pushes further.

It is like trying to listen to music, when it is barely audible, you turn up the volume because you cant get enough.

Instead she sees that you are getting attention, you have more (in her view possibly) alone time with her dad, and she looks upon you as her rival, and behaves accordingly. With her manipulation, her sweet smiles, etc. (The last time I saw such behaviour was in a very manipulative 3 year old girl. She was begging and begging in all kinds of way for some pudding, it was 10 am. When the mother eventually gave in and gave her the pudding. She gave a triumphant smile, and pushed the pudding away, and ran out to play. Your dsd's behaviour remind me a lot about this)

Do you think she might NOT be so desperate for him if he suggested an activity just for them, weekly?
Change will come over night. But she needs to feel secure. Her world has been rocked by her mums behaviour, and her mum has left the family. She must be desperate for her fathers love and attention. He possibly realizes this, but is going around it in the worst possible way. I think, you cant just talk to her about boundaries, because she might see this as her being pushed away, without at the same time emphasising that whereas the clinging has to stop, and she has to let her dad have time with his partner, SHE will also get quality time with him. When the balance has been restored, and she feels more secure in her family unit, she may not need this quality time with him, but at the moment, she behaves like an attention seeking toddler, and the answer is never to let toddler go cold turkey on attention alltogether, but by giving one big MEGA doze of attention (ie quality time) in order to let toddler ease down on the attention seeking and the desperation. Positive attention to prevent the desperation. And family therapy. I think.

But, you may ignore me, because I am not a step parent, and I have no experience with teenagers.

change will obviously not come overnight. missed a "not" there.

My Mum used to say that in her opinion a second marriage stands much less of a chance of succeeding if the man moved into the woman's house, than if the woman moved into the man's house, because women are so territorial. She felt that however much a woman loved a man she would come to resent him and his mess cluttering up her "domain." She thought it was less of an issue the other way around because men -generally speaking - notice their surroundings less and women make the man's house into their home. She felt that a couple combining two families should buy a new house to stand the best possible chance of making a success of things.

Finally getting to the point - I think a big cause of this is that your DP moved another woman into his daughter's "domain." She is defending her territory.

I notice that Bonsoir says "You are an adult woman in your own home." Well yes you are of course but actually from the DD's point of you, you are an adult woman who is in HER own home. I am sure you contribute financially but teenagers don't notice who pays the bills.

So apart from agreeing what everyone else has said, I'd say that it might help a bit if you all moved house and had a fresh start.

That's a good point, about your DH and your DSD spending time alone together. My DP has always spend time alone with each of the DSSs (and he also spends time alone with DD) - takes them out to lunch, to play tennis, shopping, plays games, drops them off at school or the pool etc (depends on weather/age/personality) - basically so they have the opportunity to chat about stuff and have a cuddle with no-one else in the way.

When the DSSs are around I don't expect to spend the whole evening with DP; neither do I not expect to see him at all. Everyone in the family needs to manage to share one another out!

hey op - i'm no expert in what a step family is like but if she is feeling v insecure then you need to put some boundaries in.

i would suggest that you sit down with your dp (of even on the phone from work if this is impossible) and thrash out osme house rules. iiwy it would be 'no texting parents inside the house' as in the dcs MUST come downstairs and speak to you both - texts will be ignored.

re her resenting you and dp having dates what about dp and dd planning a weekly activity thats just those two - daddy daughter time if you like - that cannot be interrupted/gatecrashed - get dd to help choose/plan it.

Definitely agree with BalloonSlayer - I'd missed the point about this being the DHs/DSDs former home - have a fresh start!

Thank you all so much for the unjudgemental advice. Must admit, I'm surpised I've not been slated. I feel awful. The girl is seriously damaged, her mother is IMO mentally ill and her father just doesn't know how to handle anything.
My son is not perfect, he can be a cheeky little so and so, he slams doors, he leaves his homework until the last minute and then throws a strop when he runs out of time, he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, torments the cat, kicks mess under the carpet instead of picking it up and binning it - But he's an 8 year old kid. If he walked around with a permanant halo hovering over his head I'd be concerned!! But I tell him off, he loses bed-time/pocket money - if he can't be arsed to make himself food, he goes hungry. If he wants attention, I'll tell him what time I'll be free - I make a special effort at 8pm every night to go up and play on his xbox with him (bloody Skate2!!!) on the condition that he doesn't cling to me when I'm cooking/reading/relaxing. It's all about compromise isn't it? I'm not a perfect mother, infact tbh I'm often a very lazy mother "mum, is this right?" "yes" "you havn't even looked!!" etc but I try.
But I've never had a teenage girl. I don't know what behaviour is appropriate. My dad died when I was 11 but even by that age he wouldn't have tolerated me clinging to him like a piece of velcro. My partner says to me "you always want her shoved out of the way" and sometimes I think to myself "yes, actually I do want her out of the way, if only for an hour." But god forbid I say that.
Like last weekend I was taking DS to a church fair. I asked her if she wanted to go the previous evening, she said no. Fair enough, she was asked - yet partner insisted on me leaving her a made sandwich and a packet of crisps prepared on a plate - I felt like I was leaving a 7 year old alone at home. When I said "can't she get her own lunch while I'm out?" he replied "why do you hate her so much??? you can't even make her a bloody sandiwch. No wonder she feels sad and lonely!" and the cold bitch in me thought "oh please, get the bloody violins out".
They're making me cold towards her. She brought home her school report which shows she has attained average marks across the board - cool - well done - yet he's flashing it in my face saying "look at this! she's so clever, much cleverer than me, its so obvious she's going to have a really high paid job when she's older, this must be one of the best reports in the school, if not THE best, don't you think?" and the I smiled sweetly and agreed. Inside I'm thinking "she's just average and nobody that stays in bed until 1pm and can't even make a sandwich is ever going to have a high paid job". Then I sit back and think if someone spoke about my child like that I'd want to floor them. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Why am I so nasty?
Then Monday she went on a school trip to a theme park and wouldn't be back until 5pm. Bare in mind she gets the bus to and from school every day - gets the bus to and from the city centre on a weekend when out with friends - but was apparantly unable to get the bus from school after this trip so I had to miss my college class, get up at 5am to drive dp to work, pick her up at 5pm (in which she deliberatly walked straight past the car and left me sat there because she wanted to finish her conversation before leaving) then pick him up from work again afterwards. Why couldn't she get the bus like she does other times?? but no, what she says goes and she couldn't be arsed to get the bus so everyone has to jump to her tune. (Also bare in mind it's only a 20 minute walk anyway! my son walks further to school in a morning. But no, I'm being "mean" by suggesting she make her own way home.

Family therapy.

My 14 year old niece walks 40 minutes from school every day (Across a mountain).

SHE is desperate for attention from her father, HE is desperate for YOU to show her love and attention by doing stuff for her, which really isnt necessary.

Oh dear

I agree with others who have said its not her thats the problem,. its your DP, she has got him by the short and curlies. clearly he feels guilty for something, and she is playing on this. so you have

guilty father
desperately insecure daughter
stressed stepmother!

Noone said you have to love this girl. But the fact is you hate her and that must be horriblke to live with

How would your partner feel about losing you? I bet he would not want to

go get some counselling or help, as I cannot see this situation resolving itself in any way, shape or form

good lucv

And you should also stop being a pushover. You should be adult and mature enough to say what you think, rather than doing what is asked of you, while seething.

You could say "No, she is perfectly able to make her own lunch, if she does not want to come with me to the fair. Or YOU can make her a sandwich, if you dont think her capable" and leave it at that.

or
"No, I am not picking her up from school, 20 minutes is not a long walk, and she can get the bus if she does not want to walk. I have a class, so I am busy."

Be assertive.

Say "I know you want me to love her like you do, but making me do all these things for her is not making me "show love", it is uneccesary and irritating. I rather show her how much I care by giving her firm boundaries" etc.

This situation has simply got to stop - the more she gets away with it the worse she will become. Rude, spoilt children turn into thoroughly unpleasant adults. If it carries on she will have virtually no chance of forming decent relationships in the future.

The first step has GOT to be with your DP. As others have said, he really isn't doing her any favours - in fact, he's assisting her awful behaviour. I'm surprised he hasn't looked at your parenting of your DS and learnt something from it. Make some notes from the comments that have been made and make some time to talk to him alone - if she kicks up about you having time to talk to him, stand firm.

If he is able to take on board that his attitude needs to change, for her benefit, then you can both work towards a better relationship with her. Hopefully you will start to see changes and when you do, you can start to build a relationship with her yourself. For example, you could start spending time with just her (shopping, cinema) and then she will see that you can be her friend rather than the enemy who, in her eyes, is taking her dad away.

I know the solutions all look so simple written down but this is really going to be hard work. There are years of bad parenting to be undone. I used to feel this way about my stepchildren (they too suffered from bad parenting) but now we all get on well. Good luck.

Also, and I know that neither you or her will want to do this at the moment, do you ever have any alone time with her?

She has effectively lost her mum and I presume has no other motherly figure in her life?

She might not want to admit it, but maybe she needs some girl time - going shopping, cinema, pampering session at home - they are all the things I would have wanted to do with my stepmum at age 13.

Also, perhaps at these times your DH can spend some time with your DS, and he may realise just what a child should be behaving like.....