I'm nasty, anti-social and becomming increasingly mean

[StrugglingToBeNice]

I apologise for the name-change but I am embarrassed by my bevahiour and feelings and don't really wish for this post to tar my entire existance on mumsnet.
The problem is that I have had to come to the realisation that I can't stand my partners child. She winds me up, annoys me, irritates me and although I have tried so hard to pretend otherwise I feel I just cannot live with her anymore, for her sake as well as mine.
She's only 13 but she is such hard work. She constantly clings to my partner and we get no break from her. When he gets in from work at 4pm she immediately goes to him and asks for hugs etc which is obv. fair enough but she then sticks to him like glue, even when he tells her he needs to get on with things she refuses to let him move. She clings to him as he goes into the kitchen, clings to him as he goes into the garden (to the point where he finds it difficult to actually get out of the door) clings to him as he comes back inside, if he sits next to me on the sofa she clings to him, sits on him (with her back to me). If we try and talk she interferes (like during the election we were trying to discuss politics and she kept butting in every 5 minutes) she comes home from school and brags about the people she's swore at/punched/nipped/kicked and my partner sees nothing wrong with that. She is constantly craving attention, fills her facebook page up with silly comments such as "my dad is watching TV now so I'm lonely and depressed again" and of course if my partner sees it he rushes upstairs to make sure she's ok and ends up "trapped" in her bedroom for hours.
I try to clean up, she's up my back, in my way, trying to get between me and her father constantly. My partner says she's 13 and we need to treat her more grown up by giving her a clothing allowance yet in the next breath he's saying to me that I can't go out without making her a sandwich and putting it in the fridge for when she gets out of bed at lunch time. Why can't she make her own lunch??
We bought her a set of drawers, spent two days putting them together (inbetween 2 full time jobs and another child) dragged them upstairs (whilst she sat there like lady muck watching munching crisps, never offered to help) went out and bought her two lovely pyjama sets yesterday then last night we went to bed to find my partner's mobile phone on his bedside table harbouring 15 new text messages:

"Dad, I need you upstairs"
"DAD"
"oh my, why don't you ever check your phone!"
"I'm going to die :-( I need your help"
"Please dad, I need you"
"DAD!!!! THANKS A LOT FOR IGNORING ME"
"well I guess you don't care, as usual"
"DAD!!!"
"DAD CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ANSWER ME IT IS IMPORTANT"
"RIGHT FINE IGNORE ME THEN I'LL JUST GET INTO TROUBLE AT SCHOOL AND YOU WON'T CARE ANYWay"
"SOME FATHER YOU ARE - NOT"

ffs - it turned out she needed a bit of homework printing out, why couldn't she just ghave come downstairs and asked like a normal person? why such a massive drama? She inisists she cannot work her laptop (imo an excuse to get him upstairs in her room). He needs to "install" games for her, apparantly it's too difficult for her to press "English" "Next" and "Install". We can't go anywhere without her moaning and clinging to my partner.
But on the other hand I am aware that I am being harsh and bitchy. I know she just wants attention and she is probably insecure and jealous of the fact that I am with her father but I cannot shake off these feelings of irritation. We're sat there watching TV nice and quietly on an evening, having a chat and we hear her coming downstairs and my eyes automatically roll. Next minute she's sat ON my partner and that's it, conversation over, TV program no-watchable, peace shattered. I could understand if she was 5 but she's 13.
I just cannot live with her anymore, she winds me up to the point where I cannot hide my feelings. My partner is also to blame, babying her, defending her silly actions (like the barage of text messages), giving in to her every 5 minutes. I think it's best for everyone if we split up but in the meantime, how do I squash these negative feelings towards his child? I know he must feel it too

Sorry x posted with Karmann .

Also completely and wholly agree with QSincognitoErgoSum.

A few days ago, before she got home from school DS locked the front door (just to be a pain) and I didn't notice. So she tries to open the door, realises its locked and instead of going for her own key to open it, she hides behind the wall crying. She then text DP who immediately ran outside and stood out in the garden like an idiot trying to comfort her. He then came in and said DS was out of control and there was no wonder DD was so upset. WTF??? She was locked out for all of 2 minutes when in fact, she had her own keys to open the ffing door anyway!!!
I just want to leave so much I feel like crying. What an awful person I must be to dislike a child. When I see her walking down the garden path I get a sinking feeling in my chest. The front door opens, she struts in, drops her bag in the middle of the hallway. If she knows her dad is home, she'll sit on the stairs until he instinctively goes in to find out why she's sitting on the stairs I'm starting to resent every little thing. DP cooked dinner last night. 4 plates out - 3 plates had one jacket spud on, the other plate had 2. I assumed that one was DPs. DSD grabbed it and I said "hold on, I think that's your dads..." he said "No, its hers". Why does she have to have more than everyone else in the house? apparantly she has a bigger appetite than everyone else. I call it being greedy. He bought her 3 pairs of school trousers a few weeks ago. They only just fit at the time because she refused to allow him to buy a bigger size. Now they're too tight and hurting her stomach. She's eating too much again but he won't admit it. Before I moved in here she was seeing a dietician and was under a special over-weight kids program. Then she slimmed right off and had a lovely little figure = back in size 8/10 jeans etc - now she's getting tubby again (I NEVER say that in front of her btw) yet if I warn DP that his DD is putting weight back on, I'm picking on her.
If I suggest she has a shower more than once a week, I'm picking on her.

OMG she has a shower once a week at 13? That is disgusting!

Is DH the father of your DS?

Also if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been with DP for?

Family therapy.

Will you actually do it, though?

Venting on here is OK, but nothing you have written makes me think you can sort this, or that she can sort this, or having every conversation in the world with your dp can sort this.

It's structural, it may well pre-date your arrival, and you need to be all assembled together, to examine your functioning as a unit, without problematising any one element, in order for you all to move forwards.

So,
on a practical level. How many rooms in the house? Did she have to move into the boxroom, when you and your son moved in with them?

It is good that you are able to vent, op.
But, are you taking on board any of the advice you are given?

She is being very manipulative. She needs boundaries. Boarding school - understanding housemistress, lots of new friends and activities. She can learn about politics and join in sensibly with a grown up discussion on subject with you two. Perfect. Next?

Yes sometimes, when she's on a period I insist that she gets on every day and it causes arguments. Last half term she didn't get a shower at all. On the Sunday (before school on Monday) I said to Dp "She hasn't had a shower all week, are you seriously going to let her go to school like that?". So he went upstairs, told her she was to get a shower and it sparked off a massive shouting match with her screetching "I have homework to do! it has to be in for tomorow! I don't have time for a shower!" she'd had all bloody week to do the homework.
In the past she has wet the bed and still gone to school the next day without a shower, came home, got into the same pair of pyjamas that she had wet, sat in them all night, gone to bed in them (in the same wet bedding/sheets etc - which is DP's fault I know) and gone to school AGAIN without a shower. It got to the point where I was in the kitchen making tea, she came and stood next to me and I almost bolked the smell was that horrendous. God knows what the kids at school must have said because you couldn't help but notice it. But thats DPs fault. When I first moved in here, she barely used to shower at all.

I hate to have to say this - but you've posted here about your family dynamics before haven't you? Why are you not heeding any of the advice? You're never going to achieve any resolution or happiness unless you take steps to change this entire situation - venting at us won't change anything.

Thanks QS, I was sitting on my hands!

Do you think there is a possibility she is being bullied at school? Bearing in mind weight and hygiene issues.

Hi, I am on the other side of the coin, the resident mother, father did what your dp's ex did to us, no contact with the children and I was not great at boundaries either like your dp, and ended up with distructive behaviour in one of my strong willed children.

I have since changed myself, it was hard work and took a long time, i still have a way to go!

What I also want you to understand is that she is punishing the people she feels safe with for the things her selfish parent has done, it is all a test and you are failing as you are wanting to run away from her like her mother did, you have failed the test, she is the horrible person she thinks she is that drives people away, and if you leave she will throughout life feel she is horrible and unloveable!

It is a long hard struggle, and if I was you I would not want to keep going with it either, you have your own child to deal with, and your dp seems uninterested in sorting out the issues in his relationship with his child!

If you do leave, please do not tell him or her it is to do with the child, maybe be with your partner but live apart, maybe he may then be able to sort out why he is lacking in boundaries and allows his daughter and his ex wife to treat him so badly, maybe this is an over hand from his childhood? Do you walk over your dp also? it seems to be a theme in his life?

I wish you well x

I had not read all the pages with I posted, the hygiene problems are all about self hatred in her, she sounds very depressed and messed up from her parents, the selfish uninterested mother and the smoothering making up for it father, if he has no interest in changing himself then there is not going to be any change in your home, it has to come from him, as the child will not change, and if you try and control him to change and force him to do things, it will not work either, this is an issue for him to deal with, and you to follow!

I don't envy you this task, as I have a challenging hurt child of my own, and it gets me down sometimes how she takes things out on me that happen away from me, ie if people are not nice to her at school, anger and hurt at her father etc... The less in control they feel outside the home the more they want power and control and toddler behaviour in the home! It is so very sad as at her age she must be tortured at school, she must so very much hate herself and her life, she sounds like a very depressed unhappy, unloved child x x x it is going to take heaps to make her feel loved, cared for and wanted!

STBN - Listen, if you are serious about her mother having mental health issues, merely "struggling to be nice" is not going anywhere.

Think about it:

Your dp and dsd have come from a family structure where they have been normalising the problematic behaviour of an adult. They have developed a structure of interaction where they have coped, and minimised (and denied?) problematic behaviour. They have developed a coping structure.

You will have found your dp attractive (possibly) because of his mixture of vulnerablility (bad relationship, hurt) and coping (he will have had to take on some aspect of the emotional caring and stability - however problematically he has carried out those roles). You will probably be in the role of coping/providing stability/boundaries.

If so you are now in the role of "law-giver" and "the bringer of "normality" but at the same time, neither of them will have a structure for a mother in that role. You will both be responsible for bringing stability and ironically the person shattering the structure they developed before you arrived.

She is 13 - and there is no way she has the psychological maturity, and the outside knowledge (where would she have got that from? Books?) to organise the family into a new pattern.

Your dh is extraordinarily unlikely to have the insight, ant the time to sort this out.

And you? I doubt you have the time, plus your role compromises you.

And you ds? Please!

Perhaps you have a family pet?

I don't want to be harsh - I just want to make you see that this is why family therapy is available. And why it will take time. And will be bumpy.

A "magic" conversation is not going to do that. You might as well hope Santa Claus is going to give it you for Christmas.

Bedwetting? At 13? There is a bit of a problem going on here, isn't there? Not just with the child, either, if nobody noticed or cleared it up...

Still waiting for an answer to how long OP and OH have been together.

QS, you're very naughty but you just could be right.

Poor girl

Sounds like her parents have done a real job on her. Sorry that you're catching the flack.

From what I can understand if you have moved into the teenagers house and you do not love her - then it may be best if you move out. She must come first.

I really hope her situation as well as yours improves.

Eleanor, details change too- there used to be two DSes.

OP, assuming this is real, I have to agree with Annie- why did no one change her sheets when she wet the bed? Thats inhumane.

FFS, someone needs to show the child some love, by being a proper parent. It sounds like you and your DP are getting it wrong in different ways.

Its true. I am NOT trolling, despite what some people think. Why the hell would I make all this up??/ I wish it WAS made up. Yes I've made mistakes and I am trying to leave but in the meantime I am still having tod eal with it. Which is why I ask/vent on here. I KNOW I need to leave. I'm TRYING to leave. But in the meantime...
I do not go in her bedroom because quite frankly it stinks and she leaves used pull up pants and sanitary towels all over the floor. I have spoken to DP about this. He pretends to agree with me, changes her sheets, makes her clean the floor, it goes ok for a few weeks but then it starts up the same again.
Sometimes she wets the bed more than once a week and last time it had been TWO WEEKS since her sheets had been changed. The room stinks. Yes you may say I should change them but I get hassle for going in her room, I get blamed if something in her room is touched, so I leave them too it.
I think they both have mental health issues tbh, I think all 3 of them do. Mother, father and daughter.
DP says he used to wet the bed until he was 15 and his parents never used to change the bed any more than once a week and he used to wear the same pyjamas and was not forced to get a shower/bath when it happened. He was bullied at school.
Yes call me a troll all you want but I am seriously struggling to stay sane here and I can't just walk out with my child when I have nowhere to go.

The situation sounds very unreal, as it is unbelievable that a 13 year old is bedwetting and refusing to shower, and that her father is encouraging this.

Do you realize how bizarre this is to most people?

Op, you have been drip feeding quite a bit, vented, and seemingly not taking any advice on board, you are not really engaging with your audience if you see what I mean. I am not sure that you are a troll, but you seem to have made up your mind that your situation cannot be resolved.

What do you think will happen? What do you want to happen? Do you want them to change? Do you want to be in this family, or do you want to leave?
What are you doing to resolve your situation?
Are you working? Can you find a flat for yourself and your son?

Honestly, it seems you have tried, and if I were you, and the situation really is as you describe, I would leave. I would find a job, any job, and a flat, look into what sort of benefits I would be eligible for, and get out of this, for the sake of my son.

Good luck.

do you want to

(a) leave him, OR
(b) improve the situation?

as people are giving you advice for (b) but it solunds like you want to do (a)

This has become more bizarre as the story has gone on. A 13 year old wouldn't be wetting the bed and sleeping in it.
She sound like she needs counselling.First step might be the gp?

Umm.
My 12-yr-old wets the bed and has to be forced to shower afterwards if I notice in the morning rush (but IS getting specialist help).
My sister wet the bed till her early 20s.

It can happen.

yes of course sorry Lancelottie, maybe its just that the problem is being swept under the carpet/avoided by OP and her partner thats difficult to understand