I dont suppose any of you would like to join the socially awkward society I am going to start?

[MumofTrioTrioIwanaTrioIwant1NW]

free membership Or is it just me?

Am annoyed at myself for being socially awkward (several instances today in company),

I do try thats the annoying thing I just dont seem to be able to be anything else! pah!

Please come cheer me up somehow

elliemental - I didn't respond to your earlier post as I thought I must have blacked out and typed it myself as it sounds so familiar.

Especially the bit about making a connection and then finding out that they are busy socialising with everyone except me - tends to happen in the school playground, where I find out that everyone else knows the latest gossip but it's all just passed me by somehow.

I've never been in a clique though - what do you do in one?

almondfinger it was me that said ask questions. But here's the thing: I went to a dinner/dance with my DH's work people recently and got talking to a guy (and his wife) who was asking me questions all bloody night - about my politics, my parenting, my take on life generally. It was flattering, but after a while I started to feel like I was being interviewed, or psychologically profiled. Anyway, I tried to ask questions as well but he always seemed to turn it back round to me. No matter, I thought, it's fun enough, I'll just open up and go with it. Then, later that night I heard that his wife had complained to a mutual friend that I was 'hogging' her husband! Farking cheek! If anything, I was feeling a bit trapped by him - I thought I was just being sociable and polite - not a predator!

Oh elliemental, noooo - I did read your comment and I see myself in you. Especially the part about having a poor memory. I find that when I am introduced to someone, instead of listing to their name, I think "oh, what lovely eyes" or "I like that shade of lipstick' and I don't 'hear' and store the person's name. Then I have to eavesdrop to hear what other people are calling them, before I can approach them again (which I hardly ever do in any case).

I also feel that I am nondescript. Not a ravishing beauty and not a complete dog either. Just achingly, boringly average. I don't expect people to remember me. When I see someone which I have already met and have been introduced to, I always reintroduce myself - I just assume that they will not remember meeting me.

elliemental - I do that 'thinking process' thing too. I often feel that I have to justify my opinion or whatever by explaining myself beforehand and by the time I get to the point of what I was saying people's eyes have glazed over. Definitely not just you.

I think you can learn strategies to appear more confident and to help you get through certain situations more smoothly - but don't make the mistake of assuming because you're shy/anxious you're inferior to anyone in any way.
Our modern day Western society values extroversion as if to be anything else is a failure - but in other societies, such as Japan, and I'm sure in other eras, modesty and introversion were placed in higher esteem.
Indeed, the variety in personality types is one reason the human race has evolved so succesfully; when we were hunter-gatherers we needed fearless extroverts who'd stalk and hunt the beast and make contact with other tribes, but we also needed the more introvert worrier who'd stock up on berries and grains and be cautious abut approaching an empty cave, aware of potential dangers. Likewise the strange tribes, who could successfully widen the gene pool, could also prove hostile and dangerous, so it would pay to have m
members of your own tribe suspicious by nature.
End of cod anthropological lecture .

WWWY - of course you are spot on that you shouldn't think you are inferior because you aren't good at socialising. But don't you think that it's a bit of a vicious circle - low self-esteem leads to the social anxiety which in turn leads to a sense of failure which feeds the low self-esteem.

Other tribe better at gathering berries and grains! Ug wife make better small talk! Ag wife look more stylish in bear fur. Laser man wife feel sad.

CJCregg are you me?

That's just what I do.

At least when I used to smoke there was the bonding with other smokers, as we huddled outside the venue in the cold, coughing gently to ourselves.

Perhaps the more socially ept (opposite of inept?) who have found this thread could promise to look out for conversation-hoverers next time they're at a gathering and try and include one - gently?

mitochondria, quite often I go outside and stand with the smokers anyway, just because I feel more comfortable with them.

I used to share a flat with a girl whose father was fairly senior in the army. She'd spent all her life going to formal functions, having posh people and royalty to stay and she was incredibly socially ept (love that word, by the way). She was relaxed, put people at their ease, asked interesting questions to get the conversation going and made it all seem effortless. I asked her about it once in an awed, how-do-you-do-that kind of way and she said 'inside I'm a quivering wreck'.

But I suppose it does mean that there are things you can practise, like asking the right questions instead of feeling like a fool for saying something braindead like 'how did you get here, tube or bus?'

I just never seem to find the right way ...

CJCregg - and there was me loitering by the biscuits hoping that you'd talk to me....

Nice one, Mitochondria.

LaserWifeWoman, no worry about Ug man's wife - she give family poison berries.
LaserWifeWoman check berries safe.
Ag wife's man too cocky - eaten by bear.

piprabbit - the biscuits were all gone, so I went out for a passive smoke.

Don't you hate that, when you mooch over towards the food and all that's left is a few curling sandwiches, so you've made the trip across the room for nothing?

Nearly as bad as the food looking lovely, putting loads on your plate (but not too much - don't want to look greedy in case anyone is counting) only to discover that it is vile, full of goats cheese or similar horror.

And than having to wander round with uneaten plateful for the rest of the evening.

Or drop it surreptitiously onto a side table, only to get into a conversation with the person who did the food, now looking somewhat wounded.

I'm far more likely to be approached by well-meaning strangers just as I've stuffed my gob full of mini-tartlets (quite like goat's cheese) ...

I've always found the smokers better company as well, though I used to be one.

I distinctly remember when I was pregnant, and was thus barred from such activities, my DH told me that he was popping out for a fag at a social function. I was a bit confused as he has never smoked, but it turns out he meant it figuratively as, he said, 'all the cool people are outside'.

Big phew I haven't offended everyone!

Does anyone else find the ante natal threads really intimidating? I joined and then posted once, just couldn't keep up. And it's only words on a screen FFS...

hairymelons me toooooooooo ha ha gave up so now this can be my gang lol and yours

Ooh, great. Must be brave and not chicken out of posting once the thread moves on.

This thread is fantastic! I've read up to page 3 now and before I get any further just wanted to comment on the wedding thing. Dh and I got married abroad - eloped, just the two of us, basically because I couldn't stand the idea of a big wedding. All that attention

My mum however insisted on throwing us a party/reception, which I grudgingly agreed to, and as we wore our wedding clothes, had a cake, big meal, all that shit, it was really just what I'd been trying to avoid, and it was one of the worst nights of my life. I remember standing up on the balcony looking at my family and acquaintancesfriends, dancing and laughing, and was in tears at feeling so alone on what should be a happy occasion. I'm actually chuffed to bits that someone else went through that!

Will read on now!

Agree with Chihiro it is a vicious circle, low self esteem leads to social anxiety which affects your self esteem even more. My main problem is I blush when attention is focused on me and laugh. Grrrr ... End up totally avoiding social situations or if it's something I can't get out of then I drink too much and end up feeling shitty the next day.

I still stand outside with the smokers. I get to passive smoke (always fun) and MMB's DH is right, all the cool kids hang out there.

I spent a lot of my wedding reception outside with the smokers.

I wish I still smoked. Not enough to actually start again though.

dunbreedin, I wanted to get married abroad because I thought nobody would want to come and its location would give people a good excuse not to bother coming. I did give eight months' notice though, just in case, but that wasn't enough for some (like siblings).

I also feel bad about not plucking up the courage to ask a crying woman outside a shop if there was anything the matter. And the horrible indecision when an old guy on the bus didn't get off at the hospital's bus stop when he had said that was where he was going. Shouldn't I say something, like isn't this your stop? I couldn't do it, just wavered about hopelessly. Felt such an idiot - thinking just SAY something! But I couldn't...

Good morning all. Some interesting chat again last night and this morning.

There are loads of us, aren't there?

I find that I am not too bad with strangers who I know I won't meet again or need to make an impression on. I can talk to old ladies in the street and Laser I probably would have said something to the old guy on the bus but then I would cringe and think everyone else thought I was an interfering busybody.

Self esteem is definitely a problem for me. I've had a rough few years. Got made redundant from a job I loved, moved to DH's hometown (actually small village) and then had hyperemesis and had to give up my job. Then had PND that I let go untreated for a long time. I was really at rock bottom for a while, hardly left the house.

Then I had dd2 and she is 19 months now and things are a lot better but I have let a lot of friendships fade away in that time and feel a bit and lonely.