I dont suppose any of you would like to join the socially awkward society I am going to start?

[MumofTrioTrioIwanaTrioIwant1NW]

free membership Or is it just me?

Am annoyed at myself for being socially awkward (several instances today in company),

I do try thats the annoying thing I just dont seem to be able to be anything else! pah!

Please come cheer me up somehow

I'll join - I'm a classic rambler both in rl and online to avoid any awkwardness which obv makes things worse etc etc......

i find it easier to talk to children than adults, so when i'm feeling shy at a party or an event where lots of children are, i'll start talking to them instead.
then the adults think i'm being really sweet, entertaining their kids (who they always assume started talking to me! ), and they talk to me because of it.

it means i don't have to worry about being rejected by said adults as being boring or embarrssing.

if the adults don't notice me, then at least i'm talking to someone and not sitting there liks a prat on my own.

Kathy - i get that too! i stare at people, in my head thinking, "I know you, why do i know you..."

hello Ezma - have a biscuit!

there's a socially-inept faux-pas. i'll hand the tin round to everyone so no one thinks i'm favouritizing the latest person to join the group (in the hope that they don't realise that noone else is talking/listening to me before she joined...)

[hands round the biscuit tin - there are bourbons and chocolate hobnobs in there]

Nickelbabe, I'm glad I'm not alone. It's awful isn't it? I was in town one lunchtime and there was a woman with two little girls who kept waving at me and staring. I didn't recognise them so concluded I had my skirt on inside out or something equally daft.

Later my brother phoned to say he thought the least I could do was reply to his daughters when they say hello.

[donates two packets of garibaldis to the biscuit tin]

I travel miles to go to a toddlers group that my DSis goes to, just to ensure the possibility of one person talking to me - sometimes they don't because they're in their cliquey groups and I don't know how break in without feeling a tosser.

I also hate the sound of my voice and have a non-local accent, so even if I do say something it's excrutiating, and I always go home thinking, "You are a knob. What did you say that for?" Plus forgetting to say normal things like "Bye" and "But how about you?"

We need more cake

exactly kathy!

i get lots of children saying hello to me! i just assume it's because they've visited my shop and so say hallo back, and pretend i can remember who they are.
all children look the same to me!

Laserwidoe, i hope you don't mean that we should assume that you went behind the playhouse for a widdle?

have to say i've never done it to my own niece though....

although, i did meet my sister in town once and completely forgot what she looked like.
nearly didn't see her when she arrived.

in my defence, i hadn't seen her for ages because i'd been at uni. please ignore the fact that i'd been home for a couple of weeks and had seen her there that morning....

snaffles a hobnob and a bourbon, in a fit of indecision<

i hadn't really considered therapy of any kind (beyond a therapeutic MN thread) because on a day to day basis, it doesn't matter. The kids keep me busy, and it is hard to notice a lack of social life whilst you have stuff to do.

but then i wonder: is it getting worse?

i think factors that may exacerbate this -

1. Babies/young children/ pregnancy - nuff said
2. husbands/ OHs (either not supporting you, being themselves socially appalling, or worst case: actively undermining your confidence)
3. money- i have to avoid some social stuff for financial reasons, though i wonder if the extent to which this is done is truly necessary. It is a good reason not to do social stuff, but it is also possibly an excuse....

flagrant self-analysis (generally of an 'aren't i crap' variety) is bad, i bet people who bitch alot get an easier ride (eg, coffee morning rubbish, other mothers/ kids all cowbags/vandals ....= focussing negativity outwards..i believe there is research to show people who do this are happier...ain't human nature great.) I try to remind myself that other people are also self-absorbed, and therefore may not have noticed the things i castigate myself for ..but its useless.

Although my Dh is quite a sociable bloke really, he is at home with us (good thing: he helps with the DCS. bad thing: i have less reason to make an effort to Get Out Of The House)

oh, self-analysis is the worst of those!

i think very carefully about what i'm going to say, then say it, realise it sounds completely odd, mad and weird and then go bright red because i've totally cocked it up.

or think about what i'll say then somehow manage to ad lib when it comes out of my mouth!

Dunbreeding that is like something I would say!

I find its not having anything to talk about thats my problem its how I say it. I am sure sometimes I look odd when I talk fast and gesticulate madly! I find it hard to maintain eye contact, I just find it really uncomfortable.

I read an article about highly sensitive people and I can relate to a lot of the characteristics - creative, sensitive to noise (I can't sleep if the telly is on downstairs unless on very low), light ( I wear an eyemask at night!).

thanks MissMarjoribanks and suiledonne
I might try and go tomorrow. I suppose everyone just loves compliments on their children so i'll try and throw lots of them around

do you want to hear how long it takes me to ring customers?

when they order books, i take their phone number and ring them when it arrives.
it normally takes me a few hours to pluck up the courage.
so, i'll get the books, work out who on the list i know has an answerphone and is unlikely to be in (repeat customers are easy like that) and i ring them first, because i say the same thing to the answerphone every time. then i look at those with home phone numbers during the day, and ring them next, because they might not be in either.
(but if they are in i get embarrassed because i have to ask for MR or Miss/Ms/Mrs such and such and worry that there's more than one in the house)
then i pick the mobile phones and sit there hoping that they'll gop to answerphone too.

ringing people scares me to death.

i sigh with huge relief when the person comes in the shop soon after i've unpacked the book, so that i don't have to ring!

bitnbobs - that sounds like me too!

now i feel like i'm hogging the thread!

and when i talk to people with strong accents i start strengthening my own accent (and end up sounding really hoity-toity), but when i talk to people with good pronunciation/posh voices, i feel like i'm talking really common and then go red with the thought!

Nickelbabe - I have the phone phobia too! Even with friends I hate when they ring me. My worst job ever was telesales and I felt guilty ringing every single person,it was awful.

bitsnbobs I worked in telesales for a while too. I was the worst salesperson ever.

I have such a concience that if I wasn't 100% convinced it would benefit a customer I just couldn't do it.

I sometimes even talked people out of signing up for our service. Couldn't face the whole jumping up, screaming SALE bit anyway so was probably a good thing I was so crap.

I moved into Customer Service then and was actually very good at it. I had a genuine desire to help people and since it was incoming calls they actually wanted to speak to someone and it made it a lot easier.

MissMarjoribanks - sorry must have missed that bit - have been dipping in on and off today. Now feel bad for whinging!! But will force myself to get over it!

Ooh Nickelbabe - phoneaphobia, that is. I think I kind of got over that at work because I just had so many jobs where I had to make phone calls and I started to just get on with it. However, since becoming a SAHM I think I have developed it again and I find myself putting off making calls that I really should make.

EAP - I know what you mean about using circumstances in order to avoid socialising. I sometimes think that I wanted to give up work for that very reason. But that is also the reason that I want to get over this stuff because a part of me feels that life is all about overcoming our fears - 'a life lived in fear is a life half-lived' and all that. And other people, and what they think of me, is one of my greatest fears. Which sounds really sad when I say it out loud.

But that's what all this stuff comes down to isn't it. We just all worry too much what other people are thinking.

My work phone manner is apparently good (though suspect thats primarily because my accent is posh for the area!). I do struggle with timing with phone conversations. I struggle with social conversations - fine with brief making arrangements ones - but keep putting off phoning friends, thinking I've got nothing interesting to say etc.

LaserWidow - I had similar worries re:teaching children social skills, even put it on MN many moons ago - general consensus was not to worry, as much of speech/socialising is innatve/instinctive, so I wouldn't be likely to screw things up too much!

That thing of hating the phone is a classic trait in shy people (I read that somewhere).

Over the years I've done things like: wait until it almost becomes rude before replying to a kid's party invite; never ringing other couples to make arrangements because they were originally DH's friends not mine; geting DH to ring other parents about pick up arrangements and so on - the list goes on.

Ironically I worked in recruitment before having the DCs, which was pretty much pure tele sales, but was buoyed up by being part of a team and we were all In It Together, rather than little old me representing Team WhatsWrong.

I was rubbish at the face-to-face client stuff though. We were constantly being urged to arrange to meet clients and try and do presentations, the thought of which made me go hot all over.
Probably why they never made me a manager even though I was experienced and pulled in decent fees.

Oh heck yes!

I'm face blind so I actually don't recognise people. And then I can't remember anything about them so I have nothing to say.

I also, as a teacher, tend to overcompensate and get all teacherish and people don't like being lectured in social situations so I tend to say nothing and stand there and smile vacantly and nod politely and I don't actually KNOW what to say to them or how to make small talk and I don't drink alcohol AND I have weird thing about eating in public and when I'm forced to talk I babble.

nickelbabe, I've been behind the playhouse cringing and wishing I was either someone else or just had more confidence, ready wit, graceful manners and less tea-dependency.

I also keep typing posts that are too self-absorbed for my liking when I really want to comment on the remarks everyone has made. Then of course the conversation has moved on and I haven't said anything, which also happens a lot in RL.

The phone phobia!!! I'm rubbish at ringing people for a chat, and when I had to leave messages at work I was so self-conscious I practically whispered, which really wound up the people hearing the message. And saying Um and thinking DON'T SAY UM stupid bitch and then losing the whole train of thought, which ain't good on the phone. Idiot!

TotalChaos, if speech and socialising comes instinctively, why I am such a wreck? And everyone else seems to have issues?

i think the human race evolved living in family groups, where there would still be tensions, but not the anxiety of not knowing each other...

I always feel like I have to 'save' uncomfortable situations.

Like the time I had a meeting at my daughter's school with the new Head. As I silently followed him into his office, I thought shame, maybe he is feeling anxious about being so new and I decided to break the ice by saying something funny. I remember thinking that the last time I was called into a Head's office, was when I was small when I went there to get a spanking (loooooong ago) - I thought that maybe I could make a joke about that. So, guess what me and my big mouth said to the new Head? I said: "Where shall I bend?" x 10000000000!

lol @ NinaJane
Bet he didn't know where to look!

You've gotta laugh, haven't you?

I've been known to chat to new mums in the playground, thinking ah, I know how it feels to be new -but of course they're perfectly capable of joining cliques making friends thankyou, so I end up sidelined again while they yak away, to the extent of subsequently ignoring me!

Actually HotSprocket, he had a silly grin on his face the entire duration of the meeting (I now know that he did not take in anything I had said during the meeting - I had to repeat it all in an email a few days later) AND he did know where to look - it was somewhere below my chin and above my bellybutton! When I go to the school now and I see him in the passages, I literally dive into the nearest classroom or dustbin.