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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

did he hurt her? how do I find out more?

99 replies

lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 21:04

Earlier today DD age 3 said her bottom hurts - pointing between her legs. Through the course of the day she has repeated this adding details when I have asked her how / why etc. She had started to tell nana but clammed up saying she didnt want to talk about it and ran off to play.

I asked did it hurt when she did a wee?

no, daddy's finger nail.

How did daddy's finger nail hurt you?

In my bedroom.

where do I go from here? apart from being sick and jumping to awful conclusions. Is there an innocent explination?

I asked him in very general terms about it, and he said he cant remember scratching her.

She said tonight that daddy said he was sorry.

We dont live with him, been seperated a while now and he only sees us once or twice a month at the moment due to other committments (aka his social life)

bloody hell. what if there is no innocent explination? what do i do now? Do i take her to the doctor -will this kick of child protection - will they call the police? what if its nothing?
what if its something?

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 21:05

oh and I am NOT a troll, but have name changed.

OP posts:
YouMightKnowMe · 09/06/2010 21:08

Could he have wiped her bottom and caught her?

the biggest thing (and I know it is hard) is not to question her too much. If you start asking questions you can put words into her mouth whcih can compromise any further investigations should it need to be taken further.

I hope someone else comes along with more reassurance and constructive advice soon.

scurryfunge · 09/06/2010 21:09

You have a responsibility to protect your child...take her to the doctor if she is complaining of pain there. It may or may not launch an investigation but you need to make sure you are doing the best for your child.

Is there anything visible?

Don't ask for any more accounts from her, she may twig something is not right....just keep reassuring her.

FionaSH · 09/06/2010 21:09

I can see why you're worried, it doesn't look good, but could be harmless.

If she started to tell her Nana about it, could Nana perhaps coax her to talk about it again, if she's reticent to tell you any more?

Hopefully someone else will have more useful info to add.

You must be v worried - hugs xx

GypsyMoth · 09/06/2010 21:09

if this were me,then i'd be looking...somehow,without making it worse....to see if there is a scratch or something

does she go to nursery?

traceybath · 09/06/2010 21:10

I think you should call the nspcc and ask for their guidance/advice.

There is hopefully/probably an innocent explanation but in your situation I would seek guidance.

FionaSH · 09/06/2010 21:10

Just read the posts above - ignore my comments on coaxing her to talk - other posters advice is much better!!!

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 09/06/2010 21:10

Better an investigation that proves nothing awful has happened than you sending your child to someone who has abused her.

I really hope it is innocent.

Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 21:19

She started to tell nana on Sunday and so i have definitely not been putting words in her mouth or sounding worried about daddy - very aware of how a child could pick up on this. I just let her talk about it when she wanted to.

Its taken until today for her to say more. She was asking me to make it better but doesnt want me to look. She said if it hurts in the morning 'mummy can put cream on me' (she means sudacrem)

Its the fact that she said Daddy said sorry makes me think he should remember if he hurt her albeit unintentional.

She said he wiped her bottom in the bathroom but then he came into her bedroom, she was reading her book and his fingernail hurt her.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 09/06/2010 21:28

Book an appointment with your GP tomorrow.

TubbyDuffs · 09/06/2010 21:33

I would second the idea for going to the GP, they are probably trained to deal with this kind of dilemma (hopefully).

Has your DP got particularly long fingernails, which might have scratched her when changing her nappy? It can happen, I have scratched my child unintentionally when changing her.. it can happen.

What is your gut feeling?

lifeissweet · 09/06/2010 21:34

Lifegetsworse,

For what it's worth (which is not a lot I grant you), it sounds as though you're dealing with this really well. You are not getting hysterical or over reacting, you are not interrogating her, you are doing all the right things. It must be horrible. I felt a bit sick just reading your op at the mere thought of it.

I really hope there's nothing to it. Sending good wishes to you and your DD.

Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 21:36

thanks I think i will try and get an appointment and let them jump to their own conclusions.

I dont think she would let the doctor look at her but I'll try and take a sample in the hope it is a wee infection and daddy s involvement is incidential - please God.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 21:36

thanks I think i will try and get an appointment and let them jump to their own conclusions.

I dont think she would let the doctor look at her but I'll try and take a sample in the hope it is a wee infection and daddy s involvement is incidential - please God.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 21:44

she is out of nappies so its just a quick drying wipe with toilet paper when she uses the potty and most often she does this herself. This is the first time he has taken her to the potty as I usually take her or she goes on her own.

My gut feeling is he is a liar and he did hurt her in some way but doesnot want to say.

thanks lifeissweet - feel like i want to scream but keeping the panic underwraps as i dont want to upset her or start down a road that is unnecessary - but already its got me worried about the next time we see him.

i have not told him what she has said or where on her body he may have scratched her. I just mentioned it in passing.

OP posts:
Bigpants1 · 09/06/2010 22:46

I think, if you dont think your dd will let the GP examine her, you need to have a gentle look yourself-perhaps after a bath, or when changing her nappy. You should be able to see if her vagina looks red/sore. Ask her to tell mummy where exactly it hurts-eg, outside/inside vagina.(dont mention daddy-just that you want to stop it hurting).
What kind of relationship do you have with your ex? Have you ever had any cause for concern about inappropriate touching before?
I agree with others-dont question your dd, but let her tell you as and when you can.
I thought there could be an innocent explanation reading at first,but feel a bit uneasy at daddy "hurting" her while shes reading her book.
Again, it really could be nothing, but obviously you want to make sure your dd is safe.
Im sure you know, that if the GP has any concerns, he is duty bound to pass them on to appropriate agencies-he does not have to tell you. This starts the process of your dd being "interviewed", possibly examined, you and exp being interviewed, and possible long-term consequences for your exp.
You are in a horrible position and only you can decide the next step. Take a breath and think things through. Our gut instincts are usally right. Im sure eveyone here will be thinking of you.

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/06/2010 22:52

it would be less traumatic for her for you to look and not the gp at this stage.

the gp will be obliged to act if he thinks any abuse is happening. rightly so.

can you not simply ask your ex what happened? then see if your dd comes out with a similar story?

it could be innocent if he has wiped her bottom and caught her. if its not so innocent then you have an obligation to act.

im really sorry - this must be awful for you and your little girl.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 22:54

It's not the GP that examines children that have possibly been abused, it's a paediatrician. I think you need to go with your instinct here and contact social services. It could be nothing but for your peace of mind and for your child's safety it needs investigating. In the mean time, don't ask her any questions or talk to her about it. If she wants to talk then let her but write it down. You've seen what her bottom looks like, you know what a scratch looks like, if it's anything different then you will know, this is where you need to call social services. It's possible he scratched her when he was wiping his bottom, this would look like a scratch though.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

scurryfunge · 09/06/2010 22:57

Vicar....the OP has mentioned it to the ex already.You do not want the child constantly examined either, neither should several accounts be asked of the child. Once any sort of disclosure has been made,then a referral should be made to social services, the GP or the Police, who will all act together (the GP will defer to a specialist).

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/06/2010 23:02

oh sorry, didnt read that.

i was simply speaking as a mum, not in any other capacity.

mrswill · 09/06/2010 23:03

Hi life
Id have a good look yourself if DD would let you, then go through the GP or SS to get access to a paediatrician. They'll be able to better identify if any damage has taken place, and how the damage occurred. In some cases Ive dealt with (social worker), sorry only a few, the doctors are generally able to tell whether the damage has been caused by sexual abuse or accidental. Am not sure how they do this. But it can be used as evidence in court. Hope this helps.

mrswill · 09/06/2010 23:06

Just read my message back. Didnt mean you'd had any intention of going to court!! Just that usually the doctors are good at id'ing cause of damage etc, so it is valid enough to use as evidence for others.

Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 23:09

Thanks everyone.

I did ask him today. i said that dd had said daddy hurt her with his fingernail but did not say where on her body just that it was at the weekend and did he recall anything. He said no, he could nt think of anything. i did not want to be specific. She said she had cried and daddy said sorry.

I am not going to ask her about it or mention Daddy. I will try and check her tomorrow but as she is out of nappies its just not the sort of thing we do as even in the bath its just a wipe with the flannel.

He has often got sharp fingernails as he is lazy with keeping them neat.

She has had bumps, scrapes etc before with him as he is a clumsy sod. one of the reasons I left him as I coulnt cope with him being so careless with her. The doctor knows this, and the health visitor has already commented that dads are not normally this careless with their kids. Its not been often but often enough if you see what i mean. For example, they were playing ball - he threw it at her hitting her in the face. He picked her up and held her so tight (he says so she would not fall) there were hand prints on her skin.

So, if I go to the docs and mention him - i think they will react with all force and he will think I am being vindictive and alarmist.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 23:10

yes she does go to nursery Ilovetiffany - why?

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 23:14

Goodness, he shouldn't be throwing balls at her face! Are you sure your child is safe with him? I'm not saying stop contact, it would be better that contact is made in a contact centre though so he's supervised, he's either a liability or he's violent, either way he harms your child.