did he hurt her? how do I find out more?

[lifegetsworse]

Earlier today DD age 3 said her bottom hurts - pointing between her legs. Through the course of the day she has repeated this adding details when I have asked her how / why etc. She had started to tell nana but clammed up saying she didnt want to talk about it and ran off to play.

I asked did it hurt when she did a wee?

no, daddy's finger nail.

How did daddy's finger nail hurt you?

In my bedroom.

where do I go from here? apart from being sick and jumping to awful conclusions. Is there an innocent explination?

I asked him in very general terms about it, and he said he cant remember scratching her.

She said tonight that daddy said he was sorry.

We dont live with him, been seperated a while now and he only sees us once or twice a month at the moment due to other committments (aka his social life)

bloody hell. what if there is no innocent explination? what do i do now? Do i take her to the doctor -will this kick of child protection - will they call the police? what if its nothing?
what if its something?

Hi life, I do think some people have been unnecessarily aggressive towards you. I can see that you're trying to do this right - you're not ignoring the safety of your DD. I'm really glad you've spoken to the NSPCC and decided on a course of action. I wish you and her the very best.

I did a clinical practicum in play therapy. Could you take her to a child psychologist who could find out any necessary information in this way? It's very gentle and calm and actually quite fun for a child as they are just playing and talking to the psychologist. there is no trauma involved and, depending on how it goes, you may even be able to stay right there with her throughout. Is this a possibility?

"I have to consider that she may have linked two seperate events.."

I don't understand you here, what two seperate events has your daughter linked? I thought she told you about one incident involving your exP, (the scratch to her bottom).

Ignore the bitches posters who have attacked you, you'll find the same culprits willfully attacking the 'victim' (OP looking for advice) and still having the audacity to claim they are pro women!

You have done nothing wrong, don't forget these are the same posters that would have claimed you were making a mountain out of a molehill if you had reported your EX straight away, you can't win. Accusing someone of child abuse is huge and it's not a decision, unless faced with irrefutable physical evidence, anyone would take lightly.

I've been following this thread for a while, and I do agree that some people have been harsh.

I think it's easy to say nasty things when you're not in the situation. Sure, some people might have experience but you are her mummy; you decide what's best. I think you're right to proceed with caution. I'd have probably come on somewhere like this in your situation and posted for help. Just look at all the people who came on here in support of you OP, and take no notice of the ones who have attacked you. They are not worth listening to, and clearly don't realise that this is a sensitive subject and needs to be dealt with as such. You will always get some people like that though.

I agree with posieparker; accusing someone of child abuse is a huge allegation and you're going the right way about it. I really wish you all the very best xx

I agree with Posie too

lifegetsworse, There are people here who are better qualified to give you sound advice than me, I just want you to know that this is one of the saddest threads I've read here. You must be going through hell.
I do hope that everything goes OK for your little girl and you. And I hope that your fears are unfounded.

OP please remember that some of the poeple that have made 'harsh' comments will/may have gone through difficult times as children, they are giving you their opinon from the experiences they have had. It really is only from concern for your dd.

My niece and my sister went through this when my niece was 3 years old. (Niece is 14 now). It was not my sister who allerted the authorities, it was the dds nursery. So my sister was as much a suspect as her ex husband. I can assure you my sister went through hell and back with that one! My sister had not noticed anything about her dds behaviour, other than her dd trying to kiss her in a very adult way, on one occasion. It all came out during nursery hours.

You have had lots of good advice her, but I really hope you do manage to speak to somebody and get proper Real Life advice.

I think some people need to calm down. especially those with no apparent experience of sexual abuse in a child.

OP - I do hope you have set the wheels in motion to get help for your child as I can tell you from experience you will pay for it later if you do not do all you should to protect your child if her father has abused her. And one more thing, better her being questionned when nothing illegal has happened than you do nothing and it happens again or your child feels failed by the one person in the world who should always protect her.

OP - my child was examined for signs of sexual abuse.

It was not what I would plan for her ... but she coped and has forgotten. She was 6 at the time.

I understand where you are. People here are trying to give you a nudge to help you past the level of disbelief that paralyses many. I don't see you struggling with that -I hear a woman acting with consideration of all angles of the situation. A paed would not swoop in hysterically assuming the worst - too much damage can be done that way. You're weighing up the evidence, trying not to leap to conclusions and trying to consider the best way to act to protect. Sometimes the open musing on a forum allows others to hear your doubts and pile in. (I voice my doubts. Doesn't mean I won't act - just means I'm considering all options.)

Lifegetsworse - so sorry you feel attacked and even more sorry if the tone of my own posts contributed to that feeling.

Sadly, some MNers have themselves mothers who have been in denial about abuse, and thus complicit in it; even more of us have been on too many threads where mothers have prevaricated, or made excuses for abusive men when it was clear that children were at risk - it can have the effect of making one cut to the chase.

Good luck with everything - this is an awful thing to have to consider, let alone deal with, and you are clearly giving it the weight it deserves.

From a totally different perspective, and I have NO idea what you should do, but my dd (at 5 not 3!) often gets things mixed up. So she'll say that Daddy took her ice skating when actually it was Granny or that last year when she was 4 she did x when actually it was 2 days ago.

So on that basis your 3 year old could easily have got the rooms mixed up eg bedroom/bathroom. And your DP could have scratched her/caught her somewhere totally different.

As a sort of example I saw my dd earlier walking with DP, he was about a metre behind her when she tripped over a stone, she wobbled a bit but didn't fall over. She turned right round and said 'You kicked me!' to him and then ran to me saying 'He kicked me!'. I saw the whole thing and he was nowhere near him, children see things differently sometimes and she is 3 not 5.

I'm not naive by the way, a family member was abused from the age of 2 to about 10 by an older male relation so I do know what can go on.

Obviously if you think there is any possibility of child abuse you need to sort it appropriately asap, however, as you rightly say it is also a massive allegation to make and not one to be thrown around lightly.

When I read your original (and further) posts it was quite clear to me that you are desparately worried and trying to do be cautious and pro-active at the same time.

You clearly realise that this area is a potential minefield and you only want to do the right thing.

I think you are showing an intelligent attitude to what must be an awful worry.

Of course, you will always get some people who will jump right in with their tough talking having mis-interpreted your comments.

The only thing you can do is try to stick to the constructive and helpful comments - weed out the well-meaning witch-hunters.

FWIW, it was also quite clear to me that you were planning to put Sudocreme on your DD as part of your plan to try to see if there was any visible scratch/injury. I can't understand why somebody thought you were going to put cream on and try to forget the whole matter.

Good luck, I hope this turns out to be nothing.

i think if you have taken advice from a respected organisation like the NSPCC then you have done the right thing, and i would follow exactly whatever advice you have been given.

people really do piss me off sometimes in their rush to wade in and shout abuse, or affair on the relationship threads, or whatever, without using just the smallest amount of common sense or paying any attention to what the consequences would be - (not to them of course, they really couldnt give a rats arse as long as its not them, they can forget this thread tomorrow and go back to shouting at people on forums) - but to you.

i speak as an adult survivor of abuse. you are doing the right thing by your daughter in seeking advice, so use the knowledge and expertise of those like the NSPCC who deal with this daily. i wish you the best of luck and hope that it really is something and nothing.

and what Vicar said.

many many thanks mumonthenet and defluffy and vicar and many others who have understood rather than alarmistly condemn me of purposely delaying / compliciteness / denial

• you are right in your summations, for example the sudacrem was a way to let her show me - there was nothing there.

she remains non specific, she added she was jumping on the bed and fell off and daddy caught her, she is happy in herself, there is no way i would ever ignore something like this, but as defluffy said, my 3 yo has also said people have pushed her, hit her etc when they have just walked past too close. I am aware that at this age they can link events.

what alarmed me and why i posted is that I wanted to be so careful not to put words in her mouth, to let her tell me IF anything had happened, as any mum would do. Yes, ex is clumsy, yes he is lazy, he doesnt clip his nails, has scratched me too by accident when i handed him a cup of tea. There have been times when he has hurt her - but NO indication of intent, she has hurt him by accident - landing him in A&E.

What this has done though is make me sick with suspicion, its put a cloud over us.

I think you have done the right thing. Lets hope this is a one off. and if it occurs again, well you will know next time

I am sorry if people have upset you, its an emotive topic and people, even via the web, care about your DD....plus people that have experienced it are going to be, naturally, very reactive

good luck

thanks. jusrt worrying myself sick looking on line for other warning signs - but all can also be attritbuted to our family break up and it warns on the sites that this can be the case.

I'm not letting there be an opportunity for a next time until i am 100% convinced there was absolutely nothing in it this time.

I'm so for you, lifegetsworse. And you've been really strong to put up with the people who haven't been so gentle on here.

I still think the play therapy could be a good thing for your DD... even if just to cope with the family break up. And then you can be reassured that you've got a "second opinion" from someone trained and who is keeping an eye out for anything more sinister as well.

I think that the addition of ~ she was jumping on the bed and fell off and he caught her ~ makes this a different scenario.

I wouldn't be particularly careful where my hands went on my son if I was catching him from falling and may end up scratching him somewhere or even bruising/twisting an arm/leg as I grabbed.

If your daughter has only just added this information I understand why you were upset before, however your ex was protecting your daughter not harming her from the sounds of this. As such I think you need to let it go.

OP, just wondering how you are getting on?

lifegetsworse - If she cried, he would remember this incident. Why is he saying he doesn't? The stuff about his 'clumsiness' is worrying. Definitely call NSPCC to get advice.
I wouldn't worry about anything other than your dd's welfare ie try not to concern yourself with what docs or anybody else will say or do.