Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

did he hurt her? how do I find out more?

99 replies

lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 21:04

Earlier today DD age 3 said her bottom hurts - pointing between her legs. Through the course of the day she has repeated this adding details when I have asked her how / why etc. She had started to tell nana but clammed up saying she didnt want to talk about it and ran off to play.

I asked did it hurt when she did a wee?

no, daddy's finger nail.

How did daddy's finger nail hurt you?

In my bedroom.

where do I go from here? apart from being sick and jumping to awful conclusions. Is there an innocent explination?

I asked him in very general terms about it, and he said he cant remember scratching her.

She said tonight that daddy said he was sorry.

We dont live with him, been seperated a while now and he only sees us once or twice a month at the moment due to other committments (aka his social life)

bloody hell. what if there is no innocent explination? what do i do now? Do i take her to the doctor -will this kick of child protection - will they call the police? what if its nothing?
what if its something?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 09/06/2010 23:16

Doesn't matter what he thinks, your child is your priority and her safety.

mrswill · 09/06/2010 23:20

Does she generally have a good relationship with him life? Is she afraid or wary of him in any way?

Being that careless, sounds a bit dodgy. Especially as you were prepared to finish the relationship over it. The handprints sound strange. It appears as though his intention is to hurt her, but making it look like hes not trying to, iykwim. But I do know things look different in black and white on here, than they are in RL.

What does your instinct tell you?

Possibly discuss with him further, and if you dont get a satisfactory explanation, go ahead with seeing GP?? I suppose GP should be seen anyway, as she may have an infection if she is in pain.

grapeandlemon · 09/06/2010 23:22

AH - your last post rang massive alarm bells for me.

I don't know exactly what is going on with him but it really doesn't sound right. The "clumsiness" and hand marks on her. So not usual. I'm sorry something has alarm bells ringing for me after this post.

I really think she needs to be checked over.

You will feel utterly shit about it if you leave it and do nothing. Please contact your GP.

Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 23:30

he is a liability belle - my sis thinks he has somesort of undiagnosed aspergers - what seems so obvious to me and others seems like rocket science to him - like throwing a ball underhand to your child slowly so it lands near them. I had to show him how to do it after he hit her in the face. he is either special needs or being deliberately thick and trying to hurt us both.

He was very jealous of dd when she was born and the time i needed to be with her.

Feel terrible and want to do the right thing without making things worse and subjecting DD to further stress by raising the alarm if its not needed and its just him being stupid again.

Thankfully we wont be seeing him for a while. I suspect he will want to turn up on fathers day though!

I will suggest we put on cream tomorrow and I will take a wee sample to the docs, just in case it is a wee infection.

but it still makes me feel I cant leave them alone now, not even for a minute - just in case.

OP posts:
dittany · 09/06/2010 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/06/2010 23:37

You can't leave your child alone with this man again. I wouldn't give a flying fuck whether he's got aspergers, dyspraxia or thinks he's a fifty-foot tall Illuminati lizard, he is NOT SAFE to look after a child.
You have warned him in the past that he is hurting her or risks hurting her, he has not stopped his potentially harmful behaviour.

Is his contact with her court-mandated? If not, STOP any kind of unsupervised contact, amass as much evidence as possible of harm he has caused her and tell him that he is not allowed to see her unsupervised again.
I really wouldn't bother about trying to spare this tosser's feelings: your DD is more important than he is, and if he's a decent bloke he will accept that. If he won't ccept it he's not a decent bloke.

dittany · 09/06/2010 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrswill · 09/06/2010 23:38

I really would get her checked Life. Not just for your peace of mind, but for him as a father. Otherwise, you wont be able to properly relax when she is with him, which could impact their relationship. You dont have to explain in detail to the GP, just say she has been complaining of pain down there, and could he/she take a look. If there is something significant, hopefully they would spot it, and your worries would be justified, or allayed if they cant see any inflammation etc.

Given his past behaviour, accidental or not, I think your worries are justified. He sounds like you cant trust him for a minute. Rather like a child himself.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 23:46

I agree with what the others have said, please don't trust this man with your child. It doesn't matter if he has an undiagnosed condition or not, he harms your child. It's in both of their best interests if he has supervised visits only. You need to think what will happen when she starts school, the teacher will see any marks and social services will investigate you both, he will be harming her and you know about this and have not made steps to protect her (I'm sorry to appear so blunt, this is how social services work, their main interest is the safety and welfare of your child). You have to document everything, write it all down, every mark every ball, every scratch that she has recieved whilst in his care. Then you need to seek legal advice (this is after you take her to the GP), if there's a court order which says she must stay with him overnight/days then this needs to be overturned, he is entitled to see her but he needs supervising.

onebatmother · 09/06/2010 23:46

I think you MUST call the NSPCC. He has harmed her before. He's apologized to her but can't remember harming her. He was jealous when she was born. He was touching her sexual parts with no reason to. I'm sorry, Life, but this all adds up to Very Wrong.

You can't leave her with him now. Unless your worries are noted (at the very least by your GP) you may find that you will be forced to leave her with him in the future.

Please call the NSPCC at the very least.

onebatmother · 09/06/2010 23:48

It's his jealousy -o f a baby - combined with the 'unintentional' harm on previous occasions, that's ringing very loud alarm bells for me.

Original poster
lifegetsworse · 09/06/2010 23:49

no i am not in thrall to him dittany.

He picked her up from the garden in front of me and carried her into the house, i saw him do it, all seemed fine but her skin was red, i thought at first it was too much sun, but when I realised and pointed it out to him he was full of apologies, she was not at all bothered - it was me that was bothered.

She was only on her own with him for a short time as I was busy downstairs and she was happy to be playing with him. There havent been any incidents for ages so it seemed ok to let them play for 5 or ten minutes.

Please dont attack me, I do know what is at risk here and my eyes are not shut that is why I asked for advice here on how to proceed hopefully in a sensitive and sensible and not hysterical manner.

If it is nothing then, any investigation would be unnecessarily harmful.

I was hoping for ways to proceed and what and if to ask him to get his version of events and how best to deal with this without alarming or victimising my dd who seems to be mentioning this as an incidental happening.

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 23:50

I trained as a paeds nurse (I'm not a qualified one though) and I know that it takes alot of force to leave hand marks on a child by just holding them. I wouldn't believe this for a second, I'm sorry.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/06/2010 23:55

I do, actually, appreciate your concern that being repeatedly examined and questioned by health care professionals could unnecessarily distress your DD - while many are compassionate and wonderful, there are a number of utter idiots. However, given that this man has repeatedly hurt her, I would very strongly suggest he is not ever left alone with her.
WRT him having an undiagnosed condition, what's his relationship with the rest of the world like? Do many of his friends end up with bumps, bruises, drinks spilled on them? If it's only DD and you, then he's an abuser. If he is generally excessively clumsy then a diagnosis might help, but given that he's been content to be clumsy and hurtful for years, I wouldn't hold your breath.

scurryfunge · 09/06/2010 23:58

Lifegetsworse....you are doing the right things, go with visiting the GP and take it from there...avoid any further questioning at all costs and let the professionals make the decision whether there is anything to worry about.

Original poster
lifegetsworse · 10/06/2010 00:09

ok thanks belle - sometimes it feels that i am just neurotic and have only my own handling of her to go on.

good point solidgold, answer is i dont know what he is like as i dont mix with his friends and his family thinks he is a marvellous person and doting father often in tears that he cant see her.....they already think I am a neurotic and overproctective and have it in for him. Having said that, most of his friends have been left by their wives/ partners or are single and cant sustain relationships.

I am already in teh process of seeking additional help / support via the doctor about our dysfunctional relationship (meaning me and him and dd and him) so i want to be absolutely careful on how i handle this as it will be like a bombs gone off in our life and DD is of an age she will remember.

Additionally, if God forbid he has deliberately hurt her, then i want to be absolutely sure he wont be able to say i coached her to say these things. That is why i am tredding so carefully - not because of worries of his feelings.

OP posts:
dittany · 10/06/2010 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/06/2010 00:13

You have to do something specifically because she will remember. I can't imagine how hard this is for you but in the years to come it will be far worse if she comes to you and asks why you didn't help her (I'm sorry). Let the doctor know what's been going on, the evidence will speak for itself, you can't coach this

Original poster
lifegetsworse · 10/06/2010 00:14

signing off now. words of wisdom and support appreciated...thanks.

OP posts:
mrswill · 10/06/2010 00:15

I do agree with what other posters have said. Although I do understand you not wanting to make a issue if it turns out to be nothing. Your dd has made a disclosure to you, so I think you have to take some sort of action to find out what has happened, via your ex or preferably through your gp. If your dd is in pain in that area, you should seek appropriate Medical care anyway, regardless of your suspicions, or because it could bring up difficult questions from the gp.

I think because of his past actions, I would be more suspicious. If anything op, I think your being a bit too cautious with this, from the picture you've given. I hope it all turns out well for you an your dd

pithyslicker · 10/06/2010 00:17

It may be innocent it may not be. Go and take DD to see your GP tomorrow.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/06/2010 00:18

Oh shit OP, he's clearly been abusing you as well (isolating you, telling you you're mad and everyone knows it). You are not mad. You do not have to obey this shithead. He is not superpowerful.
For your DD's sake and your own, stand up to him, call the NSPCC, take your DD to the doctor and say she's complained of pain in her genitals.

Original poster
lifegetsworse · 10/06/2010 00:21

dittany I am not. I am not worried in the slightest about what he thinks of me - the point is that I dont want to give him a defence that he could use to gain unsupervised access in the future. The timing of this could look all too convenient.

I do want to proceed as stated in my earlier posts about going to the doctor i am not talking about ways of not doing anything but of proceeding with sensitivity and caution - perhaps you could do the same before you post to me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegetsworse · 10/06/2010 00:26

@Yes I know he is not superpowerful! I just never liked his friends - all too jack the lad for my liking so we didnt mix.

OP posts:
IsGraceAvailable · 10/06/2010 00:27

I've kept out of this, not being a mum and all that. But I very much support calling the NSPCC, which several other posters suggested but seem to have been ignored. I've rung them before. They're specialists, they're knowledgeable, they're un-hysterical and they're very nice to talk to. I get the impression you could do with all of that.