did he hurt her? how do I find out more?

[lifegetsworse]

Earlier today DD age 3 said her bottom hurts - pointing between her legs. Through the course of the day she has repeated this adding details when I have asked her how / why etc. She had started to tell nana but clammed up saying she didnt want to talk about it and ran off to play.

I asked did it hurt when she did a wee?

no, daddy's finger nail.

How did daddy's finger nail hurt you?

In my bedroom.

where do I go from here? apart from being sick and jumping to awful conclusions. Is there an innocent explination?

I asked him in very general terms about it, and he said he cant remember scratching her.

She said tonight that daddy said he was sorry.

We dont live with him, been seperated a while now and he only sees us once or twice a month at the moment due to other committments (aka his social life)

bloody hell. what if there is no innocent explination? what do i do now? Do i take her to the doctor -will this kick of child protection - will they call the police? what if its nothing?
what if its something?

Can I add my 2-penneth please.

I used to work in a previous life in children's social work.

I would recommend NOT going to the Gp, as they are NOT specially trained to deal with this sort of thing, unless they have been specifically nominated. indeed your daughter might well find it extra distressing for someone else to take a look.

Its my experience unfortunately that GPs can and have said "the child is fine" when a specialist paediatrician would say something completely different.

What most important is that someone Investigate properly. That is much more likely to be someone talking to your daughter at a level that she understands, and taking it from there. Then a specialist paed or childrens dr who is trained specifically in these issues would examine her. The NSPCC should be able to co-ordinate this with relevant professionals.

My advice, as others is, is to call NSPCC for specific advice on this. I agree don't bring it up with her again, it might serve to make her regress into a position of not saying anything particularly if she feels someone might get into trouble.

My heart goes to you at this difficult time.
Love from 1foot.

I am not ignoring it. Will call NSpcc in the morning and the docs. and yes isgrace, i could do with that.

today feels like the worse day of my life.......

The Nspcc helpline is open 24-hours, it might help you sleep if you ring them now

Oh my god,you poor thing,having to go through this!
I agree with everyone else, you are going to think your ex isn't capable of this, but every abuser is someones son, brother or partner (or the female equiv. obviously). All of their families would think the same, that there is no way on earth their beloved would do that. But you need to put your DD first...can you imagine if you think it's nothing then find out later he's been abusing her for years? I hope you have rand NSPCC.

Fingers crossed for you that this is all just a mistake and everything is innocent.

with regard to the bbruise marks it depends on her skin/collagen - my son is easily marked /bruised and any slight pressure leaves a red mark.

you will know how much pressure it takes for her particular skin to get marked. that is important to know...

regarding this - the fact it apparently happened in the bedroom does ring alarm bells.
ringing NSPCC sounds like best advice - and not letting her alone with him.

Can I just say as a child who was examined by police for signs of abuse, it isn't the examination that distressed me.

Loud alarm bells ringing here.

My child would not be with this man alone ever again in this situation.

I am so sorry you are going through this I can't imagine how hard this is for you. My little sister age 6 was found in a difficult position with a teenage boy. The gp was unqualified to do the exam, so my mum phoned the police and they went to a pediatrician in the hospital who was qualified.

However my little sister refused to let the doctors examine her with my mum in the room and demanded I go in so don't be offended if she does want someone else in with her. Just to offer encouragement and support children are resilient and two years on my little sister seems to have completely forgotten the event. It seems to have had no long term effect although we are of course looking for any calls of help.

Oh dear me, what a mare

from first reading this is dodgy, for some of the following

in the bedroom, if he was wiping would be in the bathroom surely?
the fact that she has repeeated it all day. just rings a bell
the fact that he is a bit rough with her
why wouyld her little fanny hurt so much?? its very dodgy

I would 100% seek further advice, better safe than sorry. if you are wrong, well better than than it continuing

so sorry this is happening

I'm sorry but I think this is all starting to sound a bit over-dramatic. Very easily done that he has nicked her with his nail when wiping. Yes get it checked out if you are worried but chances are it is nothing. The hand print thing doesn't seem too worrying to me. If he was holding her that tightly she would have been screaming or crying but you say she wasn't bothered. Maybe a previous poster is right that her skin just marks easily.

Don't get me wrong you know your ex and if you think he is a danger to her then deal with it. But I find these sorts of threads get blown way out of proportion.

nikki it's the fact that he denied scratching her, despite the fact that she cried at the time and he apoligised at the time to her.

That is suspicious, and along with everything else, it doesn't sound good.

agree, Nikki please do be careful

Actually I would suggest saying to dd "lets put some cream on" because it would be a good excuse to have a look without worrying her. Not so as to ignore the problem but actually the complete opposite.

There is no way of knowing what has happened atm.

I can imagine a dh accidentally hurting a child when wiping, not knowing they've done it and then apologising to the child later with a " sorry I didn't mean to hurt you".

This could be totally innocent or totally not.

There was a thread a long time ago where daddy had hurt a little girl when he wiped her in the bathroom, he had used the wrong wipes, antibac wipes are a big problem on little bottoms, he didn't know, he apologised.

It says he hurt her with his finger in the bedroom, he could have been innocently tickling her or reached for her book and poked her by accident especially if he is a clumsy idiot!

You do need to get it checked out, Hope for everyones sake its all innocent.

Lifegetsworse i see myself in your posts a few yrs back when my dd was sore down below but i was too embarrassed to have her checked out by my gp who was rubbish and always tell me theres nothing to worry about.
At that point i had no thought that it could be abuse.
Some stuff happened last year that i began having suspicions that something didn't feel right. I didn't know what to do and contacted 'stop it now' which is a helpline i found there advice helpful. which was to protect my child and then with time things have become clearer about my suspicions. Which were true but sadly as her bottom had healed and wasn't sore anymore my gp said that the paed would not find anything.
I am kicking myself for not making a fuss when she was sore and take her to A and E to get her checked out. As i now realise that the redness was not normal but signs of abuse.
I urge you to not do what i did. I know that it is so hard to think straight about what you should do. It is very easy to get caught up thinking about other things like i did.
Get in touch with 'stop it now' and take your dd to get medical help aswell as that. I have found an organisation which are really good called 'MOSAC'. Which are supporting me at the moment.

one more thing - you heard about it on Wednesday, today is Thursday, not seen anyone yet

What traces of evidence will there be if you hang about a bit longer?

It is not only this isolated incident but the any incidents and the gut feeling of the Mother. My training in CP stated that you have to look at the whole picture. For me, it is the fact that she is repeating that her Father hurt her. She is telling you something here.

Abuse within families does happen, it is a reality and although it may seem like it could never happen to you that very denial is why it is missed time and again.

I would really cut all contact with him, who gives a rats ass about father's day she is your baby and there are suspicions she has been hurt. Don't apply cream or anything like that and try not to push her into talking (I am sure you know that).

I wouldn't go to the GP either, they could so easily miss something if you haven't explained the bigger picture. I would go to SS or NSPCC.

Good luck.

why the hell are we sitting here debating this. shes hurt take her to the GP.
If she had fallen over and hurt her arm at her dads there would be no question of GP. Take her, sod him and get her some help. It may be that he caught her with his nail when cleaning her, its happens a lot, but beter to be safe.

Having been through something similar I contacted my Health Visitor to discuss; she had to initiate the child protection process, but I felt it was the right thing to do ie believe what my child said and follow it through calmly.
Best advice - don't ask further questions; there are others trained to do it; follow the process - my 3 year old was interviewed on her own (unusual but the Police felt she was able to handle it). Our outcome was one word against another, but I feel that in believing her and backing her I did the right thing.

I would phone one of the advice centres ful, of trained people, like the NSPCC. They can and will help you.

And good luck.

she has clearly stated that he injured her in her bedroom, on her genitals, whilst she was reading a book. I can't see any way in which that could be 'accidental' OR have anything to do with 'wiping her' after toileting, as previous posters have suggested.

Please please stop delaying this! Please contact the NSPCC.

I was also trained in child protection a few years ago (teacher) and the one thing we had drummed into us was if a child starts to disclose something, you need to get the professionals to ask the questions and record the answers. Why? Because the child might only 'disclose' once, and then clam up - and if there IS abuse going on, you want to make sure people who know what they are doing get the information down correctly so that you can take further action (if needs be) to protect your child.

"she has clearly stated that he injured her in her bedroom, on her genitals, whilst she was reading a book. I can't see any way in which that could be 'accidental' OR have anything to do with 'wiping her' after toileting, as previous posters have suggested. "

totally agree with this

I thought 'Asperger's' when I read this yesterday but didn't want to say it as I think people jump to Asperger's a lot lately.

I don't live in England, but here (U.S.) I would take a child to the emergency room. I assume then Child Protective Services would be called, they have specially trained people to interview children re sexual abuse.

Please stop waffling and take your child for help.

ok - feel like some of you are kicking me when i am down. lets get things straight - it has taken days of little comments from dd to get to the point i could piece together enough information - she did not spill it all out at once and i have not sat on the information or dilly dallied. The complete opposite. I am taking this oh so seriously - there are two sides to this, if its a case of abuse then it obviously stops right here and if its not a case of abuse i have to make sure that she is not subjected to unnecessary stress and trauma caused by what could be something innocent - incidentally she told me I hurt her when I got her dressed this morning - how I have no idea.

She in herself is absolutely fine. She mentioned it in the same way as if she had fallen in the park or had a tiff with one of her friends. She is in no way distressed by it or showing that she is in pain in any way, but she is saying it.

I have to consider that she may have linked two seperate events and proceed with caution and not make the kind of allegations and assumptions made on here. i have spoken to the NSPCC and we have embarked on a course of action - and their advice is to proceed with caution. Bear in mind that the last bit of info she told me was at nearly 9 - so to be accused of delaying is just unhelpful - what am i supposed to do - call out the emergency doctor? call the police? wake her up? make this explode before we have had a chance for a professional to speak to her calmly?

I posted in the hope of some practical advice on how to tackle a clearly difficult and sensitive issue - and I thank those of you who have offered some. But I have to say, I wish I had not posted as I feel many have unnecessarily attacked me.