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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

first date - when to expect contact/to contact

124 replies

quitenice · 07/06/2010 08:02

Had a nice first date yesterday afternoon with someone i would like to see again.

Hes away with work for the next 3 weeks, but at the end of the date said we could do something when he gets back.

But of course he could just be saying that.

Ive not heard from him yet ( and dont expect to) I was thinking if id not heard would it be ok to send a ' hows the foot' text ( he hurt his foot while we were out) on about wednesday. This is of course assuming ive not heard from him by then.

Or should i really just wait until he contacts me.

I just dont want to spend 3 weeks wondering if he is going to call me.

OP posts:
thesouthsbelle · 09/06/2010 19:08

don't worry honestly, chap i'm seeing we had a date on the weds - when I told him i'd be 2 hours max - and turned up late didn't have the spark really as in obviously. he then went away for 3 weeks which turned into 4 althou I met him after 3 weeks for a dirty do we have the same spark in person as on the phone, and well all is good so far, we see each other pretty much every day atm.

don't play games text to say thanks for the date, text in a few days to say just wondering how ya getting on and then leave it and shout next.

think when you meet someone genuine & that games & will he won't he goes out the window.

Coolfonz · 09/06/2010 19:10

To the OP: being a fella (as I am): don't do text speak:

"Great fun last night, hope your foot gets better! See you soon. QN xx"

Oh...too late!

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 09/06/2010 19:23

Very witty text! but let him make next contact...

NinaJane · 09/06/2010 20:17

I'm not trying to burst your bubble here OP, but for goodness sake, why are you on a dating website?! Those sites are horrible for women. Women usually join dating sites in the hope of finding a loving partner, men do it to find a quick, no strings attached shag. I am very suspicious of men who join dating sites. I mean, what is wrong with them? Can't they find a lovely girl anywhere else? There are thousands of fantastic women to choose from in their every day walk of life, but no, they join a date site. You have to wonder why (I would). Date sites are wonderful places for these men. It is a bottomless pit filled with eager women, waiting for them, hoping for them, pining for them, swooning over them. Sorry, but no self respecting, dignified woman will lower her standards by allowing herself to be exploited like that. Yes, there are some success stories, I know, but they are very few and far between. Your chances of finding your life partner on one of these sites, are about as much as your chances of winning the lotto.

Why don't you get out into the real world? Join a book club, do volunteer work, join a hiking group, go to church (if you are so inclined). The possibilities are endless. Here you will meet real people, with real lives. You will make new friends, friends who have brothers, cousins etc. Do your shopping at the same shop every day (week), smile at the cute guy who has things like ready-made meals and quick soup in his trolley, strike up a conversation. Browse in bookshops (you'll be surprised how many cute guys hang out there), also you'll know that he'll have a brain. Don't belittle yourself by just becoming another number or photo (one of millions) on a dating website. You are worth more than that. I agree with others, you sound absolutely lovely - I know a couple of men who would love to meet someone like you. Don't degrade yourself by becoming some one's 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 20th choice/option.

As for this twat that you dated the other day. If he really liked you, he would have contacted you before you even got home from your date. If he really liked you and saw you as a 'keeper', he would have been petrified that some other bloke was going to get to you, while he was away on his 3 week business assignment. He would have CALLED you everyday (not send an effen text - which he didn't do in any case) to hear what you were up to. He would have had flowers delivered to your door. But did he? No. I'll tell you why. He thought you were nice and all that, but he is keeping his options open. He probably has a herd of willing females on his email list and he is keeping them all dangling until Miss-Perfect-blows-his-pants-off comes along and I bet you he will phone her every day and have flowers delivered to her door. He will make sure that his next work assignment is near where she lives. He will drive right through the night, in a car he borrowed from a friend, just to pop in in say hello to her. He won't care that he will be knackered the next day, because she will be worth it. YOU deserve to be that woman. Sorry.

quitenice · 09/06/2010 20:36

well thats all very well nina. But if after a two hour date he was calling me every day, or constantly texting. Or had flowers delivered to my door ( when he doesnt know my address) or declared he was no longer going away as he couldnt bear to be near me. Then, in fact i would think he was a freak and would run a mile.

It was a few emails and a 2 hour date. It wasnt a declaration of love at first sight and a promise of forever.

While im sure hanging around a bookshop or tesocs manically smiling at people while trying to control my children might be appealing to some men.. im not entirely sure it appeals to most of them. And a book club or something would be lovely.. but then, there are the children, and lack of babysitters, and lack of funds. There is a resaon dating sites exist, and its for reasons like that, or lack of time, or people moving to new places and not knowing people.

Its not all freaks and weirdos. Though im not denying there are a fair few of them. But not everyone on there has something wrong with them, and neither is everyone married and justafter sex.

OP posts:
quitenice · 09/06/2010 20:40

and btw, ive been on dates where ive been called the same night. Ive been on dates where they have texted daily, lots of times. or called daily. You know what... the ones that did that where actually the ones who were just trying to get into my pants in the quickest time.

The one guy who i thought was super romantic and into me beacuse he brought be flowers and wine on our second date was the biggest tosser of all.for as soon as i did have sex with him i never heard from him again.

I think you are either quite inexperienced with things like this,... or else very naieve.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 09/06/2010 20:51

I met my DH though internet dating Ninajane, and I don't quite know where you get your attitude from.

I happened to like internet dating, I'm much better at meeting people in a one to one situation, rather than in a group.

Also if you meet someone on an internet date at least you both know that technically you are available and looking for a relationship, whereas in other situations it can be a lot more confusing.

One of the things that endeared me to DH was his straightforwardness, at the end of our first date, he said that he was having a good time, had enjoyed meeting me and would like to meet up again and we arranged a time and place there and then.

OP all the signs are very promising, just don't respond to any messages too quickly.

oliviasmama · 09/06/2010 20:56

don't hold your breath, agree that if he was that interested he'd have contacted you without being prompted the next day or even the Sunday evening.

good luck though, hope I'm wrong and that it all comes good.

oliviasmama · 09/06/2010 20:58

oh, by the way 3 of my pals met their H's through dating sites and they are genuinely "normal" people....

elastamum · 09/06/2010 22:46

Hi nina Jane, I think you are being a little harsh. Have been dating through the internet for a while and have met nice normal people not freaks and wiedos at all. Both times when I have met men I liked they asked me out again there and then and whilst I havent met the man of my dreams I have had some really good nights out with nice men who werent just trying to get a shag. Also, when I have checked men out to make sure I know who I am seeing, they have always turned out to be who they say they are. Not everyone out there is sad or weird or desperate, male or female.

Scarlet88 · 09/06/2010 23:01

so.........has he called/ texted??

quitenice · 09/06/2010 23:02

not since monday

OP posts:
berries · 09/06/2010 23:27

If someone told me they hated being constantly texted after a date I'd make pretty sure I didn't do that. Don't think you can tell whether he's just 'not that into you' or he's trying hard not to blow it by doing something you've told him you don't like

Scarlet88 · 09/06/2010 23:29

ok i will keep my fingers crossed for you.................hope he gets in touch

thesouthsbelle · 10/06/2010 16:27

i think prob put it down to experience this time tbh.

Ezma · 10/06/2010 16:57

Hi quitenice, sorry have been manic with work (very rude of it to interrupt my time on MN IMO!) for a few days. Yes, did hear back from date but by that time I'd convinced myself that he wasn't right for me in a romantic kind of way but a potential friend. Fortunately, he feels the same way too so we're going to meet up again on that basis. I guess that next time we meet up it could be completely different so you never know. In the meantime, I'm carrying on with other stuff and seeing what happens with other guys. If it makes you feel better, I'm doing online dating too. I really don't think all men on there are after one thing and it is difficult to make time to go out different places to meet potential dates when you are working, looking after a child and keeping in touch with friends and family too. If I didn't have the internet dating as a way of just kickstarting things then it would be very hard to actually meet potential dates. So far I've had dates with three very different but equally lovely guys and whilst I didn't fancy any of them they are the sort of people that I would have liked in a social situation if I had met them that way rather than online.

Counting down the days for you quitenice until your chap returns from his business trip and hope it all works out!

quitenice · 10/06/2010 17:03

ezma, thats nice that you heard from him though, and he did actually get back in contact with you.

i think i will end up putting this one down to experience. Which is a shame, but there you go.

Its not worth me thinking about it anymore as ive got a lot of other social stuff going on at the momment, and actually no free weekends until the end of july. So it doesnt much matter.

His loss as im fab

OP posts:
Ezma · 10/06/2010 21:39

That's definitely the way to think about it quitenice. It's all a bit of fun at the end of the day and Mr Gorgeous/ Right will be just around the corner.

Bizarrely, there was one guy who emailed me, I replied and then didn't hear from him for nearly a week. I thought he'd been put off by a very bad joke that I'd made (I have a v juvenile sense of humour) but I heard from him today. I really don't think most guys think about timing and things like that like us women who do tend to overthink things.

You sound a really lovely person and it's great to have lots of social stuff going on. Fingers crossed you meet someone special soon, keep us posted!

quitenice · 10/06/2010 22:22

mind you- he did say he would contact me when he gets back and hes not back yet. I wont totally discount him until a few days after he gets back.

but, ive luckily got a lot of stuff to distract me.

OP posts:
Ezma · 11/06/2010 09:22

Exactly and in the meantime you're not sat moping in a corner!

quitenice · 28/06/2010 09:45

thought id update as i know i like updated threads.

I have not heard from him. It has been three weeks. he has also vanished from the dating site as well, so either the whole 3 weeks working thing was a lie. Or he found someone else. Or, who knows???

OP posts:
thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 28/06/2010 12:58

Oh no, never mind. Just read through all of this and hoped it would have a happy ending.

And another to ninajane's guide to dating. It's like something from the 80's. No cute guys on the Asda checkout round here, unfortunately. Lots of my closest friends met partners on internet sites - nothing odd in it at all.

Lovesdogsandcats · 28/06/2010 20:50

Maybe he meant 'around' 3 weeks, and is in fact still working?

quitenice · 29/06/2010 08:35

that could be true but i dont really care. If he did randomly contact me now its too late, hes missed his chance and he should have text me or something.

OP posts:
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