Advice needed for abusive relationship

[NETTEYJC]

I have been with my partner for 6 years, we have always spoken about how much we wanted a baby but It was never the right time - money issues, I was at uni etc. We started trying for a baby last year and I fell pregnant in December, I found out that I was pregnant when I was two months gone - he walked out on me, I let him back when I was 4 months and since this he has made my life a living hell, he constantly tells me how stupid I am, he will say he doesn't want our baby because he knows how much it will upset me, he shouts at me to give him money, He tells me that I will be a bad mother ( I know i'll be a bloody good mother but it still hurts {angry} ) refuses to talk to me for days on end and wont give me any reason why he is ignoring me, the other week I painted our bedroom and he laughed while he watched me moving the heavy furniture and when I had to climb up the ladders. He also never asks about how I feel or how the pregnancy is going, If I need something done he says he wont help me until I am 'nice' to him - I didn't realise that I wasn't being nice! He is being extremely emotionally abusive and I don't know why, yesterday I tried to talk to him and he stood up grabbed my face and pushed me out of the room and told me to get away from him. I think what he is trying to do is make it so that I throw him out, that way he will look better to his family and our friends when he says why we are not together and I will look like the bad one. His behaviour has become increasing more and more unreasonable, I have started not to go out because every time I leave the house he moans If I am gone more than an hour or so, we rent one of our rooms out to a really nice gay guy, my partner has told me that I am not even allowed to go into the garden because the lodger sits there! I know what I should do and that I should throw him out, I certainly don't need him, he doesn't support me financially or emotionally, I suppose that I am just feeling like I need him with me at the minute because I am 6 months pregnant. Does anyone have any much needed advice? Our relationship was fine before he found out I was pregnant.

Your pregnant. That is why this has started. He has you right where he wants you. Your his forever now.

Abusive men don't start off being abusive. If they did that they would never attract a partner.

And if he is grabbing your face and shoving you, he is not just being emotionally abusive, he is being physically abusive too.

Your relationship sounds just like my mums was. My father didn't start off being abusive to her until she had his first child. It didn't stop until his daughters were old enough and big enough to fight him back. Three against one was too much for him. He was a coward.

Phone WA and start making plans to leave. At least until your DP agrees to anger management and counselling.

Well, I'm afraid he is right about one thing. You WILL be a bad mother if you are prepared to bring your child into this world and subject it to a life of watching its mother being abused in this horrible manner.

You are going to be a mother - you must get rid of this toxic menace out of your life and your baby's life for good. Why on earth did you let him back? why are you still with him?

Do you think anyone here has a magic spell to make scumbags into nice blokes? because there's no other answer I'm afraid. He won't change. You can't change him.

Why do you think you need him?

Get rid. Now.

0808 2000 247

the good thing is that you know you're being abused. It takes a lot to realise that and own up to it being true so well done.

Ring the number - they'll help you leave and sort everything out

are you bruised? take photos. Ring the police and get them to make a note of it.

I think you should either leave or tell him to leave, he is being physically abusive aswell as emotionally. If he goes telling people its your fault you split up then you make sure and tell anyone who listens that he was abusive towards you.. Thats no way to live for anyone especially when pregnant.. Like you said he doesnt support you and you dont need him.. Get Him out as soon as possible and if he wont go or becomes violent then call the police.. Think of yourself and your baby.. And when he`s out dont let him back..

anger management doesn't help abusive men (or women).

Does he treat absolutely anyone he encounters the same way? No? then he doesn't have anger issues and he is choosing to treat you as he does....

also, don't do couples counselling - it is dangerous for abusive relationships because the counsellor rarely finds the truth about the situation and can inadvertantly aid the abuse by giving them permission in a round about way to treat you like they do.

Womens Aid will be more than willing to help you through everything and plan to leave if that is what you want

Thanks for all of the honest comments, I know that you are all right and I know that I could never subject my baby to his horrible ways. There has always been an underlying nasty side to him but he has always backed down and then turned on the charm afterwards, as ShinyAndNew says though, he thinks he has me where he wants me now just because I am pregnant.

Poor you

Domestic abuse/violence is much more likely during pregnancy. There are a range of reasons for this, but there is help available as Pattertwig as pointed out.

If you have a midwife or hospital appt soon, then tell them. The hospital where I had my check ups, had a system where one could mark one's urine sample with a big cross to indicate domestic violence and leave it with a midwife/nurse who would get in touch. This could be risky if you are not in a safe place, but if you have a phone that only you answer.

You need to be careful about leaving your computer history around (delete history every time) and any outgoing calls.

If he is threatening you, then you need to leave as it will only get worse. Or throw him out as it sounds like your house? But if your physical safety is in question, leave and sort out the legal stuff later.

He sounds absolutely horrible and it sounds like he is making your life completely miserable. You really don't have to put up with it.

I would walk away now and have a little time to get yourself together before your lovely baby is born. Having a baby and then looking after it can be very hard work and you may not have the energy to leave once it is here.

Yes its my house, he has nothing, he has a rubbish job and I think that because I have been to university and done more with my life than he has then he feels quite inferior, hence the reason for him calling me stupid all of the time and trying to put me down. The only reason why I haven't thrown him out is that I will look like the unreasonable one, he is so nice to everyone else and puts on a front when other people are there, I know he is just playing a waiting game, he wants me to kick him out so then he can play the victim and act like I have taken his baby away from him. He even says that I only got pregnant so I could have a council house and claim benefits - duh I own my own house so why would i need a council house? It's like he's lost the plot or something!

How much do you care about what the people he will talk to think?
How many of them will believe him, and how of many of those do you care about?
I suspect none of them, if they are stupid enough to believe him. And people who believe him need to be out of your life as well as him!
So don't worry about what "people" will think. Get rid sooner rather than later and don't feel any guilt or obligation to him, and certianly don't worry about what some people might or might not think. Move on.

Get him out, Get him out! For your health and that of your baby to be. I am so sorry to hear about your situation.
Do you have some family members who can stay with you while you get him out.

You really must not worry about others.

A family member had an abusive partner who was a charmer but deep down my family realised that there was something not right - we moved her out as soon as we were made aware of the abuse and her life is soooo much better.

PS do not move any more furniture either.

You need to tae care you yourself and your baby.

Actually, he has lost the plot! That's how I figured out my ex had a Personality Disorder. He started saying stuff that was intended to put me down ... but had absolutely nothing to do with me (weird doesn't begin to describe it). This tells you he has no idea who you are! To him, you're just a placeholder for "the wife" in the fantasy he lives in, in his head.

Totally strange, and you really cannot trust him to be any kind of reasonable. He's capable of doing you serious, violent harm. The same craziness, that makes him cast you as a benefit scrounger, can easily make him strangle, stab or club you to within an inch of your life - or beyond.

I'm very sorry: the man you love is just pretend. It was part of his fantasy. Please call Women's Aid for some advice on your options.

I worry about what people think because although I am an English Christian my partner is a Middle Eastern Muslim and we live in a Muslim community where Muslim values are very strong, we also live by many of his friends and his family and they have a strong influence in both of our lives. Although religion has never been a problem for us I can forsee problems for myself If I am the one who is seen to end the relationship, I wish he would just leave.

Could you sell up and move to another area? You really must end it, he won't. Have you phoned WA yet? Do it now.

After you've chucked him out, you could make an appointment with the imam. He might be able to smooth your path within the community. Unfortunately, he's also likely to try & reconcile you so you shouldn't do this unless your eally have to stay where you are. Moving would be a better option.

Please call Women's Aid, they have loads of relevant experience & knowledge.

Have you called womens aid?

You can start afresh and you need to.

You are going to bring a baby into the world.

Remember babies are friend magnets - you will be able to join groups, meet other mums etc etc.

... hoping Netty is calling WA right now....

I will phone womens aid but need to do it when he has gone out.

I will sell the house if I can just get him out of it!! Good idea about the Imam, would never have this man back if I can get him out, I wouldn't want to subject my baby to him now that I have seen the real him.

Is he in the house???

Not so sure about the imam idea, beause he would surely try to reconcile you in the light of the pregnancy. And is more likely to be taken in by the "charming" facade.

Do you have any family nearby? Does it have to be on his family and friend's terms?

Def phone WA and keep trying - quite often the line is engaged or there is an answerphone message.

Right.

Where do I start. One of my biggest regrets is not leaving my x when I was pregnant with dc2. He was abusive but as bad as he was, he wasn't giving me the silent treatment with my dc1! He was just subtly controlling back then.

You say yourself "I know I will be a bloody good Mother". That is the number one reason to end this relationship. You can be that bloody good Mother on your own, you know that. But if he is chipping away at you constantly, with his negativity and subtle and overt forms of control you will find that your ability to be that bloody good Mother is seriously compromised.

Don't worry about what other people think. Please. Another one of my huge regrets. I realise now that some of mistakes were made because I cared more about appearing happy than actually being happy!!

What happened to me!? that I could prioritise appearing happy over being happy!? A few years under my belt with him, that's what!! I should have walk out ages before I did.

I'm a good Mother, a far better one than I was when I was with my x, and miserable and walking on egg shells.

I also regret that the time spent with my tiny babies was marred with fear and stress and worry. I can never get that time back. I needed support but I got none from my X and being around him only heightened that acute feeling of loneliness. If I'd given up on the relationship back then, it wouldn't have been a failure. It would have been the strong thing to do. It would have been braver to have left sooner rather than later.

End the relationship and focus on yourself and your baby. You will be a bloody good Mother yes, but only if you don't have some toxic negative controlling bully chipping away at your soul.

Good luck.

Pregnancy is a real trigger. I had left my x once when I had one child. and I stupidly, stupidly went back to him. The second I got pregnant with dc2 he became even worse (I'd left him the first time because he was emotionally abusive, and financially abusive) and then when I was pregnant with dc2 he added physical abuse into the mix. Obviously it makes no sense whatsoever. But pregnancy is a trigger because these guys (who are all rather text book and not unique at all) imagine that we are powerless now, that we need them! I'm not proud of myself that I stayed with my x 'til my dc2 was 14 mnths old. I should have left when I was 9wks prgnt as that was when he grabbed my hair and yanked out a huge clump. I can't even remember why.

ps, I also advise telling your lodger. I bet he knows anyway. The facades we think we're maintaining often aren't as successful as we imagine.

You say he is a nice guy, so he won't bale out on you now if you kick your x out. It might be good to have somebody there.

Same regrets here that MagalyZz has. Tough out the reaction of the community. They will forget all about you when the next train crash happens. Really -- no crowd of strangers cares enough to let it hold their interest for long before something else distracts them. Make efforts to sell and move on once you've got him out.

Step One is to get this dangerous, unhinged and violent man out as soon as possible, if not sooner. Call WA and tell them everything, and call the police to report the time he assaulted you in the face. Go out and buy bolts for the doors and next time he's out get out your screwdriver and put them on the doors. Pack his stuff and be ready to put it out on the street. You can get the locks changed afterwards.

He has crossed a lot of lines very fast since he has returned to your life, and he will only continue. He will not change. Do not even consider counselling or sending him on some mickey mouse anger management course. This is not an anger problem, it's a disorder.

Thank you so much for all of the comments, It's put everyting in to perspective for me reading that other people agree that I should ditch him. The hard thing is that I don't have any family near by but will have my Mum with me when my daughter is born so I will have more than enough emotional support off her, I might even go and stay with her after the birth so at least I will be out of the area.

My partner is in the house now and always makes an excuse to come into the room when I make phone calls but will call womens aid when he goes out. Thanks again guys for all of the good advice, I know that all of you are so right.