Advice needed for abusive relationship

[NETTEYJC]

I have been with my partner for 6 years, we have always spoken about how much we wanted a baby but It was never the right time - money issues, I was at uni etc. We started trying for a baby last year and I fell pregnant in December, I found out that I was pregnant when I was two months gone - he walked out on me, I let him back when I was 4 months and since this he has made my life a living hell, he constantly tells me how stupid I am, he will say he doesn't want our baby because he knows how much it will upset me, he shouts at me to give him money, He tells me that I will be a bad mother ( I know i'll be a bloody good mother but it still hurts {angry} ) refuses to talk to me for days on end and wont give me any reason why he is ignoring me, the other week I painted our bedroom and he laughed while he watched me moving the heavy furniture and when I had to climb up the ladders. He also never asks about how I feel or how the pregnancy is going, If I need something done he says he wont help me until I am 'nice' to him - I didn't realise that I wasn't being nice! He is being extremely emotionally abusive and I don't know why, yesterday I tried to talk to him and he stood up grabbed my face and pushed me out of the room and told me to get away from him. I think what he is trying to do is make it so that I throw him out, that way he will look better to his family and our friends when he says why we are not together and I will look like the bad one. His behaviour has become increasing more and more unreasonable, I have started not to go out because every time I leave the house he moans If I am gone more than an hour or so, we rent one of our rooms out to a really nice gay guy, my partner has told me that I am not even allowed to go into the garden because the lodger sits there! I know what I should do and that I should throw him out, I certainly don't need him, he doesn't support me financially or emotionally, I suppose that I am just feeling like I need him with me at the minute because I am 6 months pregnant. Does anyone have any much needed advice? Our relationship was fine before he found out I was pregnant.

Wise wise words here...nettey please take heed and please get him out and look after yourself.

Good for you Netty. You won't regret it. YOu might worry that you will but you won't.

good idea to go to your mum's for a while to get some distance and perspective. Your lodger can stay in your house and you can give him new key when you change the locks.

ps, just to reassure you, concerns about how bad you will look if you end the relationship might seem paramount now! but in time you will not care a jot about who thought what.

NOt all relationships work and and this one definitely didn't. Most people realise that they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. IF you feel people are judging you all you need to say is that YOU became very unhappy in the relationship. NOBODY can argue with that. He can't tell you that you're not unhappy.

Also, when yOu end the relationship, don't get tied up in knots defending your right to end the relationship. You don't need to justify it to him.

Just pick a stock phrase that can't be argued with, such as "this relationship is over" and no matter what he says to you keep repeating back to him like a parrot "this relationship is over".

These guys think that you need their permission to end the relationship. They think it is only over when THEY say it is over, so if you try to end it gently or kindly by explaining your decisions then it will be like a court case and you will be prosecuted. don't allow this to happen!

Just repeat over and over again "This relationship is OVER".

thanks Magalyzz, I know that if I wasn't pregnant then I wouldn't care a less about throwing him out, I think that being pregnant must have made my thinking somewhat fuzzy because in normal circumstances I would never allow anyone to treat me like he does. Throwing him out now just seems to put more and more questions into my mind like 'how can I go through the birth alone (this scares the life out of me!), will he want to see our baby when he's gone, will i have trouble with him going to access of our baby ( i dont think he's mentally stable enough to care for a baby), will he try and take the baby just to spite me etc' I know that I am overacting but just feel as though my brain is about to explode with all of these worries. I'm going to try and talk to him later though and tell him that I can't go on like this, i'll keep you all posted.

You have shown here that you are an intelligent, articulate and strong woman and when you have gotten this nasty piece of work out of your life, you WILL be a good Mum.

I know this will be hard, but you can do it. Well done on having the strength to do it NOW, before it gets worse.

Best of luck.

Please call WA before you chat to him, and if you do chat to him (I am not sure that you should), then have someone else around. You must keep you and your baby safe.

Can you arrange for the lodger to be just outside your door when you talk? With his phone switched on.

You'll be doing it on your own no matter what! Birth is one thing you have to do yourself, no matter how many people are in the room with you.

As far as your worries about him and the baby once she's born cross those bridges when you have him out and can go see a solicitor. Job Number One is to get him out. Take it one step at a time don't let the worries and fears pile on or you'll end up in a heap.

Please only do what is safe for you and the baby. He sounds completely unreasonable and I don't know if it will be wise to try talking to him about your feelings, especially tackling him in any way about his behaviour. I would opt for telling him you can't go on by putting bolts on the doors -- there's no comeback for him that way, no chance to attack you.

If you have to talk, only do so in the presence of someone else, who will be there afterwards.

Document everything, even if it's just in a thread on MN.

Make sure someone is there when it comes to getting your partner out.

Would your lodger be on your side, as it were? Who does he pay rent to?

Please do not underestimate the capacity of this man to be violent.

Think about the logistics of ending the relationship now.. When are you going to tell him? Who will be with you when you tell him? Can you get somebody from WA to come and sit in your house with you when you tell him? Wait until you have back up sorted out before you launch into the conversation because it will be exhausting and you don't want to have to do it three or four or five times because he won't accept it. Line up your ducks, talk to WA and make sure that he HAS to accept it. Call the locksmith as well. Thank goodness it's your house.

Breaking it off with this kind of man isn't like breaking it off with a normal man!! He's a very unreasonable man and he's not going to suddenly start being reasonable now when you want to end the relationship. He will accuse you of being a cold-hearted bitch or whatever. By all means, tell him that you can't go on because his behaviour is unacceptable and the relationship is over and your decision is final. But make sure you have back up in support in place when you have this conversation. You really don't want to wear yourself out having this conversation over and over again, and getting your hair pulled and pushed around etc..

Good luck. Keep posting.

If you want to talk with him just for the purposes of sharing your feelings, don't. He is profoundly uninterested in your feelings.

If you want to communicate to him your decision to end things in this chat you're contemplating, don't, without backup from WA and someone to watch your back. He will not react well.

I don't have anyone else to have here with me, he has even driven all of my friends away lately. I can tell that the lodger hates my partner from some of the comments he has made to me about him so he will be on my side. Another problem that I have is that my partner has 'spies' everywhere, If i do something as mundane as going to the local shop the chances are that one of his friends or family will phone him to tell him where I am, they would certainly phone him if they saw a strange man coming into the house to change the locks. Think I might talk to the lodger first and tell him my plans then see if he will pop out and get new locks for me and see if he will change them. My partner is a nightmare to talk to lately, everything i say he says he only acts this way because of how i behave, I feel as though i'm hitting my head up a brick wall. Will have a chat with the lodger when he gets in from work.

thanks again guys, feels good to be getting sound advice.

PLEASE DO NOT do anything before you've spoken to WA.

You need a watertight plan to keep yourself safe.

He can be removed from YOUR house. The police can aid with that.

WA will know the legalities of everything - and how to do it safely.

and remember.... 999 if he even so much as looks at you wrongly.

I would wait and talk to WA first, before talking to your lodger even. Please tread very very carefully on this as you are in danger. Your partner is violent, has already alienated your from your support network, has spies everywhere, and though you may be sure of your lodger, you don't want to have to rely on him at the moment, as he is only a lodger.

Talk to WA before you do anything else. Get one of them to come when you have The Conversation, if you have it at all.

You need WA. Please phone them.

It's a good thing the lodger is there (but I am surprised your P hasn't yet accused you of having an affair with him.) Don't tell the lodger all your plans, just the bit about the locks if he seems willing and able to help change them. However, a simple bolt you could easily manage yourself until you get P out and get a locksmith in.

There's no need whatsoever to involve the lodger in your life more than absolutely necessary. My guess is that if your P gets the bum's rush and you are left in the house with the lodger, your P will accuse you of setting up house with him and that will be his story about why he is no longer there. You and the lodger will be cast as having an affair.

Wrt accusing you of causing all his terrible behaviour, classic abuser pattern. There really is absolutely no use trying to talk to him, and I urge you not to bother. Talk with the locks.

But talk to WA first.

I agre with mathanxiety and Jux.

Your feelings aren't something that will make him see things differently, all of a sudden. It won't happen.

The best thing to do is to make sure you have back up when you end the relationship. You don't want to have to go through this a couple of times, and you don't want to get hurt.

I was attacked walking out the door. I knew it was inevitable, but I wasn't pregnant. (although he did hit me when I was pregnant) but he floored me when he realised I was leaving. Literally, he actually floored me. It was so quick. I tried to get up and my neck hurt, my back hurt, my eye hurt, and it had all been so quick I couldn't tell you what limb of his had caused the injuries.

Sorry to scare you. But I do agree with Mathanxiety. Don't waste your time talking to him about your feelings. Just make sure you are safe and supported when you tell him it's over.

lol yes mathanxiety he has accused me of having an affair with the lodger this is why I am not allowed in the garden where he sits - he knows full well that the lodger is gay!!!!

Still waiting for arsehole harry (my secret name for him!) to go out but when he's left I will phone WA

Can you take your mobile to the loo? he might not go out for hours. He might sense that something is up. Is your lodger in? No wonder AH resents the lodger. He would no doubt treat you worse if there weren't a sane witness around.

So glad you're going to call them. xxx

how did it go??

Couldn't call them last night as he never went out (which is a first for him), he'll be going to work this afternoon though. He tried being nice yesterday but I know its all a front, anyway, i'll go along with him and play his little games until I can get him out of the house. Now really worried because baby didn't move yesterday as much as she usually does so thinking that she is picking up on my stress levels

I think he might sense something is in the air. Be very careful. Re the baby: Have some chocolate?! I've heard that can make the baby move. Not sure if it's an OWT though.

Good luck later.

You deserve so much better NETTYJC and you know it. You are bright intelligent and a nice person.
This man is nasty and an abusive partner. . .I have been through the same thing you are going through and i dont normally tell people what to do with relationships cos only you can decide, but it sounds to me like you REALLY need to get out. He will destroy you and your child emotionally if you carry on. I know its SO SO hard to escape such a partner and you cant see life on your own. But you will be better off without this Bastard. He will suck the emotional life out of you and make you feel totally useless. You will have no life with him.
Hang onto the fact that you KNOW you will be a great Mum, which tells me you really want to be as well. I hope your pregnancy goes ok and baby well.
Sadly you will still, i suspect have this man hanging on somehow in order to see his child, when / if you split. In a way it would be good if he never sees him as this man is sick and a control freak and abusive. He doesnt care for you in the right way at all.
You owe it to yourself and your baby to be happy and its not going to happen living with this sod. As Mathanxiety said he will NEVER change, , ,they never do . My Ex is still the same person. . and god knows how miserable he makes his new Woman fell at times.
Stay strong and know we mumsnetters are supporting and pulling for you. hugs xx