Advice needed for abusive relationship

[NETTEYJC]

I have been with my partner for 6 years, we have always spoken about how much we wanted a baby but It was never the right time - money issues, I was at uni etc. We started trying for a baby last year and I fell pregnant in December, I found out that I was pregnant when I was two months gone - he walked out on me, I let him back when I was 4 months and since this he has made my life a living hell, he constantly tells me how stupid I am, he will say he doesn't want our baby because he knows how much it will upset me, he shouts at me to give him money, He tells me that I will be a bad mother ( I know i'll be a bloody good mother but it still hurts {angry} ) refuses to talk to me for days on end and wont give me any reason why he is ignoring me, the other week I painted our bedroom and he laughed while he watched me moving the heavy furniture and when I had to climb up the ladders. He also never asks about how I feel or how the pregnancy is going, If I need something done he says he wont help me until I am 'nice' to him - I didn't realise that I wasn't being nice! He is being extremely emotionally abusive and I don't know why, yesterday I tried to talk to him and he stood up grabbed my face and pushed me out of the room and told me to get away from him. I think what he is trying to do is make it so that I throw him out, that way he will look better to his family and our friends when he says why we are not together and I will look like the bad one. His behaviour has become increasing more and more unreasonable, I have started not to go out because every time I leave the house he moans If I am gone more than an hour or so, we rent one of our rooms out to a really nice gay guy, my partner has told me that I am not even allowed to go into the garden because the lodger sits there! I know what I should do and that I should throw him out, I certainly don't need him, he doesn't support me financially or emotionally, I suppose that I am just feeling like I need him with me at the minute because I am 6 months pregnant. Does anyone have any much needed advice? Our relationship was fine before he found out I was pregnant.

Honestly OP I need to add my voice to this even though I rarely post on this board. Your partner sounds so much like my ex that it is scary!

Run like the wind and get him out of your life before he does what my ex did to me; biting me when I didn't get up when dd woke for example. He broke a bone in my hand that time but I went to work and took dd to CM even so, got it photographed by my boss though.

My lovely DH and I have a son who has never slept through the night in three years and not once has anything like this happened. If he had changed when I was pregnant it would have been a major warning signal.

Be a good mother and get rid of the twunt please. You are worth so much more!

Please listen to all these brilliant posters who have unfortunately been in your situation.

I really believe you will be so much better without him.

Having a baby is tiring and your baby needs supporting parenting.

You and your baby need this man out.

Milady - that is just so horrible about your ex biting you, but so lovely about your DH.

I know that you are all talking sense and I am even more determined now to get rid of him, especially reading some of the horror stories on here, it's obvious that Arsehole Harry will get worse. It is good to read about how others have been through this and come through it, thank you so much for all of your kind words. He's off to work in an hour so I will phone WA then. I am so looking forward to my baby being born, I need him gone before my little girl arrives because I don't want his nastiness spoiling what a special time it will be.

Your self-awareness is a huge asset to you right now.

It's ten to five now. Any progress getting through to WA?

You are so right to look forward to the time with your baby daughter. It will be special without him, and it would be awful with him....

Hoping things are well.

Tried Womens Aid yesterday, there was a high volume of calls (there are obviously a lot of arsehole harry's out there!) and I was asked to leave my contact details, this wasn't wise for me to do as I didn't know when my partner would be home so I just put the phone down. I have emailed them which apparently takes 3 days for them to respond so I will try and phone them again today.
Just feeling really fed up today, partner came home from work yesterday and was extremely nice to me, I'm just fed up with the games because I know that he could wake up today in a foul mood, I feel like i'm constantly walking on egg shells and my stomach is always in knots at the thought of whether he's going to be nice or nasty to me. Think I might pop up to the hospital this afternoon because very worried that baby hasn't been moving much for the past 3 days, just want to get her heartbeat tested if possible. Might make my partner realise that his actions affect our baby.

If you do go to the hospital, mention to one of the professionals there what you are going through. Health workers are trained to pick up on abuse these days...it could be the way in to the system to get some help in RL. In fact, a trip to see a midwife would be a brilliant idea.

Keep trying with WA, sometimes it takes a while to get through. Thet seem to be quieter in the week, during the day.

I suspect that he couldn't care less about the effect of his behaviour...they don't, otherwise they wouldn't do it would they?

I hope baby is ok.

Sounds like my XH. The fact you have to wait until he is out the house t call WA says it all, even more so you were worried they would call you when he was in. I don't really have anything to add to the wonderful advice above but sending you hugs.

thanks xstitch and you're so right, the advice has been brilliant on here, can't believe how kind and supportive everyone is being. Think this site is the only thing keeping me sane at the minute!!

Trust your instincts and your intellect and do what you know you must. Be independent of this man. Start being a bloody fantastic mum now, be the babys role model and focus on getting out of this situation. It won't be easy, but focus all your strength and attention on seperating your self from him. Be brave and keep your priority in mind all the time. Have a mantra I am separating to give my baby the best chance. i am a mother and this is best for my baby and me. Don't let yourself be sidetracked, keep reminding yourself why you have to do this, to protect your baby, be a great mum and to be proud of yourself. It won't be easy, but take it step by step. Most importantly remind yourself you will come through this and that you will get back to your old self. You have got yourself a degree, a job, a house,so you can succed when you set your mind to something, this will no doubt be harder to do than all that but it is the most important thing you have to do in your life right now. Use all your inner strength and focus get free of him. Life will be spirall down if you stay with him, but you can also take steps to go in the other direction and make your life better(sprial from strenght to strength instead).
First get distance from him , then you have space to sort things out( be that renting your home, selling it, changing the locks, getting him out,writing/speaking to the lodger to tell him the situation). can you stay with someone for a while or afford to stay somewhere else? If not get all the support you can, if poss someone to be around when you tell him it is over and he has to find somewhere else to live. tell the lodger and change the locks.
Get as much support for yourself as possible, you are not overreacting ( you have seen how he is), tell people who can make things easier for you, e.g womans aid, your boss(you don't have to give lots of detail just as much as you feel comfortable with e.g that you are separating from your partner) friends and family. Get as much support as you can, we all need other people, but not ones who want to hurt us.
If there is no one you can tell then use womans aid and you are already using this website so thats good.
Your insticts are telling you this is not right, you need to act asap women who get abused aren't weak they are women who loose confidence and think they have lost options, they are manipulated. Get free now while you have the strength. make it your top priority, you can do it. worry about how things will be between him and his child and you when you have got yourself in a positon of power, independent of him. then you can see about visitation and practical issues.

I meant this to be short but clearly it's not!!! in summary;
trust your instincts,be brave, use your strength and focus make it your priorty to be a great mum protecting your child and be free of him. start the process knowing you will be better off in the long term and you will be yourself again,even if it is tough as you go.
I hope you can find the courage and that you don't look back in the future and think If only....Good luck I am rooting for you. Your baby will be too.
I've had difficult times in my life and things have got better as I take small steps to improve things, it takes time, but each little positive step will move you towards being yourself again.keep in mind times in the past when things were working out for you and tell yourself you can and will get back to that. You have already taken the first step by seeking advice.
Good luck Im pregnant too, 5 months and we are becoming mums with responsibility for something who will rely on us and need our protection, our energy and love. Don't let him drain you, get free. ok enough said!!take care, I hope you can do it.

the first time OH's dad hit his mum was the night she married him. she was pregnant and he told her they had to marry. she was 16 and in love, he was the sweetest, kindest person until that night. she said his personality flipped like a light switch that very day. she made the mistake of thinking that she had to stay with him and so he is still abusing the whole family to this day.

netty, get out now. you are not stuck just because you are pregnant. do what you know is right and leave.

Booyhoo, how awful for her that she thinks she has to put up with.

Netty, I'm gutted for you that you seized the moment, rang WA and still didn't get to speak to them. I don't blame you for not leaving your details though.
Try again. I agree with TuittyFruitty, stay really focused, you and the baby, you and the baby.....

The niceness is just annoying when you see through it. It's turned on and off like a tap. And this will continue in vast extremes for the next while. Nice/Bastard/Nice/Bastard

I know what you mean Magaly, this is why my stomach is always in knots, one minute he can be nice, the next horrible, with no reason or warning at all usually something as silly as putting the washing on the line when the lodger is outside!

Still not through to WA and he'll be back soon, they have 5 different numbers for my area but only one is open on the weekend. hate to think what would happen to someone who was a lot worse off than me if they couldn't get through.

It's ridiculous isn't it?! Could it be a skeleton staff this weekend because of the bank holiday?

Still. Play 'normal' and bide your time. Does he work regular hours? Is it a BH tomorrow in the UK? (I'm in Ireland and it's a BH here tomorrow).

No, but ... domestic violence escalates during the World Cup! Probably building up already

Yes he works regular hours.

It was BH last week here

He's gone out now to visit his family so got some respite for the next few hours, think i'll just veg out on the sofa and enjoy the peace!!!

Didn't realise that Grace, why are men such beasts?!!

Any luck with WA now that he's out?

Keep trying, they really can help.

Enjoy the peace Nettey, but try again. The evening might be a better time to get through as most people's partners would be more likely to be out during the day than during the evening, so give it another few tries this evening.

I agree with that WC theory IGA. four years ago I had just brought home from the hospital my prematurely born baby so not only was he just a few weeks old but I felt like he needed extra EXTRA care, above and beyond what you'd give to a tiny baby anyway. The WC was on and the baby was crying and my x went mad. He put the baby outside the sitting room on his own (in his bouncer chair), in the draughty hall!! and slammed the door. My life had seemed to revolve around keeping this tiny baby alive and to my X it was ALL about football. I stood up to go and get the baby and he shoved me back down into my chair. To my utter shame I left the baby out in the hall crying. He stopped after a few minutes and we sat there watching football. SHUDDER

That's really sad Magaly, i can't see how these men can be so heartless where their own children are concerned. I tried to explain to my partner that if he carries on driving me into the ground then he will harm our baby or could even cause me to miscarry, he just looked at me like I was completely overreacting, I think that some men are lacking in certain emotions!

oh totally. And at the moment it will still grind you down and upset you that you can't get through to him. You will want him to see things like a reasonable person would see them. But in time you will be free from giving a shit what he makes of any of it. Sorry if that sounds really blunt. But I no longer give a toss what my x makes of why I left him. I know he considers himself the victim, but that's his gig and I don't ask him how he's feeling.

.

Hang on to what your gut instinct tell you NETTYJC . .you will look back like i do now and think. . . OMG am i glad i got out of that non functioning abusive relationship. You will find respect and happiness in the years to come. Just be VERY VERY careful who you choose to be with in the future. Get to know someone for a long time b4 you jump on in . Best Wishes. . .stay strong . you are gonna be alrite. you have an exciting time ahead with the baby coming. You will get very tired with all the sleepless nites, so look after yourself and exclude any extra stress (like him) as best you can.

I was in a situation like this some years ago. We were living in my house, he didn't work.

His bad behaviour intensified when I realised I was pregnant, ending with him totally losing it and ending up in police custody after which he was admitted to a mental health unit. I had a miscarriage.

I'd go with what Tuttifruity advises. He's horrible to you - just think how horrible he could be a poor defenceless baby. Get out of this relationship now - please.

Netteyjc, how are you? Are you OK? Please come back and let us know you're all right. How's your baby? Did you get to the hospital and have her heart checked?