Frustrated husband - bad time to stop being a wuss?

[fdh]

Background: I am the DH, we dated 4yrs, married for 9, 1 DC in nursery, another on the way, both working, equal share of home duties, amicable relationship, we've had good sex about 4 times so far this year, and 18 quickies or other relief with no real intimacy or bonding.
The problem is that for a long long time (pre marriage to be honest) I have been the frustrated high sex drive partner. It's difficult to sum up in a few lines, but many things have conspired to create this situation.
Various bouts of depression (DW), non-sleeping child, job stress or insecurity, me not being very romantic, her not being very easy to romance (won't get a babysitter, won't break the tedious routine very often).
I have a rough plan what to do about this. Basically to become more alpha and not take any more of this s**t. Make her realise she has to put in some effort and stop taking me for granted.
Anyway, that could be a thread of its own. What's holding me back is that there is a terminal illness in her family, and she's going to be giving birth in several weeks' time (she is absolutely gorgeous and I would kick myself for refusing the last few remaining pregnant soulless quickies).
So I could hold my tongue and wait for the baby and bereavement to take their natural courses before starting the new regime, or I could dive right in now.

I guess just writing this has made up my mind. If it's taken 10 years to get this far, what is a few more months. It would be selfish to put my needs above hers at this time.
However, each month that goes by will make it harder for us to rebuild the bond of intimacy which I crave. Although, reading on here, it does seem like she simply just doesn't fancy me and I might as well just give up.

PS. if it helps, when I ask here "How do we get ourselves out of this rut? How do you see it working in the future?" she replies "I just want you to be happy". I think this is a very telling response, but I'm not quite sure how to interpret it! She is always putting herself last, which is probably the root cause of all of this.

Well done for deciding not to be "Alpha" just now. What does that mean, btw? Bullying her into wanting sex?? You do know that doesn't work, don't you

Experience will tell you the first year of a baby's life is highly un-conducive to seduction and sexiness. The poor woman's going to be more exhausted than an empty Coke tin that's been lying on a desert for a year. My suggestion: make some plans now, pre-baby, to get her some sleep time, some 'me' time AND some 'us' time while Newbie's tiny. Figure out how you can do more child care & house care (and do it); find out who can babysit, how often, and give them to expect your calls; give her little gifts now and then.

When you get your 'us' time, use lubes.

"I have a rough plan what to do about this. Basically to become more alpha and not take any more of this s**t. Make her realise she has to put in some effort and stop taking me for granted."

Bully.

Sad, cowardly bully. Your poor wife.

this s**t being: "Various bouts of depression (DW), non-sleeping child, job stress or insecurity, me not being very romantic, her not being very easy to romance (won't get a babysitter, won't break the tedious routine very often)." And a terminal illness in her family and a baby on the way.

hmm trip trap surely?

Is this Dave Tesla/Steve Lada again?

you sound like a total knob sorry to say

It probably is a troll but the sad truth is, a lot of men think this way.

Are you really sorry to say that, scl?

I wouldn't be.

Wow, how lovely of you to let her give birth and lose a relative before you start bullying being "alpha". You sound a real treat.

Have to agree with MrsM.

What a way to talk about your wife and pregnant mother of your children! You sound like an arrogant arse to be entirely honest.

How is you taking this route meant to help a woman whom you already state, puts herself last? Upping your (entirely selfish) demands on her is a ridiculous conclusion for you to have come to.

I'd bet a fair amount that she doesn't feel gorgeous, that you don't make her feel gorgeous - until you want your last few shags pre-birth, that is.

You are a twat.

I'm not surprised shes not interested in sex with you.

Alpha my arse.

Bully more like.

I'd be more interested in a thread on 'how can I get paid to spout shite on mumsnet all day'?

Oh dear, how jaded we've become.

And I don't believe any geuine man would come on her and say

-my wife is due a baby in a few weeks
-someone in her family is dying

-I want to be alpha and demand sex.

So I believe you to ba a troll.

The "pregnant soulless quickies"? I hope the baby bites your knob off

And you have counted the number of times you've had "relief" this year? It will be a relief when you piss off, frankly.

I am curious about what the new alpha regime will involve.

Can you share some details?

whether this is real or not you are a total idiot,i hope this is a wind up as if there really is a wife putting up with you then she deserves better than a fuckwit who counts how many times he has had sex with her while carrying his child....

I had a whole thread inviting you to talk yesterday, but I see you were too chicken. You are deeply sad.

Hahahaha @ Portia "hoping the baby bites your knob off"

fdh why don't you start a thread asking how many women would respond favourably to your planned regime?

Go on, we could all do with a laugh.

Disenchanted I agree - he's not a genuine man, he's a 13 year old who is insufficiently supervised. But there are enough threads in relationships from mners who have Neanderthol partners like this, to lead me to believe that there will be men reading this who think 'Oooh, good idea, I'll give that a go.'

So just in case you are a man in a similar situation reading this and thinking fdh has the right idea - no. He doesn't. He has the right idea if you want a divorce and your children to hate you.

Portia - link to yesterday's thread, please?

Portia, best answer ever!

Link. I can't be arsed with him today though...

Basically to become more alpha and not take any more of this s**t. Make her realise she has to put in some effort and stop taking me for granted.

I agree. As soon as shes finshed being upset and has given birth start the new regime immediateley. She is just a woman and is here to meet your needs after all.
If your real id be divorcing you.

To be perfectly honest, you should just accept that this is how it's going to be for the forseeable future, the majority of couples find that a young family is not conducive to an active sex life, even the ones whose sex life was very active before, which yours was not, by the sound of it.

The more helpful and supportive you are with her, the less knackered and resentful she will be - doing your fair share domestically etc. is the biggest aphrodisiac to most women, forget that at your peril.

Are you a good husband and father, do you do your "bit", really?

Don't forget that you can still have the bond of intimacy without sex, she is carrying your child, does she have an aching back/feet, a nice soothing massage will probably work wonders but you must realise that she will know if you are only doing nice things for her in order to get your end away.

"I would kick myself for refusing the last few remaining pregnant soulless quickies" - that's actually a nasty and selfish perspective, why do you even want sex in those circumstances, with the knowledge that she is just giving in to you? Sex that neither of you are enjoying is hugely detrimental to your relationship.

The last thing my husband would want to do is have sex with me if he knew I wasn't really interested and vice versa.

I'd take a long, hard look at your own attitude before asking her to make an effort.

Oh FFS!
I take lots of time to give a thoughtful and considered reply and it's another fucking troll!