Frustrated husband - bad time to stop being a wuss?

[fdh]

Background: I am the DH, we dated 4yrs, married for 9, 1 DC in nursery, another on the way, both working, equal share of home duties, amicable relationship, we've had good sex about 4 times so far this year, and 18 quickies or other relief with no real intimacy or bonding.
The problem is that for a long long time (pre marriage to be honest) I have been the frustrated high sex drive partner. It's difficult to sum up in a few lines, but many things have conspired to create this situation.
Various bouts of depression (DW), non-sleeping child, job stress or insecurity, me not being very romantic, her not being very easy to romance (won't get a babysitter, won't break the tedious routine very often).
I have a rough plan what to do about this. Basically to become more alpha and not take any more of this s**t. Make her realise she has to put in some effort and stop taking me for granted.
Anyway, that could be a thread of its own. What's holding me back is that there is a terminal illness in her family, and she's going to be giving birth in several weeks' time (she is absolutely gorgeous and I would kick myself for refusing the last few remaining pregnant soulless quickies).
So I could hold my tongue and wait for the baby and bereavement to take their natural courses before starting the new regime, or I could dive right in now.

I guess just writing this has made up my mind. If it's taken 10 years to get this far, what is a few more months. It would be selfish to put my needs above hers at this time.
However, each month that goes by will make it harder for us to rebuild the bond of intimacy which I crave. Although, reading on here, it does seem like she simply just doesn't fancy me and I might as well just give up.

PS. if it helps, when I ask here "How do we get ourselves out of this rut? How do you see it working in the future?" she replies "I just want you to be happy". I think this is a very telling response, but I'm not quite sure how to interpret it! She is always putting herself last, which is probably the root cause of all of this.

He is getting sex, Squitten. But he's not going to accept quickies. They're just a charade and not really sex.

She's working FT with one kid and in the late stages of pregnancy and has a dying family member and he's thinking about how to get his dick serviced better.

You're an immature, selfish knob, fdh.

And I don't empathise with anyone who pesters a person for sex just because they happen to live with them.

You're also deluding yourself if you think you're going to have endless time to spend on shagging when you've got two young children and are both working.

Get friggin' real!

Yy, Dueling. Keeping score of how often there is intercourse, and catergorising it - soulless quickie, 'other relief', 'good sex'.

FFS.

Act your age, not your shoe size.

I can't agree that the man should be labelled as a totally bad husband just because he has issues around sex!

Yes, he should not be badgering his wife for sex at this awful stage in her life and he needs to accept that his sexual needs are low down the order right now but it doesn't make him a bad person to want a fulfilling sex life!

The kind of sex life he's describing is not one most people would find fulfilling. It suggests the act is happening but there's no emotional engagement. It's totally understandable why that's the case but he is allowed to have some feelings about that!

Perhaps some advice about how to support his wife better might do more good than just shouting at him....

Squitten you might well have a point if it were not for the following lone in teh OP

"I have a rough plan what to do about this. Basically to become more alpha and not take any more of this s**t."

As well as the thread title, Dueling.

And this, 'and definitely stop accepting the "get it over with" quickie charade.'

And this, 'Do I love my wife? Probably not more than a best friend at the moment, sad to say. I have dealt with too much rejection'

And this, 'What if I had posed the question: "Should I insist that we go to Relate now or after the baby/bereavement?".

Because it's about him having sex how he wants it. When he wants it.

Newsflash: young kid, late stage pregnancy, work, dying relative.

Did you think it was all supposed to be like the movies?

On Planet Maturia, sometimes adults have to put their 'needs' aside for a while, sometimes a long while, for other people they've chosen to marry/create/care for, etc.

Oh, yes, I'd insist on going to Relate right now, on top of everything else, so she can see what an inconsiderate, immature boy she's married to.

DH and I love having long sex sessions.

But we have three young kids.

So we don't get to do that as much.

It's a trade-off we made to have a family.

It won't last forever. The kids will grow up.

So for now, our desire to spend all day making love has to take a back seat and only happen a few times/year.

But instead of moaning about it or formulating a plan of attack, we accept that.

Swings and roundabouts. Life is a journey not a destination.

Because that's what mature adults who chose to have children do.

Agree with Grace. If a woman had written this, no one would suggest she deserved to be divorced or that she was 'bad' wife.

If a woman had written this, she'd have gotten the same schtick from many of us.

Because pestering someone for sex, saying you're not going to put up with that 'shit', that you're going to stop being a 'wuss' and go 'alpha' about it isn't on.

And it's ridiculous and immature not to realise that the sex you have with your long-term partner or spouse is going to change over time, particularly when your family is young, but that it's swings and roundabouts in life and you have to roll with the punches sometimes.

I mean, duh.

Where's the point in slagging him off? He said he's not too happy in his marriage atm, and indicated that he understands the reasons why. There are things he can do. They have been suggested. He says he's heard what was said.

He also said he's a bit of a geek, with a tendency to over-organise things. That suggests someone with Asperger tendencies, which would explain how come he didn't make the best possible use of language. Having a limited emotional lexicon isn't often grounds for divorce.

You actually counted the times? I mean I could understand if it was the kind of counting that could be done on one hand, but you've had sex 22 times this year and you've catalogued them? And still feeling hard done by? Jeez, get a grip.

My DH would be highly delighted with twenty two times in five months!

'He also said he's a bit of a geek, with a tendency to over-organise things. That suggests someone with Asperger tendencies,'

Oh, yes, that's definitely it!

Probably depressed, too, or has other mental health issues.

FGS!

[rolls eyes]

I regretted including that thought as soon as I'd pressed Send. Forget that part and stick with the imperfect use of language.

Tiggy, I used to count. It wasn't deliberate, I just remembered. Same way some people know how much cash in their purse (which I don't, irrelevant though that information is). I don't know about OP, but with me it wasn't a matter of keeping score.

This guy has the same writing style as the one who had "an awkward situation looming" yesterday - my guess is troll.

You're right, RedLeaves.

If you keep a diary it's the same thing. None of you guys have kept a record when TTC? I find my record at least stops me from jumping ship (divorce) - because, as some people have commented, it's not so bad - some couples haven't had sex for years. I just don't think I'm such a misogynistic criminal for wanting 5-10% of that first 1-2 years' passion back again.

I've been out with a close male friend tonight and he suggested we (me + DW!) both seek counselling in 2 years time. So, problem solved, or at least deferred, and in the meantime I will work on being a better husband.

Why any of you think I am a troll is completely beyond me. I've explained why I came here and not anywhere else (US-based forums are have not progressed beyond SAHM+WSD (wage slave dad) mentality).

Thanks to everyone who helped. Sorry to anyone who thinks I intruded. I probably won't post again, but remember, this is the internet and everyone can read it. For example, this thread was particularly enlightening www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/966663-Be-honest-anyone-h appily-married-but-no-longer-fancies-h usband

dittany, will do, maybe we can get together - have PMed you my number.

Oh, god, you're American. That says it all, really. Pass me the bucket! I started to guess that a while back, it's not hard.

Toc, if you happen to read this, you can see why I warned you!

Look, pal, most British women just don't get this kind of mentality, thankfully, because it's beyond stoopid.

Dinner with a 'close male friend'.

Counselling in 2 years time.

FFS! You could get hit by a bus by then.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the awkward looming guy.

I think it's not really on to liken the OP pestering his wife for sex to pestering a colleague

Why not ? Whats the differance , apart from the fact he wouldnt get away with it with a colleauge ?
Presumably his colleauge would find it offensive , are you suggesting his wife should not ?