Frustrated husband - bad time to stop being a wuss?

[fdh]

Background: I am the DH, we dated 4yrs, married for 9, 1 DC in nursery, another on the way, both working, equal share of home duties, amicable relationship, we've had good sex about 4 times so far this year, and 18 quickies or other relief with no real intimacy or bonding.
The problem is that for a long long time (pre marriage to be honest) I have been the frustrated high sex drive partner. It's difficult to sum up in a few lines, but many things have conspired to create this situation.
Various bouts of depression (DW), non-sleeping child, job stress or insecurity, me not being very romantic, her not being very easy to romance (won't get a babysitter, won't break the tedious routine very often).
I have a rough plan what to do about this. Basically to become more alpha and not take any more of this s**t. Make her realise she has to put in some effort and stop taking me for granted.
Anyway, that could be a thread of its own. What's holding me back is that there is a terminal illness in her family, and she's going to be giving birth in several weeks' time (she is absolutely gorgeous and I would kick myself for refusing the last few remaining pregnant soulless quickies).
So I could hold my tongue and wait for the baby and bereavement to take their natural courses before starting the new regime, or I could dive right in now.

I guess just writing this has made up my mind. If it's taken 10 years to get this far, what is a few more months. It would be selfish to put my needs above hers at this time.
However, each month that goes by will make it harder for us to rebuild the bond of intimacy which I crave. Although, reading on here, it does seem like she simply just doesn't fancy me and I might as well just give up.

PS. if it helps, when I ask here "How do we get ourselves out of this rut? How do you see it working in the future?" she replies "I just want you to be happy". I think this is a very telling response, but I'm not quite sure how to interpret it! She is always putting herself last, which is probably the root cause of all of this.

Steve is it?

What's his surname?

ROAR at SteveTheTroll on that thread, Portia.

Are you sure it's a troll??

Sure i have seen his name before.

If it's STT, I'm surprised as his(?) insight into how self-entitled men manage to fuck up their marriages ... Never thought s/he knew anything at all about relationships!

Aren't you a troll charmer?

off you trot..

but the troll is right!!! His wife clearly doesn't fancy him anymore! He's answered his own question

MrsMargate- I'm pretty sure I do know his surname, based on a crappy e-book he once linked to, but I suppose it wouldn't be fair to mention it here just in case there is more than one guy who is this monumentally twattish.

Dont worry about it. After youve tried being Alpha / your regime youll be able to wank off every night in a shit little flat while eating microwave meals for one . She,ll be out with some other guy who doesnt have a shit attitude.

Have you ever considered being alpha , introducing a regime with anyone else to get what you want ? Your boss perhaps, or any other men ?

OP here. Haven't read every comment yet, but let me put this straight. The "regime" (BAAAD word, should have said something like "new way of approaching the situation"). I should have gone into more detail about this: I'm going to be the opposite of a bully. I'm going to try to be more of a man, less of a moaner, stop the lame pestering for sex which has become a habit and definitely stop accepting the "get it over with" quickie charade. If that means no sex, then fine (for now). Regimes are a waste of time, and we should know because we've bilaterally tried to instigate a few.

Now, if I do that all of a sudden, I think it could be a bit too much change for my wife in her particular circumstances. I came to this forum specifically (UK based, a good number of working mums) to ask if you thought the timing was atrocious or if it was better in the long term to make the change sooner rather than later. Maybe it's all moot because I've changed to this new way of thinking already.

Now, I totally admit my comments about the "last chance pregnant quickie" were crass. No excuse there really, except that it gives you some insight into my troubled mind. You should have seen some of the things I typed but didn't post!

Now I'll try to read all your comments properly... I wasn't expecting quite so many...

It's okay, most of them of very short posts based on the suspicion that your OP was the work of a troll who's been frequenting us of late.

You did get some helpful replies, though. Good to hear you mean "alpha" as in "very good" rather than "over-entitled git"

@Malificence thank you for your considered post - it wasn't wasted at all.

I do my bit domestically, absolutely. Everything is shared except I do the hoovering and she sorts out the baby clothes (I was useless at choosing clothes for DD when she was little). I realised I wasn't taking full responsibility for one stereotypically motherly aspect of DD's upbringing and stepped up accordingly (no logical reason why not to).

Am I a good husband? Well no, not if you count the sulking, not forcing the babysitter issue, and basically having given up trying to woo her (because it would be seen as a shag attempt, whether or not it really was).

Am I a good father, yes, and I enjoy being one too. It's not a job. I love her and I love the family unit we have created, even if I am exhausted (but still horny!) half the time. Do I love my wife? Probably not more than a best friend at the moment, sad to say. I have dealt with too much rejection and I feel a lot of resentment (not always this bad - today being "post to a bunch of strangers on the internet day" is obviously a low day for me).

@everyone

What if I had posed the question: "Should I insist that we go to Relate now or after the baby/bereavement?". I guess I'd have got less stick for that!

You know what's really alpha? Earning £1.50 per word.

(sorry, facetious hijack)

I think that with a looming bereavement and also a soon-to-be-arriving, screaming newborn, your needs are going to have to shift down the priorities list until your wife is no longer physically and emotionally exhausted by post-pregnancy sleep deprivation and grief.

Your job is to be as supportive and loving as you can during what it sounds like will be a tricky time.

The fact that you have had good sex together shows there aren't any long-term issues in your sexuality as a couple. The fact that she's in a bad place right now, due to family problems and pregnancy, is probably the sole reason it's all gone pear-shaped.

I posted about putting things in place now, ready to help ease the load when the baby's born and stress levels increase. Also, I hate to say it but you need to get back in the habit of doing small, personal things - look her in the eyes when talking; the odd touch and hug for no reason, etc - without expecting sex. As you know, desire doesn't really work on a carrot-stick system. It requires trust and appreciation.

Thanks for your suggestions - I will do some forward planning, which is probably another of my weak points.

Another thing, I think some of the more hostile comments hit the nail on the head. I'm a nerd (and always have been, but I guess these things get worse with age) - I count things, I make up schemes and plan everything to perfection (except that, if it's about sex, it never happens of course). I was more carefree when I was younger I suppose, but I was never a surf dude bad boy. I think she knew what she was getting into. (She's met my dad, FFS.) But I'll try to tone it down a bit - I suspect these boring nerd-attacks are triggered by the insecurity of not having a text-book marriage, whatever that is

< the insecurity of not having a text-book marriage, whatever that is >

Oooh, yes! That formless, indeterminate ideal with which we all beat ourselves up a hundred times a day. Bugger that

fdh - do you wear socks with sandals?

that might be your problem.

Be NICE to her, for no good reason at all, don't do it all just for the chance of a shag, let her come to YOU.

Make her fall back in love with you.

Gah! MEN!

I'm going to try to be more of a man, less of a moaner, stop the lame pestering for sex which has become a habit .

Do you pester women at work for sex ? And if not why not ? Is it because you know its not ok ? Why then do you feel its ok to do this to your wife when its quite clear she doesnt like it ?

How would you feel if someone at work was hassling your wife for sex ? Youd be furious no doubt , other men cant do this to her, but i guess YOU can because your married. And these nasty quickys you refer to, something she probably does just to shut you up moaning..

Why not try treating her more like a person and lose the idea that because shes your wife your entitled to sulk at her and pester her for sex. I dont think youd dare treat anyone else like that, or do you ? Do you sulk at your boss , or is this shit reserved just for her ?

You say youve not been the best husband, that youve hassled her for sex and sulked at her, and now you dont love her any more than a freind and resent her. Why then are you whinging about a lack of sex , would you want to have sex with someone who behaved like that ?

I suggest you stop bleating about your wife and start looking at your own attitudes and beleifs about marriage / women. It sounds like youve been a complete arsehole. Ive just divorced someone who thought it ok to sulk at me and harass me for sex constantly . And i think your playing down the sulking as well .

If you think any of these behaviours are ok test them out on a man, or another mans wife. If you wouldnt do any of that to other people then you shouldnt be doing it to your wife, you dont get special rights to be a prick just because your married.

I'm going to risk a flaming here and come to the defence of the OP after the two previous posts (by dignified and dittany).

I think it's not really on to liken the OP pestering his wife for sex to pestering a colleague. Presumably the OP would not attempt to 'woo' a female colleague in any way (buying flowers, paying nice compliments, being physically affectionate etc) but that doesn't mean he shouldn't do those things with his wife.

Men and women get married and they expect (usually) that they will be able to have sex with their spouse. So whilst pestering and sulking are unpleasant and almost definitely not going to get a positive response, I think it's a bit off to liken it to sexual harassment in the workplace.

The standards of behaviour are completely different. To basically label the guy a sex pest is not fair...

Unless you are indeed Steve the troll, in which case, I retract everything I have just written!

In what possible way has this man become so terrible? How is he confusing his wife with a sex toy???

The poor man wants to have sex with his wife. He's not getting it, for a variety of completely valid reasons, and he wants to do something about it. Why is that so unreasonable...?

A lack of intimacy can have big consequences for relationships and it's an important part of a marriage. The poor man is frustrated and doesn't know how to deal with it. He may not be expressing himself in the best way but cut him some slack FFS!

Oh dear me, I can always tell the posts written in this section by men. It's not just the use of DW rather than DH, it's the way that men who post here mostly talk about 'me' and what 'I' want/need. But the woment talk about 'us' and 'we'. Men talk about sex and women about relationships!

Anyway, in my experience DH is always more attractive (and thus gets more frequent sex) when I feel he appreciates me, when he is kind and considerate of my feelings, and is generally thoughtful, oh and when I am getting enough sleep.

In the OP, fdh complains that sex of late has been 'soulless' by which he appears to mean precisely that it's sex without intimacy.

If a woman were to write this OP - heaven knows, enough do - we wouldn't be accusing her of confusing sex with intimacy, nor of harrassing her H. We'd be empathising with her sense of disengagement.

wow, you keep a score of how often you have sex?