Frustrated husband - bad time to stop being a wuss?

[fdh]

Background: I am the DH, we dated 4yrs, married for 9, 1 DC in nursery, another on the way, both working, equal share of home duties, amicable relationship, we've had good sex about 4 times so far this year, and 18 quickies or other relief with no real intimacy or bonding.
The problem is that for a long long time (pre marriage to be honest) I have been the frustrated high sex drive partner. It's difficult to sum up in a few lines, but many things have conspired to create this situation.
Various bouts of depression (DW), non-sleeping child, job stress or insecurity, me not being very romantic, her not being very easy to romance (won't get a babysitter, won't break the tedious routine very often).
I have a rough plan what to do about this. Basically to become more alpha and not take any more of this s**t. Make her realise she has to put in some effort and stop taking me for granted.
Anyway, that could be a thread of its own. What's holding me back is that there is a terminal illness in her family, and she's going to be giving birth in several weeks' time (she is absolutely gorgeous and I would kick myself for refusing the last few remaining pregnant soulless quickies).
So I could hold my tongue and wait for the baby and bereavement to take their natural courses before starting the new regime, or I could dive right in now.

I guess just writing this has made up my mind. If it's taken 10 years to get this far, what is a few more months. It would be selfish to put my needs above hers at this time.
However, each month that goes by will make it harder for us to rebuild the bond of intimacy which I crave. Although, reading on here, it does seem like she simply just doesn't fancy me and I might as well just give up.

PS. if it helps, when I ask here "How do we get ourselves out of this rut? How do you see it working in the future?" she replies "I just want you to be happy". I think this is a very telling response, but I'm not quite sure how to interpret it! She is always putting herself last, which is probably the root cause of all of this.

I think it's a bit off to liken it to sexual harassment in the workplace.
The standards of behaviour are completely different.

Yes they are, and why is that ?. Married men have special privelidges to sulk at their wives and pester them for sex and its ok !! Ive been in the ops wife position. I dont tolerate men harassing me for sex or anyone sulking at me . Why should i , or anyone else be expected to tolerate this from a partner whos meant to love us and respect us ?

Shouldnt we expect MORE from a partner, not less ? I have a real problem with the idea that the minuite were in a relationship with someone the rules change and we start accepting behaviour that they wouldnt dare start with anyone else.

This guy has openly stated that he sulks at his wife ( manipulates her in other words ) and pesters her for sex. How anyone thinks thats ok is beyond me. I keep saying it, but replace the op wife with a female freind and everyone of you would say hes out of order.

But its his wife hes doing this to, and as his wife shes less worthy of respect than other women.

Yep, and its an idea that well supported too. Personally im going to teach my daughters that if they wouldnt put up with a certain behaviour from a freind then they shouldnt put up with it from a partner.

OK, taking FDH on face value....(because, even if he is not for real here, having had married men try it on via net dating, what he's saying is very very familiar to me)

I would ask you...what is it that not getting as much sex as you would like really means to you? For instance, is there something around rejection? Is there something around being reminded of the days when as a young nerd you felt the young jocks were getting what you never had? How reasonable is your view that your marriage is sexless given that many marriages go a long long time without sex when small children and pregnancies are around?....[please continue to ask self more questions]

Also, physical discomfort...you don't like the feeling of sexual frustration..again, what does it mean to you? Can you live with it? Do you have fears around what it will drive you to do?

So basically I'm saying, instead of spending your time problem solving around how to get more sex, try spending some time problem solving about what sex really represents in your life. You're hardly living the life of a monk.

As for counting the no of times sex etc. has happened this year. Sadly I can believe this is true too. I had a boyfriend when much younger who suddenly said one day, when things were going off the boil, we have had sex x amount of times in the past 3 months. What an eye opener that was to me that some people could put that sort of importance on frequency.

Oh...and would I want sex post birth with all the other shite going on in my life that your wife appears to have? Unlikely, but if I felt very loved, then perhaps I would.

If you keep a diary it's the same thing. None of you guys have kept a record when TTC? I find my record at least stops me from jumping ship (divorce)

So the only reason you dont divorce her is because your getting SOME sex ? Does she have any value to you apart from whats in between her legs ? I wonder if she would have sex with you at all if she knew you felt like that.

I think you should get divorced actually, your wife should be with some who values her as a person instead of treating her like peiece of meat, and you should have the discomfort of trying to find a woman whos happy to be valued only by the amount of sex she,ll have with you. Good luck with that.

Wish I wasn't reigniting this thread but have to say thanks to Eurostar - you could be right - needing to catch up with the action that the jocks got, but perhaps even more with the action that my wife got! It's certainly not a daily worry of mine though - having a family is more than enough compensation, I'm not as immature as MNers make out.

As for the frustration, I'm not worried about raping or hitting my wife, or going astray.

What sex means for me is acceptance, intimacy and fun, for the rest, there is always the solo approach. I tend to think the fun aspect might be able to compensate for the less thrilling stay-at-home lifestyle we have with kids, but of course my wife doesn't feel like a sexual woman if stuck at work/home and smothered with DD half the time.

I don't think things are half as bad as when I first posted. Today my wife has been harassing me (pinching my bum in the kitchen etc), and I haven't laid down the new alpha regime law or had any big chats about this. I feel so demeaned and objectified

I can't be bothered to defend myself against all the attacks - I just blame the medium (how much can I accurately portray in a few paragraphs, while under emotional strain?). Probably divorce lawyers drumming up business

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/975834-to-think-that-my-DP-wont-have-sex-with-me?pg=2

Slight difference in the responses on that thread.

I particulaly like

By KerryMumbles Tue 01-Jun-10 20:00:29
"if she's gagging for it and some women do go a bit mental for it whilst pregnant what is she supposed to do?

she has needs.

if he loves her he would at least ATTEMPT to do something to satisfy her.

it's rather shite tbh".

'Wish I wasn't reigniting this thread'

Then why do it?

Oh, dittany, I won't bore you with what the typical American male finds 'fun'.

Suffice it to say, I usually found it unfunny and so am not married to one.