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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse??

99 replies

Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:24

well i dont know where to start its just loads of little things that are really starting to get to me.
First is i never get any help around the house it always "my job"
I have a bank account that is just in my name but his wages goes into aswell as the cb and ctc and wtc, but i never get the have the card and never see any money i have to ask for things for example i need a new pair of trainers and i have to ask for them, i will only get £20 at a time if that.
Also i am never aloud to go out in the evenings with my friends "not that i have any anymore"
I have to ask to go out clubbin to see them a and then its always a we'll see or a no, u cant be trusted.
Its other things aswell but i cant remeber them all at the mo.
Please help, i dont know what to do, i dont feel i can leave him and i dont think i want to cus, most of the time he is a lolvey bloke .
Sorry about the grammer and spelling im typing fast as my SIL is on her way round and for obvious reasons i want to finsih typing this before she arrives.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 03/06/2010 13:28

Yes....ditch him.He is controlling you

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/06/2010 13:30

the fact that you say you're not allowed to go out tells me everything

and you have to ask for money

what would happen if you went out anyway?

what would happen if you asked for the bank card?

you don't have children, right? seriously, leave before you do. this will get much much much worse if you stay and have children with him

he's not lovely. lovely blokes don't make you beg to have access to your own money to buy shoes.

wastingaway · 03/06/2010 13:31

Absolutely it's abuse.

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/06/2010 13:31

You could contact your bank and get another cash card...

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/06/2010 13:33

Sorry, and meant to say, tell him you're doing so. No reason for you not to have access to money.

Think he is controlling you and treating you like a child.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:36

tortoise i dont know i have never done it i dont want to cause arguments.

I have asked for the bank card and i cant even remeber what he said, i just no i never got it.

Yes we do have a DS hes 4.8.

belle i could do that but then he'd just take that one aswell and i would be right back too where i started.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 03/06/2010 13:36

You are both young and I am guessing a little inexperienced in what a "healthy" partnership is. SOmeone poined out on your other thread that it seemed as though you both had slipped into traditional type roles.
The first thing I would do is order my own bank card and talk lots and lots to your partner. I know people would disagree with me but I also suggest you get a job too.

secunda · 03/06/2010 13:38

Yes it is abuse

Look at this, especially 'What are the signs of domestic abuse?'. You don't have to have all of them for it to be 'abuse'.

He's not a lovely bloke.

It's only going to get worse.

Please leave him before you have kids, or else it will be 10,000 times worse and more complicated

scurryfunge · 03/06/2010 13:38

here

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 13:39

Hai, please read this post.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:39

rainbow as i have said before on prevous thread, how can i get a job?? who will look after ds??

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 03/06/2010 13:39

x post secunda

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/06/2010 13:40

Óh, damn, I hoped the reference to going out clubbing with friends meant you didn't have children yet.

He's abusive and horrible and awful, OP. You can't possibly think it's alright that you have to ask for permission to spend your own money. Was that normal when you were growing up? Did your Dad run everything?

scurryfunge · 03/06/2010 13:40

DS must be starting school soon, you should be able to fit something around school hours.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:41

oh and yes, me and DH got together when i was 16 and he was 17, DS came along a year later and we got married 20months ago.

All this stuff has just been getting worse or has been the same i dont know i have just never reliesed before.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 03/06/2010 13:43

If the bank account is under your name I would take control of it ASAP, because in the event he decides he has had enough he can leave you in huge financial trouble and suffer no repercussions as you are the only one named on the bank account. Do you understand what I'm saying?

ex did this to me, we had a joint account, and at the end I found he had remortgaged our house, and taken all the money plus all the overdraft and left the bank account in huge debt!

I had to fight tooth and nail not to have my house reposessed, and for ex to be held accountable for it, and even then this only happened because he was named on the bank account. In yuor case you are fully repsonsible for your bank account as you are the only named account holder, and you have knowingly handed over your personal card to your partner without informing the bank or having his name put on the account.

As for everything else, yes he is controlling, yes he is abusing you, normal relationships do not entail one partner begging for money from the other.

DameGladys · 03/06/2010 13:44

"We'll see"

What does he think you are, a 5 year-old?

The bank account is in your name. Phone them up and get them to send you a card.

As for all the rest, listen to the other posters - it's controlling and abusive.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:44

Yes i am going to try and get something that runs in school hours, when he starts school.

And yes about the clubbing thing, well i thought as OH goes out to the pub with his mates sometimes, and as i am 21 as is all my friends going clubbin is what they do so i just want a night out with the girls maybe once every 3 months or somthing. But no i cant have that can i !!

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 03/06/2010 13:44

Hai, if you feel you cannot resolve the issues by communicating with him you really should be looking at ways to get out of this situation.

If you feel that you have to stay for financial reasons and aren't prepared to look at alternatives then (being blunt) you either have to accept the situation or fight it and keep fighting it.

I'm not sure what kind of answer you're looking for here.

Yes it's abuse. It's controlling behaviour. If, however, you have a gambling, alcohol or drug habit your DP may have reasons to keep you short of cash...

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 13:45

you have no control in your own life.

you have to ask permission to see friends, spend money etc.

you are being controlled and i would be very surprised if this doesn't get worse if you dont leave.

abusers use control (separating victim from friends and family, taking away finiancial independence) to keep the victim silent and fearful.

you say "how can i get a job, who will look after ds"

there are so many options out there if you want to work. you have been made to believe there are no options for you and thsi is how he likes it. you are being abused.

BertieBotts · 03/06/2010 13:45

You could get a childminder to look after DS. If you are on a low income you can get help with the childcare costs. Or perhaps a part time job from September, when he starts school?

Your DP might be "lovely" most of the time but this is what abusive men are like - they can't be horrible all the time or it would drive you away. It makes you confused and question yourself. But what the other ladies have said is true - he's not a nice person if he is controlling you like this. He says he can't trust you - is he very paranoid/insecure? Do you know that this is not your fault, and you can't "fix" him? He is never going to change.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:46

DAME as i have said above, if i get a new card he will only take that one!

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 03/06/2010 13:47

Having just read how young you are, I think you should get out of this asap. This is not a situation that's likely to improve with time...

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:47

fuzzy I did not "give" him the card

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 03/06/2010 13:48

What reasons does he give you for his behaviour?

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