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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this abuse??

99 replies

Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:24

well i dont know where to start its just loads of little things that are really starting to get to me.
First is i never get any help around the house it always "my job"
I have a bank account that is just in my name but his wages goes into aswell as the cb and ctc and wtc, but i never get the have the card and never see any money i have to ask for things for example i need a new pair of trainers and i have to ask for them, i will only get £20 at a time if that.
Also i am never aloud to go out in the evenings with my friends "not that i have any anymore"
I have to ask to go out clubbin to see them a and then its always a we'll see or a no, u cant be trusted.
Its other things aswell but i cant remeber them all at the mo.
Please help, i dont know what to do, i dont feel i can leave him and i dont think i want to cus, most of the time he is a lolvey bloke .
Sorry about the grammer and spelling im typing fast as my SIL is on her way round and for obvious reasons i want to finsih typing this before she arrives.

OP posts:

comtessa · 13/07/2010 15:05

You need to leave him and claim jobseekers allowance, and housing benefit, and then also anything else you're entitled to. This will help you manage while looking for a job (sorry - not sure how old your DC are).

There will always be a "reason" or excuse not to leave. But please, do you really want your children growing up thinking that this is normal relationship practise? It's not just you this affects.

swallowedAfly · 13/07/2010 18:25

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malinkey · 13/07/2010 18:39

That's what I thought too - don't suppose he has taken over her MN account?

swallowedAfly · 13/07/2010 18:42

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swallowedAfly · 13/07/2010 18:56

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warthog · 13/07/2010 19:00

that last post was not hai1988 imo

swallowedAfly · 13/07/2010 19:03

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louisewilliams · 13/07/2010 19:07

Go and get councelling.... you need emotional support right now with a professional. You could even contact your local women's centre for this.

RhubarbFool · 13/07/2010 19:19

Have just read this thread and agree - that wasn't hai writing that last post.

Original poster

Hai1988 · 13/07/2010 21:14

Hiya just to reassure you it is me, i dont know how to prove it it but i can assure you it is.

When i wrote that post i was having a bit of a down period, but everything is fine now. He has not been horrible or voilent in any way for months and months now and i really do belive he is diffrent.

I know u are all gonna say that men like this cant change and that i need to get out, but i am happy now and i would really love to keep chatting to all of you as one of the reasons i was down is that i was all alone ( getting used to dh working 13 hour days) and i have lost contact with rl friends, but recently i have started meeting up with an old friend and its been great but im afriad as she has started a new job i wont be seeing much of her ne more.

OP posts:

dizietsma · 14/07/2010 01:02

You are at point #4.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2010 01:12

Have you told him that if he ever, ever hits you again, or calls you names, or leaves you without money/food, you will report him to the police for domestic violence and have him removed from the house?

chantal32 · 14/07/2010 01:19

It's not always that easy just to "cancel the card" or get a new one or talk to him about it. There are consequences for doing those things in a controlling relationship.It's easier to keep the peace. The threat might not be specified, but it's there. You need to empower yourself and make a plan. Find a suitable job, online course and speak to a professional. I understand what you're saying, but you still have a chance to leave.

Original poster

Hai1988 · 14/07/2010 12:39

no but i did say that if any thing happended again that i would leave and never come bk.

OP posts:

hora · 14/07/2010 12:52

Original poster- this is definitely abuse. He seems highly-insecure and worried about you realising this.

Original poster

Hai1988 · 14/07/2010 12:58

huh?! I was just putting up with this for years but then i just snapped and said i aint putting up with it anymore u must change or im gone!

It has honestly changed

OP posts:

dizietsma · 14/07/2010 14:59

Yeah, and it will honestly be changed- for a little while. Then tensions will build, there'll be yet another incident of abuse, then there'll be reconcilliation where he's ever so sorry and will never do it again but it's all your fault really, then he'll really be changed again, then tensions will build again...

It's called the cycle of abuse and I challenge you to carefully watch his behaviour over the next few months. You will see this cycle happen, probably several times over. If you don't please feel free to post here and prove me wrong. It would be wonderful to be wrong about something like this, but this story is as old as the hills and plays out the same every time

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2010 09:54

Dizietsma is right - he will be nice as pie for a while, and then something will happen. He will make an unreasonable demand of you, or there will be some minor accident (I dunno, dinner gets burnt or something like that), at which point he will display some anger. If you tell him to get over himself or remind him, however politely, that he is neither your boss nor your owner, he will get extremely, frighteningly aggressive - just until you start to cry. Then he will nicely tell you that it's all your fault and you need to be more tolerant and not so oversensitive. And so it will continue. Abusive men always back down after the first ultimatum, then they bide their time for a little before doing something abusive. IF the woman doesn't immediately throw them out and press charges, they settle back contentedly into the abuse pattern, because they can.
The idea is to reinstall the programming - he doesn't need to make the effort to be violent so often, he just needs to remind you that he is in charge. He will not change, because he doesn't think you are a person.

lowenergylightbulb · 15/07/2010 10:18

There won't be a magic turn around, I doubt that you'll get to the bank this weekend to open those accounts and I can't see you being 'allowed' to go clubbing any time soon.

I'm sorry, but I would be willing to bet that you will be posting again in a few weeks/months time that things are difficult again.

Original poster

Hai1988 · 15/07/2010 16:08

I really hope that i can come on in a few weeks/months/years and prove that you are wrong.

Dont get me wrong i am very great full for all you advice and kind words but me and my family are doing just great

OP posts:

Original poster

Hai1988 · 06/08/2010 18:41

hiya just thought i'd check back in and tell you all that we have filled out the form to get a joint account and will be taking into the bank 2moro.
Things are still good

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 06/08/2010 19:45

Hai I am glad that things are still good, and have my fingers crossed for you.

But please keep the advice of all the wise ladies in the back of your mind, and remember to come back when if things do change again. It's been less than a month since you posted last. A lot of the advice given to you is from women who have been in exactly your position, and have experienced the cycle of abuse. I agree that a sole account for you - NOT a joint account that he has access to - would be a good idea.

Original poster

Hai1988 · 10/08/2010 13:28

thanks flisspaps. Loving the name btw

OP posts:

hairymelons · 10/08/2010 13:47

Just read the thread. I'm glad things are better for you now, Hai.

We all have ups and downs but if you find yourself wondering about whether his behaviour is abusive again, do come back or talk to someone in RL.

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