Is this abuse??

[Hai1988]

well i dont know where to start its just loads of little things that are really starting to get to me.
First is i never get any help around the house it always "my job"
I have a bank account that is just in my name but his wages goes into aswell as the cb and ctc and wtc, but i never get the have the card and never see any money i have to ask for things for example i need a new pair of trainers and i have to ask for them, i will only get £20 at a time if that.
Also i am never aloud to go out in the evenings with my friends "not that i have any anymore"
I have to ask to go out clubbin to see them a and then its always a we'll see or a no, u cant be trusted.
Its other things aswell but i cant remeber them all at the mo.
Please help, i dont know what to do, i dont feel i can leave him and i dont think i want to cus, most of the time he is a lolvey bloke .
Sorry about the grammer and spelling im typing fast as my SIL is on her way round and for obvious reasons i want to finsih typing this before she arrives.

It depends if he calls you names when he's cross. If he doesn't use you name, but always calls you "Thicko" or "Bint" or something, that's bad.

How about, if we don't call it abuse but being a bully. Does he bully you a bit, in your mind?

My cousin waited 12 years before she left her DP who was just like yours, only she had three children.

Get out now.

Open a savings account and put in what you need, give it a name like 'scottish power' on your reference and do it over the internet and then leave. You will be better off amotionally and financially without him. Staying will make it harder to leave later, when he's chipped away at everything about you and begun being a shit to your son also.

emotionally/

how come your DS is not at school yet if 4.8?

Is he at pre school or nursery or anything? if you are going out to do the pre school /nursery run, you could maybe use the time to access womens aid or CAB?

ignore my last question, i am rubbish at maths

and yes, it is abuse.

im really not sure, im a bit confused really. i dont evan no y i posted about this. really shouldnt of opened this can of worms

Hes at nursary at the mo, he is started reception in sept. He is a sept baby

would you hvae an opportunity whilst doing the nursery
run to make a call/ go to CAB / get some advice?

Now you know you need to do something about it.

Hai, one step at a time, do you have a family member you can talk to? someone that you trust?

Hai, setting up the online banking without your permission is fraud. There are bank accounts available especially for people with poor credit ratings like his. I can see why you are reluctant to deal with the bank when his wages are going into it and this is what is supporting you and your child. However, please think carefully about what your situation is teaching your son about adult relationships.

I have a friend whose father did this to her. The longer it went on, the harder it was to unravel the financial issues. (Especially when she found out he intended to use her money to pay for her wedding to a man she hadn't met yet nor had she been consulted about.)

It is good that it's opened a can of worms!

you need to stop thinking that you have to stay with a man who doesn't care about you, is using you to satisfy his own ego and is stealing from you (yes, using your bank accoutn when you don't want him to is stealing - it might not be your money he's taking, but he's taking your bank account. it's still theft)

please go to your family.
please leave him

they won't blame you, they will respect you and the strength you have.
and your DS will respect you for loving him enough to leave your nasty, controlling husband.

First off. He has stolen your bank card. Cancel it. Do it now.

Set up another account, without him knowing, maybe with another bank or the same bank but dont let him know, Ring CB and change the details of the bank details they have to the new account. That way you will have some money going in during the month, so you can get DS what he needs. Also i would do the same with the Child Tax Credits. Leave the Working Tax as it'l probably be in his name is it?? With him working and you been at home?

Change them details after setting up the account. Your DH cant say anything because them payments are in your name!

My Ex did this to me when i 18, i wasnt allowed to see my friends, he didnt even like any of my friends - they were all 'knobheads' when he'd never met them

People like that think they can control everything and everyone and are as nice as pie in front of everyone else. They are thugs, they try to manipulate you and put you down all the time.

Yopu are best out of that situation now

Let us know how you get on.

"im really not sure, im a bit confused really. i dont evan no y i posted about this. really shouldnt of opened this can of worms"

This can of worms needed to be opened, your mind was telling you that there is much amiss within your marriage. This cannot be saved at all, your only option here now is to leave him. Otherwise you wil be controlled for the rest of your days.

Cancel your bank card as well, he is sucking you dry financially.

This is indeed abuse and all the signs of controlling behaviours are there. Abuse can be mental and financial as well as physical and you've been subjected to those three types.

A controlling relationship is no relationship for your child to see either because they learn from it. It is not a legacy you want to be leaving him.

Womens Aid are helpful as would you family members (you need support to get out). Also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Please get the hell out of this dysfunctional relationship before you are completely destroyed by him. He regards you and your child as mere possessions; this is not love at all. I doubt if he actually knows the meaning of the word.

Abuse is about power and control - he wants that over you completely. Do not give it to him.

Abusers as well are very plausible to those in the outside world. He likely learnt such behaviours from his own parents. You met him when you were very young - and easily controllable because you had no life experience at that time to spot the insidious red flags.

You were very young and naive and that has cost you dearly. You can escape him if you truly want to.

Don't go, Hai. We are just concerned about you. A lot of us have been in similar situations and have come out of it. Even if it seems impossible it can be done. When I left my ex I had no access to money either - we had a joint account and everything went into that but he had the card so I couldn't access it. He used to leave no food in the house and instead of giving me money to go to the shop he used to leave me hungry at home until he got home from work, then he'd order a takeaway using his own bank account and make me feel guilty for spending "his" money. What's worse is this was when I was pregnant, I needed to eat for the baby! Luckily DS was fine, but I lost loads of weight, by the time I left, I weighed just over 6 stone.

Please ring Women's Aid, even if just for a chat, the number is 0808 2000 247, it won't show up on your phone bill. Don't feel it isn't serious enough or that they will laugh at you or think badly of you - they will care and they will listen, and they'll only give you advice if you ask for it.

I know it's scary to think about leaving, but this is because he has made you totally dependent on him. Come on, how many evenings do you sit there with your stomach churning worrying about what you have done wrong this time? Do you not want something better for you and your son? There are so many wonderful blokes out there who really and truly will love you for YOU, and let you be that person, not try to keep you so close they crush you. You deserve so much better. You deserve that night out once every 3 months! You are young, don't let these years pass you by. I have only been on my own for 6 months, but my life is so much better now. The house is calm and my little boy is so much happier. He still loves his Daddy and still gets to see him, even though he told me he wouldn't see DS if I left, and in fact they spend much more quality time together now than they did when we were together, because even at weekends etc I was always "in charge" of DS.

You can do it - don't worry about the money etc. It will sort. There are people and organisations out there who will help you if you'll only reach out and ask for that help. You have posted here which is great, just keep posting, or ring women's aid, or both. It's all going to be okay

Hai - yes it is abuse. It is not right what is happening to you.

Look at what BertieBotts has said - she is young like you and has been through this sort of thing and come out the other side.

If you report your card lost you should then be able to request that the replacement is sent to a branch of your bank and not you home address - then only you can pick up the card.

Have a look at basic bank accounts the main thing is not to set up one with any financial institution with which he has debts as they can set off money against debts.

However - speak to womens aid first - in order to discuss your safety.

Hai, about this comment: "he doesnt steal "my" money i dont have any the money is his wages and child b and ctc and stuff"

You are a SAHM - that is a valid and worthwhile occupation - it entitles you to CB, CTC and a portion of your husband's wages. If you split he'll be paying maintenance and your benefits would increase. It is insane for you to have no £ for yourself. You seem to be apologising for being a SAHM/not having a job. Don't apologise love - you are bringing up your DS .

Have a look at boosting your self esteem. Do you have friends/interests/tell us a bit about your DS.

I had a look at some of your other posts - you had a PG scare the other day - please don't bring another baby into this relationship - you need to concentrate on you and your DS.

You know things aren't right - that's why you've posted for advice.

Take some time to process all this advice and keep us updated and good luck!

Hai, Please listen to the ladies on here. If i had had them to listen to 11 1/2 yrs ago my life would be a lot easier with you.

I was in an abusive relatoionship where i was beaten, physically, verbally and mentally. I was restricted on what money i was allowed - £1.30 a day when I was pregnant with DS1. I was restricted on the food and amount i could eat, I was not allowed to go out, he would corner me in a room etc all the things and more that you have mentioned.

Then something inside me snapped, I was drastically under weight, and depressed...it took one phone call to the police to have my ex removed. as simple as that and yet I had put up with the crap for 4 years.

The result is I have a very messed up little boy of 11 who has behavioural issues due to what he saw and he was only 22m old but I promise you it has a lasting effect.

It has taken a lot for me to find the answers to the issues I am experiencing now and yet my ex has been gone for 10 yrs.

PLEASE GET OUT BEFORE THINGS GET WORSE.

Hai1988 - How are you doing?

Have you had a chance to read the posts and digest them?

Have you called women's aid?

Hai1988 -I've been looking out for you and just seen your thread in AIBU.

YANBU - you are being abused.

Have you called Women's Aid?

Hai1988 only just seen this thread - please please do follow the advice that you have been given here.

You are so young to spend your life like this, being controlled and abused - because unfortunately that is what it is.

It is no reflection on you - it is a reflection on your husband

Hai, you have to get out of this relationship NOW, or you will disintegrate into a shell of a woman. It will take guts, and courage, but you CAN do it. ALL women are stronger than men. Do you have a lovely friend or family you could move in with, at least until you sort yourself out?

Hai - can you update us on how you're doing?

Have you contacted Women's Aid for some advice?

hi everyone thank you so much for all your great advice.

Things are much better now dh has a full time job now and is far less stressed (money woes really got on top of us)

We have had a chat and he understands that he wrong and was being an ass

We are going into town at the weekend to open a joint account so that we can both have a card and we will be putting money in or savings every month for a holiday or somthing nice

TBH i think it was all getting on top of both of us and things are much better now.

Hai1988 - you need to have an account of YOUR OWN to which he has no access.

You need to make sure that the child benefit and any child tax credits are being paid into this account.

Your partner being "stressed" due to money woes was NO EXCUSE for denying you access to money/leaving you stranded with DS with no food/calling you names/hitting and punching you/not sharing the housework/deciding when and where you can go.

I can see that you are in denial at the moment - but you need to get yourself into a stronger position so that you have some options.

What sort of a model of relationships is this for your DS?

Do you have any close family/friends who you can get real life support from?

I really do recommend you call Women's Aid just so you are aware of your options.

You are going through a CYCLE - where he is nice/abusive/nice again. .

Hopefully some of the more eloquent posters will be along soon with more advice.

You sound such a nice young Mum (not meant patronisingly at all). I saw your lovely thread about your DS's nursery report - you've been helping his to learn all those things. Why are you putting up with this love - is it all you've ever known. .