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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse??

99 replies

Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:24

well i dont know where to start its just loads of little things that are really starting to get to me.
First is i never get any help around the house it always "my job"
I have a bank account that is just in my name but his wages goes into aswell as the cb and ctc and wtc, but i never get the have the card and never see any money i have to ask for things for example i need a new pair of trainers and i have to ask for them, i will only get £20 at a time if that.
Also i am never aloud to go out in the evenings with my friends "not that i have any anymore"
I have to ask to go out clubbin to see them a and then its always a we'll see or a no, u cant be trusted.
Its other things aswell but i cant remeber them all at the mo.
Please help, i dont know what to do, i dont feel i can leave him and i dont think i want to cus, most of the time he is a lolvey bloke .
Sorry about the grammer and spelling im typing fast as my SIL is on her way round and for obvious reasons i want to finsih typing this before she arrives.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 03/06/2010 13:49

But Hai, you've not informed the bank that you are no longer in posession of your card, the bank will hold you liable in the event there is any sort of financial mis-conduct on your account, aren't you even a little bit afraid about the consequences should your partner withdraw all the money or go badly into debt?

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:49

bertie How can i get a childminder, i have just said that dont have any access to cash

OP posts:
SlightlyScatty · 03/06/2010 13:50

Don't TELL him about the card if he's that bad!

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/06/2010 13:52

Hai, does he hit you?

slug · 03/06/2010 13:55

Report the card as stolen. He won't be able to use it then. Frankly, it is stolen. It's your property and he won't give it back to you. Ask for the replacement card to be held at the bank for collection. They will only give it to the named holder i.e. you.

If you don't want to go that far, does your bank do internet banking? This will allow you to at least see what he is doing with your money. You can then always set up another account (of which he knows nothing) and siphon money off from your original account so you have something to spend while you make up your mind to (hopefully) get the hell out of that abusive relationship.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:55

slighty How can i not tell him?? All his wages goes into that account.
He cant get a bank account of his own cus he is already in debt and have alrady had accounts that have been closed with all the other banks.
fuzzy How can i be afriad of somthing that has already happend ( we are already in debt and i dont have any of the money ne way so wats the diffrece if he emptys the account ne way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 13:58

slug He has already set up a online banking thing (i dont know the password)

tortoise depends on what u mean by hitting me

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/06/2010 14:01

I mean, does he physically hurt you? Does he hold you down, threaten you physically, slap/punch/kick you, block you in so you can't leave a room or a corner if he wants to "talk" to you, a hundred other things.

But your answer already means that the answer is yes.

nickelbabe · 03/06/2010 14:02

Hai - you must tell your bank that he has your card and that you don't want him to use it.
they can have it cancelled.

you also don't need a card to control the bank acocunt. you can carry out transactions in the bank, including withdrawing money.

you might be wise to change your address on your bank account to one where items will be safe (eg a friend of family member) - the nyou can get a new card, bank statements cheque books etc without him knowing.
if you cancel the card that he has taken from you, there's NOTHING in law that he can do - it's your account and you have not given him permission to have your card.
that's theft, by the way.

nickelbabe · 03/06/2010 14:03

oh, and you can cancel the online banking too - tell your branch that you did not authorise it.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 14:05

Well he has done in the past punched me in the arms or legs and
he is always blockin me in a room or such when he wants to talk during an aruement in which i always juts want ot left alone but he never listens. I never thought of this as abuse i just thought he wanted to talk :/

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 03/06/2010 14:05

actually, x-post with you - cancel your bank account

you have let him get you into debt, therefore ruining your own credit rating.

get out of this relationship - cancel your bank account and open a new one, get your DS and LEAVE. NOW

nickelbabe · 03/06/2010 14:06

GET OUT NOW

sorry to shout but bloody leave!

fuzzywuzzy · 03/06/2010 14:06

Hai, do you have any real life friends or family to go to?

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 14:07

But the thing is he is such a nice person in front of other ppl friends/his parents/my parents.
I just think they will think i am being stupid and want me to go back. (spesh mil)

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 03/06/2010 14:09

call womens aid for advice, this is abuse physical and mental.

And I second cancelling your bank account inform them your ex took it over and you had no idea what he was doing, otherwise they will chase you for the overdraft!

fuzzywuzzy · 03/06/2010 14:11

yeah well, ex was lovely in fornt of other people too, I could care less what other people thoguht, yours and your childs safety and wellbeing is paramount

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 14:11

there is no overdraft on this account, there was but i took it of and said i didnt want another one. So the account is not going to cause more debt.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/06/2010 14:16

Hai, this is awful. You're only 21 and stuck with someone who won't let you go out, won't let you have any money, punches you and blocks you.

You were only 16, how could you know? But you can't let your son grow up seeing his mother reduced to a dependent punching bag.

Please. You have your whole life.

who cares what your MIL thinks. You have to think about you and your son and what will help you.

I have to go to bed now (different country) but I'm going to be checking back on this thread because I'm worried about you.

celticfairy101 · 03/06/2010 14:22

You owe your MIL nothing. He can go back to her. I would phone your family and I bet you they will say that they've never liked him. I have a friend who left an abusive relationship (she too wondered if the horrible things her husband was doing to her was abuse and believe me my mouth fell to the floor when I heard what she had to say) and she wondered what her parents and sibling would think. They all rallied round her, it came as a surprise, and said they just knew he was a controlling sod. She's doing really well.

You do need to leave, as your ds will see his dad's behaviour as an acceptable way to treat women and life with him won't change. You will loose self esteem, confidence and the longer you stay the harder it will be to go. Please don't fill your life with regrets. You are only 21 and have all your life ahead of you. If you were my daughter I'd do everything I could to help you.

Please leave him and seek all the help you need now. Good luck. You can do this.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 14:22

He hasnt punched me for ages now tho, when he was unemplyed and always at home was when it was so it was probley the stress of that.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 14:22

Hai, how would you feel about a FRIEND who was nice to you in front of other people, but stole your money, trapped you and punched you?

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 14:26

I dont know, but he doesnt steal "my" money i dont have any the money is his wages and child b and ctc and stuff and my DS never goes without before you ask.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 14:30

Well, if you're married everything you own belongs to you both equally. By law. As the primary carer, the child benefit should be under your control. It's not actually normal to have to ask for the money to buy everyday things.

Also, he's using a card in your name so he's breaking the law.

Trapping somone so you can rant at them is abuse. So is punching, even if it only happens once a year.

Does he call you names?

Original poster
Hai1988 · 03/06/2010 14:33

erm.. i dont know, im not sure. give me some exaples, he jokes around sometimes

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