Signs your long-term relationship is petering out

[Tesla]

If your partner of 8 years lives many miles away and when he comes to visit stays a week or so, but ignores you most of the time, does not wish to go out anywhere with you and now claims he can't sleep in the same bed with you because he's become allergic to the perfume you're wearing -when you don't wear any - and also responds to the question, "Are we still a couple or not?" with either, "I refuse to answer that/ I don't want you to know", also does not phone you, takes days to respond to text messages and then only brief/succinct, emails only in response and then never,ever, ever signs off with any sentiments such as miss you, love you, etc. Never sends birthday, Valentine, Christmas cards or presents, claims to be too busy to stay at Christmas, and can't afford to drive down to see you because he's skint, or when he does visit, it might be very irregular such as for a week, then nothing for 6 months, then another few days, then nothing for a couple of months, and you never know when he'll next visit nor will he commit to any kind of regular visits,...

does it means he's just not that into you anymore, his love long since faded, and you're just hanging on out of stupidity? Should you just bear the heartbreak and dump him and find a new man who actually wants to be with you, love you and cherish you?
especially if there's young kdis involved?

I've tried every measure going to keep communication alive in this long-distance relationship and pine for him when he's not here but can hardly bear the anxiety anymore of never knowing when he'll next visit. I'm utterly in love and always have been, so how can I get him to communicate with me and reassure me he still loves and wants me, depite the distance.

I've asked for an occassional "Hang in there, I know you miss me, I'll see you soon" but he refuses to give me even that tiny morsel of reassurance

I'm slowly becoming heartbroken, I feel like the most important relationship in my life is slipping into history.

This is the first time I've posted on here, why is it on this thread everyone either seems to think Im someone else, I'm joking about the whole thing, my situation's far too odd to even possibly be true, Im suicidal, I want to harm my children or Ive been bashing my boyfriend about? Ive just come back to find people now suggesting my boyfriend's violent - sorry to disappoint you, but he isn't. Is this thread so boring people have to keep putting in their twopennies worth of nonsense and fibs to try and bump it up or keep it vibrant or something?

There are people going through far worse or bizarre situations than me in their everyday life, but obviously mumsnet is the place for very insular-minded women with no real experience of the world, given how disbelieving some of you are.

I've been looking up the Aspergers thing and I only recongise two 'symptoms' of it, the rest is quite clearly not like me at all, so it can hardly be a correct diagnosis if only a part of it applies.

I came here to ask whether people thought my parnter still loved me based on the circumstances I described and having now had a cuppa and read through the whole thread I can see the majority opinion is no, he doesn't! Of course, my rational side knew this all along anyway, but sometimes you require a view from the outside to really hit home the facts.

This man does occassionally offer me affection and genuine assistance in other areas which is why I hold on for hope, not because I'mblind to the truth, but because he does lead me to believe I'm still wanted by him, but essentially he has a selfish nature in the truest sense. He behaved very similarly with his previous girlfriend.

Why people are shrugging their shoulders in defeat surprises me, with their constant references to my 'not accepting their advice for god's sake'. Nowhere have I challenged people's advice. It's all being assimilated. If you had my patience, you might also see that problems should be worked out, not given up on. Sometimes, leaving someone is not always the best option, first you should establish whether their behaviour is accountable and can be cured. Thisman has hi s own problems which I have to work around, I wont walk away from someone regardless of how they treat me, if how they treat me is a result of their own mental health issues, because that's the issue that needs to be addressed, else I'm passing on his legacy to the next woman, aren't I?

People have asked for my next move and I think that relationship counselling might be useful if it can allow mediation and the opportunity for him to open up, as he does not open up communicatively to me.

Thankyou meanwhile for all your views and I really am signing off this time, it's a well-deserved wine'o clock time now the children are in bed (oh ok, Baileys o'clock)and I'll get one of my sisters round to read through this thread and see what she thinks.

Tesla this man DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

He is almost definately not being 'faithful' to you. He more than likely is seeing other women/woman.

If he was any sort of man he'd make more of an effort to see his children (did I come over all JK then?).

Please open your mind and realise that THE RELATIONSHIP (if there ever was one)IS OVER.

That said I can see what Eleanor means.

Good luck with getting him to counselling if you can't get him to see your kids at Christmas.

Tesla, I was right with you all the way through your last post until you said " I think that relationship counselling might be useful" and then it just got disturbing again. Nothing you've told us indicates you're in a relationship with this man or that he considers himself to be in one with you.

This man has never loved you and never will. Time to call it a day (although it seems he did years ago). Everyone is just a tad confused how you cannot see what is staring you in the face.

'Thisman has hi s own problems which I have to work around, I wont walk away from someone regardless of how they treat me, if how they treat me is a result of their own mental health issues, because that's the issue that needs to be addressed, else I'm passing on his legacy to the next woman, aren't I?'

No, you're not. He isn't your problem and you can't cure him.

I'm really sorry but I don't think you have a snowflake's chance in hell of getting him to counselling.

Hope you can work your way out of this situation somehow and find a happier place to be. I hope your sister can help you, too, because I don't feel I am much use.

Bye

How are you going to get him to agree to therapy if you do not even have his phone number?

Good question.

Really, Lady? My memory is going...why on earth did you get it in the neck?

But why? We love Lady!

But why do you want to fix him, or hold on for him, or even understand him fgs?? His issues wouldn't be your responsibility, even if you were in a normal relationship.

If you're certain you don't have Asperger's then it looks as if you have some other disorder, I'm afraid. I'm not getting at you. It simply is abnormal to believe you're in a loving relationship with a person who is an occasional visitor, does not have a romantic or sexual connection with you and shows minimal interest in you as a person.

As this is making you both unhappy and angry, I hope your sister will be able to help you to see this for what it is - a pointless waste of your good efforts. In your sister's opinion, would it be helpful for you to get any kind of counselling?

Good luck for this evening. Pour me a Bailey's, will you

Eleanor? What happened to Desolate in the end? Did she leave? Bless her.

This IS strange though. I must admit, have NO idea how to spot anybody doing any trolling. (Is that the right verb?) But DO remember the Calpol thread and was really freaked/confused.

Not following why people do it TBH.

Tesla, if it's all real, GTF out of the 'relationship'.

Wasn't the Calpol thread OP's DH a dentist though?

Oh I remember that one, Eleanor

Exactly the same voice, I agree.

I remember that!

I am really confused now though. Is it the same person again?

(thick person emoticon)

The calpol one is bloody creepy.

The reason this reminded me of Desolate was the way in which they only really answer the questions from those fairly sympathetic and also even when someones asked the same question 100 times they just ignore it.

If mm is not tesla is not Desolate then there are a lot of troubled people out there

oh, are you Electra, Tesla? [lightbulb]
In which case, you know you do have a disorder, BPD iirc, which distorts your emotional perceptions. Which EXPLAINS it ALL, thank goodness!!

Okay, snarf the Baileys tonight and get back on your meds tomorrow, you hear me? Say "Yes, Doctor Grace"

Then discuss this thread with your family, chuck out any stuff you're still hoarding for that user who's using you, delete him from your phone & email and change your locks.

"Yes, Doctor Grace"!