me and alcohol have ruined my family

[jesuswhatnext]

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

JWN, you are doing amazingly well!

It sounds like your daughter really wants to rebuild your relationship but she is possibly, at the moment, feeling scared that if you relapse it will be even more painful for her. You are PROVING to her that you can be the mother that she wants and needs by not drinking, but for her own 'self-preservation' (for want of a better word)she will probably be holding back slightly for fear of being hurt further.

My FIL was a chronic alcoholic when my DH was in his teens and stopped and started drinking for many years. DH feels like he missed out on doing things with his dad because he felt that, to his father, drink was more important than him. DH used to think he could 'save' his dad and was bitterly disappointed, and felt guilty, when he realised that he couldn't.

When I met DH his dad was drinking again, but could still 'function', but within 6 months had gone from just drinking in the evenings to vodka for breakfast and it was pretty clear that the drink was killing him. We managed to get him sectioned under the mental health act and from there he was lucky enough to get a place in a specialist rehab centre which follows the AA 12 step programme. We were very cynical about whether, at the age of 56 following years of drinking, he could complete the programme (although not to his face, but again think this was 'self-preservation' on DH's part), but he took each day at a time and worked through the programme and came out of rehab sober- and a much nicer person!

He met a woman there who is a lot younger than him, but who was also a serious alcoholic, and we were concerned that they would go back to drinking together- we thought it was a recipe for disaster!

However, 6 years on they are still sober and are having a fantastic time together doing 'normal' things like decorating their lovely flat, walking their dog, going on holiday etc and we could not feel more proud of them both. They have both been on a long journey and admit that they are still taking it a day at a time, but for the past few years DH has had a proper relationship with his dad and our DD is able to know her grandad properly.

Contrast this story with that of my uncle who died 2 years ago yesterday, from septicemia caused by his own waste getting into the sores on his legs as he couldn't walk because of the toll drink had taken on his body. His 'friendly' local shop keeper brought him drink, and charged his Visa card, until the day before he died.

I guess what I'm trying to say is:

a) It's never to late to stop no matter how long a person has been drinking for

b) Each day without a drink is a big achievment

c) Your daughter (and your DH) will be proud of you again and you have taken the first step to being in control again and regaining their trust and respect.

d) You have a journey ahead of you and some days will be easier than others, BUT YOU CAN DO IT!!!

I am filled with respect and admiration for you, you are awesome!!!

hi, just checking in - ROOMONTHEBROOM - thank you for your post, it was very thought provoking, i agree that both dd and dh have every right to be sceptical right now, self preservation is a very natural emotion and i dont blame them one bit for 'holding back'.

it is so nice to read such lovely, positive comments, i too feel like i am regaining my sense of humour, nearly lost it just now when i found pigeon shit on the the washing

i did not make it to meeting today, however, i have felt very positive, have not had a drink and am feeling very kind of light and healthy - have done some baking so the house smells of warm vanilla, mmmmm lovely

dh has told me again how nice i look

anyway, i am out on business all day tommorow, from very early in the morning, luckily i am seeing a 'dry' client (means they are not allowed to drink while at work)
so that is a BIG help, we can just go for coffee at lunch time this is a HUGE turnaround for me, a few days ago i would have been mightily pissed off at having to do this meeting!

i will be taking my numbers in case i need them (mainly for the train home)

so, am off to bed now, i feel quite tired again - btw, the spotty skin has cleared up, i actually look quite fresh and soft skined, it is a real boost

thanks again you lovely people, i have a feeling that you actually dont realise the enormous help you are being - you make me feel very humble, i'm amazed at the kindness i have found in the last few days, not just here but at AA aswell, as they say, it restores ones faith in the human race

see you tomorrow evening.

MY INTENTION IS NOT TO DRINK!

ps - i shall whisper this, dh says i no longer snore like a walrus

I've just read your whole thread. Without sounding trite, well done. It took years for my MIL to give up drinking and reach out to AA. Nearly destroyed my DH. She has now been in AA for 4 years and a different person.

Keep going, my DH has rebuilt his relationship with his mother. He'd had a shambolic upbringing due to her drinking.

Will be cheering you on.

Right, jwn, you are now officially A Better Woman Than Me (I'm sure you were anyway, but still ...)

I offered myself a secret little challenge at the beginning of your thread. I wasn't drinking at the time - and decided if you could do it, then I would! I even found an accessible AA meeting. And, tonight, I have a bottle of wine on the go. So I'm a weak-willed hypocrite and you're not. Have another (regretful, but freely offered) pat on the back from me
One more day ... xx

"So I'm a weak-willed hypocrite and you're not."

You're no hypocrite, Grace. By the sound of it, you're someone with a drink problem.

As for willpower - let's talk about willpower. My willpower was what enabled me to keep drinking. On the days when I woke up broke, depressed and feeling like shit, when the lightweights wer reaching for their orange juice and aspirin and saying "never again" (God, how I despised them, they were like children) I drank again and it was my willpower that gave me the strength to do that, to overcome the horror of it all and do what life had apparently cut me out for. I had a vocation and pain was not going to deter me.

Willpower plays no part in my not drinking. I do not need it because I have accepted that I am an alcoholic and that not drinking is what is right for me. Give it a chance and your willpower will kill you. This is not a metaphor.

I hope you can get to the same place too.

Thank you So do I.

But Grace, you don't have the incentive that JWN has. She has a DH and DD she cares about and wants to be the best she can be for them. The potential awful loss of their regard and the immediate rewards of their happiness are there to spur her on. When you do it, you have to do it for yourself, and you're still in a bit of a low self-esteem place by the sound of it, so you're not quiet sure you're worth it. Hopefully this will come. You really are so worth it, you know.

quite*

As my old pseudo-sponsor used to share, "the tears of my children never stopped me drinking."

Do it for YOU, Grace. Be selfish in a good cause.

I don't know if you believe in fate (most alcoholics seem to) but, if you were meant to die a drunk, don't you think you'd have managed it by now?

I have just read this thread from begining to end, and have found myself crying (just the silent rolling tears) from the strength, love, positivitey, hope and down-right fabulousness of you JWN.
You are truely an inspriation - keep going your DD and DH are going to be so proud, just you wait and see.

MIFLAW - you are great, so lovely that you have been through this and spend so much time wanting to help others, you are a fantastic person.

Grace - Today doesn't have to be the end of the trying surely??? If at first you don't succeed?.....

This thread is amazing

JWN - continued well done from me! Choosing pretty dresses with my Mum are some of my best times - it's lovely that you're making memories and you can be sure of actually remembering them now!
xxx

ohhh, you are all making me cry now!, i have never been called an inspriation before now - today has been bloody fantastic, i have attended meetings, travelled, eaten out and done a bit of shopping - bought a beeeuuutiful necklace and earrings on portobello road - i calculated how much i hadn't spent on booze during the last 10 days and treated myself with that money! AND I DID NOT DRINK - NOT EVEN ON THE TRAIN!!!!! i also found a lovely vintage pearl choker for dd to wear to her prom, am soooo pleased with myself.

on the way home i bought a scrummy cupcake, all done up in a ribboned box, got a cup of tea and a paper and enjoyed putting my feet up (i'm very lucky, i am able to travel first class, dosen't make the bloody train any quicker, but at least you can rant about it in comfort!)

dd is really pleased with me, thats twice now that i have been into london in the last week and come home sober, in my industry that can be quite difficult.

tomorrow, i intend to go to AA at lunch time, then do a couple of hours in the office before dh and i go to friends for dinner - i will be driving us home so i can not be tempted to drink - now, i do have one dilemma, the friends we are dining with are psycoanalyists (sp?), so, do i tell them that i'm an alcoholic or not? it is a long standing friendship and its always possible that they have guessed anyway, however, once i confirm it, will it change the dynamic of our friendship? - this is one i shall think off over the next few hours .

anyway - grace, please don't think that i have some kind of miracle cure or total iron will - i surely aint! i may fall off this wagon yet, who knows? - i just know that i have begun to regain my life, my family and my self respect, i'm pretty sure that i will have some bloody hard times ahead, so, like miflaw says - just a day at a time - thats all anyone with this sickness can do.

well, im off to make sure that the family have eaten, and then have a soak in the bath.

What lovely messages I feel all warm and fluffy!

JWN, your friends are likely to guess (or assume you're pregnant!) If sobriety changes the dynamic between you, it might not have been the healthiest kind of friendship ... Most people don't bother about it, honestly. And it makes you a cheaper guest

grace, you fluffy little person you , what i mean is, will they try and kind of 'analise' me?, they are good friends and kind people, they also are very 'light-weight' drinkers, one sniff of the barmaids apron and they are all over the place will they see me as a more flawed person than they realised iyswim?

btw, to be pregnant at my age would be akin to the second coming, so that little question would'nt arise!

My word lady, you are indeed an inspiration! Admire you hugely, you are doing so well.

If these friends you are going to dinner with are good friends I doubt very much they will try to analyse you. As you say, they are kind people and you are their friend - not a client.

All the very best to you. I don't even know you but feel proud of you!

Hi Jesus

Following your progress with many positive vibes from afar. Congratulations on what you've achieved this week

I'm sorry if it's embarrassing but I actually think your friends will already know you are an alcoholic. Most people who are alcohol dependent think they are very good at hiding it but actually there are so many tell-tale signs that close friends will almost always know and be very worried for you. (They will count the empty bottles at the end of the night!)Your friends will probably be delighted if you tell them you aren't drinking and they probably wont ask too many questions.

Enjoy your night with them and take a bottle of posh non-alcoholic juice or elderflower cordial so you can avoid the 'oh we haven't got anything except orange squash' situation.

JWN

You will probably find that you are one of the last people to find out that you are an alcoholic ...

as far as whether to tell or not, I would say that it's a good idea to tell if:

1. you feel happy to do so
2. it won't freak them out (one to watch with old drinking buddies, for example)
3. you can see the conversation getting back on to normal stuff within 5 minutes, or else people can wrongly think that you talk of little else

But it's your anonymity. Never feel you can't break it (except in press, radio or film, etc) - but never feel you have to either. Nothing wrong with "being on antibiotics" if it makes your life easier.

slambang - i think you might be right given that the last time i saw them i was taken home from a party by 10'o'clock as i was trying to 'help' the lead singer of the band by harmonising to 'my way'

i will take my own juice. my friends are lovely but have odd taste, i have never enjoyed dandelion tea! yuck!

i have decided that there is no point being embrassed by being an alcholic, everyone who knows/loves me will have proberbly guessed anyway, and i have a feeling that secrecy won't help the situation - i truly believe that surrounding myself and the people i love with the truth is the best course of action for me, my real friends will come up trumps, they arent stupid people and would never give a glass of water to a drowning man

anyway, its been a hell of a long day, and i have loads to do tomorrow,, so i will say goodnight, sleep well, everyone!

and thanks once again, you are all so kind!

thanks miflaw, x-posted, - there are some people i wont tell, simply because i know them well enough to know that all they would do is judge in a very unhelpful way - the ones that matter to me are the ones that i know will be there, supporting me and dd/dh in any way they can. i will just judge when is the best time for them to be told, not just wade in and perhaps spoil others peoples events/celebrations etc.

i'm trying to think about what a guy was sharing about earlier this week, about the selfishness of the alcoholic, it is not always my turn to be the one with issues/problems etc.

okay, have watched this - have been drinking again (of course) you have done so well; you are an inspiration but it is so bloody hard

sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread - will bow out gracefully.

jwn i am sorry come into this so late - you seem like a really strong person and you should be so proud.

Want2

Stay around!

You CAN beat this.

good morning

want2, you haven't hijacked at all, like miflaw says, stay around!

just one thing, i'm not strong! - i'v just had enough, life was becoming a chore and was miserable - when i was drunk i thought it was making me happy, but it wasn't, it was destroying everything i hold dear, my family, my home, my job, my health - even the few days i have been sober have made a huge differance to all of those things and the longer it goes on the better it feels - i guess what i'm trying to say is just take it one day at a time, ok, so you had a drink yesterday, that is now past, now try and look to today - for two pins yesterday i could have had 'just one glass of wine', no-one was with me to give me a stern look or tell me it was the wrong thing to do, i just tried to remember how it felt when my dd looked at me such such disgust, that is what makes me 'strong'

anyway, today i'm off to AA at lunch time, i have missed the last couple of days and i now feel a kind of need to go, i don't think i want a drink, i just find that the meetings help me to focus on the job!

dd has her prom this evening, dh is driving her and her date, then we are off out for dinner - i'm driving us home - it will be no bad thing to be sober this evening as it would seem i will have a house full of teenagers staying to night

MY INTENTION TODAY IS NOT TO DRINK

see you later!

Have a wonderful dat JWN - you are doing so well. Enjoy this evening and I hope you're dd has a wonderful time.

Loving you spending your alcohol money on treats for yourself!
Where did you get that cupcake in a box with a ribbon? Sounds bliss and in my pregnant state I think it's a treat I deserve!!!

xxx