me and alcohol have ruined my family

[jesuswhatnext]

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

You are amazing JWN, absolutely amazing. You are an inspiration to all of us who have 'issues' in our lives and are hiding our heads in the sand. You are actually tackling yours and being so brave and strong.

Good woman

Antoher Lurker cheering you on...

Whatever issues your drinking is linked to you are giving your DH and DD a very precious gift, because you are proving that they are worth the fight to get through this and holding on to.

I wish you all the very very best in your path and a bright future together xx

just dropped in to see how the OP was doing (well done! ) and read that fantastic advice form MIFLAW about there being no pleasure to give up. It is exactly the same with giving up smoking; you think you need it, you think you enjoy it but in fact you do neither. Its only after you have gotten out of it that you can see that there was no real pleasure in it and it didn't make the things you had to deal with any less difficult.

I hope you can hold onto that thought if you falter OP

thanks everyone, just having a ten minute juice break, kitchen looking good, have had a nice day with dh decorating, am absolutly knackered again , its a good kind of knackered though, i have acheived something with my day. gawd, that kitchen was a grot hole we usually have a guy in to do painting and stuff so i even feel i have saved some money

am going to start cooking soon as dh wants to watch dr who on 3 , i think it starts at 8, so by then i want to sit down and relax.

this time last week i was totally pissed and getting nasty , this feels so much better.

JWN - Been following this thread all week and just want to echo what everyone else has said - you are amazing and doing so well. I bet this time last week you never thought you'd feel as good as you do right now!

Keep on keeping on.

tbh - this time last week i wasn't thinking at all , least of about the damage i was doing to my family

so, onwards and upwards,

tomorrow i plan on going into the office in the morning, going to AA at lunch time and hopefully, if the lady gets back to me, i will being doing a yoga session in the evening.

(then crawling up the stairs and flopping into bed

btw - my lovely sil called, i told her everything, we actually had a bit of a laugh, she is well known for saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time, so she has decided to go away, look up a few drink related cliches and get back to me (god, i'm lucky to have such a lovely family

So JWN, does this mean that you have almost completed your first week of sobriety?

Blooming heck, that went fast didn't it!

another well earned WELL DONE from me here!

well, yes, it is a week since i had a drink, i have just re-read this thread from the beginning, oh god, i cant describe how dreadful i felt

one thing that struck me though was that i had made it all sound kind of simple to stop and that is really not the case - this week has been one of the hardest of my life, i have seen my dd look at me with pure hatred in her eyes, i have seen my dh in tears over my disgusting behaviour and have nearly lost them both

i so want to be the person i know i really am, not the one that booze turned me into.

this evening i have read a few other threads from ops who are going through what i have put my family through, oh, i'm so sorry, i never meant to cause such harm, hurt, pain and anger.

anyway, i'm off to bed in a mo, feel quite sort of 'contented' iyswim, kind of comfy and safe - something i dont feel when i drink because of the chaos i cause.

will be going to AA tomorrow

have not drunk today

thank you all so much for the practical as well as the emotional advice

never thought i would have a 'cheer squad'

see you tomorrow

You DO have a cheer squad! Good for you. I can imagine that reading the thread again was difficult but it's important to keep in mind where you were and where you now are. Every day is another great step.

You are doing really well, and I for one am honoured to be following you on your journey.

How was the moussaka btw?

Night!

WOOOHOOOO!!! Well done!!! Am very impressed with you.

Don't know if anyone has warned you but week 3 wil be the hardest. Week three is ALWAYS the hardest when you are trying to break a cycle - be it dieting, exercise or alcohol withdrawal.

This is because in the first 2 weeks you are buoyed up by your own motivation and success, and the memories of how it used to be a far from your mind.

Week 4 will be the breaking point in terms of, if you can get through week three, and week 4, then you are well on your way to changing your life habits.

But week three sees many, many people fall by the wayside. So get all of your coping strategies firmly in place this week, practice them, imagine them and act them out in your head. If you are feeling strong enough try not to re-read emptional diaries, save them for next week when you might need them more.

Hope this doesnt sound doom and gloom, I wanted to warn you in advance of what might happen whilst you still have the coping mechanisms to be able to put counter-acts into place.

But most of all, good luck!!

op well done on conquering the dreaded booze, keep up the good work, many congratulations.Good luck for the future.

good morning - am at work right now so must be quick, thanks bees, i had guessed that the first month would be difficult, i'm just doing one day at a time at the moment, not looking to far ahead.

the moussaka was really quite good, though i say so myself , which is just as well as i made so much of it we have it again tonight! oops!

anyway, must go now, am going to AA at lunch time, be back later

Well done on your first weekend. I am sure there are going to be many many more.

I was hoping for you all weekend!
xxx

just back from meeting, a lady shared so much it made me cry, so much was relevant to me

i am going to yoga this evening, looking forward to it

dd is at home - domesticity reigns the bloody cat has bought a baby rat in and let the damn thing go, it is now careering around the lounge, dh has set a trap - dd won't go into the room, so i suggested she tidy her bedroom (every cloud has a silver lining!)

my db called earlier - he was lovely

feeling very positive

my intention is not to drink today

be back later

Since our cat brought a live bird in and I rescued it, he's made sure that anything he brings in is thoroughly dead now! Just wish he wouldn't eat them on the carpet.

If anyone asks you for a drink after yoga, either make it coffee or say you have to get straight home...

well, this evening is a bit of a mixed bag, i have been to yoga and really enjoyed it and looking forward to next weeks session, dh has gone to al-anon, is there right now, however dd is still so angry with me - she has just told me not to touch her as i make her sick

i know she needs time and i have to prove myself, i just would like a hug , i miss her so much, i just want her to understand how very much i love her! do you ever think she will forgive me?

i suppose all i can do is keep trying.

so, i'v had good cry, am now off to get something to eat be back later.

oh no could you not write her a note, slip it onto her pillow telling her this? nothing too heavy, or too tied up with emotion, just a simple, "i love you, i realise what i've done wrong and i am working harder than you will ever believe to ensure it does not happen again - if you want to talk me or dad are here" kind of note?

it might not help her talk to you, or hug you But it will help her understand how much this (and she) means to you. Remember teenagers are all about themselves, they can't help it (I can remember being one only too well) It's all about the feelings THEY have, the shame THEY feel and they find it hard to empathise. So tap into her feelings, explain why you are sory and you should be part way there.

Good luck

My dp's ex wife has lost her two children (18 and 23), she is soon to loose family home, she has lost her brothers and sisters, her self respect over alcholism, she is far from realising or doing anything about it. U have made a great step. It is never too late. Well done ...

Your DD will probably forgive you, yes, if she sees you trying hard to help yourself. TBH feeling angry with you and showing it is a healthy thing for her to do at the moment, even if it feels awful for you. A sober week is a HUGE achievement for you and I have been reading this thread with amazement and awe, but looking at it from your DD's point of view it is just a week and if she has been seriously hurt then it is going to take a lot longer for her to trust you again and move on.

Has anyone suggested al-anon and counselling for your DD?

My mum was an alcoholic since I was about 9 years old, she finally drank herself to death when I was 27.

I can't tell you how much I grieve for those lost years, seeing all my friends go shopping with their mums on Saturdays, being able to have mates round without worrying whether their drunk mum was going to embarrass them, I missed out on so much. Our house was a minefield of arguments, emotional abuse and mind fuckery. Her alcoholism was so insidious that by the time we (me, my dad and siblings) realised what was going on we were totally within its clutches ourselves, alcoholism had become our normality and we continued to normalise it (probably as a coping mechanism) ultimately to our detriment.

What's good about your situation is that your DH has made it clear he will not take any more and it's clear you will end up in the gutter with no one if you continue the way you are. At least you are having the clarity to realise this now and although you might feel horrific now, this is really a gift so grab it with both hands.

My mum was so far gone there was never any realistic chance of her pulling herself out of the addiction. You have a fighting chance and I cannot tell you how much it would mean to your family if you got straight. You would be changing their lives and futures as well as your own. I wouldn't have put up with all the shitty, abusive relationships I had for so long if I hadn't had to live with an alcoholic while I was growing up.

The choice is really simple, stop drinking or lose everything.

thanks for the replys, good advice all of it!

yes i know it is only a week, it just feels like a lifetime to me and i suppose i just want everything too quickly. dh has gone to al-anon on his own this evening, his plan was to try and work out if it would be of real help to either of them and if so, involve dd next week (if it is anything like AA i should think he will sign up for life )

dd has gone out with friends this evening so hopefully she will have a bit of a laugh and chill out a bit. i also know that it is pretty selfish of me to expect her to be happy that shes got me for mum right now

anyway, on a positive note, the bloody cat finally killed the rat - i love love loved yoga and

I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK TODAY [GRIN]

right now i'm sipping a long, chilled slimline tonic with lime, so nice it doe not need the gin!

My mother too was an alcholic, she drank untill I was 15, am now 39. She is almost 70, our relationship is good. Dont think you understand the true damage it causes untill you get older and/or start a family yourself. It is not the alcholism, there is other stuff.

Your daughter will come back, but she may need some time and to do some growing up first. Give her lots of space, concentrate on yourself ... Best of luck ....

dh is back, says it was a helpful meeting although the people who spoke were talking from a different experience ie, violence, job loss, drink driving type of stuff -

he has had a chat with dd earlier and she told him how she felt, he feels that i simply must give her time, that she does love me but is not mature enough to be able to articulate what she feels about the whole situation and is just very scared - i WILL show her that i mean this and that she is the single most important person (apart from dh) to me in the world.

i have resolved not to push too hard, she has a levels coming up, for which she has worked bloody hard and i want her to get the grades she deserves (this is going to be fucking difficult, as of course, she is still a teenager and has the capacity to be bloody rude to me simply because i am her mother and plainly know nothing!

thanks for todays comments - fantastic as always, i'm off to bed now

AM SOBER AND LIKING IT

xxx