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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

me and alcohol have ruined my family

999 replies

jesuswhatnext · 31/05/2010 12:32

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

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jesuswhatnext · 28/06/2010 23:13

am just back from dinner, had a lovely walk to nice restaurant - i have had

seared scallops with pancetta

sirloin steak, rare!! mmmmmm

ice cream

homemade petit fours, even more mmmmmmmmmmmm

am full up, tired, happy, and SOBER

its so bloody hot i don't want to go to bed yet but my eyes are drooping, so,

goodnight everyone.

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MIFLAW · 29/06/2010 00:32

No, I mainly found out from a 60yo American newcomer I met in my early days. He used to tell the story of how his old boss thought he was drinking at work and gargling Listerine to hide the smell.

In fact, he was just drinking the Listerine ...

MoominMags · 29/06/2010 09:33

Morning all, JWN your meal last night sounds delicious! It's making me hungry now... How long until lunch??!
MIFLAW the story about the Listerine made me laugh! God, the insanity of it all...
I am doing OK and getting to plenty of meetings - as advised by the people that know best.
Have a good day everyone!

jesuswhatnext · 29/06/2010 10:39

good morning, a bit on the drag today, if it could go wrong it has! the kettle has broken and the iron blew up , so a trip to comet or somewhere equally boring is now called for.

i am working all day today but will sneak out for meeting at lunchtime - i haven't been since last thursday and feel a need to go today. i don't want a drink, i just need to get that 'grounded' feeling i get at AA.

you sound a bit brighter today moomin

see you later

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MoominMags · 29/06/2010 10:53

Hi JWN, yes feeling a bit better - funny that! What a pain re your kettle & iron. Grr.
Get yourself to a meeting you will defo feel better for it. I am off to another tonight, went to a good one last night too!
Go us!

galaxydunkedincoffee · 29/06/2010 12:11

JWN - have spent the last hour reading through this thread and it is truly inspiring. You have done fantastically well and the support on this thread really is MN at its best

Have namechanged for this and sorry for the hijack, but does anyone with experience know of any websites etc about 'defining' an alcoholic (for want of a better word)? Dh drinks every day, often it is just a couple of glasses of red wine or a couple of beers, very occasionally it is a lot more (enough to pass out on the sofa). He doesn't get violent or angry when drunk but it is starting to worry me that it seems like he can't go for a day without a drink. I have spoken to him about it, saying that I think he is drinking too much and that maybe he should look at his drinking habits but he doesn't really say anything / respond (basically just ignores what I have said). I'm just confused because of course he has a right to have a drink and maybe I am being too controlling? paranoid? to ask him to think about cutting down on the alcohol but I just wish that alcohol could just be something to be enjoyed now and then and not in excess.

Again, sorry for hijacking your thread JWN, but there is so much good advice and support on this thread from people with experience and this is something that has been weighing more and more on my mind. I just don't know where to start.

differentnameforthis · 29/06/2010 12:44

Well Done for getting to 4 weeks!

MIFLAW · 29/06/2010 12:45

Galaxy

Obviously there is the AA website but it has two problems in my view.

First, a lot of people perceive them as "over-diagnosing." In other words, the test they suggest classifies a lot of people as potential problem drinkers. This comes from a laudable aim - better to include too many than to miss someone who really IS in need of help - but it does make the test quite easy to dismiss if you are in denial.

The other problem, of course, is that most people don't (or won't) visit Alcoholics anonymous unless they already think they have a problem.

A couple of rule of thumb tests that might help:

If your drinking costs more than money - think!

If you drink, and bad things happen, yet you nevertheless drink again, perhaps it is time to assess why.

Does your husband tend to put drink above things that rationally should matter more? E.g. does he cock things up around you and your children because he has drunk? Has he ever endangered you because of drink? When you ask him not to drink on a particular occasion does he do it all the same, thus putting drink before your feelings? And so on.

Lastly, a big clue is always in the answer to the question, "why do you drink so/too much?" If the answers are all negatives or not straight answers, e.g. "I don't drink as much as Jim"; "why shouldn't I drink so much?"; "what's it to do with you?"; "it's my money, I'll do what I like" instead of a straightforward answer to the question asked, e.g. "I like it" then that is in itself often a good indicator that he drinks too much for him because he feels the need to defend it.

If he asks what my qualifications are for saying all this, just say to him, "MIFLAW says you can't kid a kidder." He'll know what I mean.

Hope this helps.

galaxydunkedincoffee · 29/06/2010 14:36

MIFLAW

Thank you.

I did have a look at the AA website but couldn't find anything along the lines of pointers that someone in your family may or may not have a problem.

He once dropped ds when drunk (thankfully not from very high) and he once left a gas ring on (with the flame still burning so at least it wasn't just gas) but aside from that he has not endangered any of us. Once he has more than a few drinks I don't let him do any of the childcare / household things because I don't trust him when tipsy / drunk .

There have been a few occasions when he has drunk to the point of passing out even when I have asked him not to drink too much (e.g. every New Year's, one time passing out at a friend's flat so I had to travel home on the train with a toddler and a baby at 1am by myself - I now refuse to go to any friend's places for NYE).

I'll ask him the last question and see if he responds / what he says.

Thanks again and sorry to JWN for the hijack.

MIFLAW · 29/06/2010 14:42

Sounds to me like you already know the answer to your question.

Notice, too, how the abnormal becomes normal. "Aside from that ..." What, aside from dropping a child on the floor and potentially gassing you (gas rings can blow out if unattended, you know) or burning your house down?

You make a valid point though - how much more would his behaviour when drunk have an impact on you if you didn't protect him from himself and he was called on to do what everyone else does?

Here's the test I was thinking of, FWIW; several versions exist but they are all along the same lines and interchangeable.

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomer/isaa4u.shtml

jesuswhatnext · 29/06/2010 14:48

don't apologise, no hijack going on in my book

i hope miflaw has given you some help.

i am just back from meeting, a guy shared, cried, it was very moving

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ladylush · 29/06/2010 14:56

Have been lurking for a while - just wanted to say well done jwn. You're doing brilliantly

MoominMags · 29/06/2010 15:12

JWN is a big inspiration to me too at this point.
I spent pretty much the whole of the meeting last Friday in tears JWN! I think that sometimes it's the relief of being in the company of people who know exactly how I feel. I didn't feel bad or embarrassed by it as I have been at meetings where others have cried and it's just not a problem.

jesuswhatnext · 29/06/2010 15:34

i did that awful gluping crying the other day when i was asked to share, i haven't done that for YEARS , strangly, i think it did me good.

i don't know if this is anyone elses experience but i often feel very guilty when i hear other peoples stories, some have had such dreadful lives, beaten, abused, orphaned, whatever - my drinking problem is self inflicted - i had a lovely childhood, all the mistakes of my adult life have been my own making and i hate to admit it

i don't know about being an inspiration, but you lot have helped me enourmously.

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venusandmars · 29/06/2010 15:36

I have not read to the end of this yet, but I am finding it encouraging. This is my 3rd day without a drink (so far).

Tonight dp will be out and I would normally have a lot to drink. I have got some alternatives - cold elderflower and grape juice in the fridge, and herbal teas.

I hope I can stay as motivated as you all sound.

noddyholder · 29/06/2010 15:45

I would say to those 'moderating' that if you really think you have a problem with drinking this is probably the hardest way to do it believe it or not.My dp used to always have rules 2 drinks in the week 4 at weekends and not a so=ingle one more!This was really just his way of hanging on to some alcohol rather than admit he needed to stop altogether.Social drinkers don't have these rules.My dp said he always knew if he went out drinking he wold end up smashed and couldn't believe that i could sometimes have 1 or 3 or none but had no idea really which seemed odd to him.Every time he moderated it failed eventually and sent him back further. Listen to MIFLAW she says it well.And JWN you are doing well and you don't need to have a horrific childhood to find you are self medicating with alcohol it can come from anywhere x

MoominMags · 29/06/2010 15:46

JWN - I know what you mean about having lovely childhood, good education - basically all the breaks. That's me to a tee too (if that makes sense!) There are plenty of people who suffered horrific starts to their lives or terrible events during it and they are not alcoholics. Just as there as those like me (and you I think from what you said) that had good starts that are! It makes no bloody sense but it is what it is!

MoominMags · 29/06/2010 15:50

Oh and venusandmars, well done on 3 days! We are similar as I am on 6 days! I have done months previously so it can be done!
Are you looking to totally give up? Are you doing it yourself or with AA or other?
Keep coming back!

MIFLAW · 29/06/2010 15:52

JWN

They say the worst story you ever hear in AA is your own - because it actually happened to you.

MIFLAW the token man

MIFLAW · 29/06/2010 15:52

Well done Venus - you've done the tough part!

MoominMags · 29/06/2010 15:58

MIFLAW - it's always good to have the male point of view! Altough weirdly enough most of my AA friends are male. Not sure why! So I have found it useful to be a part of JWN's thread for the female side of things. I suppose though, a drunk's a drunk!

jesuswhatnext · 29/06/2010 16:01

venus - well done!!!!

if you feel a wobble coming on this evening, how about having a long soak, doing your nails etc - i will be back later to chat if you like

moomin - i know what you mean, i had quite a priviledged childhood, i now have what can only be described as a comfortable middle class life, all the previous shit was all down to me, my crap choices (particuarly in men ) have been the bane of my life - i am a 'leap in without thinking' person, in many ways, very immature. i know that i am very demanding and can be an absolute nightmare to live with using the 12 steps will help me to grow up i hope!

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jesuswhatnext · 29/06/2010 16:03

and miflaw - i am not rushing into 'do' them, i was thinking about perhaps asking someone to sponsor me when i get to about 4 months sobriety.

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MoominMags · 29/06/2010 16:03

JWN, I hope that the 12 Steps will help me too. It's not attractive to be acting like a spoilt brat when I am, in fact, in my 30's!

jesuswhatnext · 29/06/2010 16:10

actually moomin, i prefer to describe myself as being a princess

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