me and alcohol have ruined my family

[jesuswhatnext]

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

JWN

Thought you were in Suffolk? You are very lucky to be outside London and still have all these daytime meetings available.

L2W

Jesus is right, he has to hit rock bottom. The only thing you can do (apart from looking after you) is to try and accelerate that impact. Perhpas start refusing point blank to lend/give him any money - and tell him why ("I think you have a problem with drink.") Refuse to cover for him or bail him out in other ways. The more he feels the impact of his actions, the sooner they will hurt.

Do bear in mind though that he is very ill and so this can be a high-risk strategy - some people do very silly and dangerous things to get drink and/or drugs if the normal "easy option" is refused them. You will have to judge for yourself what his "plan B" is likely to be and apply (or not apply) this strategy accordingly.

And certainly don't expect him to like it or thank you any time soon ...

Hope this is of some use though realise it's not much.

Thanks to you both JWN and MIF, it is hugely helpful to have your perspective. I can see the need for him to hit rock bottom before accepting help and I suppose I just need to be around for if/when that happens. Scares me though thinking what type of life he is heading into before he reaches that point....

It is his GF that does a huge amount of scaffolding of his life/work/home, so I imagine when she has reached her 'had enough point' that's when this will come crumbling down

Thanks so much

miflaw - yes i am in suffolk, i was surprised actually at just how many meetings there are avalible to me - the lunchtime one is really well used too!, there are always between 15 and 20 people there. dh has found that there is also a good amount of al-anon meetings too.

Hi Loves2 just to add my 2pennorth about rock bottom - you can't predict when it will come or what will precipitate it. With my bro, after 19 years of heroin use it was a certain birthday that did it, he just felt that if he continued using after that time he would be a junkie forever and he didn't want it. He'd already lost the love of his life, so it wasn't that that did it. It's really hard, as family members we try hard to predict/control the actions of the addicts in our lives (partly to just be able to see an end to the hell!!)but that way madness lies, I'm afraid, the single thing you can do to really really help yourself is get to an AlAnon meeting so I'd really encourage you to do that and to focus on yourself, and your recovery in this very hard situation.

Good luck and hang on in there.

Just to add to the last post - it's true that the precise cause of a rock bottom is intensely personal and may not seem particularly bad to outsiders. My own was a drink driving crash - I'm not saying it was fun but no one was hurt (or even involved apart from me) and I didn't get any sort of prison sentence. I just remember thinking, "they're treating me like a common criminal" and then the realisation, "hang on - I AM a common criminal!" and, though I took a while to stay in AA, that was what did it for me.

So, though his rock bottom will be dreadful for him, it may not be what you yourself would think of as the bad stuff. So try not to worry too much about him in the mean time.

Yes thanks MIF I don't worry too much, just do a typical big sis thing of wanting to make his life all fine and take away any pain! Not realistic, I know.

Sorry, JWN never wanted this to be a hi-jack! You are all very helpful, can't imagine 19yrs of someone you love addicted to heroin, that must really be hell. I am lucky that my brother is not an angry drunk, or even arsy, just lovely, bit wobbly, very slurry and goes on endlessly about how much he adores my boys. Talk about mothers boring the pants of other people with repetitive stories about their little darlings, he could describe the minutae of their lives for hours! Is a darling really, just wish he'd be a sober darling occasionally

loves2 my brother is a darling too, you'd be surprised, always held down a job and for so many years none of us had a clue what was going on. Funny ol' business, addiction. I hope your brother gets the help he needs, and that you do too.
x

I'm sure he is Dilly and it sounds as though you have him back - that he's beaten his addiction? That must be so good. And thanks for the mention of Al-Anon.

Hope your meeting went well today JWN and you get your jobs done at home with a spring in your step!

Loves2 you need to stop thinking in terms of people beating their addiction. I don't mean to be harsh to anyone here but relapse is part of recovery and we must accept that. I honestly don't know where my bro is at in terms of his addiction. He's on great form generally, going to meetings, taking care of himself and looking very well but it's a daily battle. I admire him so much for all that he has gone through (and of course, spent many an hour wanting to beat his bloody head in!) but I don't think about the future. Just for today he is well and, so am I!

Go to AlAnon, you'll learn so much. I've been in FA for about 8 months and it's changed my life.

Ok, no more from me cos now I'm hijacking!!

OK, point taken - didn't realise an addiction wasn't 'beaten' so sorry if that comment was insensitive. But I can see that the process of stopping, for want of a better term, is much more than just the actual stopping. You're saying it's an ongoing thing that you have to take from day to day. OK, I can see that now.

Lots to learn as you say, but also this is all for another thread some other day!

'Zackly! And you weren't being insensitive, dafty! There is indeed loads to learn, and it does all help, it really does.

good evening - had a really good meeting - i was asked to do the 'main share', oh blimey, i nearly ran off - it was terrifying and kind of amazing all rolled into one. as i started speaking i didn't have any idea of what was going to come out of my mouth and then it all sort of fell out iyswim , i rambled on for half and hour , and thinking about it later, i only just scratched the surface.

so, this afternoon has been a bit non-productive, i was exhausted and had a little lie down in a darkened room well, a bit of a kip tbh

until i spoke i had not given much deep thought as to why i drink, but it appears that i have a few 'issues' - a great many are to do with my 2 failed marriages, particuarly my 2nd, which produced dd - i had thought i was indifferant to him, i now think that i may still be full of rage for what he did to us

enough navel gazing for one day - back to the present, now it has cooled down a bit i'm off to do some housework, be back later!

well, its been a good day - I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK!

i told my best friend today that im an alcoholic, she gave me a big hug and told me she loved me i'm glad it is 'out', i think it needed to be!

anyway, very busy day tommorow,work first thing, AA at lunch time, then i am shopping for my 'ladies tea party' which is friday afternoon, i have 9 friends coming, which will be lovley, the forecast looks good then we are of to dds art exhibition, looking forward to that very much, its great to see her progression, i think she may be pretty good at this art stuff! (shame her mother is a philistine )

goodnight all, hope everyone had a good day.

where is everybody? - have i bored you all to death?

Keep on keeping on JWN!

Still here - good going, JWN!

Well done on your first chair - though, if I were you, I would avoid doing them until you have at least 6 months sobriety (this is the informal guideline in most places anyway.)

I'm not saying don't share though - just don't accept the "lead role".

Glad that it went well though.

JWN - I'm still here, cheering you on and being mightily impressed at your progress and determination.
Well done sunshine!
xxx

thanks miflaw - it was sprung on me at the very last moment, i didn't mind as such, just found it quite stressful - i had a nightmare about exh no2 last night, the first one i have had in years, it was a relief to wake up, it was so vivid - wow, the thought just struck me that i might get to 6 months sobriety! what a massive thought!!! its only 3 days until i get to my first month!! fucking incredible never knew i had it in me

must do some work before i leave for meeting - see you later

ps - glad people are still around - you are so helpful THANK YOU!!!

What are you doing for your ladies tea party? Sounds a fabulous idea! Might have to borrow that one for a sunny day....

You did the right thing to accept in the circs.

I just think the person who asked you did the wrong thing - not least because, as you say, it can be quite stressful, and new people need protecting from that as much as possible. You're still developing your own experience, strength and hope - the basis of many a future successful chair, I am sure - by learning from that of others. Well done you, though, for seeing it through and coming out unscathed!

You will have all sorts of odd dreams and emotions for a while - this is what the drink used to suppress. Go with it, share about it, and try not to drink on it.

Of COURSE you might get to 6 months. Or 6 years. Or even (depending on your current age) 60 years.

As long as you do it one day at a time and only count your time looking backwards, not forwards, you're in with as good a chance as any of us.

another good day - i am knackered, been to work, AA, taken dd and bf out for lunch (DID NOT DRINK!), been to dds art exhibition (am very proud, i think i have the next tracy emin ) then i went to sainsburys to get the shopping for my tea party tommorow - this late night shopping is a revelation to me, normally, this time in the evening i would have been far too pissed to drive anywhere , however, i am now so organised it hurts

did have a bit of a moan earlier, everyone was drinking wine at the exhibition, ohhh, i could have fancied one, so i griped to dh for a few minutes, contemplated calling an AA friend, then pulled myself together - glad i did, it would have been a disaster if i had picked up!

miflaw - thanks for the thought of 60 years sobriety, that will make me 107

JWN

I have lurked on your thread and just wanted to say how fantastically you are doing. I stopped smoking on the 6th June and although my journey is nowhere near as hard as yours I keep thinking if you can do it so can I!!

sundew - thanks very much - i gave up smoking 12 years ago, i never do anything by halves and was on 60 a day , actually, in many ways beating the fags is just as hard as the booze in my book.
i am now a rabid anti-smoker , it stinks, makes me feel ill and im bloody glad i don't do it anymore.

i used patches for the whole recommended time, it was 3 months back then, don't know if that has changed at all?, i did find that a lot of people would say that they did'nt work, turned out they were only using them for a few days! one tip i was given was that the craving for a cigarette only lasts for 4 minutes, so, find something else to do with your hands for those 4 minutes and the craving will pass.

ps. after i hit the one year mark, i bought myself a brand new car as a reward i worked out the cost of the car was actually less then i would have spent on cigarettes that year!

i hope that one day the smell of booze will be just as revolting to me as the stink of fags!