me and alcohol have ruined my family

[jesuswhatnext]

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

But how can I go to AA?? I'm going to a family reunion on Saturday which is going to be a case of "would you like a slice of my atmosphere" cos my aunty hates my cousin, my cousin hates my Mum, etc, etc. Its only happening cos my grandparents are visiting from Ireland. Anyway, I might have a couple of glasses & only a couple is what I intend to drink. Also, I will possibly have a drink with my dinner when I'm on holiday. If I fuck up, then thats a different matter but I can't continue going to meetings while I'm still drinking, albiet moderatley. Thats not fair to the people I have met & who genuinely seem to care about my wellfare.

My head is screwed at the moment. I soooo don't want to be an alcoholic & I really want to prove to myself that I'm not. I've always been in control of my drinking up till about 18 months ago when it all went horribly tits up. If its been sociable & acceptable before, why not now??? I'm so scared to fail & I'm even more terrified to have to admit that I'm an alcoholic. My sister thinks I'm giving myself too much of a hard time & she actually laughed & told me to not be ridiculous when I said I thought I was an alcoholic. On the flip side, my Mum thinks that I am (but so is she to be honest-she's even worse than me!) so I've got so many differences of opinion regarding my drinking & I don't know what to think....

Sorry, I'm rambling....

xx

Sweetheart, you've got so much crap going on at the minute, you could do with some support couldn't you? As you felt comfortable with the AA group you went to, I'd recommend going there some more. It's okay if you drink - just don't drink on the day of the meeting, and tell the meeting about the drinks you've had.

There are wider benefits to AA if you keep your mind & spirit open, and I think you would benefit from them. They won't put up with you drinking for ever, but just for now, see how you get along with it

My mum loves me being an alcoholic! She enjoys it so much, she's now decided my sister's an alcoholic too (my sister's never expressed the slightest problem with drink). One day I might drown the woman in a vat of Rioja

"but I can't continue going to meetings while I'm still drinking, albiet moderatley. Thats not fair to the people I have met & who genuinely seem to care about my wellfare."

Utter bollocks. Do you honestly think that you would be the first person to go to a meeting while still drinking? If you're convinced that you're not an alcoholic that's different but the fact of whether you have had a drink is neither here nor there.

Your second para is much closer the mark. You don't want to be an alcoholic (whereas most of us couldn't wait ...) and are worried about what others will think.

Have you ever considered that people don't want you to be an alcoholic because it will complicate their own lives? Perhaps they think they can never open a bottle of vinegar in front of you again. Perhaps you are their camouflage - "God, if SHE stops drinking, I'll have to look at my OWN drinking!" Perhaps, like you, they worry that AA is for "odd" people and don't want an odd relative. Perhaps they are just worried that your meetings will clash with Casualty or Last Of The Summer Wine. Whatever.

You need to do what is right for YOU and forget about these various "wellwishers", even if they're close friends or family.

PS I know you are not the first to go to a meeting after a drink because I did it myself.

PPS I have no wish to judge your family but occasions where people hate each other but still congregate together tend to be riddled with undiagnosed drunks. You could be describing my own family!

Multiplemummy - I do feel for you, I really do. Only you can decide what you want, and I sympathise with your dilemma.

You say 'I soooo don't want to be an alcoholic & I really want to prove to myself that I'm not' - I felt exactly the same and so I 'controlled' my drinking for ten years. That was ten years of counting units, constantly looking over my shoulder to see if anyone else was counting, feeling ridiculously pleased with myself and self-justifying all over the place when I had a well-behaved night out, and full of shame and denial when I didn't. I didn't want to be an alcoholic either - didn't want to give up my friend, my comfort, my crutch.

I cut right back to 'normal' levels of drinking but I always wanted more - and sometimes I'd have the odd binge but that was ok because everyone does that sometimes, it's socially acceptable - within limits.

When I eventually got to AA (a long story, but emotionally I was falling apart and I finally realised that I needed help) I listened and identified but still detached myself and thought 'I wasn't that bad'. But I was happier, suddenly, because I'd made the decision to stop and all that pain and anxiety suddenly lifted, because I had chosen not to drink any more. I love my sober life, I don't miss alcohol because I know now that it wasn't my friend at all, and I wish that I'd made this decision ten years earlier. No regrets, and everyone says you come to AA when you're ready, but I know I could have spared myself years of pain if I had just been honest with myself, and open to the possibility that life might be better without booze, not worse - because it is, there's no question about it.

Sorry, this has turned into a mini-share! I didn't mean to go on that long but I felt drawn to your post and your dilemma. If nothing else, keep posting on this thread because it can only help to get your thoughts and feelings out. The fact that you're on here, and that you've talked so honestly about picking up a drink again, is proof of your courage.

multi - fwiw, there was a guy at my meeting a couple of days ago still pissed from the night before, he looked dreadful, stunk to high heaven and had to go out a few times to throw up - no one batted an eyelid, all he got was help, support and encouragement - maybe that was his rock bottom, i don't know, all i know is, he was welcomed by some very kind and understanding people.

(yes, i was surprised he turned up in that state, i had previously thought that it would be a big no-no, but thinking about it afterwards, where else should he have gone for help - he is an alcoholic)

cjcregg - o-o-o i wanna be like you-o-o-o, come on! singalong!

have just realised i never needed booze to turn me into a nutter

I have been to loads of meetings where there have been obvious hangovers or people very drunk and they have never been shown the door. Other people at the meeting will suggest that if they are drunk they would be better off talking to someone at the end of the meeting rather than during it. If anyone can understand it's AA members!

JWN - me neither! The only difference is that you notice people saying the same thing over and over and over and ......

Multi - Prob should have added that when I said "They won't put up with you drinking for ever", I was thinking of a guy in one of my meetings who was asked to reconsider what AA meant to him. He'd turned up pissed (I mean falling over, mumbling-swearing pissed) to every single meeting for three and a half years.

well guys, am off for the weekend now, wish me luck! if i can get a connection (am off to 'banjo country' i will log on over the next couple of days, if not, will be back monday evening

hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

Have an amazing weekend JWN. You really deserve to have a lovely, relaxing time.

CJCregg, your post has really struck a chord with me. Thats exactly how I have been for a long while now. I remember coming home from a girly night out not long ago & I was completely sober (I'd only had a few...). I was so chuft with myself & thought "well there you go, I'm obviously not an alcoholic" then the following weekend, I got so drunk that I had to get a couple of cans of stella down my neck the next morning to "kick start" my day.

I am going to try & have a relaxing night tonight cos today has been a nightmare. The twins have driven me MAD!!! My little girl has just been so naughty & mischevious & my son has just whinged at me aaaallllll day long. Am going to make a curry & watch the football with my husband & oldest daughter. Not drinking tonight either cos I may have a couple at this family reunion tomorrow.

Thanks so much for the advice & kind words. I really appreciate it. Love to you all. xx

Whoop, whoop, JWN, you're doing great and I can tell you're feeling good about it

Multiplemummy, glad my experience struck a chord. Reading back over my post, I should stress that although I thought I was drinking 'normally', it was still excessive and deep down I knew I was kidding myself. It was only a matter of time. You know that three brandies isn't really 'normal', just like I knew that opening a bottle 'to get me through putting the kids to bed' would eventually become 'to get me through their teatime' and that it wasn't really ok. I rarely drank at lunchtime (except at weekends), and never in the mornings (except on holiday) - I never got arrested (except once when I was a student) or hit anyone (no, but I certainly hurled abuse) or woke up on a park bench clutching a bottle in a brown paper bag (but found myself in some very strange places that I couldn't remember getting to, with people I didn't remember meeting). So I couldn't be an alcoholic, could I?! Bottom line, though, was that once I'd had the first drink I wanted go on all night. What stopped me - most of the time - was the 'I don't want to be an alcoholic' line - but it didn't mean I wasn't an alcoholic.

Can you tell I haven't been to a meeting tonight? I can't shut up ... Sorry to go on, but I do know what you're going through, I think, and I hope this helps just a bit.

By the way, MIFLAW is dead right about other people having a vested interest in you not being an alkie. It means they have to examine their own drinking, and every boozer feels really uncomfortable in the company of recovering alcoholics - I should know, I spent years feeling awkward with them until the message finally rubbed off! Only you can assess your own drinking levels, and only you know if you are feeling happy or not.

Good luck tomorrow. Try and think 'Just for Today' if you can (do you have a Just for Today card? I carry one around with me, it is my talisman) and see how you feel about not drinking - you might just feel better. If not, fair enough, but keep posting.

Sorry - really have gone on too long now. All the best.

MIFLAW and others - can you come and post on this thread please - the curry title is misleading, it's about alcohol problems. Thanks, and sorry for hijacking on this thread.

Hello, just wondered how everyone's weekends had gone? Hope everything went well x

JWN - just remembered that you are not back until this evening. I hope you had a successful weekend - I stayed sober so it was fab!

hi everyone! - just back, am totally knackered, i always forget just how tiring small children are, i love them dearly, but, oh my word, when you hear 'mummyyyyy, i need a drink, wee, poo', insert as app. at 5 in the morning, it is absolute bliss to turn over and go back to sleep in the certain knowledge that you are NOT their mum

anyway, on to the point! i have had a fantastic weekend, have been to a party, out for dinner (twice), cooked for 11 people and

I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!

i had a good long chat with my recovering cousin, he was brilliant help, the whole family are right behind me and it has been great - i have not had a drink for 3 weeks now and i am chuffed to bits with myself - it was also good to spend time with dd and dh - only the usual type of family bickering happened, you know the type of thing, 'did you pack my toothbrush'? 'no, you're grown man, i thought you were capable of packing your own'

so, lovely to hear moomin had a good weekend, hope everyone else did, am off to bed now - i think i have had the life sucked from me by small boys

see you all in the morning

Haven't read the whole thread but am so for you jwn. You deserve this lovely life.

I too have had a fab weekend. Was worried that I would falter as it was our local 'Walking Day' which is always a good craic. So thats 9 days now for me!!

Well done JWN and Moomin..
JWN, your weekend sounds like my life. I have a girl and 2 small boys, and I, unfortunately don't have the luxury of rolling over in just under 5 hours!!!!

On that note, I'm away to my bed!

good morning - am a bit late today, have done weekend washing, put away the suitcases etc and am now ready to begin the day! i am going to AA at lunchtime and a function in the city this evening - I WILL NOT BE DRINKING!

so pleased to hear you had a good weekend melvin did you notice that it was just as much fun sober? - i am finding that i can socialise easily without a drink in my hand, i'm pleasantly surprised that i am finding 'small talk' quite easy and it is a bonus to wake up in the morning without thinking 'oh shit, what bloody drivel have been chatting about this time'

i know that i have a long way to go, but bugger me, life is getting better every day!!!!

JWN - what a cheery post - you sound great! Well done

Do you mind if I ask you something? Do you think there is anything that can be done to help someone recognise the fact that they have a problem with alcohol and get some help? Or do you have to wait till they seek out that help themselves?

I ask because my brother has been drinking a lot for years. He drinks every day without fail, sometimes a huge amount and he ends up incoherent and falling into bed/sofa. Sometimes is just half a bottle of wine. A few years ago we had a long chat about it and I asked him would he try making sure he had 1 or 2 alcohol free days each week just to give his liver a break, and he said yeah, yeah, sounds good. But never did. His long term girlfriend is worried about it but she doesn't know what to do. She told me this weekend that he had a liver function test a couple of years ago which resulted in him cutting down to his current level of drinking as it showed some signs of early damage. He is such a lovely guy, I really want to help

Hello L2W, I have been thinking about your question... God, I don't know. For me I always knew there was an issue on some level but when anyone pointed it out I was affronted! However, I think that people pointing out the situation had a kind of drip-drip effect on me so as the years passed I was almost ready to accept things. (Kind of! It's still hard.) Perhaps you could chat to someone from Al-Anon over the phone?
Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble and probably not helpful! x

No that is helpful mags! I hadn't thought about Al-Anon. Thanks

Fantastic moomin, melvyn and JWN, you are really awesome!

hi, sorry i'm so late, just back from function - SOBER!

loves2 - i will be giving your question some thought before i go to sleep, my initial answer though, is that i would think it is nesr impossible to 'make' someone recognise their problem - it took a 'rock bottom' moment for me to recognise it, and so far, everyone i have heard speak at AA has said the same - it seems to be that a moment of clarity is needed, i think that moment is different for everyone. personally, i did not get to the point of homelessness/illness that i have heard some people talk of - my moment was the realisation that i would lose my family - your brothers moment will be his own iyswim?

i will try and articulate further once i have had some sleep!

see you all tomorrow!

good morning - must be quick as i need to get to the office

i am going to AA at lunch time and doing some housework this afternoon, this house looks like a bomb has hit it - i think we have all been in just long enough to make a mess and then go out again.

hope everyone had a good evening - it always helps when the sun is shining and the long evenings really kick in, lovely for pottering in the garden.

anyway, must go, be back later