me and alcohol have ruined my family

[jesuswhatnext]

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

hi all, just taking a cake break , its been a bugger of a day, my team have worked their bums off and are off to the pub in a little while - i have said i'm too busy this evening to go and given them my credit card to go and play with they all looked at me like i had grown 2 heads! me, not going to the pub! unheard of!!!

tbh i am busy this evening, we are goining away this weekend for a huge family get-together, staying in a huge house with various little nephews, nieces, sils, bils etc. dd is coming as is her bf, so, i have to pack, sort out the cats, and then do some cooking as i'm taking various bits with us, so i have my work cut out.

i'm really pleased with myself, previously, i would have gone to pub, found an excuse to stay for hours and then been too pissed to get on with what i need to do tonight and would have ended up spending a fortune on ready made food that just dosent taste as good as homemade.

thanks dillydora, i think we all need a bit of help now and again, what we need sometimes is almost permission to ask iyswim?

back later

btw - i'm happy to go this weekend as there are going to be 2 AA going cousins there - i know i will have loads of support from them, they have been in recovery for a few years now and are doing really well.

well, what a differance an hour can make - i got home from work, dh and dd already in, dh has obviously had a rough day, dd has a cold - both of them seemed to start on me, a blazing row has been had by all, dh says he still may leave me, dd says i am a bitch, i have no understanding of how they feel, i'm selfish and may as well fuck off for all the use i am

right now im a mixture of sadness and anger, i know i have hurt them, i know its only been 2 weeks, but fucking hell, i cant try any harder - i feel angry that this almost seems an excuse to be downright bloody hateful towards me, particuarly on dds part. dh has an ability to behave in a really cold, off-hand dismissive manner at times - i cant bear it, i am demonstrative by nature and find it so hard when people i love withdraw from me (perhaps this is the 'emotional immaturity' i have been reading about)

i am not going to drink, that won't help the situation at all, just feel sad.

ok - all had a good talk - we have to decided to look into having some kind of family therapy, dh apologised, said he was being deliberatly hurtfull and is just as committed to our marriage as ever, dd has had a good cry she says she does of course love me and dh, she just is scared of the family breaking down, poor little sod, she has had a lot to contend with, plus do her a levels and cope with all the usual teenage angst they all go through.

i have not drunk, nor wanted to - i just want to be a normal wife and mum!

hope everyone else is having a better evening!

That sounds really tough JWN, I do feel for you. They obviously love you so much though, maybe they're just processing some of their pain and this is going to happen occasionally. Maybe it will help the healing because it will force you all to confront each others feelings.

WELL DONE FOR NOT DRINKING XX

Someone (again) with far more knowledge about these things will be along JWN but hand on in there and well done for not turning to the booze. I guess - as you are learning - people deal with recovery in different ways. Your family (and you don't need me to tell you this) are recovering too.

Be nice to yourself x

Well, I have had a drink tonight. Not much. Just 3 single brandys.... I don't know how I feel. I'd been umming & ahhing about whether I was an alcoholic all week well I'll know soon enough. In the "big book" its says; you can't turn an alcoholic into a "normal" drinker. Only time will tell. I'll either get my act together or I will fuck up again soon. There is a bottle of brandy in the kitchen & I'm happy with the amount I've had. I don't feel like I want another one. Is that a good sign or is it just me being overly cautious because its early days of giving myself "another chance". To be honest, my head is wedged right up my arse (sorry for being so crude) & I just wish I could wave a magic wand & it all be okay. I've texted the girl that I met at AA last week & whom I get on so well with. I told her that I'd drank tonight & she just said that she'd here for me if I ever need her. How nice is that? I feel like scum. So many people reached out to me at AA & here I am, drinking.....

I shall miss my meetings actually. Does that sound silly??? There were so many genuinely lovely, selfless people in those rooms & there is a shortage of those people in my life to be honest. I shall miss them but as I am giving myself one more chance to get my shit together, I could not contemplate going back to a meeting (unless I fuck up again, as I said)

So thats where I'm at. A silly, weak willed woman that just wasn't ready to accept (or maybe I'm actually quite a "normal" drinker after all & I was just going through a blip)
I have 2 year old twins who I'm on my own with everyday. I don't drive, I feel so isolated sometimes, I'm lonely, I'm depressed-so I drink. Maybe when I get back to work & start adding some structure to my life, my drinking will go back to normal. PLEASE God, let it go back to normal....

Sorry for the crappy post. JWN-ur amazing hun & I wish you all the love & the luck in the world. Thank u everyone else (MIFLAW included).

Love to all. xx

\multiplemummy,

From my very limited insight on this it looks like you really have a problem. But I guess you need to discover by yourself.

JWN... I have seen several uncles on both sides of the family struggle with alcohol and I have seen the families struggle with them. It is very difficult for you now and you need all their support. Please try not to be resentful. Probably both your dh and dd have also needed your support when you were unable to provide it. They may feel that now you are better, but still you are the one needing the most. One of my cousins used to say this about his recovering alcoholic father: before it was about his booze and the consequences and now is about his recovery. At the end it is always about him.
Focus on non drinking and not much more. You cannot cope now with all the history of this or their emotional needs. However, try also not to feel bad if their express them. It is normal but you are doing all you can do right now to deal with it, basically, not drinking.
You are an amazing woman!

multi, -you are NOT scum - please dont think of yourself like that, all you are is a human being struggling with a problem - i am the wrong person to ask if you are an alcoholic or not, my judgement is seriously flawed on that one or i would not be here myself - all i can say to you is that you sound very down, very lonely and perhaps you have pnd - in my case the booze did not help any problems, just made them worse

you are not a fuck-up, you are a nice lady who needs a little help!

even if you decide to have a drink, please keep coming back for a chat - i promise there will be no preaching! just one woman trying to help another

cameloen - thanks for your post, i am trying very hard not to feel resentful or selfish, i think everything that was said last night actually needed to be said - what is good is that, once we had all calmed down, we all agreed that we perhaps needed outside help, in the form of some kind of family therapy, to help us try and heal and stay together as a loving family, none of us want to seperate, we all agree that we are a little unit and we are going to do what ever it takes.

my resolve hasn't faltered (thank god)

we are putting off leaving for the weekend until i have been to AA, hopefully that will keep me focused - i have found a meeting in the village we are staying in, in case i need it, but i also have out 2 relatives around as well, so, i should be alright.

anyway

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY

Morning all,
JWN, that's brilliant that you have got through family troubles without picking up. You are doing so well. If you just keep doing what you're doing the problems with your family will get better. Just think how much worse they would be if you were drunk? A million times.
Multiplemummy, please keep checking into the thread just to keep in the loop.
Camaleon, that was really interesting the comment you made about everything always revolving around the alcoholic - whether drinking or recovering. It is certainly food for thought for me.
As for me, well I have not had a drink for 4 days. Having had a good bit of sobriety previously it's frustrating to be back here but I will keep going! Thanks to all x x

"In the "big book" its says; you can't turn an alcoholic into a "normal" drinker. Only time will tell." Hasn't it already told? You didn't mean to drink. You had a drink. What is your definition of a problem drinker if it isn't that?

"So thats where I'm at. A silly, weak willed woman that just wasn't ready to accept (or maybe I'm actually quite a "normal" drinker after all & I was just going through a blip)" you're not going to like this, but it sounds a bit like you're trying to let yourself off the hook. Oh, of course I drank again, I'm a silly, weak-willed woman. I couldn't possibly stop, not me, no.

Everything about this post and your previous posts screams that you want to stop drinking - or, at least, that you want to stop drinking the way you've been drinking. So go back to AA and be honest with people.

Some of the strongest-willed people I know are in AA - strong-willed to a negative extent, sometimes. Their willpower, their solemn intentions, the tears of their children and dying relatives - these things did not stop them drinking. They are not relevant.

Do you honestly think that normal drinkers go around exerting willpower in order to control their drinking? If they want a drink, they have one. If they don't, they don't. They make rational decisions with regard to alcohol and then stick to them. If you were a normal drinker, you would find you were capable of doing the same.

"I'm lonely, I'm depressed-so I drink." If you honestly believe that then all I can say is, thank fuck you're not a Muslim! How would you cope if you couldn't drink? How do you think Muslims and Methodists cope with depression, shyness, sorrow or even just boredom?

If you need to drink even when drinking is unadvisable or against your wishes then, by definition, you are a problem drinker. Willpower, a better job, a happier day or a lottery win will not change that. You need help.

sorry to nag you - but, for your own happiness, face the facts and act on them. You owe it to yourself.

Thinking of you.

JWN you guys are a really a family in recovery now which is pretty tough. Everyone has to change because addiction is family illness. The best thing your DD & DH can do is go to AlAnon to deal with their stuff. All of this is going to take time. And tbh DD is under a lot of pressure with A levels, my family split up and everything went to hell during mine (so much so that I was self-harming, left home for a bit etc) and it was soooo hard but I lived, see, here I am! Got a doctorate now and a posh job Seriously though, see if you can get them to go to meetings, they'll be so relieved, that is the place for them to be.

Hang on in there, all of you, it's worth it. Just for today!
xx

Agree with DD. My parents went to their first Al-Anon meeting this week (I am actually married but my poor parents still seem to end up dealing with a lot of the crap from me) and they really 'enjoyed' it if that doesn't sound weird! They were so relieved to be around people who understand. They did not have to put a game face on. Definitely something to think about x

miflaw - i know what you are saying is right, but blimey man - that was a bit harshly put! i have a feeling that multi needs a few kind words at the moment!

btw, muslims seem to 'relax' with a sheesha pipe, quite addictive ime

They WERE kind words.

Muslims MAY relax with a sheesha pipe (though in my experience they don't, that is a North African cultural thing and Bangladeshis, for example, don't) but no one was talking about relaxing. I was talking about "depression, shyness, sorrow or even just boredom". Lots of normal people relax with a drink - me, I just get shit-faced.

I am very grateful that I didn't get more "kind words" when I went to AA or I'd be dead by now. I got a lot of hope - my problem was not unique, there was a solution, and other people would help me if I wanted them to - but, beyond that, I often heard the advice directed to me and others to "get off the pity pot."

Have you yet come across the expression, "poor me, poor me, pour me another?" I was as prone to that as anyone, in or out of AA. It is the easiest thing in the world to say, in all sincerity, "what's the use, I'll never get out, I've let everyone down, I might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb."

So many people who say that go on to prove themselves right and end up rthe premature occupants of a six-foot-long box.

I would hate to see that happen to anyone on here because it need not happen at all.

See? Quite kind after all, aren't I?

alright, alright! don't you know that no-one likes a bleedin' know-it-all!

perhaps i am still a bit raw from last night, i just know that my family shouting and ranting etc, wasn't what i needed last night - all i wanted were a few kind words and a bit of acknowledgement that they knew i was really trying, i know, i'm selfish, i know its early days yadda yadda but iam trying with all my might to 'get off the pity pot'

and yes, you are very kind!

JWN You can't control your family's behaviour (just like they can't control yours)so if they feel ranty then ranty it is...but here's the thing, as you go on in your recovery you will learn how to look after yourself better and allow them to have their feelings without feeling knocked off centre yourself. Working the steps is going to allow you to develop an inner strength you never knew you could have seriously, keep it up and you won't know yourself!

I think that feeling raw is really normal - in early recovery emotions that have not been felt for many years make themselves known and it's scary. Speaking for myself most emotions were to be drowned in alcohol! For me it feels like my skin is really, really thin... All normal! x

JWN

I think that's the difference.

Your family do know that you're really trying, because you aren't drinking.

Multi will have a hard job convincing anyone - including herself - because, not only is she drinking (which happens to a lot of us) but she is not even convinced in her own mind that there is a problem and doesn't want to go back to the place that's helped her most to date until she IS convinced.

Also, JWN - do you work? Imagine that you (or someone you manage) had been underperforming for some time - not just slacking a bit but making BIG mistakes. The result would be some kind of probation.

If they turned it round for two whole weeks you'd be impressed and pleased - but would you really think, oh well, I was wrong, it was just a blip, forget this probation nonsense?

Or would you say, this is excellent, but I'll reserve my judgement a bit longer until I'm sure this isn't a flash in the pan?

That's pretty much where your husband and daughter are at right now. Fantastically impressed; extremely happy; probably amazed; but nevertheless waiting and seeing and also still sitting on a few resentments that they didn't get out in the open when you were still drinking. Give them time, and give yourself time. You're doing great and they know it.

aww milflaw - you are an old softy really aren't you!

and a bloody know-it all!

probation is a really good way of looking at where i am now regarding the family - they also have every right to off load the resentments that have built up, its proberbly healthy that they do, even though i know it is right, it dosen't make it any easier for me to take.

JWN, how about doing a bit of Steps 4&5? You don't have to do them in one, big squelch you know ... because that would be "all or nothing" like an addict, wouldn't it

Maybe if you make a small start on Step 4, you could have a small conversation with DH and DD at the same time.

Small, though! No bingeing on your steps, either.

Well, if I didn't feel like shite, I do now.

JWN, your dead right. I do have PND or at least I did. After the birth of my twins, I spent 2 months in hospital recieving treatment. It was a bloody awful time for me & my family. I had what they call "peurpral psychosis" (I think I've spelt it right )which isn't pleasant at all. I'm not on a "pity pot" MIFLAW, in fact I went on TV to tell my story in the hope that other ladies with this awful condition know there is help out there if they want it. I'm proud that I spoke out. It was hard, but I did it.

I've always been quite a drinker, but it was really when I came out of hospital & was still struggling with the PND that my drinking became bad. Still, since that time I have been out with my friends & often I'll be the most sober one at the end of the night (granted-sometimes I am the most pissed too! ) Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for a drink at all, & sometimes I'm in the mood for getting completely shit-faced. I know that the main reason I drink is to shut my brain off for a bit & I know this is a bad reason for drinking, but I don't think I'm the only person in the world to do this.

I spoke to my daughter the other night (she is 17) & I told her that I was trying to quit drinking completely. She actually said "don't you think your going a bit over the top quiting completely?" According to her, when I've had 1 too many, I'm funny & a little embarrassing sometimes but thats about it. I'm not a nasty drunk or a violent drunk. I'm a "I love everyone-lets have a group hug" drunk. Annoying, maybe??
Still I know that the regular drinking & the "not so regular" binges need to be stopped. I have contacted my community alcohol team today & have an appointment with one of their people next week. So, I know I need help. I'm not sticking my head in the sand. I just wonder whether complete abstinence is neccessary. If it doesn't work out well this time, well then, back to AA I go.

I'm going on holiday in 3 weeks time. I know that this will be quite a test for me. Normally, holidays=major piss up from start to finish, but I have 2 small children (& 1 thats not so small) & for their sake if not for my own, I will do whatever it takes to get this sorted. If it means I cut down & have regular appts with the community alcohol team then so be it. If it means that I have to go back to AA with my tail between my legs, then thats okay too.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now.

P.S though. How do you know that I'M not muslim MIFLAW. 99.9% of muslims don't drink, but a tiny minority do....

thanks grace, i will give it some thought!

you are so right about 'all or nothing', when i smoked it was 60 a day i never do anything in 'half measures', i think maybe i have an addictive personality!

multi - only you can make the next call on your drinking habits - the only thing i would say to you is this - i too was once the life and soul of the party, always had fun, did daft things etc, then, very gradually, i started getting cross, being a bit snippy, got a bit mouthy - got nastier, got drunker, got even nastier - this has happened over several years, not just all of a sudden iyswim.

still, i meant it, no preaching, i'm more than happy to listen, i don't have the long term sobriety that miflaw has and the clear brain that seems to go with it , and in no way have all the answers.

Muslim = shorthand for practising Muslim. You are right, some Muslims do drink. And some of them end up in AA too. Ditto Methodists. Ditto (especially in America) teenagers and even children.

I was in no way suggesting that your clinical depression was why you were on the pity pot.

I was talking about this:

"I feel like scum. So many people reached out to me at AA & here I am, drinking....."

and this:

"So thats where I'm at. A silly, weak willed woman"

You've been to AA. You will have heard people say to you, "keep coming back." Now, if you don't want to go back, then of course you shouldn't, but if you do want to go back - because people reached out to you, because you were happy there, because you will miss the meetings - then what are you waiting for? For people to phone you and beg you? Go to a meeting if you think it will make you happy and worry later about the textbook definition of an alcoholic.

Why do you feel like scum? because you've had a drink? Normal people drink. And alcoholics who don't treat their alcoholism drink. So whether you're an alcoholic or not, you've done exactly what society expects of you. How does that make you scum?

As for willpower - again, it doesn't come into it. You might as well try exercising willpower on diarrhoea. Alcoholism is an illness and you don't think yourself well.

Or, again, the alternative is that you're not an alcoholic, in which case you don't need willpower not to drink, you just make a choice and it happens.

Basically, either you are an alcoholic or you're not. If you are, it doesn't make you a bad person. But nor can you choose not to be. If you are, you need to get help from somewhere or it will kill you.

I would therefore suggest that, until you know for sure one way or the other, you assume you are one and act accordingly.

Hope you find this more positive.