me and alcohol have ruined my family

[jesuswhatnext]

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

good morning, must be quick as am off out in a mo.

im not 'doing' the steps, just thinking about the meaning of the first one and how i can apply it to myself, how it can help me iyswim? - miflaw, i have heard someone say they have done them twice, i took it to mean that he had begun drinking again in between doing them, maybe iam very wrong, i don't know.

i like the 'progress not perfection' comment, its a good one to follow, especially for a control freak who has to let go a bit! (me!)

anyway

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY!

see you later

JWN, MM, MM, Grace and others - I thought I'd lost this thread and haven't read since last week....was worried that you had all abandoned.

So pleased to hear that everything is good and getting better with you all and that you are all getting your lives back.

I love hearing what you are up to every day, keep it up!

Anyway, noticed there hadn't been as many cheers for a while so whoop whoop!!!

Normally when someone says they have "done" them twice they are, as it says somewhere in the big book, "nearly breaking their own arm from patting themselves on the back" that they have gone through them once in order and then gone through them again. I think they would say they had drunk again if that's what they meant.

The understanding of the steps that I prefer is that they are like a set of spanners. You learn how to use them, one by one - and thereafter, whenever you have a problem in life, the challenge is to find the right spanner (or combination of spanners) to apply to that particular problem. And, of course, the more you practise, the better you get at handling those spanners.

In terms of using the steps to understand yourself, all well and good. In that case, though, note that it says "our lives had become unmanageable". In other words, our problems are not solely related to our drinking and stopping drinking alone will not fix them ... An easy thing to overlook in the early days (I know I did.)

IMO, they form a perfectly sound philosophy for life. I was a bit peeved when people in meetings said they'd had a Step Twelve 'epiphany'. I wanted one!!

I sometimes wonder if they were the people who, having Done All The Steps, now believed themselves to be perfect

Just wanted to say I have been reading this thread and you should be so proud of yourselves.

There will be dark moments but you sound like to have good support networks in place to get you through.

Well done, hope you continue to go onwards and upwards!x

good evening, just back from my spa day, oooooh, i have had a lovely day , i am pampered from head to foot, had a lovely lunch - AND I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK!

thank you for all the helpful comments as always (and the cheers!)

miflaw, i understand about problems not being solely to do with drinking, the trouble i have is that in general, my life is very good, i have a lovely family, a good job, that i enjoy, a nice home and tbh, not too many financial worries - my drinking WAS causing most of the problems i now have with above i can fix my job easily, i am definatly now more in control of finances and my house is now a sparkly new pin - fixing the damage i have done, solely through my drinking, to my family will take a lot longer to do

grace, i agree with you, it would'nt hurt any of us to try and follow the steps, particuarly with regard to how we treat others - i'm pretty certain i will never announce myself to be perfect though

anyway, will be back later!

"my drinking WAS causing most of the problems i now have with above" - I know, I know - my life problems, too, was mainly caused by my drinking.

So I stopped drinking and they went away.

so I had no problems.

So I drank again.

And they came back with a vengeance.

There is a saying in AA (there always is, isn't there) - if you want to know why you drank, stop drinking! In other words, fair enough, your drinking was causing all the problems - so what was causing the drinking?

This is all just my thoughts, of course - do not lose sight of the fact that you are doing fantastically well and need never drink again.

JWN, you're brilliant

Well done for today!

MIFLAW is right it is vital that you find out why you felt the need to 'medicate' with alcohol when lots of people have similar lives/issues and don't.It does affect all the areas of your life but it is not enough just to remove the substance.AA will help with this though You are doing well xx

thanks for the comments, all thought provoking!

for tonight, i'm off to bed - its been a long day, but good.

i have a hell of a day tomorrow workwise, so will not make it to AA at lunchtime - i may well try my first evening meeting, i feel quite nervous about doing that, daft isn't it?, its just that it will be a whole new group of people i suppose, i will be the new girl again

goodnight, see you tomorrow

ps - i have not had a drink today

Hi there.

JWN, I'm so glad you had a nice day hunni. A spa day sounds wonderful. I might have to persuade my hubby to invest in a spa day for me too!!

Well, I went along to my 7th meeting today (7 meetings in 7 days!). As always, I was so inspired & uplifted by the stories of people who were once helpless & desperate & who now have, by the looks of things, a bloody good life. It was a lovely meeting tonight & I just felt that there was something really special going on in that room iykwim. The selflessness of these people that just reach out to you is just amazing. I'm just in awe of them.

I am still finding it very difficult. Its not the "not drinking" that I am struggling with really, its the "am I an alcoholic". I KNOW that most alcoholics started off at AA thinking the same thing, but I'm just soooo confused. I mentioned this to one lady & basically said that my drinking wasn't "that bad" & she said to me that alcoholism is like a train journey-you can get off at any stop. Thats really stayed with me & has really given me something to think about.

All this "higher power" business is also confusing me. I'm not a religious person AT ALL (too much catholisism shoved down my throat as I child, I think) & I know you don't have to be of any faith to believe in a higher power or a God as you see Him, but I just can't figure out for myself what this could be to me iykwim.

All I can do for now is to keep going to meetings & hope that eventually things will start making sense to me. I have 2 year old twins, but thankfully an amazingly supportive husband so I am going to try & give the "90 meetings in 90 days" thing a try.

MIFLAW, if you have any words of wisdom, please give them to me. I could do with a shove in the right direction at the moment. My head is well & truly gone... I just wish that things were as clear to me as they are for other people.

Love to all. xx

Hi MM, I have no experience of what you're going through so I don't have any words of wisdom but I didn't want to read and run.

The fact you've not had a drink AND attended 7 meetings in 7 days is AMAZING. You should be very very proud of yourself.

Someone far more wise than me will be along soon but in the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself and remember what you've achieved so far.

Hang on in there x

Keep at it MM. Glad to see you on here. Have been worried!

morning everyone - just a quick check in, been at work since sparrow fart!

hang on in there multi!! you are doing really well, try not to think too much, just try and go with the flow for a while, a day at time don't forget that the rest of us are wadeding through trecle too!

be back later!

JWN. I am in Suffolk too! Positive thoughts from one Suffolk girl to another!!!

"It was a lovely meeting tonight & I just felt that there was something really special going on in that room iykwim. The selflessness of these people that just reach out to you is just amazing."

MM, that is your higher power: the power of people pulling together, doing things for each other. Your shared humanity. When people get together, for good or ill, there is nothing they cannot accomplish. This is what a good family should be like too, and a good church, and a good community. Alas, so often they aren't!

Multi

Good to hear that things are going so well for you.

Are you an alcoholic? Who knows? The only straightforward answer I can give you is by way of an anecdote.

A man phoned the AA helpline in tears. When he calmed down a bit, the doubt set in. How could you identify whether you were an alcoholic or not?

"Well," said the man at the other end of the phone line, "it's not easy to be hard and fast - but, in general, they're the people who ring this number."

As for Higher Powers, I am happy to confirm that I am an agnostic and have no problem with the Higher Power. Why don't you try one of these and see if it works for you?

1. You might not believe in a god - but you can imagine a god, surely? If you can, what do you imagine that god would want you to be like? Kind, adult, responsible, not always seeking to say "if" and "but" but to accept things as they are, not trying to run the show all the time, putting others first occasionally without expecting a big pat on the back? Fair enough - whether or not this god exists, why not try doing all that and see if your life gets better?

2. How about making your subconscious your HP? It is not you in any controllable sense; it definitely exists; it has pwer over you but you don't have power over it.

3. Lots of people use the AA group as an HP - indeed, AA literautre suggests this as a valid starting point. Why not start like this and see how you get on? You can always change later.

4. If all else fails, then a useful piece of advice I received was this. "The only thing you need to know about God is, you're not It." YOU don't run the show; YOU can't change everything; YOU sometimes have to put up and shut up. Accept that and move on.

7 days is an immense amount of time without a drink for an alcoholic. You are doing fine. Try not to worry about the future - keep it in the day. The rest will come.

Hope some of this helps.

Am so happy you've made it to two weeks and beyond JWN. Well done to everyone else.

I'm having a hard time in my life at the moment - not alcohol related - and this thread is a good reason to smile and believe in good things and good people.
xxx

I have been lurking around this board for some time but I just wanted to say hello. I am fighting my own battle with this life-threatening illness at the moment. Feels like I am losing it presently but got myself to a meeting last night so doing OK today. The support on here is amazing and I suppose I just wanted to be a part of it.
Thinking of you all! x

hi moomin - just stuffing a sarnie at my desk, excuse the crumbs!

anyway, good to have you aboard you sound a bit down i won't be getting to a meeting today as my deadlines are looming, so i will be back later this evening if you want a chat! - i find this thread is nearly as good as a meeting for keeping me on track - i don't want to let my 'cheerleaders' down - they are fantastic, listen to my ramblings and generally help me to keep on keeping on!

be back later

ps - i know how hard it is, all you can do is keep trying

Hi JWN, so nice to get a reply so quickly! I suppose I do feel quite down. Had managed almost 11 months without alcohol but have had 3 binges in past 3 months. Just feeling sorry for myself - and self-pity is a bad thing. I keep telling myself 'this too shall pass' and I know it will! It's just getting there that's painful.
It's lovely to read how well you are feeling and doing - a real reminder of how great it is to get past the early days. Thank you for your kind words.

Hi Moomin,

One of the cheer squad here....you are more than welcome to join.

I have no close experience at all of this sort of thing, just "fell upon" this thread really.

I do have an uncle who is a clean drug and alcohol addict (clean for about 15 years straight now, although had years of "yo-yo-ing" and battling) and remember some very embarrassing/upsetting times as a child as he lived with us for a while.

But as he has now been clean for so long, it feels great to have "found" this new uncle that I never knew. He is amazing and such an inspiration to all around him.
It wasn't all easy though and there were tough times, but he did it as can you guys!!

You are all amazing for seeing, recognising and starting/continuing the journey to becoming YOU again.

Whoop whoop!!!

Hi Munchkin,
Thank you for your message. It's lovely to have a cheer squad!
Feel a bit like I have dragged the tone of the thread down - and it's been so inspiring up to now, oops! I have lots of positives to think about - so that's what I need to concentrate on. I have lovely AA friends and a sponsor so I just need to get my head out of my backside and get on with it!
I am looking forward to seeing how everyone else is doing...

Not dragging it down Moomin...promise

Hi JWN and others - sorry not time to read all 11 pages properly but wanted to add my support. My brother was a heroin addict for 19 years and is now in recovery, I go to Families Anonymous (like AlAnon but for drugs) and it's really helped me get a grip of myself, I don't feel the need to try to control his life anymore! Just wanted to say well done, well done, well done JWN for getting to those meetings, it's fantastic to read about your recovery.

Moomin hang on in there. I don't think you're dragging people down - recovery isn't a straight road is it? More of a wobbly one - for all of us!!

Anyway, hope to be back soon (keep coming back!) and in the meantime just really well done! As munchkin says 'whoop whoop!'