what about sisterhood?

[babehunmug]

Hi I'm fairly new here. I posted something about my DH and his OW and was surprised at a couple of replies that seemed to be saying its all DH's fault and that OW has not committed to me so don't blame her.

Now that has surprised me cos I believe in the sisterhood and have always steered well clear of married men or men that I know already have a partner. Why? because life is difficult enough without making it worse for a fellow(?)-woman. Before this OW appeared I always thought I wouldn't like this to happen to me so I'm not ever going to facilitate it for a man who might be tempted to cheat and cause pain and suffering to his wife/partner and children and all the other people that get hurt in the process.

Is there no more sisterhood?

I am very sorry that your relationship with your DH is in difficulty and that he has let you down.

Don't know if there really was ever a sisterhood, but good manners really. Some women think that all men are fair game, unfortunately.

Personally I would not get involved with a married man if I were single (don't need that hassle), but who knows what your DH told her?

I agree with the comments of the other posters: that your DH is the one committed to you and so is the one who has betrayed (your anger etc needs to be focused on him), the OW enabled him to have the affair, but if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else IYKWIM.

There are loads of fantastic posters on MN who will give you the benefit of their hard won wisdom.

obviously she had some responsibility to not get involved with a man who is married but it's him who deserves your ire more IMO.

I too have often been surprised at statements about the ow owing wives nothing and not to be angry at her .

Affairs are really the only circumstances where we are told not to be angry at someone whos hurt us, and that its ok, because she owed us nothing and wasnt commited to us.

Imagine applying that logic to a burglar , or someone who had you fired from work or impacted your life , or that of your childrens in some other negative way and being told " Well they werent commited to you ".

But, dignified, blaming the OW isn't like blaming the burglar. It's like blaming the person who buys your stolen goods (who may or may not have known they were stolen). The burglar's like the cheating spouse, who crossed your boundaries and broke the 'law'.

bhm, if yours is the thread I'm thinking about - I said the OW was obviously a prat, but the person who actually cheated on you was your H.

A woman who has an affair with a married man KNOWS she is harming the wife, and the children if there are any. She does this knowingly , just as the burglar knows hes causing us harm , and the office bully does.

I know the burglar comparison might be a bit extreme, but why shouldnt we be angry at someone whos knowingly caused us harm ? Of course this takes nothing away from the cheating spouse , he is to blame without a doubt, but so is the ow who knowingly does this to women and their children.

The bully in the office owes me nothing, isnt commited to me , but either way has caused me harm and ill be pissed off about it.

I wouldn't think it's wrong to hate the OW. But some people concentrate all their anger at her and leave their H off the hook.
It's him that broke his promises, she was a wagon but ultimately not loyal to you just on the basis of gender.

I don't think people have no problem with the OW do they? It is just that the only person who has promised to be trustworthy and faithful to you is your OH.

My Dh has offers . The only person responsible if he says yes to them is him. I still think the women making the offers are contemptible but they are not my problem. He would be.

I agree with you. The OW has chosen to enter a relationship with someone she knows is already in a relationship. Whatever line he spins her, she's in the wrong.

But of course, he is far far far more in the wrong.

I think that you can be angry with her but that you can't blame her.
She was third party to the contract held between you and your dh so she isn't liable
All the blame and liability lies between you and your dh
She should have been better mannered but that is all imo

wukter, I think the reason they do that is because it's far easier to blame the ow than tthe one they know is really where the fault lies. It's before the stage of being able to face up to his betrayal...

I think they're equally bad (assuming she knows)

I agree with you HB, it's a completely understandable reaction.
But I've seen situations where OW gets all the blame, poor old diddums H trots back to wifey having gotten away with it - til next time.

I think that you can be angry with her but that you can't blame her.

Some woman climbs into bed with your husband, she KNOWS this is harmfull to your family, KNOWS there will probably be a divorce, KNOWS your children will suffer but you shouldnt blame her ?

Im trying to think of a similar situation where a person can have this sort of destruction on someones life and not be blamed on the basis that they had no contract with you not to do so.

I don't think it's just a question of manners, it's a question of morals and ethics.

Manners is about how you pass the salt at the table. Ethics is about how you source the food and how you distribute it.

Deciding to cause real anguish to another human being, isn't just a manners issue imo. It's much deeper than that.

But dignified, the OW is wreaking destruction to some faceless, abstract Wife & Kids.
Whereas the husband is doing it to the woman he (supposedly) loves and shares his life with.
That's why it's much more painful is the OW is your BF or something. Double betrayal.

Not absolving OW's of blame, or anything.

Im not sure what you mean by your last post Wukter about faceless wives.
I think anyone who deliberateley causes that much pain to other people are a peice of shit, male or female.

I read the analogy on a site whereby a man wanted to beat his child and says to a stranger walking by with a large stick "give me that stick so I can beat my child" and the person then gives him that stick knowing what he is going to do with it "saying if I don't give him a stick someone else will".

Is the person who gave him that stick absolved from all responsibility ? I think not. As far as I am concerned the OW in my case is equally to blame - she knowingly entered into an affair with a mm with 4 DC. He had a responsibility to me to say no and not to cross that line and believe me, I was and still am extremely angry with him but I am equally angry with her (even more so following some of her behaviours on discovery ).

We all have a duty to treat others as we would wish to be treated ourselves.

I think a lot of women blame ow, as it is easier to hate her than to hate your kids father, If I hated him I hated bits of him in them, so I stopped and concentrated all my hatred at the betrayal onto her, it made for a better life for my kids...

At the end of the day, I later found out the ow in my case, was probably one of the one's who falls into the bracket of having pushed down her hatred at her mother to the point of hating married mothers, so their husbands were fair game, there is also a theory, I have read up a lot about it to understand it, to stop myself getting involved with another man that would do the dirty on me, and the other thing is they often hate men also so want to wreck their lives, it is all rather sick.

The ow in my situation, had an alcholoic abusive father, a mother who sounds odd, and did not want her and worked two jobs and sent her to two childminders, then got involved with another abusive alcholic and allowed her child to be abused again, so there is huge anger issues to do with mothers and fathers with her, which she has used my family to work through! Her father and mother went for years through court, and it turned out her father wanted to make her mother look unfit, and now her mother is a social worker to decides who is a fit parent to adopt kids... oh yes and ow, seems to only have relationships with mentally deragned men, and low and behold ex has beend diagnosed since getting with her by a psychiatrist as having mental breakdown adjustment disorder, ex took me to court, oh yes to make me look like an ufit mother, it is all so sick, she had no money, so ex wants us to have no money, she had no dad and no conact, so ex has not contact with kids... it is her stuff he allowed to poison the kids with.

Believe me you are best off away from men who have affairs, they are liar's, selfish, cheats and dangerous!

I hope that you can make a new life for yourself, and trust me she will make your ex pay, and she will pay too, leave them to their madness they have dragged you into!

Interesting post Mummie , ive often thought that having affairs with married men is often more about pissing on their wives than anything else.

dignified, I looked into it to avoid getting involved in that situation again, there is something in them that loves high drama, condemnation, damage, hurt, choosing one over another, nastyness etc, I think of the one's I have known in life who had affairs and they are not right in the head really when I look at them with age and experience of life!

Your not wrong there !
The ones i have known have enjoyed bitching about the wife with the assumption they are more important than her , theyve deliberatly made it so the wife found out and seem to really get off on pissing on other women like this.

When its pointed out that they are usually no more than a cheap shag they are outraged.

Not at all sure I believe in a 'sisterhood' but it takes a very selfish person to take actions that cause others, perhaps especially children, pain. Of course, an unfaithful husband (or wife) is culpable but the other person is also vile and therefore deserves to be the object of disgust.

Anger towards ow or om is entirely deserved, just don't forget the greater betrayal is that of your spouse.

menopause and dignified, that is why they often lie about having the affair also, they dont' want that reaction, and pretend they met after the marriage split!!!! selfish to the core!

OP - TBH, contrary to yourself, I have never understood the blame the OW approach.

I appreciate why you are angry with the other woman and I do understand how it is easier to blame a faceless "homewrecker" than the man you love but really....

It is the husbands that lie and deceieve, pretend to be working when they are with OW, take her phonecalls when they are at home with you etc etc

I am very angry indeed with the OW who has been involved in the destruction of my marriage and the happy lives of my DC.

I do not blame her, as such, I blame my H for letting another woman into our marriage in the first place.

I am extremely angry with him too.

OW was fully aware that H had a wife and DC, he never covered up that fact, and I met her just once many years ago.

OW has also destroyed the lives of her partner and his DC, she has no DC of her own. Although I do not know what their relationship was like, I have heard that he was devastated.

Between them they have done a lot of damage, but luckily I am not a bitter person and will manage, however, I do not know how I will feel when the day comes when she wants involvement with my DC, I will probably explode.