what about sisterhood?

[babehunmug]

Hi I'm fairly new here. I posted something about my DH and his OW and was surprised at a couple of replies that seemed to be saying its all DH's fault and that OW has not committed to me so don't blame her.

Now that has surprised me cos I believe in the sisterhood and have always steered well clear of married men or men that I know already have a partner. Why? because life is difficult enough without making it worse for a fellow(?)-woman. Before this OW appeared I always thought I wouldn't like this to happen to me so I'm not ever going to facilitate it for a man who might be tempted to cheat and cause pain and suffering to his wife/partner and children and all the other people that get hurt in the process.

Is there no more sisterhood?

What I don't get is how the ow thinks that in enabling a man lie and cheat his wife and children, that she is blameless!? oh well I am sure her friends will get off on the drama's of the ow's live, and laugh behind her back and say all the right things, and then sit with tissues when the man cheats on her, and again have a great laugh at her behind her back, they are tragic people ow, the sadest really no life of their own often, living off others and sucking goodness to make badness... tragic people really, hate her as much as you need to, she is full of evil anyways, and always will be!

the bitterness will go partytime when they stop trying to hurt you, the anger is what you need to get throught he mess they have made of your life!

It is the husbands that deceive, and so do these tarts who gain amusement from screwing someone elses husband.

Whats interesting is that it hadly ever works out , even when the original couple divorce. I suspect its because its not quite so thrilling once the excitement of getting one over on the wife has gone.

the getting one over on the wife can go on for years, mess with her kids, I know one who was not happy until she got all four kids to leave wife and move in with their dad and her!

Then there is the money stuff, oh it can go on and on and on for as long as she and hubby allow it to!

I just remembered another thing about ex friend who was ow, she used to moan that the wife never did the ironing, and then years later when she had the kids living with her, I saw stacks of ironing lying all over the place, it made me giggle to myself! she was a wreck as she was scared he was cheating on her and degrading herself, having sex with him in the toilets etc, to try and stop him leaving her! lovely life eh!

The thing with my DC is that they are 'almost' adults, late teens, and as such can make their own minds up about OW.

I have not influenced them in any way, I have not called her names in front of them, I have asked them to make their own decisions in a way that feels right for them.

They are both extremely angry with OW and have reused to have anything to do with her, they maintain a dignified relationship with their Dad, and I am very proud of them for that.

The flip side is, that H and his OW have not witnessed the tears or had the late night phone calls while they struggle to come to terms with what has happened.

Generally speaking, given that the DH is lying through his teeth to his wife in order to get his end away, do you really think he's not also lying to the OW about his relationship with his wife? IME men who cheat, cheat the OW too into thinking they're just separated, or in the process of trying to leave a hideous bitch, or not married at all, etc.

The problem is that you can't know on what grounds the OW entered into a relationship with your DH in the first place, and you have no way of clearly finding out, because guess what your DH is a proven liar. She could be as innocent as you are (or, of course, she might not be, but you can't know for sure). That's one reason why it's a waste of time to direct any of your anger at the OW.

The other is that blaming the OW is usually a way of deflecting your anger away from the person who has actually harmed you your DH. And possibly a way of deflecting blame away from yourself, because and please don't flame me here -- even if you are genuinely entirely blameless, there will always be a subconcious niggle that he's played away because you're not good enough or you've done something wrong. Much easier to blame the nasty harpy man stealer who took advantage of your DH's good but weak will.

(Not, I hasten to add, that I'm sympathetic to OWs who DO know the man's married -- it's always a despicable thing to do; totally wrong.)

Some women are predatory, I don't care who disagrees! They seem to have some sense of entitlement to any man, regardless of whether he has a partner.

Men who shag around/have an affair are absolute scum and despicably spineless in their inability to make a clear and considered choice (to end their relationship rather than sidle out on the back of an affair or both have and eat cake).

They aren't poor creatures who are tricked or fooled into an infidelity but some women do seek out men who have partners and some just do not care who or what they destroy in taking whatever's on offer.

Makes me sick to see OW/OM being absolved of blame. Rubbish! If they knew the M/W was otherwise involved, they'd steer well clear if they had an ounce of compassion or common decency.

Grrr!

bhm, there are still many of us who would always avoid hurting another woman and family.

The woman with whom X#1 had the final affair had gone out of her way to make friends with me. I found that despicable as, unlike his other dalliances, she evidently knew he was married and was getting extra kicks out of stringing me along (or else why do it?) They didn't last.

I believe she's unusual, though. I'm sure many others think they're having a one-night stand and then find it develops. But most OWs are, I think, misled - at least until they're in quite deep. X#2 told his next victim he was divorced when we'd only just separated and were still living under the same roof: he guessed, correctly, she wouldn't have gone out with him if she knew the truth.

I loathed that divorce#1 woman for what she did to me. Not for breaking up my marriage: XH did that all by himself.

OW knows and knew that he is married and with a DC.

I agree DH had the choice to refuse and he has broken his marriage vows + my heart. He is definitely in the wrong and no way am I gonna let him off the hook.

What I was trying to say is I got the impression that some women think she hasn't actually done anything wrong but my view is that as a 'sister' there is a loyalty owed to the 'sisterhood' i.e. don't go with married men or men in a steady relationship.

There is a sisterhood. It usually consists of a group, or, should I say, 'pack' - of moralising, interfering women, who are all too keen to place the onus on the 'other woman', rather than the twit man, who causes all the misery in the first place.

'Sisterhood' has never done me any favours.

Try; there should be a humanhood?

View from the other side here.

I'm an 'ow' for now, unintentionally, I met a guy and we got on well and things mushroomed.

I've always been aware he's married and no it didn't stop me. It almost stopped me, I took a few days out early on to really think about things, and eventually decided to continue with what had so far developed, on the grounds that I'd rather have the experience of him for however long it lasted, than not have it at all.

I know nothing about his wife and don't ask. I wouldn't presume to ever be able to understand the intricacies of their relationship and why he is dallying about with me. I'm also under no illusions about where this is going (nowhere) and when he'll leave his wife for me (fifth of never).

I've never done this before and in the future would stop myself before I got in too deep. But I do love this man - this lying, cheating, adulterer. It's not logical but I think it's because we only have half a relationship, I only need to love half of him. Which is the bit that spends one or two days a week with me and is a really great guy during that time.

As for blame: I'm sure his wife would want to scratch my eyes out if we ever met. Day by day however I don't think much about her. He doesn't 'slag her off' to me in fact he talks about her with obvious regard, there is not even much wrong in their marriage, from what I can make out (though as I said we do not discuss it). He doesn't make promises to me, I do not like 'drama' as you put it, steer well clear of any risk, and in fact I have only told one close friend about who I'm seeing and we don't chat about it much. I have no bad feelings towards his wife and don't want to 'get one over on her' in fact I'd rather I didn't, he's got a great family, great house and job, I'd hate to be the one to 'help' him lose all that. And no, I don't want to move in with him and take over where she left off. I've got one dc and we've got our own little life ticking over miles away from where he and his family are and I'm glad to keep that separate.

Also, I'm well aware that he and I have little in common beyond the romance that's keeping us together for now. He and his wife have a long marriage and from the little I know about them both, seem well enough suited and contented enough for that to endure til the end.

If this was a single guy we'd have had a shorter relationship which burned out sooner on the grounds that we have few shared interests. As it is, because we don't see each other much and because we are each feeding the other's need for romantic attention, I guess, the whole thing is being strung out over a longer period of time. Quite a lot of the attraction is having someone with whom one can laugh and forget real-life troubles. Don't underestimate the lure of that to people who don't already have it.

Also don't assume that the OW is always a plotting hyper-sexual seductress who wants your life for herself. Sometimes she's just fallen for the wrong guy, however stupid and unethical that might be, and has decided to be selfish and wallow in the small joys he brings into her life for a while. I know our 'thing' is going to end and I'll be sad (for myself) when it does, but I know I'll be able to look back on it as an intense and passionate few months with a man who made me feel special and loved, and that feeling is quite honestly enough for me to shelve my own sense of sisterly solidarity.

OW.. I would implore you to please put an end to your relationship NOW.

Don't fool yourself that it's not having an impact on his marriage.. he'll be distancing himself from his wife, being moody and snappy with her, picking faults - this might be unconscious on his part but she'll be wondering what the hell is wrong with him and why he's behaving like that.

The children will be sensing that all is not well too, and that of course will impact on them.

Eventually the wife will work out what's going on and then the shit will hit the fan and you'll be discarded like an old pair of skiddy pants.

So for your sake, but moreso for his wife and family.. dump him now

A close friend of mine was an OW for a while. To be fair she didn't know he was married when they first got together, though I think she did have an inkling. The rationalising she did was astonishing. She seemed quite convinced that she was a friend of the marriage, because "even though" she knew the wife slightly and could confirm that she was cold, unloving and didn't take good care of herself (skinny figure, dry-wrinkled skin), she (OW) encouraged MM to stay with her (the wife) and reminded him that his obligations to the children took priority. Damn' good of her, I said sarcastically. Conversely she wasn't taking anything away from the wife because after all, if MM was travelling on business, wife was off seeing parents etc, they couldn't get it together anyway could they? So why shouldn't OW fill in the gap? After all it would only hurt the wife if she knew.

On one occasion when the wife was away for the weekend, they shagged in the marital bed. That one left me with my jaw dropped so far to my chest that I couldn't even get out the word "disgusting", but it wouldn't have got through to her whatever I said. I did make it quite clear that if she ever turned up on the doorstep with said fellow in tow, he would not be allowed across the threshold. She was quite surprised and hurt, but she knows I can be a bit funny about things for no apparent reason so she didn't press the point.

I have mentioned on another thread the time the wife showed off what an unreasonable creature she was by coming over all jealous at a party when MM was behaving too friendly to another woman. The fact that the woman he was behaving too friendly to WAS, in fact the one he was having an affair with, was not the point apparently!

Eventually OW fell for MM in a big way, then he turned up on her doorstep when his wife chucked him out. You've guessed it; within a couple of weeks he was "needing to get his head together" and next thing was out with somebody else. A few months ago he contacted my friend again with an offer to go swinging with him and current GF, which she declined. She told me about this indignantly, "thought he'd know me better than that" etc! I'm afraid I had to say that it was not surprising he might have expected her to be up for that sort of thing.

Yes we are still friends. There's a lot of history between us and she has been very kind over the years, to me and others. Can't get my head round her moral compass though.

Yes OW dont delude yourself you are causing untold pain to the wife and any children - they are suffering and sad. Stop being selfish and end it.

Also my OW is just as much to blame as H. She enticed him while I was looking after our new baby. She was at our wedding and is regarded as a friend. Her H previously cheated on her and she really suffered and looked for sympathy and support from everyone. She then turned round and did it to me. What a low life!

I felt slightly queasy reading the OW "view from the other side". It just reeks of selfishness and lack of empathy. Horrible. (And I don't give a shit about being judgemental, there's something pretty vile about knowing you're damaging someone else's life like this and not giving a damn so long as you have a nice time.)

Cross-posted with endedupanOW.

"I'd hate to be the one to 'help' him lose all that"

But that's just what you're doing. OK, he bloody deserves to lose it all, while you'll walk off scot-free (in economic if not emotional terms), but I should jolly well hope you would hate your own part in it. And not thinking about his wife and children doesn't mean they don't exist. You may not be a bad person overall, but you are currently doing something which is wrong and risky for short-term gratification. It is NOT just yourself who stands to get hurt in this situation. Just because you want something does not mean you should necessarily have it. I want that Porsche, but if I grab it there will be consequences. There SHOULD be consequences. Because if everyone does what they want to, when they want to, civilisation breaks down. That's what the Ten Commandments are all about, you know; it's not just a religious thing.

Am I the only one who wants to slap Whitney Houston when she sings Saving All My Love For You? "Cos I'd rather be home feeling blue..." Yes, maybe YOU would, love, but I bet his wife wouldn't! GET - A - GRIP!

The other woman has done wrong. It's not sisterly to have relations with a married man.

However what quite a few wives do is take their pain out on the OW, thereby shifting the responsibility away from their husband.
The H is the one who ultimately has to answer to you, and is ultimately to blame for his cheating.
If you don't accept that, you're then heading into the rocky ground of: my-H-is-innocent but-was-led-astray-by-an-evil-temptress type thoughts. That's just denial.

swallowedAfly..

not sure who your post is too - don't think its me is it?

akhems he'll be distancing himself from his wife, being moody and snappy with her, picking faults - this might be unconscious on his part but she'll be wondering what the hell is wrong with him and why he's behaving like that.

• you summed up exactly DHs behaviour towards me when all this started about 4 years ago now - I put it down to work stress - now that I know everything fell into place - years of heartbreak

menopausemad...
yes you are right there should be a 'humanhood' x