Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How is Sykes!

170 replies

ForestFly · 08/07/2003 23:29

Not been here for a month! Trying to live a normal life as a singleton! Wondering how the lovely people are that gave me such good advice, M2T etc... all of you!!! Where has the mums arms gone? Still gutted, but have a grip on it

OP posts:
Blu · 08/10/2003 14:41

Hmmm, are you sure it will benefit him and her? there's nothing like having to negotiate a relationship round someone else's children to cool the ardour of a footloose floozy! Harder for them to gallivant off for weekends if he has regular responsibility for two children! These are the thoughts of my inner-vixen, and as you are so clearly acting with absolute integrity and your first thought is for your DDs you will not want them to be used in any way. But it did cross my mind when you posted earlier about your ex's weekends, that life wouldn't be such a ball for 'her' if he had committments to the children at w/e's! I am afraid I have had friends who have been in the role of marriage-wrecker, and had even less sympathy when they started to make subtle complaints about 'His' committment to children which eventuaqlly led to a cooling of the relationship. On the other hand, painful as it most certainly is, it is a situation that is going to have to be faced at sometime or another, and if she is capable of understanding that your DDs will always be a priority to your ex, she will always act appropriately to them.
So, so sorry you are having to go through this.

sykes · 08/10/2003 14:49

Thanks. Just don't want to cause the girls any more hurt at the moment. I do realise it's about me as well but really can't face the thought of them taking them swimming/"family" days out etc. I just feel that we've all been deprived of our basic rights. My dds particularly. It's just too easy to put self-gratification first rather than prioritising your children. Of course some relationships should finish but I rather think we were both rather too self-absorbed and selfish and didn't realise what we had and how lucky we were before it went.

Blu · 08/10/2003 21:40

Yes, the idea of a 'family' day out must be truly horrible to you, and whatever your DDs do or do not feel, or even realise, they are NOT 'her' family. Also, not wanting him to be able to kid himself that everything is all falling nicely into place, la di dah. Hope I didn't seem too crass I didn't mean to be. You sound so strong and sound in the protection of your children. They are very lucky to have you.
Hugs.

doormat · 09/10/2003 09:13

Sykes I am glad he has backed down for a little while but I agree with blu to a point.

My ex was with his "hussy" for 2 weeks when she met the kids. I was left at home with kids winging and whining all the time crying for their daddy.Because I could not cope with the crying my dad came over and seen the kids acting up and giving me a hard time. My dad asked the kids what do you want me and your mum to do. All the kids said was "see and stay with daddy".My dad packed their little bags and took the 4 of them to the doorstep and gave ex some money and said "here, the kids want you, give my daughter a break for 2 weeks.she will be up to see the kids during the week".My dad also told his floozy that they were his kids and he had a responsibility to them.
I visited the kids 3 days later and they cried and whined to come home. I told them that I was sick of the whingeing and they had to deal with the situation as me and their dad was not going to ever get back together.I took them home and I never got any of the hysterics again.They accepted the situation.At the time the kids were 11,10,5 and 2.
I was a right bitch to ex and floozy, I would send the kids down there for the weekend filled to the brim of smarties and other hyperactive sweets.I made sure that he was going to look after them and see them "warts and all". I went out to the clubs etc.I needed the break.He had his fun time during the week, I had mine at the weekends.When his floozy became pg he pushed my kids away and stopped contact. His floozy always came up to see the kids and we became friends and even to this day we get on very well.They split up 3 yrs ago and we still see eachother and talk on the phone.She is invited to every family function as like in Beetroots story in the magazine she has even asked me if anything happened to her would I look after her little boy to my ex.I said yes.

What I am trying to say here is to both you and forestfly and anyone else going through a relationship breakdown is you have to move on.I know it is hard but until you do you will never get any peace in your lives.The anger and the bitterness festers and your children can feel the bad vibes.I am in no way suggesting you do what I did as my situation was different.I was devastated when my dad did that to the kids but when they came home I had 4 children who came to terms with their situation.I hope a little of this helps. hugs to all of you xxx

sykes · 09/10/2003 09:39

Thanks, DM. I know I have to move on but it's so hard. However, in this spirit I invited him to dd's b'day party on Friday afternoon. And in a similar spirit sent a letter to his parents with updates re the children and some pics etc. My eldest dd wants him to be there, I don't, but it's what she wants that matters. I have taken some revenge, however, as have told him it's an animal-themed party dress, which it is, and Anna wants him to come as a pig. No fancy dress, no entry to party .... I'll post the photos. On another note had my car broken into last night so am stumped for transport and HE sent me a note this morning saying he's buying a house with HER and wants his name off the mortgage.

M2T · 09/10/2003 09:41

Sykes - He'll have to buy you out! He can't just remove his name from the mortgage!!!

There could be a bit of money in it for you.

LOL at the pig photos, how appropriate. Can't wait!

doormat · 09/10/2003 09:54

Sykes sorry about the car and the mortgage businees, he is really giving you a hard time isnt he. B**d.
It seems to me he is pushing you could this be his "floozys" doing.She could be nagging him behind the scenes.
BTW love the pig idea

sykes · 09/10/2003 09:58

He knows he can't just remove his name and, as far as I know, will still contribute to the MASSIVE mortgage. Intend to get as much equity as possible but he's talking about a legal contract spliting it ... must get my solicitor on to it. I have to agree to the mortgage thing so shall be my usual indecisive, pain in the arse self .... He is beinng so unhimlike, IYSWIM - he's normally so hesitant. He must be besotted. That makes me feel crap, but I guess I have to face the truth. There's also a clown at the party who wants to put a custard tart in someone's face. I think I know the very person ....

aloha · 09/10/2003 10:42

Sykes, you DON'T have to agree to anything! You were married so there are no 'rules' about how much each party gets. He certainly can't take his name off the mortgage - the mortgage company wouldn't allow it for a start. Your solicitor should explain that this can all be sorted by a judge as part of your divorce, and legally, anything could happen. You could even have the whole ownership of your home transferred to you, but your ex would have to continue paying all the mortgage - that's perfectly possible. It is extremely unlikely that the house will have to be sold as it is your dd's home. The courts may order that the house should be sold when the children are adults (eg out of fulltime education) and then your ex will be entitled to a proportion of the value then but not necessarily. Don't rush into anything and get on to your solicitor. DON'T sign anything drawn up by your ex!!

aloha · 09/10/2003 10:43

I think this guy needs a reality check!

sykes · 09/10/2003 11:00

Thanks, Aloha. I do realise most of it but feel rather stunned by the whole thing and think I'm being unreasonable in some way. It just seems so sudden to buy a flat and get out of the mortgage. Do you htink I should refuse to let him take his name off the mortgage as, I suppose, it could leave me legally obliged to fund the whole thing. His promise to continue making payments to me is just a promise. I don't think he'd do that but it just seems unfair.

aloha · 09/10/2003 11:06

You are so NOT being unreasonable Sykes! Anyway, do you earn enough for the mortgage lender to assign the whole loan to you anyway? Of course you shouldn't agree. This all needs to be sorted out as part of a proper legal agreement, in court, as part of your divorce. That means you sort out money for the children, who owns what of your joint assets, pension splitting, etc etc etc. You really must tell him exactly what his behaviour will lead to - actions and consequences and all that. He probably has a very rosetinted view of how his new life will be, and he needs to realise that leaving a wife and children involves being responsible for them for the rest of his life. Courts are becoming increasingly generous to divorced women. One man's just found he has to pay his ex wife half his salary forever! If he starts pushing things with you and trying to get you to agree to less than you and your daughters are entitled to, you just need to tell him that all financial matters will be dealt with by your solicitor as part of your divorce and to get his solicitor to write to yours.

aloha · 09/10/2003 11:08

If you think of your house as your daughter's home, you will see how unreasonable it is to allow him to wriggle out of his responsibility to house them.

aloha · 09/10/2003 11:10

Anyway, he can't possibly get a new mortgage yet. He has no idea of what his financial situation is - eg how much cash he will have after his divorce. Less than he thinks, I think. I actually disapprove of vengeance in divorce, but I also disapprove of someone leaving their wife and kids behind then trying to trick her into releasing him from his financial obligations to his family!

sykes · 09/10/2003 11:23

Thanks. You're right. I suppose he just wants to "move on". It seems really strange to me, however, to jump in feet first and complicate his life with yet more financial responsibilities.

aloha · 09/10/2003 11:29

As I said, I think he needs a reality check
You still want to be nice to him because you loved him and because he's your children's father. That's great, but don't forget self-preservation. That's really important too. Good luck!

sykes · 09/10/2003 11:31

Thanks. How do you give people reality checks? Can you buy them? Maybe a blinkered vision is a more attractive proposition.

aloha · 09/10/2003 11:57

Sykes, I think that by simply telling him he isn't going to be able to get that mortgage with the floozy by snapping his fingers at you, you can give him a nice free reality check as a gift!

Blu · 09/10/2003 15:06

Sykes, Sykes, SYKES! UNREASONABLE? I am in complete agreement with everything Aloha has said, and you seem to me to be the EPITOME of reasonableness in a very painful situation. The only thing I might add is that I would leave the hard facts of the reality check to come from your (and his) solicitors, and not get into the conversation yourself....otherwise he might take it as a personal revenge thing from you, and it will only start arguments on a personal level. Just acknowledge things that he suggests (like taking his name off the mortgage....what does he want you to do, adjust the paperwork with Tippex?)with "well perhaps the solicitors will look into the implications of that" and don't ever agree or disagree with any of his proposals.
Did your DD REALLY suggest a pig or was that a little poetic license of your own?

Blu · 09/10/2003 15:07

Sykes, Sykes, SYKES! UNREASONABLE? I am in complete agreement with everything Aloha has said, and you seem to me to be the EPITOME of reasonableness in a very painful situation. The only thing I might add is that I would leave the hard facts of the reality check to come from your (and his) solicitors, and not get into the conversation yourself....otherwise he might take it as a personal revenge thing from you, and it will only start arguments on a personal level. Just acknowledge things that he suggests (like taking his name off the mortgage....what does he want you to do, adjust the paperwork with Tippex?)with "well perhaps the solicitors will look into the implications of that" and don't ever agree or disagree with any of his proposals.
Did your DD REALLY suggest a pig or was that a little poetic license of your own?

sykes · 09/10/2003 15:12

Thanks, Blu. Well, I guess it could have been poetic licence re my dd as she's going as a pig and I thought (...) it would make me laugh, I mean it would be nice, if he went as one well so may have planted the idea in her head ... Juvenile? Yes, but I have to find humour somewhere. Thanks for the kind words, I just sometimes doubt what's reasonable/not. Mind you, I now doubt that I spent 13 years with some one I considered to be my best friend. I'll stop wallowing soon ....

sykes · 09/10/2003 15:14

Thanks, Blu. Well, I guess it could have been poetic licence re my dd as she's going as a pig and I thought (...) it would make me laugh, I mean it would be nice, if he went as one well so may have planted the idea in her head ... Juvenile? Yes, but I have to find humour somewhere. Thanks for the kind words, I just sometimes doubt what's reasonable/not. Mind you, I now doubt that I spent 13 years with some one I considered to be my best friend. I'll stop wallowing soon ....

sykes · 09/10/2003 15:14

Thanks, Blu. Well, I guess it could have been poetic licence re my dd as she's going as a pig and I thought (...) it would make me laugh, I mean it would be nice, if he went as one well so may have planted the idea in her head ... Juvenile? Yes, but I have to find humour somewhere. Thanks for the kind words, I just sometimes doubt what's reasonable/not. Mind you, I now doubt that I spent 13 years with some one I considered to be my best friend. I'll stop wallowing soon ....

sykes · 09/10/2003 15:14

Thanks, Blu. Well, I guess it could have been poetic licence re my dd as she's going as a pig and I thought (...) it would make me laugh, I mean it would be nice, if he went as one well so may have planted the idea in her head ... Juvenile? Yes, but I have to find humour somewhere. Thanks for the kind words, I just sometimes doubt what's reasonable/not. Mind you, I now doubt that I spent 13 years with some one I considered to be my best friend. I'll stop wallowing soon ....

sykes · 09/10/2003 15:16

Sorry - I do like to labour the point ..

Swipe left for the next trending thread