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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How is Sykes!

170 replies

ForestFly · 08/07/2003 23:29

Not been here for a month! Trying to live a normal life as a singleton! Wondering how the lovely people are that gave me such good advice, M2T etc... all of you!!! Where has the mums arms gone? Still gutted, but have a grip on it

OP posts:
expatkat · 19/09/2003 15:11

in there. Wish I could drop round and have a drink/chat/tea with you. Any nearby, real-life friends who can do that? Some distraction? Things sound stressful with work, ill kids; no wonder you wish you had H to take some of the weight off. Could you keep a journal of how you feel, a journal which could include stuff about the kid's development & what they do/say. You could this way chart the arc of your feelingsso maybe you can discover when you feel better vs worseand also have something for your kids to read one day, so they know what you went through and appreciate you all the more. Maybe a rubbish idea, but something I could see doing in a time of loneliness. I'm sure someone with some better ideas will respond soon. Cyber hugs.

expatkat · 19/09/2003 15:11

First bit of my message got cut off should read:
Sykes, hang in there.

sykes · 19/09/2003 15:24

Thanks. Am being rather wet and my sister is over from the US with her children - rented a cottage locally. I suppose sometimes you just think IT'S SO UNFAIR. And I just hate dds being so upset. One has chronic ezcma too and am worried it's stress-related. He will turn up at some point Sunday pm where I'll get hte chance to visit my mother in hospital (she has Alzheimers). I really am laying it on with a trowel .... I'll also go for a swim. Have great friends who visit a lot but not many locally apart from a v kind mumsnetter. I'm just really fed up and am struggling to see how I'll never not be tired in my life again. However, I do realise lots of people have it worse. SO I'll try to buck up.

Mo2 · 19/09/2003 16:28

Sykes - sorry to hear you're feeling down again at the moment. If you want to get out a bit locally - I'm just along the road and would like to try to help in some way. I'd be happy to meet up one evening, or at the weekend with kids (although mine are a bit younger I think - 4 and 1 )
We're often at Godstone Farm or Tandridge swimming pool?
PLEASE do drop me a line if I can help...

Big hugs
Mo2

sykes · 19/09/2003 16:34

Thanks v much. It would be great to meet up - I live in Godstone so also v close to the pool. I'll try to get your e-mail from tech - not sure how to do. My dds are nearly four (October) and nearly two (November).

Mo2 · 19/09/2003 16:59

That would be great Sykes! And our kids aren't that different in age (although both mine are boys...)
I'll e-mail you my details through contact another talker...

(Don't know if you remember, but we met briefly at the Old Bell meet up earlier this year? Hope to see you again soon?)

sykes · 19/09/2003 20:44

Yes, I do remember. My girls love boys so hopefully they'll get on. Thanks for the very kind thought.

Original poster
forestfly · 19/09/2003 20:49

Hello Sykes, sorry no email anymore cant access it but have been thinking of you X

OP posts:
winnie1 · 20/09/2003 10:09

Sykes... I recently read diaries from the time I split up from my daughters father and it was interesting to me that I would have really up days when I was so glad to be rid of him despite the difficulties of being a single parent with a child who desperately wanted to see her Dad and then I would have terrible, terrible low days when I would (in my head) forgive all of his bad behaviour (absolving himself of his responsibility towards his daughter,violence and affairs to name only three)... I'd decide that I couldn't live without him etc., etc., and sink into a fit of despair. The next day or next week, usually because he had not turned up to see dd or something I'd be back to the glad to be rid but still broken hearted headspace. This roller coaster went on for sometime. Now I see him once every few years, hear about him on the grapvine, and wonder how I ever spent so many years living with this man (he has no contact with his daughter which has been his choice and something I do feel unable to forgive him for). But what I am really trying to say Sykes is that how you are feeling is completely normal. You will have good days and bad days. You will desperately want him back. Don't beat yourself up about it. Be kind to yourself. It does get better (and I know I've said that before to you). Best wishes, thinking of you, Winniex

doormat · 20/09/2003 10:18

winnie you are so right.
Sykes and anyone else going through this do yourselves a favour and invest in a diary like winnie says.
Hope you are all ok. Hugs to you all.
Keep ya chins up girls.

Original poster
forestfly · 20/09/2003 13:33

Thanks for that winnie, its nice to know what im feeling is normal too

OP posts:
sykes · 22/09/2003 10:11

Thanks. I did think it was normal but it doesn't seem to help sometimes .... He's cracking on with his new relationship and I'm stuck in no man's land. I also see him about five times a week because I do encourage a lot of contact with dds -so difficult to forget about him. He also seems so s*dding happy. At the moment all I can think of is no more family celebrations (christmas, birthdays etc), but lots of single parent holidays/days out. Lucky old us. How are you ForestFly?

sykes · 08/10/2003 13:16

Advice needed please. My h (who left four months ago) wants to introduce my dds to his new partner. The thought makes my skin crawl and I thought we'd agreed that the relationship would have to be established for a year before this happened. I'm quite aware that legally I probably don't have a leg to stand on but my solicitor seems to think that I might be able to prevent it happening. Finding out. Am aware that this is mostly about me but it is also about my dds. They're confused/upset enough as it is and I personally think it's not a good idea and have been advised by counsellors that it's not. But it will happen at some stage and how can I be big enough to deal with it? I also need to vet her before she meets my dds. Please help.

beetroot · 08/10/2003 13:18

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sykes · 08/10/2003 13:22

The affair started last October. He left for one night, came back until Christmas then left on Boxing Day. I fled to San Francisco with dds and he begged us to come back. We did he stayed until May. So, I suppose on and off for over a year. But living with her and officially left since May.

beetroot · 08/10/2003 13:28

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Original poster
forestfly · 08/10/2003 13:34

Sykes im so sorry hes pushing you to do this , you have enough to think about. If i were you id make an appointment with your health visitor. Ive just been because i felt maybe i could damage my ds's without the proper advice. I wish i could help but i dont know what the answer is. I have decided after talking with the h.v. that i am not letting my boys stay over night. He can visit them here until i can trust his consistency. I feel a lot better now, you know somethings not quite right but i needed to know i wasnt hurting them more. Remember these are all your decisions and know one can push you into a situation your not happy with. Maybe its time they met her, and you can all move on.

OP posts:
M2T · 08/10/2003 13:35

Sykes - Does the young whippersnapper want to meet the children? She maybe just wants to play with their Barbies!

Seriously though, if you think they will get on and that your ex is going to stay with her I think maybe it is time to drop the barrier a littel bit. Good luck, I know it's hard.

aloha · 08/10/2003 13:47

If he wants to introduce her to them I strongly suggest he does something like take them to the park and just introduce her as a friend and not act like a couple in front of them yet. If they did something low key, like feed the ducks together and kept it very casual it might work. I think she shouldn't be introduced as daddy's girlfriend yet and they certainly shouldn't be kissing etc - could you talk to him and ask exactly how he intends to introduce her and how he plans to describe her to the girls? If he is going to stay with her then I suppose you do have to do it at some point and at the moment it is just hanging over you. My dh's ex left him for another man when their daughter was two, and she accepted her mother's boyfriend well, particularly as he was just 'mummy's friend' at first. I'm sure that isn't what you want to hear, but from what I gather it didn't upset her any more than her parent's split did. You won't be single forever either - even if it feels that way right now.

beetroot · 08/10/2003 13:49

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winnie1 · 08/10/2003 14:04

Sykes, I completely and utterly understand why this makes your skin crawl and it is as much about your dds as it is about you. And you are right to be concerned. With his track record who is to say this won't be the first of a string of girlfriends (he's cheated on you, he could cheat on her too). In an ideal world leaving it a while and being initially introduced as a friend of their fathers would be the best way to approach this but unfortunately in reality in his care you have no control on where he goes, what he says or what he does. Any agreement he makes with you he may break anyway. My advice would be continue exploring the situation legally as you are doing but prepare yourself for the girls meeting her and being told who she is to him. This is all so unfair (particualrly as he agreed not to push this subject yet) and once again you will find yourself having to pick up the pieces. They may be fine but of course they may not. The only thing I can say is playing happy families with his new girlfriend will not be all he thinks its cracked up to be particularly if he handles it badly. Not much help I am afraid, just sympathise greatly.

sykes · 08/10/2003 14:12

Thanks to all. He's backed down for the moment. I realise it MAY have to happen at some point but if I'm not ready to handle it I can't see it would help anyone, apart from him and her. He did say that she'd be introduced as a friend but I still find it sickening. Anyway, managed to avoid the issue for this year, hopefully. He's actually rather scared of me so I can't see him doing it unless I agree. I've also said I have to vet her first. Why would I let a marriage-wrecker loose on my children? I'll vet her in the company of a male friend at some point.

Original poster
forestfly · 08/10/2003 14:14

Good Luck.Glad hes backed down for a bit x

OP posts:
sykes · 08/10/2003 14:24

FF, how are the boys coping? And you, of course.

Original poster
forestfly · 08/10/2003 14:29

Getting there, im more up than down. Until i see him or speak to him that is. The issues never seem to stop though do they! Im not being a great mum at the moment either there just never off me. Relly demanding and insecure. Oh well im sure we will gwt there in the end!

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