How is Sykes!

[ForestFly]

Not been here for a month! Trying to live a normal life as a singleton! Wondering how the lovely people are that gave me such good advice, M2T etc... all of you!!! Where has the mums arms gone? Still gutted, but have a grip on it

I'm obviously turning into a very hopeful person ...

Sykes, it now feels like a long time ago. (Although at the time I thought we would never get over it.) My daughter was nearly 3 and she's now 14 and the most level headed, compassionate, loving daughter any one could wish for. Keeping your head - when your heart is breaking - does work wonders in the end. Children really do draw their own conclusions as your dd has.
I often have to pinch myself as I am now happily married and have a ds too. (Once I'd never have believed I'd allow anyone that close to us again - and I didn't for a very, very long time). You are being amazingly strong. Feel proud of yourself for coping and don't be hard on yourself because you have times when you don't cope and it is all too much. One day you will wake up and it won't be the first thing you think about. Winniex

Thanks, again, Winnie. Am SO glad it's all worked out for you and your dd, she sounds lovely. The thought of anyone new in our lives is so far beyond the realms of possibility that I can't imagaine it every happening. Then again, I couldn't imagine losing my h, formerly my best friend, lover and father to my dds. Enough said - on with the w/end and thanks - lovely to hear a happy story.

Hope you had a good weekend Sykes. Really cheering to hear your experience Winnie - thank you.

Had a really good w/end. Learnt how to map read - well sort of - at long last. It was really nice just to be with the girls and they had a great time. We did the beach, the wild life park etc. Feel a lot better for some reason. How are you Bugsy? Hope it's going well. I'll e-mail you.

so glad you had a good time with your girls, sykes.

I suddenly remembered something from way back in my childhood. This is going back to the 1960 when apparently mothers had far less rights regarding keeping their children if they separated from the father. When I was around 4 - 6 years my mother and father were wanting to separate and both wanted to keep me. I have heard all sorts of stories from family members about the tension that existed and I do have vague memories about being hidden in a room by my mother every time we had a visitor at the front door, just in case it was my father. It's a very complicated story and I won't go into it. However I was so young when it happened that I have totally forgotten whatever I witnessed. It didn't cloud my childhood then and my memories are happy ones with a mother who really loved me.

Thanks, Tigermoth. We had a lovely time. Glad you have great memories of childhood.

Sykes, glad to hear you had such a good weekend.
Bugsy, how are you?

Sykes, glad to hear you had such a good weekend.
Bugsy, how are you?

Thanks for asking. Not good. Have found the summer holiday with no nursery school or work to escape to very long and taxing. Adore my children but their needs are all consuming and relentless (yes, I know, what did I think being a parent was all about). Anyway, have decided that I am definitely not cut out to be a SAHM, so I'm now hotting up my job search efforts.
On the relationship front things are bad there too. Despite me offering H every chance to come back and give things a go, he has not been able to jack HER in. His 'phone rang me by accident on Sat night while they were out to dinner together and I know that I should have immediately put the 'phone down but I was just immobilised with horror and some kind of morbid fascination and listened to 10 mins of his life with her. (Asking her if she was happy and saying how much he enjoyed going out with her and how many dinners they had enjoyed together - it was like being emotionally stabbed.) Then discovered that contrary to his protestations that he was going to have to spend most of the weekend working, he was actually having a weekend away with her. It just hurts so much. His current idea of parenting is 10 hours a week, if I'm lucky.
Can't see how we could possibly make a go of things now, as I'm struggling to find things to even like about him, let alone love. It is just a bit depressing to have to admit that its over.
Gloomy, gloomy, gloomy.

I'm so sorry, Bugsy. Can't access mumsnet at work at the moment. It must have been hideous and agonizing - I'd have done exactly the same. He's lying to you and using work as an excuse to see her and not see his children which is horrible. I just don't understand men at the moment. Am sure there are some wonderful ones somewhere but, ironically, I thought my h was one of them. How not true. Hope to meet up at end of September.

Bugsy, hope the w/end was okay. Are things any better? Can you try and get him to commit to a certain amount of childcare each week and weekend so you get more of a break after being at home all week?

I wonder what the other women think of their parenting skills or maybe they lie to them too saying you don't allow them to see their kids

I really don't care. And despite my anger etc I don't think my h would lie in that way. However, he never ceases to surprise me. But I don't really give two hoots what women who get involved with married men with small children think anyway. Think the women in question are starting from rather low morality perspectives/values in the first place. PS, have a great time this evening.

Not going tonight - too far for me.
I mean the women may not find them that great if they see how badly they treat you and kids (that's what I meant).

Sorry, sort of misunderstood. But I do think that if you're prepared to wreck a marriage and encourage someone/be a party to a father deserting two small children then you should be pretty much aware of the character you're getting yourself involved with. If you see what I mean? And surely the high-minded moral nonsense that it's the right thing to do because of such strong feelings must wear thin at some point? Sorry, just rather angry as I'm feeling better but my poor elder dd said she didn't think daddy loved her any more on Sunday. I have therefore asked him to put her to bed this evening and tomorrow evening and spend time with her chatting to her and reassuring her rather than just avoiding the issue/pretending it doesn't exist.

Hi Sykes, hope your own weekend was good too. Mine was OK but ended in confusion when H said he wanted to come home. This is of course triggered by the fact the SHE went back to the US today. He really must take me for a total mug. I am so angry. I now feel like the "bad guy" again by saying no he can't come home and that he needs to sort himself out. I really hate this all so much. I just cannot believe that I am in his horrible mess - I don't do mess. AAAHHHH - vast waves of exasperation.
Thanks for asking after me Batters.

Bugsy, I cannot believe your dh could actually suggest that. Quite right to say no way - you don't do mess. Well put.

It's one thing to give him a chance to come back if he is wavering, but if you're sure he's only suggesting it becaue this woman has gone back to The States, then that is the pits.

If he's so into seeing you all, can you suggest he immediately ups the time he spends looking after your children, because you want to go out to spend time with people who REALLY care about you? Make plans to go away for a weekend or something while he covers for you. That way he's more connected with his family (which has got to be good whatever happens) without you having to suffer.

Bugsy, don't know how I missed your post from last Wednesday! I am so sorry things are so awful. Tigermoths advice is really good. Some people are incredible!
Sykes, and Bugsy2, I so hope life starts looking up for you soon. You and your children deserve so much more. Winniex

Don't know what I'd do if I were you, Bugsy. I am now at the stage where I really don't think I want my h back at all. It took a long time to get here and I obviously still have moments where fantasy takes over reality but I don't think it would be the right thing for anyone. I'm actually enjoying my life again (mostly ..) and to go back to recriminations, weeks/months/years of angst of not being able to trust and the fear of if it did happen again how my dds would feel is not, I think, tolerable. However, your situation is different but I think he needs to spend at least several months on his own, proving his love for you and the children by visiting regularly and by his words and actions. Not just reverting to his old life by moving back in asap. That's the theorty but goodness knows how you make it work. Lots of luck and do what you feel is best for you and the children. Such a massive decision and so difficult. Hope to see you soon.

Bugsy Its good to hear from you, even if things aren't too bright at the moment. I guess it must take a long time to get used to both 1) being a single mum and 2) being a SAHM single mum, let alone putting up with such selfish treatment from your H. No wonder you are exasperated/ exhausted etc. I hope your little ones aren't feeling it too much. Though knowing what a 4 yr old is like, they don't miss a trick do they

I've also stopped work now, but my job was horrendous so am feeling quite nervous about the whole SAHM thing. If you ever fancy a mumsnet meet-up let me know!

Hello. Just feeling horribly down for some reason and would love some advice. May be due to intense pressure at work, 6 o'clock wake up calls with the dds, both of whom have been sick for the past few nights and the knowledge that my h is off for a wonderful w/end with HER - leaving me at home with no support. Let's just hope I don't get the bug. Wsa feeling so much better but suddenly feel very alone. Presume it's a rather complicated cycle as to how you feel. Anyone any advice to share - he left four months ago. Dds still missing him horribly. And, unfortunately, for some reason I am at the moment. V fed up.