How is Sykes!

[ForestFly]

Not been here for a month! Trying to live a normal life as a singleton! Wondering how the lovely people are that gave me such good advice, M2T etc... all of you!!! Where has the mums arms gone? Still gutted, but have a grip on it

Hello everyone , positive thinking is hard to keep up, ive been a bit depressed lately! My four year old boy has started getting upset, its taken him 7 weeks to realise whats happening he asks if Daddy doesn,t love him. Thet are with there father for a week now. I Know that sounds like a long time but i am knackered!!!! Missing them terribly and wish we were all still together, its a bit of a ridiculous situation! Take care all of you and i know we,ll all be happy again one day!

Sorry you're feeling depressed. I seem to get worse not better. Just had an e-mail from h talking about introducing my girls to his girlfriend. Have told him there's no hope in hell until they've been together for at least a year. This is after seeing me in bits last night because I'd struggled through the w/end surrounded by happy families (big thanks to Ruth - a mumsnetter for looking after us). Do men have NO sensitivity - ie next day send a note saying it would make his life logistically easier if the girls went to his flat and met Pam. Thanks. Would you like to rub my nose in it even further - ie you have your cosey days out and play happy families with your tart and my daughters. Do you not think they may find it rather worrying and unsettling when you only left us two months ago?

I know what you mean they dont seem to have any idea of the consequences of there actions. My X says helpfull things like, oh there fine stop worrying. He laughs a lot and still calls me by my "pet name" saying cheer up sweetie!!!!! He has given me no money, lives 400 miles away but bought me David Grey tickets for my birthday! He has NO idea of real life at home just now . Idiot!

Bugsy,

Don't have your telephone number at home or would call. I don't think I'm supposed to stick mine here/e-mail address so a bit stumped. Will try contact the tech thing but presume he/she isn't around. Hope to speak when back from France as I think you're out tomorrow and Friday?

I'd welcome any advice on how the following. I've asked H to come round this evening to discuss practical issues/the future. I'm afraid I'll just get v upset and end up crying and begging him to come home. Which may be what I want but is not very likely to happen. Does anyone have any useful advice? Relationships are very strained, I'm deeply unhappy as are my dds (sometimes) and I'm not coping very well with work - work full time in London with an hour and a half commute there and back. Don't know where my life is going and wonder whether there's any point in even attempting to talk to him.

Sykes, if you can't face it do you have to do it? Could you dicuss the practical issues on the phone or by email? I know it might sound impersonal but if you're worried that it will make you feel even more vulnerable and upset then maybe you should postpone/rearrange how it's done?

No, don't have to do it - it was my idea. It's probably a very stupid one but I thought it might help me "move on" because I'm stuck and can't imagine what on earth the future holds as I live very much in the past/the moment.

Do you just want to see H or do you really have things to sort?

Make a list of things to be discussed tonight. Have an idea of the sort of conclusions you want for these items.
Try to stay unemotional by keeping focused on these.
If you feel tears/anger coming try to leave the room long enough to catch your breathe.

Re your commute - can you move to be closer to work or change jobs closer to home? That commute is too long, esp as you are the sole carer of your dd's now. It's an extra hassle you don't need right now. Telling your H that you are considering moving might light a few fires under him.

Good luck tonight Skyes.

Do you think counselling (eg Relate) might help? They see people on their own all the time. I am so sorry you feel so sad. Perhaps with the help of sympathetic neutral party to talk to you could get some idea of what your options are in the future. In the immediate future you do have the right to ask your work to consider you going part time, eg reduced hours or 4 days per week. You'd be surprised what might happen if you ask - most employers know they have to say yes unless they have absolutely overwhelming reasons to say no.
You also need to get an idea of your financial situation re your house and maintenance. Have you spoken to a solicitor? If you get these issues moving it may help you think more positively about the future. Good luck.

Thanks, eefs. He does know I'm thinking about moving - we all were as a family in February. He just doesn't seem to understand what it means for his relationship with the dds - he thinks everything will be fine. And we're all so not fine. I've also got to view an advanced dementia home for my mother just before I see him so maybe the timing is not quite right ..... The thing is I want him to turn up with flowers and apologies on his knees begging forgiveness. And it's not going to happen so I'll probably just get really upset. AGAIN.

Thanks, Aloha. My office has been great but I've had SO much time off it's ridiculous. Intend to do a proposal re flexi time but it's all rather complicated as my old firm has been acquired by another firm which, not surprisingly, will be less sympathetic although have been understanding so far. Attempting to file a massive report which I just don't seem able to do. Expect redundancy as the next issue to contend with - think that happened to Bugsy as well. I think everyone is getting frustrated with me and expects me to move on. Have seen a solicitor and counsellor (organised by work - and paid for) but doesn't seem to help. I need to do more re this but am resting on my laurels as it all seems to just underline the fact that my marriage is most probably over. You see, I have to stick most probably in as I can't face the alternative which is the reality. I'm pathetic.

You are not pathetic at all - I so want to come and give you a hug - it has been so hard for me and I have a doting partner - I would be worse than you if I had to do it alone.

You sound like such a great person and you may not want to hear this but really he does not deserve you - start thinking how dare he treat you like this - not oh I really want him back, I know you might but one day it will all cease and you will be your old strong self again.

Maybe we should start a club for all women like us - a sort of First Wives thing - even though they have not got 2nd wives!!

Get in touch if you need anything - anytime whenever you are feeling shitty.

((((((( )))))))

Ah, well, didn't talk as dd wouldn't go to bed - probably for the best. He wants to reschedule - I think he's read too many management books. Feel okay, which is good. Thanks for support as usual.

Of course you are not pathetic! Do you know where you stand financially yet? Work may yet surprise you. If you make it clear that if you work flexihours your won't need to take time off they may well jump at it.
Keep well.

Thanks, Aloha. Work may be okay - I just get frustrated that I am so up and down - quite up now which is great. I must say half of me is tempted by a couple of months off and doing some great things with the girls, which they deserve. But what would I then do. Am getting to be rather fatalistic - if it happens it happens. But am well paid and usually enjoy my job. Off to the US for two weeks for Christmas to stay with my sister, am sure dds will miss daddy but I'll make sure we phone a lot and have a great time.

sykes, nothing to add, just sending you a hug.

Hi, just need a bit of support. Am feeling a bit low. Generally In am stronger. But my elder dd is having such a bad time, Wakes up every evening crying - LAST NIght from 3:30- 5. And really hit her daddy so hard this evening, according to my nanny. I hate it. Any advice?

Sykes, just going to bed and saw your message. I'm very, very sorry you are feeling bad and feel very much for your poor dd. I don't know what to say, except keep talking to her, tell her how much you both love her and that she'll always be able to see her daddy and her mummy, but they won't live together any more. My own parents divorced and I have read advice about children's emotions generally and it seems important not to say things like 'It's OK. You are Ok' etc, but instead to talk to them as openly as you can and try and reflect their emotion back so they feel understood. Eg. You sound very sad. This is hard for you isn't it?' You might even try saying things (asking questions) like, 'Maybe you are cross with daddy" if that seems true to you, or even " Maybe you are cross with mummy and daddy because we don't live together any more. Is that true?'. try to find out her worries - maybe she's scared her dad will forget her? And suggest she comes up with her own 'solutions' - like how much would she like to see daddy/talk to him on the phone whatever it takes to make her feel more in control (I can't remember how old she is, sorry). Explain to her that it isn't her fault that this has happened, it isn't because of anything she did and that you and daddy are working together to make everything OK, even though you can't live together anymore - take the burden away from her. Kids can feel so responsible for this sort of situation. It is so unfair you have to take all the burden for this alone. I feel very cross with your ex that he seems to have walked away without even trying to foresee the emotional devastation. But remember, you will be closer to your dds and your ex will miss out in the long run. Have you thought any more about reducing your days/hours at work? It's an awful lot for you to be doing alone, I think. Heartbreak is the most terrible feeling, and to feel it while trying to be strong for your babies must be hell. But one day it will pass. And with your love and support your children will come through this. And also I think trying to keep the day to day things really normal can help. I think you are doing fantastically and I hope that your dd will sleep well tonight, and that you do too.

Thanks, Aloha. I do ask my nanny to let elder (nearly 4) call him whenever she wants to - and me at work and let the younger one say hello as well. Also, do tell her it's not her fault and when she is angry tell her that's okay and do try to talk to her, but she seems to be getting worse. Her nightmares are awful. We had lunch at the w/end with friends and I was talking about her sleeping in my bed and saying it was my fault when she very clearly said: "It's not your fault, mummy, it's daddy's", so she seems quite clear. H has two days off work and I suggested he spend some time one-on-one with elder dd - swimming or something, which he is doing. But why can't he figure it out?

I'm sure there is nothing you can do to prevent them feeling grief and anger. Sadly, it seems you seem to have pretty much the whole job of helping them through it. I suspect it will take time and I'm sure you are doing a brilliant job - esp by allowing her to express her feelings and reassuring her. I can't imagine you could do anything more. And yes, you would think he could work out that two days off should equal more time with his kids.

your dd sounds so thoughful for a not yet 4 year old, sykes. Aloha's said it all really. You seem to be doing all the right things and showing your dd how much you love her. Do any counsellors specialist in grief counselling for children? Is that an avenue you could explore? that's all I can suggest, I do hope your dd soon sleeps better and you have happier times ahead.

Thanks. I'm seeing a family therapist next week so hope that will help with helping dds. Am very annoyed as I asked h to spend time one-on-one with elder dd today in addition to usual hour or so with both of them. His idea is to take her out for an hour swimming. I meant about three hours so she really relaxes in his company - ie lunch after swimming so they can talk. Not too much to ask as I've decided to take the girls away for the w/end to the coast - staying on a farm, beach just a few miles away. Thought it would be nice just the three of us rather than staying with friends when you can get distracted. Supposed to be talking to h this evening but really don't want to spoil the w/end so will cancel again. But why couldn't he spend the morning/afternoon with dd? He's got the whole w/end to do whatever he wants to do.
Just hope the traffic isn't too awful on our way to Dorset. Thanks for messages.

Sykes, you really are doing all the right things. I do feel for you and your girls. I had to deal with one small child not understanding or wanting her parents to seperate and it's hell. I hope you have a lovely weekend and although it is terribly, terribly hard I would say the fact that you are choosing to take your children away on your own (rather than to friends) is a very big and positive step. It really, really does get better. Thinking of you, Winniex

Sykes, you really are doing all the right things. I do feel for you and your girls. I had to deal with one small child not understanding or wanting her parents to separate and it's hell. I hope you have a lovely weekend and although it is terribly, terribly hard I would say the fact that you are choosing to take your children away on your own (rather than to friends) is a very big and positive step. It really, really does get better. Thinking of you, Winniex

Thanks, Winnie1. Have you been in a similar situation? If so, hope it's worked out well for you. I hope the girls enjoy the w/end, will make every attempt to ensure they do. Hope all on mumsnet have a good w/end.