SAHM vs Working. My husband wants it all his own way

[hungrierhippo]

To be brief. We moved out of London when I had DS2. I had a well paid job which I did part time after DS1 was born. It is very London centric but we both agreed that we thought it was better for the children if we moved out of the city (bigger house, garden etc).

Before we moved DH said that he would support me if I didn't want to work while my children are young, or I could set up my own business, do freelance etc and it would all be rosy.

As it was, the recession took hold and we didn't end up with quite as much money as we thought we would (low price on house sale etc, still have big outgoings.

However, I am becoming increasingly exasperated at DH's attitude to me working. He obviously works full time and also does bath time, cooks evening meal and gives me a lie in at the weekend so he is not totally abdicating.

However, he has said repeatedly that I need to earn money as we don't have enough. He pays all the bills but not the food or any of DSs costs. I cover these with what money I earn or (if I'm not working) it comes out of our savings.

It angers me as he still has £700 a month left over while I'm dipping into our savings. His answer is that I can work if I want to have more money. I have been doing freelance work so this has actually been fine. He still does the whole 'you're spending my money' whenever I buy something he doesn't think is essential though even when it's not his bloody money.

However in reality, he doesn't actually want me to work. I was going to do a part plan thing to earn some extra cash but he said no as it would put to much pressure on him as he would have to put children to bed when I was doing it.

I am building some freelance work but it does involve trips to London (an hour away). However last night he said that I was being unreasonable for asking him to drop DSs off at the childminder so I could get an early train. He said it was my responsibility to sort the kids out as he was the main breadwinner and it was unreasonable of me to arrange a meeting that meant I had to leave the house at 7:45.

When I said that I couldn't do my job without doing London trips about twice a month he said that I would 'just have to find another job then'

The fact is, I'm happy (in the short term at least) to run the house, and look after the children but (As he reminds me constantly) we don't have enough money for that.

I always used to earn more than him and I actually think he wants me to give up on my career entirely and get a low paid job.

Sorry that wasn't brief at all was it.

I know he's being completely unreasonable but I'm just getting so worn down by it all.

I need strategies people!

not another one !

I dunno where to start with this, so I am just going to go and walk away...

so many things wrong here

sorry, OP, some other more patient souls will be along at any moment

We've never been one for collective money. We have a joint account that we used to both put money into but now he's the only one who does. But the amount he puts in covers the bills and nothing else.

I have no idea what he does with his £700 a month. He says he needs it to cashflow his expenses but he never seems to grasp the fact that his expenses are then reimbursed!

It's not the money that's the issue to be honest. he's terrible with money so I'd rather it wasn't all put in one pot.

It's the fact that he wants me to work but for it to have no impact on his daily routine that gets to me.

He did agree to drop them off in the end but there was much huffing and puffing and disapproving "just this once" kind of statements.

It was because he also had to drop them off yesterday, when he was working from home, they were already dressed and bags packed when I left and DS1 had been begging him to take him to school for ages.

Grrrrrr

I never fail to be amazed at the fuckwitted twats you hear about on MN.

What happened to marriage as a partnership of equals? I can't give you strategies other than you doing the whole "this is what a childminder/cleaner/gardener/accountant would cost you if I got hit by a bus" spiel, because he doesn't sound to me like the sort of man who is ever going to realise the error of his ways. He wants to have his cake, eat it and then ask for more, doesn't he?

Money/work issues aside, are you happy together? Do you love him?

can his £700 left over go towards paying a nanny??

How can you have a marriage like that? whats his money is his money and you will know about it? You cant live like that!

A marriage is about share and share alike. My husband is the main bread winner, i choose to stay at home for the time being mainly due to the cost of child care. But he doesnt say to me, thats my money do not food, or pay bills etc etc. He earns the money but i use it by the weekly shop or pay the phone bill or the rent etc etc.

Your husband is just a being a twat by the sounds of it.

so you have to buy family food and pay for your son out of your savings?
i would stop buying food for him.
i know thats not helpful but i cant beleive i just read that.
hope you can sort it out x

oh God, no. There are still men like this?

Demand a wage for housework and childcare out of his £700. And demand he pays half of the dses' costs. Or ditch him and marry someone who is not a wanker.

I do love him, but I am getting tired by it all.

All of these things were fine in our twenties but now they are just trying. I also feel that I gave up the career and city that I loved in some kind of deception. That's not how it was in reality but it does feel like that sometimes.

I have a lot of savings (inheritance) so his argument is that I should be using that to fund my stay at homeness.

As I said, I would rather not rely on someone for money and would much rather earn my own but, if that's the case, I expect him to share the burden of responsibility for the children.

So if you didnt have that inheritance, what would you use to fund your stay at homeness? He is been a dickhead - end of.

It is all wrong that you are using only your personal savings to fund you staying at home and caring for your shared children and doing housework for both of you.
Are they not his children? does he not make a mess in the house?
I'm just worried here that you are taking all the hit financially. No wonder so many women end up in poverty in old age. You have not only been the one who sacrificed your career but now you are giving up your savings - basically you are paying and paying and paying again and giving up any personal financial security. DON'T DO IT! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

an inheritanc shouldn't be frittered away on day-t-day living expenses

it should be used to improve your life, invested, put away for your children's future etc etc

I bet whoever left you that money is spinning in their grave...

the thing is, this is even worse than the old-style way of doing things where the man earned all the money and gave his wife housekeeping. Talk about having his cake and eating it
How can this be happening after so many years of feminism?

Surely your savings are needed to bolster your diminished pension in latter years after the financial impact of staying at home with the children you had together??

What do you want to happen? What would be your ideal scenario?

Also, how long do you have until the children start school? How long do you think you can put up with his twattery?

OP...can you see 4 glaring things wrong here

1. you gave up your career...thus seriously compromising your future earning ability

2. you are using savings to live on...thus further compromising (1)

3. you share a life, a house and children with your husband...why do you not share finances ? Why is the money he earns his ?

4. he has a shockingly bad attitude and you are heading more and more into a very precarious situation as your savings dwindle away. I would not like to be at the finacial mercy of such a man

Very scary...and I see some serious problems ahead for you

If you went back to work full time and put the kids in childcare, would you be expected to pay for this out of your wages?

you are both insane

Your DH is wrong, wrong, wrong! I am considering giving up work to be a SAHM but am concerned about not having my OWN money. I am very independent like that. DH has given me a supplementary card and doesn't put a limit on what I can put on it but I like paying my own way and psychologically find it very hard to pay for anything on his credit card. He thinks it's weird I feel that way!

I don't think it's wrong to have separate accounts. We always have (from before we got married and never got around to changing it). For some reason, the mortgage and bill comes out of my account but DH puts in an amount every month to cover mortgage and house-related expenses. When we go out, he pays (I'm home on maternity at the moment). I cover the grocery bill on my maternity pay. I like having my money TBH. As long as I can fund myself, I will do so. But when I no longer have any income coming in, he won't have a problem with me spending his (he always says it's ours anyway!).

So you both agreed about the idea of you staying at home, but he needs you to do so without any cost to him....

I have no room to talk as I live with a dickhead, but money has always been ours and I have control of it.

I would book a nice holiday out of your saving for you and your son.

Oh no not another one!

OP you are not alone it seems there are a lot of women on MN in this position.

I am a bit AF with this one as I've said it so many times so apologies if I seem blunt

He is being an outrageously selfish bastard. He is showing you no concern, care or respect. he is treating you like shit, frankly.

What do you do?

Tell him that you are going to have a joint account, and all teh money wil go into it, and all expenses including bills, food, clothes, everything, will come out of it. If there a childcare costs they will come from there too. If there is any money left at the end of the month, it will go back into your savings account until that inheritance is intact again. Thereafter leftovers will go into a joint savings account and you will agree together what they will be spent on - holiday, treats, whatever.

Alternatively

Get a good full time job in your preferred career. Childcare expenses to be split fairly between you and him.

Alternaively

Leave him and move back to London

Alternatively

Stay as you are.

Am just and at your situation.

sorry but what kind of a partnership is this?

why is the inheritance "your" savings?

why is his earnings "his" money?

YOU ARE MARRIED
GET ONE ACCOUNT AND ALL GOES IN

agree what you're going to spend and stick to it like adults.
it doesn't have to be more complicated than that?
if you want to build up your business/freelance it is a joint decision and jointly you have to work out how to manage the childcare around both your jobs.

you need a total re-think and re-evaluation of how you operate as a family unit. otherwise you're heading for divorce courts if you want my opinion.

I'msonottelling has given you a good list of options. pick which you're going to do as all are valid.

I think you should consier moving back to London and going back to full time work at the earliest opportunity. I can't see how your relationship will ever be equal without it. At least then he can't pull a fast one of "your at home" and so must do all school runs and all nursery drop-offs. It is interesting how your tale reflects what I've heard from all my friends (women) who have given up their work to stay at home and who then finds that the equal partnership they had with their men doing at least some housework at home goes out the window and they turn into some 50s dad patriarch expecting supper to be ready for them once they return from the great world of work. My friends all mention a sense of feeling deceived, they didn't expect to be reduced to 'cleaner/cook/maid' and see their partners respect in them as grown women disappear. Obviously not the case for all SAHM (so don't bite me those of you who are happily at home with good men who support that choice).

As Sethstar mentioned your taking all the financial hits both by dipping into your savings and by not saving for a pension and adding to your attractiveness as an employee/consultant by not working. Frankly, your man sounds like the kind of bloke who would find fault with his living conditions whether you were working or not. I might be wrong of course or overly harsh but it also seems to me like he wouldn't be the kind of man who would be very fair to you financially or in any other way should your marriage fail. And where would you be then? With no savings/inheritance and gaps on your CV? Awful to think of the break-up of a relationship while your in it of course but its always foolish not too. Argh, I hope your able to give him a good kick up the backside!

Even if you don't want one account then put all money in one account. Mortgage, bills, shopping, kids activities come out of this, plus an amount into joint savings then remainder split equally into your own accounts.

this is the second thread about something very similar running at the moment

it seems to be rather common, certainly on MN