SAHM vs Working. My husband wants it all his own way

[hungrierhippo]

To be brief. We moved out of London when I had DS2. I had a well paid job which I did part time after DS1 was born. It is very London centric but we both agreed that we thought it was better for the children if we moved out of the city (bigger house, garden etc).

Before we moved DH said that he would support me if I didn't want to work while my children are young, or I could set up my own business, do freelance etc and it would all be rosy.

As it was, the recession took hold and we didn't end up with quite as much money as we thought we would (low price on house sale etc, still have big outgoings.

However, I am becoming increasingly exasperated at DH's attitude to me working. He obviously works full time and also does bath time, cooks evening meal and gives me a lie in at the weekend so he is not totally abdicating.

However, he has said repeatedly that I need to earn money as we don't have enough. He pays all the bills but not the food or any of DSs costs. I cover these with what money I earn or (if I'm not working) it comes out of our savings.

It angers me as he still has £700 a month left over while I'm dipping into our savings. His answer is that I can work if I want to have more money. I have been doing freelance work so this has actually been fine. He still does the whole 'you're spending my money' whenever I buy something he doesn't think is essential though even when it's not his bloody money.

However in reality, he doesn't actually want me to work. I was going to do a part plan thing to earn some extra cash but he said no as it would put to much pressure on him as he would have to put children to bed when I was doing it.

I am building some freelance work but it does involve trips to London (an hour away). However last night he said that I was being unreasonable for asking him to drop DSs off at the childminder so I could get an early train. He said it was my responsibility to sort the kids out as he was the main breadwinner and it was unreasonable of me to arrange a meeting that meant I had to leave the house at 7:45.

When I said that I couldn't do my job without doing London trips about twice a month he said that I would 'just have to find another job then'

The fact is, I'm happy (in the short term at least) to run the house, and look after the children but (As he reminds me constantly) we don't have enough money for that.

I always used to earn more than him and I actually think he wants me to give up on my career entirely and get a low paid job.

Sorry that wasn't brief at all was it.

I know he's being completely unreasonable but I'm just getting so worn down by it all.

I need strategies people!

DP and I have never had a joint account. BUT we share all the costs between us (both working). It works out that we're paying roughly the same percentage from each salary towards all costs. He earns more than me so while he pays more in costs, percentage wise it's fair. He's got quite some savings put by, and the way we're doing things means I'm able to put some by to save as well.

A joint account is not the only answer, but whatever answer you have, it should be a fair one, which I think DP and I have worked out over the years.

Thank you for all your replies.

DH and I did sit down and chat about it last night and it was all very grown up.

The upshot of it was that DH doesn't want all our money going into one account as he feels it would be difficult to keep track of where are spending is and he is still keen to keep separate accounts. I kind of agree with him on that or, at least, respect his point of view.

However, I did point out the disparities in our income and how I didn't have enough money to live on at the moment. I think he gets that now so he is going to cover the childcare costs, and has said that he will put more money into the joint account to cover DSs expenses (clothes etc). We agreed that I would still pay for the food as this makes sense as in the months where I have earned less we just have to eat more chick peas!

DH will also pay for holidays and all weekend expenditure (meals out etc).

We also discussed me being freelance and decided that I will reassess it in September (when DS1 goes to school) and if I'm not earning enough I should look for another job.

He says he has no interest in my savings being joint as they are my savings but has agreed that I shouldn't be spending them on day to day costs so I am putting them in a 3 year bond (with a bit left over for emergency funds)

I didn't tackle the childcare thing but I think he will come round if I just drip feed it in as an odd day here and there.

So I feel much happier (and solvent) and thank you all for your help and advice and for galvanising me into action. I'm sure without it the conversation would have ended in a row and we would be no further forward.

well done HH - glad you got a sensible and rational result out of it

good on you OP, glad you feel progress has been made.

i'm also an SAHM, it's such a minefield for resentments.

largely because, i think, the SAHM's nowadays often have had ten years or more of paid work behind them before they make the decision to stay at home at bring up small children.

what helps my situation is that I am very frugal with family money, my husband often has to convince me to outlay money on anything non-essential. i think that way he sort of trusts that i'm not going to spend the money he's earned without proper thought.

don't get me wrong though, often i want to give him a good slap upside the head when he makes out he's doing me a huge favour bathing our dd or making a meal.

gosh well done HH

good luck with everything

I have to be the doom-monger here and say that I still don't understand why you don't just get a joint account. Why doesn't he want to do that? That is what sharing and being life-partners and having children together is all about. Makes life so much easier, rather than this slightly juvenile and extremely complicated 'you pay for food, I pay for clothes' shenanigans. Just saying.

Zoop, they have a joint account as well.

As long as they both have spending money then it's a good start.

Am a bit concerned that teh OP pays for all teh food and if she runs out of money they'll eat less, and she preumaby will go without other stuff as well, while the DH still has his oodles of spare cash.

But it's still a million times better than it was before. So pleased the inheritance has gone into a bond.

Look, it's the O{'s life and if she has had a talk with her DH and sorted things outto her satisfaction, more power to her.

I just think that if one partner has £700 a month disposable income and the other has a variable, sometimes piffling, income from month to month, the fairest thing is to have a joint account. Otherwise, the 'poor' partner suffers - or the things she is responsible for buying suffer (chickpeas when she doesn't get paid much that month? Come off it!). She loses out on the months she doesn't earn that much. He still has his £700.

Doesn't make sense to me.

I know what you mean but DH did point out that £700 a month isn't all his disposable income, and now it will be less with the childcare costs.

Essentially we are going to see how it works or a few months then reassess.

Maybe a joint account will be the way ahead eventually but this is a start at least.

HH I think it's an excellent start.

Am so pleased that you will not have to dip into that lump sum any more.

Well done HH.

Did you discuss the twice monthly morning school run? Any progress? I think it would be very unreasonable (not to mention financially stupied) if he didn't agree to help with that.

I feel for your husband to be honest. It seems what money he earns should be spent on the family and the inheritance you have it your own. He has to work to pay the bills, meanwhile you want the choice of lifestyle. He is obviously drowning and all you seem to do is be moaning that you cant play make believe.
Why don't you try and share the finances more fairly. Start putting your family first rather than yourself.

ZOMBIE ALERT!

Cheese why don't check the date the OP posted before coming on here to mansplain exactly what OP should have done 7 YEARS AGO!!!!