SAHM vs Working. My husband wants it all his own way

[hungrierhippo]

To be brief. We moved out of London when I had DS2. I had a well paid job which I did part time after DS1 was born. It is very London centric but we both agreed that we thought it was better for the children if we moved out of the city (bigger house, garden etc).

Before we moved DH said that he would support me if I didn't want to work while my children are young, or I could set up my own business, do freelance etc and it would all be rosy.

As it was, the recession took hold and we didn't end up with quite as much money as we thought we would (low price on house sale etc, still have big outgoings.

However, I am becoming increasingly exasperated at DH's attitude to me working. He obviously works full time and also does bath time, cooks evening meal and gives me a lie in at the weekend so he is not totally abdicating.

However, he has said repeatedly that I need to earn money as we don't have enough. He pays all the bills but not the food or any of DSs costs. I cover these with what money I earn or (if I'm not working) it comes out of our savings.

It angers me as he still has £700 a month left over while I'm dipping into our savings. His answer is that I can work if I want to have more money. I have been doing freelance work so this has actually been fine. He still does the whole 'you're spending my money' whenever I buy something he doesn't think is essential though even when it's not his bloody money.

However in reality, he doesn't actually want me to work. I was going to do a part plan thing to earn some extra cash but he said no as it would put to much pressure on him as he would have to put children to bed when I was doing it.

I am building some freelance work but it does involve trips to London (an hour away). However last night he said that I was being unreasonable for asking him to drop DSs off at the childminder so I could get an early train. He said it was my responsibility to sort the kids out as he was the main breadwinner and it was unreasonable of me to arrange a meeting that meant I had to leave the house at 7:45.

When I said that I couldn't do my job without doing London trips about twice a month he said that I would 'just have to find another job then'

The fact is, I'm happy (in the short term at least) to run the house, and look after the children but (As he reminds me constantly) we don't have enough money for that.

I always used to earn more than him and I actually think he wants me to give up on my career entirely and get a low paid job.

Sorry that wasn't brief at all was it.

I know he's being completely unreasonable but I'm just getting so worn down by it all.

I need strategies people!

Sadly not uncommon IRL IME AnyFucker. I'll never forget a friend telling me she couldn't come out for a drink because she couldn't afford it as she'd already had to "borrow" some money from her dh to pay childcare fees

Why are there so many of these? Surely so many men are not such idiots, and so many women are not such doormats as to allow the situation to arise in the first place?

Don't people discuss finances both present and future before they move in together/get married??

In my former religious days I got married in church, and whilst I wouldn't want to do that again, one good thing was that we had to go on a marriage preparation course which was designed to get you to discuss things like attitudes to money, parenting etc. A pity there isn't a secular version.

just out of interest hungrierhippo - has he got more like this since you received your inheritance?

i would be v upset if dh considered an inheritance to be "his" money

one thing that worries me about this thread is that a man who doesn't even regard the children as his financial responsibility while you're still married and living together is highly unlikely to do so if you ever split up.
you could so easily end up in poverty with your children. It has happened to plenty of people on here.

what sethstarkadder said.

If he doesn't want to share "his" money and doesn't want to facilitate you earning enough money of "your own" then he should bloody well pay you money for keeping house and taking care of his children.

Fuckwit.

I've always had my inheritance to a certain degree. My Dad died when we were students and my mum died just after we got married.

We lived in my flat which I bought and then bought a house together (using the flat proceeds plus mortgage).

We are looking to buy a house at the moment but I'm reluctant to put any more money into our home at the expense of what, as you say, is my pension.

The trouble is, DH comes from a family that doesn't have much money so he can't see why he needs to fund me when I have £50k 'sitting in the bank'

You are right though, it wouldn't be so bad if DH wanted me to stay at home but gave me 'housekeeping' but he doesn't even do that.

And yet he was happy to live in the flat that you bought.....

don't use any more of your savings for anything

I think you may need it in the future < dark mood >

this actually reminds me WHY i'm happy to remain single and do the juggling act ALONE.......and marriage is something to be promoted??

op maybe show him this thread? do all his/your friends organise there lives this way too?

Its not just common on MN - I know more than one couple where the DHs put nothing towards childcare costs and don't get involved in dropping off and picking up.

Surely if you have a joint account for household bills food and childcare come out of that?

DH and I put everything in a pot and its ours. We have done this since we moved in together before marriage or DD. We pay for our life together.

We do have friends where the woman feels more secure having her own acccount (twunt of an ex) but they both pay enough into their joint account to cover all household expenses, cars, childcare, clothes for DC and a couple of nights out together a month. Then they have a bit for themselves for clothes, nights out etc. That seems to work for them.

I would be keeping very good books about what you contribute to the household and P60s and anything else that sheds light on your finances. Because when this gets too much, and it will, I have a feeling your DH will want to squeeze as much out of you as possible.

That £50K is help towards your kids uni costs, help with deposits, investment money, savings for retirement, it's a lump sum for important stuff.

It's not for frittering.

While I agree that family money is family money, I think that large lump sums from one side should really be spent in accordance with teh wishes of the person who received them IYSWIM.

I would not be pouring more money into a new house at the moment, i really wouldn't be doing that if I were you. It sounds like a terrible idea.

This is a very commmon situation. Two of my friends were/are in similar situations. One is having to use her redundancy money to pay for food shopping, day to day costs for the children etc. Her DH pays the mortgage and bills and doesn't give her any money, although it's OK for him to fritter money away on on-line gambling sites. When I asked her if she was pissed off with this she answered "well, it is his money, so I suppose he can do what he wants with it". FFS!

Another friend used to have to show her DH her food shopping receipt and he would give her a cheque for the exact amount. Needless to say they are now divorced.

i found that even if you work (have always worked full time) the woman's career often has to take second place to the mans. It used to make me absolutely sick and was not what I thought I had signed up for. I genuinely and naively thought I had signed up for an equal partnership.

If he wanted to go out he just used to go out/take business trips etc whereas my outings and trips had to be planned like a military operation.

it was as if now exh (h's) career came first by default. Now mine comes third behind exh and new p which seriously comprises my performance at work.

Unfortunately if you are a SAHM you are in an even weaker bargaining position.

I must admit am really shocked by all these threads although I have assumed in the past that some of the men I have worked with with SAHM were twuntish and gave off vibes of being anti women in the workplace.

put the £50K in a one year bond and tell him that you can't use it and thus he must support you properly

or tell him you;ve done that

see what his reaction is

I had friends who would each produce a card at the supermarket to pay half each!!

'I have a lot of savings (inheritance) so his argument is that I should be using that to fund my stay at homeness.'

Sorry, but I'd be using that to fund my D-I-V-O-R-C-E from this selfish twat and buy my own pad in London, where I'd then find a full-time J-O-B so I'd never have to put up with fuckwit excuses for men like this again.

expat you have turned into xenia!

hungrierhippo - how do you think your mum and dad would have felt if they'd known that their gift to you would be spent on food for you and their grandchildren, while your husband had a nice old time with 'his' £700 every month?

Yes, show him this thread.

DH comes from a poverty-stricken background.

He's never in a million years act like your husband.

Because that's twattery.

ISNT I am bursting at the seems to go back FT and forget all this freelance BS.

DS already has a place for when he's 2 (only one nursery here and they don't take kids till they are 2).

Then I'm off I don't care if I have to wipe bums or pack Xmas hampers or whatever.

I drill it into my daughters heads that for women who foresake their career for a man, poverty is just a divorce away.

And I'll be drilling that into my son's head, too.

It's about respect, it's about partnership.

When a person marries you and promises to 'love, honour and cherish', then they pull something like this, well, they renegged and rendered the contract null and void, IMO.

Yes the exact way the accounts are arranged is not really the point. The point is that, however it is done, it must be fair.

Fair BTW does not mean, I earn all teh money, so I get to keep it.

He thinks you should be using your inheritance to fund your stay at home. But your stay at home is saving him a fortune in childcare and allowing him to work?

It should all be joint money. You should decide together what is happening to the inheritance, and how your regular income should be best spent. Once bills have been covered out of the regular income, there will probably be x amount left for luxuries, and if some of that is for personal spending, you should divide that equally between you. If you weren't at home he'd have to pay for childcare otherwise he wouldn't be able to go to work, so it's certainly not 'his' money.

I am so astonished that so many women put up with this kind of thing, I really am.