SAHM vs Working. My husband wants it all his own way

[hungrierhippo]

To be brief. We moved out of London when I had DS2. I had a well paid job which I did part time after DS1 was born. It is very London centric but we both agreed that we thought it was better for the children if we moved out of the city (bigger house, garden etc).

Before we moved DH said that he would support me if I didn't want to work while my children are young, or I could set up my own business, do freelance etc and it would all be rosy.

As it was, the recession took hold and we didn't end up with quite as much money as we thought we would (low price on house sale etc, still have big outgoings.

However, I am becoming increasingly exasperated at DH's attitude to me working. He obviously works full time and also does bath time, cooks evening meal and gives me a lie in at the weekend so he is not totally abdicating.

However, he has said repeatedly that I need to earn money as we don't have enough. He pays all the bills but not the food or any of DSs costs. I cover these with what money I earn or (if I'm not working) it comes out of our savings.

It angers me as he still has £700 a month left over while I'm dipping into our savings. His answer is that I can work if I want to have more money. I have been doing freelance work so this has actually been fine. He still does the whole 'you're spending my money' whenever I buy something he doesn't think is essential though even when it's not his bloody money.

However in reality, he doesn't actually want me to work. I was going to do a part plan thing to earn some extra cash but he said no as it would put to much pressure on him as he would have to put children to bed when I was doing it.

I am building some freelance work but it does involve trips to London (an hour away). However last night he said that I was being unreasonable for asking him to drop DSs off at the childminder so I could get an early train. He said it was my responsibility to sort the kids out as he was the main breadwinner and it was unreasonable of me to arrange a meeting that meant I had to leave the house at 7:45.

When I said that I couldn't do my job without doing London trips about twice a month he said that I would 'just have to find another job then'

The fact is, I'm happy (in the short term at least) to run the house, and look after the children but (As he reminds me constantly) we don't have enough money for that.

I always used to earn more than him and I actually think he wants me to give up on my career entirely and get a low paid job.

Sorry that wasn't brief at all was it.

I know he's being completely unreasonable but I'm just getting so worn down by it all.

I need strategies people!

on your behalf OP.

It's obvious you cannot count on him for real support, which is not what marriage is all about.

It's also obvious you need to work (a) to get your independence back and (b) as a form of security should he continue to behave like an unreasonable twat and you decide to leave him. So do whatever it takes to get your career back on track and organise childcare for those London meetings that does not involve him. If your career plan is viable you will soon be able to reinstate the money you have taken out of your savings to cover that extra childcare.

I am a great believer in savings. They should be there for a rainy day, for emergencies, for big purchases, for the future. Not for every day stuff.

My DH had a lot of money from a well-managed house investment in Australia in his account - I was really quite cross with him that he used this money to live on for 9months while he was trying to find a job (not trying very hard, IMO).

DH, otoh, would have had me use my savings (considerably less than his) to pay off a credit card bill (money we both had spent).

Don't be spending your inheritance while your DH pisses money away in whatever fashion - tis just wrong.

Thank you for all your advice. I don't want to show him this thread but could you point me in the direction of one of the similar ones which I can show him.

I don't think you, individually, get to decide that the 50K is yours, though. That has to be joint money as well. Fair enough if you don't want it to be sunk into living expenses, but I think you have to sit down as a couple and say that you want to earmark it for college fund/travel/pension/etc. I don't think it's okay that you have this pretty massive pension and yet every penny of his wages goes on the household.

I do think, though, that if he has 700quid a month left over, then this whole thing about not being able to afford you SAH is total crap. And if you work, then yes, the household as a whole chips in to pull their weight in relation to household tasks, including the childcare run and whatnot.

I can sort of see how this has happened. I can see that you feel like he wants his cake and to eat it too, with you working but still picking up all the childcare slack. I can also see how he sees the same thing; you want him to be the breadwinner while you stay at home, you want to have a nice part time job with flexible hours but when those hours or commitments change you expect him to change his plans to fit in, and also here you are with this huge nest egg that's not going into the family pot while he worries about making the bills.

You two need to sit down, plan out a ten year financial plan, and stick to it. Do you want to own? Does he want to be able to give up his job and downsize? Do you hope to send the kids to private? You need a family agenda for the money, and then you need to work out how, as a couple, the money can best be spent.

And if he's terrible with money, then set it up so he hasn't got control over it. But it's not a good excuse to stick with the 'what's mine is mine' set up, not in a family with children.

I think if my DH mentioned the fact it was HIS money I would hand him DS and walk out for a week (preferbly going somewhere warm and with a beach and room service) and then see how he can cope with his career when he also has to do all childcare.

I can understand couples who have joint accounts and individual accounts but I don't understand couples where the division of money isn't fair.

Sigh. These threads are so bloody depressing.

FWIW I happen to be the main breadwinner at the moment. We split the childcare costs in half. I do morning drop-off; DH does afternoon pick up. He works earlier and I work later to make this possible. I put far more into the joint account than he does - the main thing we make sure is that we both have the same amount of disposable left each month.

What I don't do is expect DH to do all the childcare, use his savings to buy food because I don't want to share "my" money, and refuse to have anything to do with buying clothes etc for DSs, simply because of the arbitrary fact that he gets paid less than I do. I mean, what is that all about?

Your set-up is bonkers, sorry.

I think you are right to be annoyed about the lack of sharing of money. The idea that it is "his" £700 is odd.

To be dipping into savings when you have £700 left over is just poor financial management.

I think you should get a joint account, pay everything into it, and then pay each other pocket money out of it. Transfer a set amount a month out to savings accounts for DS, holidays, savings etc.

If your £50,000 is in an account in your own name, this should be in a joint savings account - fair's fair. There ought to be mutual agreement about where this is invested/what the plans are for it.

The only thing that struck me as a bit U is that, if you are not working, then for him to come home, put the children to bed AND cook supper, that seems a bit unfair on him. Not sure if this happens every night, but think it's not on if it does. On the days I work, I put DD to bed as soon as I get home, but I do expect DH to make supper etc. so that once she is in bed I can sit down for an hour and eat and relax. At the moment I am doing both as DH is recovering from surgery, and it is a lot to get through in the evenings, especially after a day's work. Maybe he feels resentful about having to do a lot on top of working and this is why he feels entitled to hang on to the £700.

bumpsadaisy, no he doesn't do it everynight. I was just trying to say he does his fair share. One of us gives them their bath (usually me), then DH does the stories and then one of us cooks the dinner, the other makes the tea and does the washing up.

So that is perfectly fair.

But you are right, that is what I need to do. he is not a twat, he's actually a very lovely man. I think some of this is my own making as I was perfectly happy for it all to be 'my money' before we had children and I was the one with all the spare cash .

Now the relationship is far less equal, I'm expecting him to hand it all over.

I'm going to sit down with him and suggest we do a proper 5 year plan on what we both expect to earn (and what we need to earn), what to do with our savings etc. That way it will all be much more adult and grown up than the 'that's not fair' tit for tat we seem to be doing at the moment.

B*** men!

Invest your 50k so your DH cant get his grubby hands on it.

Surely his 'spare' £700pcm has added up to considerable savings by now? What is happening to this cash? Call me a cynic but I sense some serious secret spending (gambling/drugs/porn/lapdancing/prostitution/a mistress/offshore bank account).

If he is the main earner at the moment HIS wages should be paying for food and clothes. These are essential living expenses. Do you have a mortgage? Could the £50k and/or the £700pcm be used to pay this off?

Forever student ...

She can hardly invest the £50k secretly away from him and at the same time expect him to share everything 50:50....

PS Forever Student ..

Don't you think you are going slightly OTT with the men-bashing? This is a chap who works and does his fair share in the house and with the children.

OK he is a bit warped about money and this needs sorting out. However to jump from that to think that he has got a secret mistress/porn addiction/drug addiction without any shred of evidence is a leap too far.

Men are people too, you know!

Good for you, OP. And do check back in, if you can stand to - we see far too many threads where a woman has just let a financial inequality situation go for too long, which is why some people reacted with eye rolls. If your talk is productive (and I suspect it will be, he doesn't actually sound like he's particularly chauvinist) please come back and tell us.

Forever, you have never met my husband . He certainly has no dirty little habits. He rarely goes out, spends a bit too much on his car and gets the odd unnecessary parking ticket but that's about it.

And thanks tortoise, it's good to get a different perspective and what you said seems to ring a lot of bells in our relationship. I shall certainly report back.

sounds like you need to have a good old barny about his special £700 . sometimes men carry on doing things because the woman doesn't put their foot down enough and say, er, no, i don't think so. have the fight. get it all sorted out.

i'm amazed by the amount of people that don't have a joint account.

he sounds quite good in that he does the baths and a lie in at the weekend for you, dinner etc etc btw. so he's not a complete twat. just a bit misguided on the 'his' money issue. his earnings, your inheritance - it should all be shared.

Out of interest, were you to do a family budget, how much 'pocket money' do you think it is reasonable to allocate to eachother?

'Pocket money' should be the same amount for both of you, and it basically whatever's spare after the bills have been paid.

I think I would decide that based on analysing a month's spend first.
Whenever I have done that, I notice that we spend far too much on 'incidentals', and in dp's case that is cigarettes, too expensive wine, too expensive lunches, and bike repairs. We don't actually spend much on hard things that we need/want, like decent clothes in both of our cases.
I would set the pocket money at a level that meant we were comfortable to live life without scrabbling around for every penny, but not so comfortable that there was no incentive to be careful.

Pocket money amount totally depends on how much money you have!

ATM DH and I get £10 a week each but we have little disposable income. Would like more but there you go.

It also depends what has to come out of the personal spending - our £10 literally covers treats like magazines, coffees (not haircuts or toiletries or petrol etc).

I don't think you should simply divide up everything left over - £700 divided by two is £350, which seems way too much per person per month spending money. You could save more or have better holidays!

Or put it in an account for the DSs

hungrierhippo

I could link to some other threads but if you show them to DH he will certainly pick up on any differences in the scenarios and decide that your situation is completely different IYSWIM.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk. And a think about what you want for your own future re your career.

As for spending money - doesn't matter how much, as long as you both have the same. And that your spending money doesn't have to include loads of things that are actually for the children.

in my defence I used to work as a debt counsellor and often debts had occured because of these 'naughty' habits. it may have skewed my view of wider society, though.

I'm sorry, I didn't actually buy the other thread, and I'm not sure I buy this one either.

Hissyfit what do you mean?

what other thread ?

You both need to sit down and have a good chat about money. You made the decision to have children together. You must then both take the consequences of a reduced income! I couldn't believe it when you said you were using your inheritance! Maybe remind DH that if you fritter it all away there will be none left for you to enjoy when the kids have gone!!

Maybe your DH needs some training in money management! If you have some earnings coming in I would: Ditto what Daisymoo has said: put all "earnings" into a joint account. All expenses for running a family come out of this account. Sit down and work out what is left. Then divide this into 2 to be paid into your individual sole accounts. This is your spending account.

If you are lucky there may even be some left over for saving?

Good luck!

Maybe a guess but could he be saving his £700 a month because you have your inheritance tucked away and he wants one too. Men get competitive about the weirdest of things.

The childcare/morning drop-off thing though, he's just out of order and needs to realise that you BOTH have a son and you BOTH have to muck in.