DW is hobbyless

[Andy1964]

Not too sure where to post this.

I've always been an outdoors type of person.
Hikeing, Swimming, Surfing, Sailing, Camping, Scuba Diving, Motorcycling, Kite Flying, Football, camping to name but a few.

Obviously all of these take the backburner since marriage and family.
I don't regret it, It's not a problem for me or DW.

Unlike me the DW has no interests which I find quite strange and sometimes frustrating.

She is a SAHM so could do with some interests to break up her week but NOTHING presses her buttons.

I'd love something we can do together but still can't find anything.

We have two DS, 7 and 10, we have been camping twice, they loved it, DW put on a brave face, not her idea of fun.

So, list a few interests that might spark and interest in DW either by herself or with me or as a family.

Ooh when the kids are off my hands, going out for dinner will definitely be my hobby

Please tell me more about mosaics and geocatching, those who posted about them.

To the OP, DH is exactly like you and I'm pretty much like your DW except I love reading, so have joined a book club, have taken up the violin, love going for walks all together (have got a good book showing circular walks locally) and I sit on a few voluntary committees which brings me into contact with different people (I also work PT). But I'm a complete sloth and would therefore be doing outdoorsy exercise type things because I ought to, rather than because I wanted to.

If she's happy, I'd leave her be.

On another thread you say:

"I rarely go out.

3 or 4 times a year on my own/with mates.

Kinda feel like I need some leisure time but I feel guilty.

DW has no hobbies and I feel guilty if I want to partake of some of mine"

Are you really concerned that she needs a hobby? Or just wanting a guilt-free pass to get more time for yourself?

No, I know it's not a hobby. That was sort of my point. Some people like hobbies. They like to spend Quality Time Together As A Family. Me, I like to just be with them. Doing whatever. I like going out to dinner. It's a good way for me and DH to relax and enjoy each other's company. And I'm not sure it's massively less worthy than playing football really.

Of course, the OP's DW may really be aching inside for a worth y activity to fill her hours. But I suspect that adults who don't have hobbies and never really have just aren't hobby people, IYSWIM.

I don't really understand why her perceived lack of 'hobbies' is a problem to you. Has she actually asked you to suggest hobbies for her to try or do you just want her to have hobbies so you don't feel too bad in resuming / increasing the time you spend on yours? (Apologies if I've got the wrong impression.)

I enjoy going to the opera, ballet, theatre, cinema, reading, swimming (in the sea by preference),listening to the Archers, laying outside on a sunny day doing absolutely nothing, learning something new, visiting art galleries, walking...but she may not enjoy any of these.

Ah, sounds like you want her to do things, so you can have permission to do yours too?

yes?

That's a bit upside down. Why don't you come up with a hobby which you and your sons do? Take control, become a father and son sky diving team or caving enthusiasts?

She won't mind if you all do that will she?

I'd just crack on and do it, tbh.

presumably the only reason she'd grouch about it, is if you're off every weekend and leaving her with the children. So take them with you?

ahundredtimes

Great post. I suggest father and son base jumping team, though.

As I read him, Andy is a man who likes action and he is getting a bit bored with homelife at the weekends. So I think you should get back into at least one sport and then give your wife a break by taking the boys fishing/sailing/camping etc whatever you'd like, maybe with another dad and his kids?

Your wife may just enjoy "downtime" on her own to recuperate. I get a bit like that - love, love, love it when dh and dd go off and have their "adventures" together. I just recover and tank up energy. They like action.

So did you and dw do anything much together (aside from the obvious) pre-kids? If that was fun back then, how about re-introducing it?

Could you face a dance course with dw - tango, something like that? Usually those clubs/schools have social events. Otherwise join some kind of club (sports or other) and go to the family events, social events as a pair/family.

I have to get dolled up and go out for a mildly glamorous evening about once a month or two months otherwise I feel jaded with life.

well jaded with myself probably...

Andy is your wife actually unhappy? Is her lack of hobbies a problem for you or for her?

Maybe she much prefers more gentle, indoor activities rather then the outdoor activities that you like?

can you both sing more or less?
Join a choir. She may feel she doesn't have the energy for sports

dh goes sailing (which bores me brainless) so although I have tried it and make encouraging noises, I'd far rather stay home and flake out. Sometimes dd goes with him. Sometimes he goes off with a friend. I do go to all the social things though and enjoy that.

Join the National Trust?

Take a picnic and see some of our beautiful historic houses, the kids can run riot in the parkland / play areas and you all get out in the fresh air together.

It's the perfect answer, you could even take your kite, my DH does when we visit houses with parkland. Just don't frighten the deer herds!

I don't have any hobbies as such but I love visiting NT properties and a family pass is brilliant value.
When dd was little, we had a classic car and used to do lots of shows, that was great fun too.

OP

Have you thought of Morris Dancing, Seriously?

dh usually goes off scuba diving when we are on holiday too which doesn't bother me either. I play tennis and he drives dd around to her sports activities at that time. Maybe we are a bit weird but I don't think you have to always do everything together as a family. I quite like being out and about just as me at times, without the clan

If your DW has school-age kids and doesn't work she must fill her day somehow? What does she do 9am-3pm?

I think you need to spell it out, take some responsibility and stop searching for permission. It's not selfish to want to do stuff.

Stand up straight and say,

'I'm a bit bored at the weekends. I'd really like to do a hobby, ideally something the boys will like too. I think they'd really enjoy sailing and pot holing. You hated camping, so don't come, but we're going to because we all love it. If you change your mind, then we'd be OVERJOYED if you came too, but if you hate it, you really don't have to. If there's stuff you want to do then that's cool, we'll work out how to do that as well.'

Is she the passive, sighing type? God if dh said this to me, I'd be thrilled. I'd wave them off and shout caring things about life-jackets and waterproof boots close the door, and go straight to the cinema or something.

Mandi1984

I really appreciate your soh.

It must be a bit weird to have nothing that sparks your interest at all. Does she seem fed up, or is she basically happy with how things are?

Amateur dramatics? doesn't have to be acting - she could do behind the scenes stuff?

politics? she could volunteer for the local MP or whichever party she votes for?

book club? I know it's a cliche at the moment but there's a reason for that, it's a fab way to put a bit of direction in your reading and I have read some truly amazing books that way.

school governorship? that's a hugely demanding job but kind of interesting - however she may feel she has enough school stuff at the mo.

Is she saying that you can only start doing stuff of 'yours' if she gets to do stuff of 'hers', or is this what you feel?

if she's not the hobby type, what about work?

goldenticket, geocaching is basically a treasure hunt using a GPS. People will hide a box ( of varying sizes) somewhere of beauty or interest, containing a log book and pencil and usually some trinkets too. You an find the ones near you on geocaching dot com. You get the GPS co-ordinates and sometimes clues or puzzles, all you do is try to find it. That's the simple version, it really is good fun and kids love it as they like getting a little toy or smething when they find it ( usually something very small like a foreign coin, or macdonalds toy), oh and you don't take anything unless you put a little something in the box. That's the gist of it anyway. All caches are graded by difficulty, so you can cheese if you want to do the easy ones, or yomp up a mountain.

Thanks glastocat, that looks brilliant! Does it matter what you put in the box?

It's a shame OP seems to have abandoned his thread. I quite liked somebody's entertainment-based suggestions: going to comedy shows, dance, theatre, whatever. Doing a 'hobby' together - that doesn't involve physical competition - can be quite fulfilling, believe it or not.

If you want the missus to get out of your hair and get fit, I recommend salsa & samba classes and circus training. Might make her feel a bit more sexy than you expected, though, especially if you can't dance ...

My own "hobbies" include experimenting with a new makeup look, watching the soaps, gossipping and Mumsnet. Yes, they're hobbies!

added: what do you sail? Can you borrow a 130-foot (minimum) yacht and put your mates & sons through wind-buffeted, soaking-wet, order-shouting hell while DW & girl pals make cocktails on deck??

goldenticket, no it doesn't matter at all, some people don't trade items at all, but I always like to put in something little for kids to find, old toy cars, marbles etc etc. People also put in travel bugs and coins which have a trackable number on, you can take these but you have to move them on to another cache, not keep them. You just log them on the site so people can see where yhey are going. I have one that has gone 27000 miles. My mum and step dad also go geocaching, they do much harder ones than me! . Its a great way to get out of the house, I really recommend it.

Anyway hijack over!

never heard of geocaching. Is there a website you can recommend?

I would really struggle if my husband did not work (and we did not have pre-school children), had no hobbies and was not interested in trying any new things.

Is there any chance your wife may be depressed?