Found condom wrapper...very confused!

[departure101]

Ok...never posted on here before but hoping someone can give me some advice on what to do/ what they would do? It may be long sorry!

I went to stay with a friend in another part of the country on Saturday / Saturday night. DH went to a rugby match on saturday daytime and then went out into town later (on his own as no-one else wanted to go out - their team had lost!). I spoke to him about 12pm, pretty drunk as expected but all fine, he bumped into a few ppl he knew. His phone then ran out of battery but he called me when he got home off the home phone (about 2ish).

Anyway, I got home Sunday morning - had a nice day in garden etc (DH very hungover!). Going to bed last night I was sorting out mobile phone charger - plug is on wall behind bed. Noticed something under there so reached under (its a bed on legs so lots of space under there) to pull it out - was a condom wrapper.

Now we hardly ever use condoms. However, we did use one a while back, been racking my brains to think when it was and can't pinpoint but think it was mid April... Immediately ask DH whats this doing under here (calmly) and he first says "don't know" then said it must have been from when we last used one. I was giving him a funny look and so he then starts getting offended that I "could even think he'd done something". We don't have an argument just a small convo about it, I say I was just curious as to why it was there....end conversation with me appologising for even thinking he could do that...

Unfortunately I'm one of those who can't get things like this off my brain. Been thinking about it all morning and I've probably convinced myself of things that don't exist now! But here is what is circling round in my head -

1. Door was unlocked when I got back about 10am. At the time meant nothing, I did ask him if he forgot to lock on sat night and he said he'd opened it for me as he know I would be back early (even tho I have a key on me)...anyway, could be me looking into it too much but he hasn't done that before.

1. As soon as I got home he was all over me (at the time was nice, this isn't unusual, he's very touchy feely ) and wanted to give me oral sex...guilt?! (I know, I know, reading into it too much and sound ungrateful!!)

1. We ended up having sex but he had to go wash his "bits" cos there was all this dried white little blobs on the end of "it" (sorry tmi!).

1. We have wooden floor in the bedroom so dust/hair collects quite a lot under there. I know I cleaned under there quite recently but can't work out if it was before or after we had used a condom last. I did say that in passing in our convo last night which he dismissed.

1. Since convo last night I have remembered I dropped something under bed and went under there to get it. Wrapper definately wasn't there when I did this, or I would have binned it! I can pinpoint this to the beginning of May (had to clean what dropped under there).

1. From memory the wrapper wasn't dusty at all. Which I didn't notice last night but was thinking about this morning. Wrapper was at the side of the bed last night so if it hasn't moved by tonight I'll have a look. Do ppl know if a wrapper is "moist" on the inside? I might check later, if it was from April it would have dried out by now!

1. He has never been faithful to anyone before me. He told that to me himself. He was engaged to a girl before me for 3years and told me he slept with 7 other girls in that time, including a year long affair. (this was in a confess all convo we had at the beginning of relationship. He swears he would never do it to me).

1. His pillow had brown marks on the face area (like dark brown eye shadow). I did ask him what it was but he didn't know. No foundation though and no black mascara marks, just dark brown.

I think thats all. The length of this post tells me I am looking way too much into it. There is a chance it is the wrapper from April. I know I need to talk to him about this again but how do I bring it up without him getting offended again (to be fair, I prob would be offended if I got accused). Or do I just forget about it and accept its an old wrapper...We've been married for 2 years, no kids. I love him so much and know he loves me, he really is an amazing husband - but he's got a history of cheating. Can't ask anyone in real life, he could have done nothing wrong and its me being paranoid.

What would you do?! leave it or start a massive argument...I don't want to lose him due to me doubting him, but if he has done something I would not stay with him...

Yes I thought of the "posh wank" but he always says he doesn't like the feeling of condoms so wouldn't make sense?!

I would normally think the phone battery excuse was a bit dodgey, but his phone has been doing it for a while now (I've been there when it happens, its a pretty old one) and he was out all day. His brother was also trying to contact him (he called me to find out where he was). He didn't get back from the match until about 11ish so was out on his own for about 2 hours...its his home town so knows alot of people, I suppose that includes alot of the girls though. He was the one who called me last and text me 20mins later, then called when he got in about 2ish from home phone. I didn't suspect anything then, all sounded quiet!

The other odd thing he mentioned was he waited in town for a taxi for a while and none came (at the taxi rank), so he began to walk home for a bit and picked a taxi up - but he'd been walking in the wrong direction as one of the roads is closed (has been for months) so it was a waste of a walk! Again, didn't seem strange at the time, he was pissed!

junglist1 - thanks for the suggestion but no cat or dog!

I think if the shoe was on the other foot he would be confronting me. I'm just worried it will ruin things for us, everything else is perfect. BessieBoots - I know I said those dates but I'm worried I've confused myself! If only I had religiously kept dates of when we use condoms and when I clean under the bed....

Will bring it up again later and see what his reaction is again. His heart was going like the clappers last night, could see his chest moving...but he may have been pissed off he was getting accused!

trust your instincts! Too many times we ignore what our brains are yelling to us! Don't bring it up with him anymore & just keep an eye on things. Maybe have a little look through his phone now & then. Not nice having to be a spy but at least it'll put your mind at rest one way or another!

I think if he's got a history of cheating, then he's probably got very good at covering at cheating up.

Leaving a condom wrapper and not washing himself before he came home are surely the basic things anyone would think to cover up. I think you should take comfort in the fact that he hasn't bothered to cover them up or change pillow etc - you'd have to be very stupid to not do any of that if you knew your partner was home in the morning!

Can't believe someone said they think it's suspicious that he went out drinking while you were away...what on earth is wrong with that?

As someone else says even if he did cheat you can't prove it and you will drive yourself nuts thinking about it and ruin your marriage anyway. I think in this instance, ask him again by all means and then make a massive effort to forget it, chances are it's probably your wrapper from last time.

You are going to go nuts if you keep thinking about this! Give him the benefit of the doubt, forget it and move on!

(if on the off chance he was unfaithful, i'm sure this incident will have shit him up and he won't do it again!)

There are a lot of hurt, betrayed women on MN who are quick to jump to bad conclusions.

Although I think it sounds dodgy, I do think it is unfair to assume someone saying their phone battery has died is a lie - this has genuinely happened to me more than a few times.

Sorry crossed posts with a few then.

purplepeony - no from what I gather he was always very good at covering tracks. His ex had suspicsions but never found out. In fact the affair girl stayed at theirs once (ex was away for weekend) and his mum saw her coming out of the house and had a word with him.

I'll check his phone but I think IF something did happen he wouldn't be stupid enough to leave a number there. The wrapper was quite far under the bed, it had fallen from under the pillows so you wouldn't have seen it until you got under there. So like you say purplepeony it would mean he would have forgotten about the wrapper. You couldn't really see the pillow marks in the bright sunshine, it was when I turned on main light I saw it.

purplebuns - thanks for that I'll check later.

justgaveup - thanks for your post, it makes a lot of sense. Think I'll take your advice on bringing up once more later on and then burying it...

Come back and let us know what he says when you confront him again (i know its a MN cringe but hugs hun - yo0u sound like you could do with it)

When you looked under the bed before, you weren't looking for the condom wrapper- you were looking for what you dropped, so it's entirely possible that you didn't see it, esp if it was right by the wall, or that it was caught in the slats of the bed or something.

Sounds like he got drunk, came home and forgot to lock the door (and didn't want to admit that to you).

If he'd been up to no good then surely he would have had the sense to have a shower before you came back?

I think you're worrying unnecessarily. He might have had a crafty wank but i think that's probably it.

Do you still have the wrapper? was it moist inside?

Did he ring at 2am just to make certain you weren't coming home?

"Can't believe someone said they think it's suspicious that he went out drinking while you were away...what on earth is wrong with that?"

It's that he went out drinking alone without any friends, I don't know anyone who would do that (unless you're talking about going to his local for a pint amongst loads of people he knew who were bound to be there) I would be suspicious of any married man with previous who went out round town alone when his wife was away. Seems like a prime opportunity to pick someone up.

So he phoned you, op. It's possible he could have been checking you were still where you were supposed to be. How was he when he called you at 2am?

"His heart was going like the clappers last night, could see his chest moving...but he may have been pissed off he was getting accused!"

MASSIVELY suspicious reaction, imho. Most people who got asked about a condom wrapper who genuinely had nothing to hide would surely just go "yuck, where was it? er, I dunno, is it one of the ones from that bag you had? when did we last use one?" or whatever. They wouldn't immediately start to visibly panic and say they were being accused. Unless he's just generally a twitchy sort of person?

i agree none of the things the op lists are suspicious on their own
all together though...

Thanks CheekyPinkSox, will do - although it won't be until tomorrow. Left wrapper at side of bed and was still there this morning so will check it when I get home.

Can't say the 2am call was suspicious, although I was half asleep..! He usually calls me when he gets in when I'm away/he's away.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana - the reaction was a bit

StealthPolarBear - I know, I prob wouldn't even batter an eyelid if everything on my "list" happened together minus the wrapper...thats why I was wondering if I was just seeing things in the wrong light.

Anyway, I will update tomorrow. Thanks to everyone for replying, at least I know I'm not the only one who would think its all a little bit dodgey.

It does sound a bit dodgy but only you will be able to suss it all out Departure101 as you are there and know ur DP better than us. He was lax bout clearing up (if guilty) cos he was so pissed PURPLEPEONY ! Its one hell of a risk if he did bring a female back to shag....
Question is why did he call you at 2am when he got home.. . .??????? Thats dam late to call you. Did he wake you? Was he checking to make certain where you were ?????????
I just hope for your sake that he is innocent.

It sounds well dodgy to me too. Does he often go into town drinking on his own?

I would know immediately if someone else had slept, or 'slept' in our bed. It would just smell different. And there would be at least one hair somewhere, surely? On the back of the mattress, lower down in the bed, on the pillow...

yes thats true. . . last 2 posts.

Can you examine the marks on the pillow? If it was makeup there would probably be some form of glittery particles.

I agree with the others, it doesn't add up to a pretty picture does it?

thinks its an eg of occams razor
ie the most likely truth is the most simple one

My god, another divorce on the cards thanks to some Mumsnetters

Hang Him!
Divorce Him!
Kill Him!
Its all his fault!

Give us guys a break FFS!

If under your bed is anything like ours you would have never of noticed the last discarded condom wrapper you used.
We could loose a small child under our bed!

May I suggest an alternative tactic?

Be honest with your partner!

Tell him in a level tone how you feel and what you have been thinking. Tell him all the questions and senarios that have been running through your mind.
Then, as you know him best, YOU judge how he reacts.

DO NOT confront him.
DO NOT accuse him.

Tell him how you are feeling!

good point on about the glittery particles..

almost all makeup has glitter involved.

I agree with Andy. I cannot believe that a man who was used to covering his tracks would bring another woman home and have sex in the family bed- and not remove evidence.

It is JUST possible and so is her letting herself out, him asleep/drunk in bed, and door unlocked.

Just ask him.

gps his phone
count the condoms you do have.
make sure his phone is charged....charge it for him yourself when hes home
get friendly with his local pub yourself.
Come home early yourself.
look for second phone -car is the usual hiding place.
get legal advice .
get a checkup from sti clinic.
dont get angry -get clever.

no, no, NO!

IME most men will cave in when confronted long enough.
all this Sherlock Homes stuff is crazy.
Just ask the guy- his face should tell it all.

brown mark might not be make-up btw .
could it be dried blood ? (nosebleed?)
red blood dries brown.

purplepeony - most men will cave ,i agree.
But a habitual man-slut will be good at lying - he will have had enough practice...better to find facts either way imo.