'it was just a kiss, I didn't sleep with her'

[chloe2910]

I really don't know what to do, my partner has just been on a rugby tour to eastern Europe leaving me at home with a 7 wk old baby. I was quite happy for him to go and trusted him implicitly.

Tonight I looked at his phone, don't know why - it's just something I do occaisionally (which I guess shows I don't trust him completely, and does anyone else do this btw?) and he had 3 new messages from a 'gordon Harrison work' - 2 containing photos of him with some blonde draped all over him, sat on his lap, hands everywhere etc and obviously on 2 seperate nights out as seprate outfits, as well as ones of her in her nurses uniform at work, there was a message reading hi sweetheart, hope you got the pics, love Helena xxxxx o immediately questioned him and he said it was nothing, just a girl he met out there who was part of a group they went drinking with and he got her number to arrange the groups to meet in a bar the following night since they all for on so well, when I questioned him further asking him if he slepth with her he denied it so I asked him to swear on ds life that he hadn't and he did without hesitation, he wouldn't swear he didn't kiss her though and ended up admitting that she kissed him but it wasn't his fault ( like a 15 stone rugby player couldn't fend off an unwanted kiss). I am heartbroken and see this as a huge betrayal but je says he didn't have sex and so did nothing wrong and that I am over reacting. Any advice really welcome here as fear even ic I forgave, I might not be able to forget - am I overeacting??

no, you are not overreacting (imo). sure someone more useful will be along... if not you might want to bump your post in the morning.... hope you're ok.

sorry to be contrary to starlight but each one of my friends family etc whose dp/dh have played away have only ever admitted a kiss to begin with

dunno why but they always seem to imagine that that will be enough to put their partner off the scent...eventually it all comes tumbling out

sorry but my experience would say to keep questioning

you are wise and right

Ronald is right, there's a good chance he did sleep with her.

Even if he didn't, how fucking dare he claim that he did nothing wrong.

He has a wife at home with a small baby and he is poncing about Eastern Europe snogging other girls and making dates to meet them again?

She was basically his holiday girlfriend. He maintained contact with her after he came home.

I find it really hard to believe they didn't have sex.

It may well have been 'only' a kiss. What I find most disturbing is the intention to further deceive. He has her number on his mobile listed under a false name - if this was just a kiss why does he have that and why is she sending text with pictures? Much more digging required.

Not again

FWIW, I think starlight's question is crucial - how's he reacting to your distress? Is he sympatheic or defensive? Have you asked for full & free access to his phone(s), email, skype and everything else?

He may have snogged her or shagged her. Either way, it's a betrayal. I guess what matters, now, is whether he cares about how much he hurt you by cheating.

Good luck.

"I am heartbroken and see this as a huge betrayal but je says he didn't have sex and so did nothing wrong and that I am over reacting."

This is how he is reacting to her distress - by telling her she shouldn't be distressed because he is perfectly within his rights to have girlfriends when he goes on holiday.

I missed the "over-reacting" bit. Stupid of me.
Yes, that matters!

I am very sorry, OP. You may well have to go through the whole making-him-see-the-point process now, or dump him. What a stupid git

Oh Chloe, you poor thing. My ex drunkenly kissed someone once. I was livid and so hurt. In the end I just couldn't trust him again. Lots of my friends said that they had got through drunken mistakes in the relationship, but it ate me up.

I think I am more mature now, but I know I couldn't handle it, DH knows if there was a hint of betrayal I'd be off.

I hope you can get through this for the baby's sake (I certainly have learnt that children are soo much better off with 2 parents together) but I have to say, disguising the name is pretty deceitful. It also shows that he knows you don't trust him and check his phone.

A drunken kiss is one thing - lying about it and hiding it and then telling you you are over-reacting points to a potentially more serious problem (unless you are normally a psycho-jealous neurotic)

The question you need to ask yourself at this point is: what would you do if he had slept with her? If you would work through it and stay with him, then perhaps let it lie (although knowing the truth is always preferable) - but if you think it would destroy your relationship to find out, do you want things to go that way? If so, push for the truth.

Another one here who really doesn't think he's telling the truth, sorry

He saved her number under a false name, which is a practised deceiver's trick, took a long time to offer even the minimum of truth, is still in contact with her and then has the gall to say he's done nothing wrong? Would he be saying the same about you if he discovered similar texts from a false name in your phone, then?

I also agree about the Rugby tour mentality, of what happens on tour, stays on tour. It is male pack mentality at its worst.

The clue to trust in your relationship is that you were looking at his phone. It's not usual for people to do this if they trust completely, but is always something I recommend if other behaviour gives you a gut instinct that something is going on.

I dont think he is being truthful either - sorry.

He will only admit to the minimum because he knows you will never find out.

Have you kept the number?
If she means nothing he can always delete her number surely??? But i bet he wont.

I think the fact that he is not being supportive of your feelings is a big clue too.

He's lying.

I'm really sorry.

are you sure it's a false number? After all if the girl's in the photos she didn't take them! I understood that gordon took them as part of the egging on process iyswim

he is a liar

too much deception going on here, and rubbishing of your understandable feelings of distress

arrangements for repeat meet-ups, too much alcohola and relaxing of boundaries...then still in touch when he comes home ?

not just a kiss..

I am sorry to say, if you let this one go, there will be more and you will feel you can never trust him

I presume the "rugby" trips are regular things ? Likely to be repeated ? What a twat he is to ruin your peace of mind, when you had been so trusting

for that alone, for making a fool of me, I would be seriously considering my relationship with this man

Happen again?

I'd be very surprised if this was his first holiday romance. Seems he's quite practised at it and clearly feels entitled.

Egging on my fat arse.

I wouldn't be too bothered about one drunken kiss in front of his mates on a rugby tour in a foreign country. It's not nice I know but not something to throw away a long term relationship on.

However, saving her number as "Gordon Harrison - Work" means he thought about it, decided he wanted to keep the number after he came home and needed to disguise it just in case you looked. Could you type Gordon Harrison - Work on a phone keypad when drunk - I'm not sure I could, he can't have been that drunk. I don't think you are over reacting at all.

Sorry if this is a bit personal but does your DP have enough common sense to use condoms? Because I'd be worried.

IMO, you're not overreacting. A kiss, a shag, it's irrelevant, if you had committed to a monogamous relationship with each other then he has cheated. How would he feel if you were all over another man, had swapped numbers and had kissed him?

I am shocked he is saying he did nothing wrong- that is obviously goimg to make you feel worse. Does he not give a shit about your feelings? That is the way he is acting.

He is a grown man, with a family, all this talk of being 'egged on' as if that makes it OK then, what a pile of rubbish- can he not think for himself?

It doesn't really matter what others think at the end of the day Op, if his behaviour is unacceptable to you then you assert this. Don't let anyone tell you your feelings don't matter.

What do you want to do now?

Sending you big fat hugs- you really don't this at this as a new mum, I should magine things are hard enough already.

The nurses uniform? are you saying it was a dressing up uniform or, is she working as a nurse? either way its bloody naff and, as a nurse, Im wondering, if like most men he asked her to send him a picture of her in her uniform? If I had a pound for every bloke who asked me that....... I wouldnt trust him sorry. And a kiss doesnt have to be a kiss in a club does it? Im sorry cos your mind must be racing now. Take care.

I don't accept that this is regular tour behaviour.

DH has played semi-professionally for longer than I have known him. There ARE guys who behave like the stereotypical 'rugby player' (and worse) but there are also several who don't.

Obviously I wouldn't have married DH if I thought he was out on a bender with the rugby club every saturday/tour, but he is not the exception. I know several guys at the club who are perfectly respectable in their behaviour, and not all of them are married. Enjoying a game doesn't have to mean succumbing to a presumed culture.

You should definitely confront your DP and tell him how bad this made you feel. Playing a sport is not an excuse to act like a T*er.

Definitely confront him. My ex denied anything until I confronted him with the messages on his phone, and the evidence of him going on holiday with someone. He still tries to deny to this day even though he knows I have the proof.

He is lying to you and he obviously is just trying to get himself off the hook by saying it's just a kiss.

Call his bluff and tell him you are leaving. Maybe then he will realise what he's done.