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Original poster

'it was just a kiss, I didn't sleep with her'

85 replies

chloe2910 · 20/05/2010 23:46

I really don't know what to do, my partner has just been on a rugby tour to eastern Europe leaving me at home with a 7 wk old baby. I was quite happy for him to go and trusted him implicitly.

Tonight I looked at his phone, don't know why - it's just something I do occaisionally (which I guess shows I don't trust him completely, and does anyone else do this btw?) and he had 3 new messages from a 'gordon Harrison work' - 2 containing photos of him with some blonde draped all over him, sat on his lap, hands everywhere etc and obviously on 2 seperate nights out as seprate outfits, as well as ones of her in her nurses uniform at work, there was a message reading hi sweetheart, hope you got the pics, love Helena xxxxx o immediately questioned him and he said it was nothing, just a girl he met out there who was part of a group they went drinking with and he got her number to arrange the groups to meet in a bar the following night since they all for on so well, when I questioned him further asking him if he slepth with her he denied it so I asked him to swear on ds life that he hadn't and he did without hesitation, he wouldn't swear he didn't kiss her though and ended up admitting that she kissed him but it wasn't his fault ( like a 15 stone rugby player couldn't fend off an unwanted kiss). I am heartbroken and see this as a huge betrayal but je says he didn't have sex and so did nothing wrong and that I am over reacting. Any advice really welcome here as fear even ic I forgave, I might not be able to forget - am I overeacting??

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/05/2010 13:36

Text her and ask what went on acting as if you know everything.

foureleven · 21/05/2010 13:37

In excusable. IMO it makes a mockery of you, your relationship and also shows a lack of respect for himself which would turn me right off of him.

As a new mum your hormones are all over the place you need to be made to feel secure, not insecure.

I'd leave him personally.

I left a cheater and I wouldnt put up with it ever again.

foureleven · 21/05/2010 13:39

And for what its worth i think he's lying too

Hulababy · 21/05/2010 14:01

I have no idea if he is lying or not.

However, plese don't feel that you have to accept that it was "just" a kiss. There is no JUST about it. Even if he did not sleep with her - a kiss in itself is still wrong, still a betrayal of trust.

He has done wrong and he is now behaviour even worse by telling you you are over reacting.

I do not accept that this is "normal" behaviour even for a sports tour. We must never get round to accepting that else we give anyone who is away from home the "right" to betray their partners.

You are not in the wrong at all. None of this is your fault.

Gracie123 · 21/05/2010 14:03

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that he is lying, but the behaviour is unacceptable even if he didn't sleep with her!

Think really carefully about leaving - I know you are very vulnerable/emotional so soon after having a baby, but maybe you could work things out if he could see things from your point of view?

I really hope you do manage to resolve it, but stand firm and don't let him think that what he has done is okay.

[big virtual hug]

foureleven · 21/05/2010 14:03

and in a nurses uniform.. what kind of pillock would be attracted to such an infantilized woman?

kittya · 21/05/2010 14:36

"of her at work, in a nurses uniform" I bet you anymoney he has said to her send me a picture of you in your uniform and she has obliged. Lets hope that uniform stays on, I wouldnt be surprised if theres more photos to come.

foureleven · 21/05/2010 14:41

oh shit, for any nurses out there my last comment was aimed at what I have in my head which is a fancy dress nurse uniform, not a real one!

coppertop · 21/05/2010 14:43

I wonder if your dp would be equally understanding if you'd kissed another man, groped him on camera, and then continued to stay in touch with him? I'm guessing not.

Even if you believe that he isn't lying, it doesn't make this kind of behaviour okay. You are not overreacting.

Malificence · 21/05/2010 15:05

It is a huge betrayal and you are not over reacting.

Even if it was only a kiss, the very fact that he thinks he's done nothing wrong shows he has problems with boundaries and acceptable behaviour when away from you.

The fact that she's sent him pictures points to there being more to it, unfortuantely.

Either way, it makes his behaviour pretty scummy.

If I thought my DH had kissed someone whilst out , he would be out on his ear and all his possessions would be on a large bonfire, I wouldn't take kindly to being made a fool of and disrespected like that - beacuse that's what his behaviour says, that he doesn't respect you .

kittya · 21/05/2010 15:06

why on earth would he stay in touch with her. I would be very careful if I was you, it could get out of hand. Where was this tour? Foureleven, no offence taken!!!! its just really random to get your friends to take a picture of you at work!! which means it happened after the nights out photographs which suggests to me he ASKED her to send it.

blinks · 21/05/2010 15:18

i'd struggle to get past it myself, especially as he's chosen to behave like a fanny at the most vulnerable time in your life (coincidence? i doubt it).

kittya · 21/05/2010 15:24

I think he's going to be hearing more from this lady. Sorry.

diddl · 21/05/2010 15:25

I think it´s a big betrayal as well.
And kissing-I think that´s intimate-the only person I kiss is my husband!

Others get a "mwah"!

HideMyPhone · 21/05/2010 15:31

Can't believe he even went on a rugby tour with you just having had a baby! That says a lot about his commitment imo.

I wouldn't assume he has done more than kiss but like other contributers on here I do think that having this 'code' name and keeping the photos isn't a great sign. How horrible for you. I can't imagine how soul destroying this is at a time when you should be able to relax and enjoy your new baby.

Very at him.

vinauchocolat · 21/05/2010 15:38

I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that he had full sex with 'Helena' probably lots of times. Sorry, OP, but he sounds like a total twat. Especially just after you've had a baby. Get rid!

foureleven · 21/05/2010 17:09

"its just really random to get your friends to take a picture of you at work!! which means it happened after the nights out photographs which suggests to me he ASKED her to send it"

Good work kittya you are right. No one has a picture of them at work on their phone. I completely misunderstood the whole nurse thing and thought she was wearing a nurse uniform on the night out.. duh.

OP could you show him this thread? So that he can see many many women wouldnt put up with this and its not you being unreasonable?

Original poster
chloe2910 · 21/05/2010 17:46

I did think about that, it might be an idea. As it stands at the mo I have written him a letter to explain how I feel for him to read when he gets home. He left this morning without coming into our room to say goodbye and I have not heard from him today, not much remorse there!

I think he must have asked her for a pic of her in the uniform, no other reason for it. He is 44, you think he'd have grown up by now, but he is a serial philander (he cheated on his ex wife with whom he has 2 kids countless times- not with me btw) I just naively thought what we had would change him. How stupid of me. I am beginning to think he is a bit pathetic, and that if I leave it is his loss not mine, as I am 25, have my while life ahead and have the most beautiful son.

Apart from this though, he is the perfect man and I adore, but I guess this proves there really is no such thing.

Still really confused though as for what to do for the best- was supposed to be going on hol on sun too to visit his mother in the algarve.....

OP posts:
colditz · 21/05/2010 17:50

Oh that's easy. You ring his mother and you tll him what he did, and why you won't b coming.

the Cunt.

dittany · 21/05/2010 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/05/2010 17:59

What dittany said.

Would you stay if he said sorry, or if he admitted there was more? I tell my kids they get in to more trouble for lying so just tell the truth.

If you are going to leave regardless then pack for him now.

WhatsAllThisThen · 21/05/2010 18:06

I never agree with Dittany, but I totally agree with Dittany.

MrsFawlty · 21/05/2010 18:08

Oh Chloe - I'm so sorry, this is shit at the best of times and unforgivable when you have a brand new baby.

If it was just a kiss and he was sorry I would expect him to be kissing your feet and bending over backwards to make up for what he's done. But he isn't. And he has form. Sounds like a remorseless git who will never change (he's 44 and that's who he is, he won't change now.)

Do you have friends/family to support you?

JackBauer · 21/05/2010 18:09

What dittany and colditz said.
If he has cheated before then even if it was 'just' a kiss this time that means he has no moral issues kissing other women. Which IMO means he will have no moral issues sleeping with toher women.
Leave him. Life's too short.

kittya · 21/05/2010 18:17

Im sorry to hear the twist to this story. You have to go whilst you are still young and havent been brain washed yet by his excuses. You HAVE to go. He will never change. He has done this after you have just given birth? that tells you all you need to know. Im sad to say that he has slept with her I bet. Asking for a picture of her in her sexy uniform? I dont know what it is with men and nurses or why some women, like this one, give us such a reputation. Please go and stay with your mum or something and dont get into a discussion about it, you know your answer.