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Original poster

Money and ex-wife

96 replies

dontaskme · 18/05/2010 08:00

I am new here so not sure whether my situation qualifies as a 'problem' compared with some of the nightmare scenarios on here.
Anyway, married DH 11 years ago, both of us married before. He divorced before we met, both his DC left home, independent.
When they divorced his ex, who never worked, kept all the equity in the house plus a new mortgage paid by him so she could move house. Within a few months she had sold this house and moved in with boyfriend whom she subsequently married.
My DH continued to pay her maintenance after she moved in with her new partner and had to take out a big mortgage so we could buy a modest house together.
His ex's husband died a few years later leaving her with a huge house, paid for, and I suppose life insurance.
Last year I found some bank statements saying he had been giving her £400 a month. When I asked him about this he said she had loaned him £5K to pay a tax bill (he is self-employed) and that the money to her was repayments. I knew nothing about this and was upset that I had been excluded from this decision.
So, being me, I started looking through more paperwork and found dozens of cash transfers to her over a number of years - usually £100. When I asked about this he said she finds it hard to make ends meet and had phoned him in tears saying she can't afford to buy groceries, so he felt sorry for her.
He says I don't go short so he can't see the problem. Yet I have to fight to get him to buy anything new for the house.
I know his children know about this money so I feel that his ex and his kids have been told not to let me know about it.
My DH has just paid £3k so his 30 year old son can have a honeymoon in the Maldives. I have never had a holiday like that.
I suspect his contact with the ex has now gone underground so I won't cause any more trouble.
This is part of an on-going problem I have had over the years with the feeling that my DH's first family and his mum have remained his chief concern.
Is it me?

OP posts:
partytime · 18/05/2010 08:12

I am unsure how to reply to this but this could potentially be a future scenario for me.

My stbexh has left to live with OW, at present I live in our rather large family home, it is up for sale.

My DC have left home but not financially independent yet.

I have a low paid part time job and couldn't possibly support myself even if I increased to full time hours. I have been too long out of the jobs market, as I have always looked after the DC.

We are agreeing at present the division of assets and maintenance for me. This will continue till I retire and pension kicks in.

My H knows that I will always be financially reliant on him and accepts this, I have been told that OW is aware of this situation also.

I know the situation is different, but my life has been changed for ever and my standard of living shouldn't suffer due to his choices, not mine.

What I am trying to say, is that I would hope my H honours his financial obligation and commitment to me in the future and that OW, should they remain together, realises this.

Are you resentful that your H is helping his DC with honeymoons? I think this is a very lovely thing to do, they are his children, why shouldn't he. They should remain his priority, I would be disappointed if my DC were not my H's first and foremost.

mumofthreesweeties · 18/05/2010 09:51

I agree with Partytime here. I am an exw and my exh supports me on and off when money is short. It is nothing secretive, but really why shouldnt he. I look after our DS etc. Maybe he should have told you about borrowing money from her - but I always believe that exes should try by all means to maintain an amicable relationship where this is possible, especially if there are children involved. I wouldnt begrudge him paying for the honeymoon either, that is a lovely gesture and tbh I dont see why he shouldnt do that. Fair enough you havent been to the Maldives but this IS a honeymoon. Would you rather he didnt pay for their honeymoon and paid for a holiday for you instead.

You still have your future ahead of you and there is plenty of time to go on holidays etc. The reason why you are probably in the dark about all of this is the very reason why you have put this post up. Your dh knows (knew) that you would not understand. Put it this way, had your exw not helped witht the tax bill you would have had to get a loan with interest from a bank. I have loaned my exh money before when he couldnt pay for our DS school fees and he repaid me back each month until it was all cleared.

I do understand how this can be annoying but it is to be expected when you are with someone with baggage

posieparker · 18/05/2010 09:54

It's weird isn't it, you would think he should have cut all ties. But if she never worked and raised his children her earning prospects are much lower than they could be, although if she's still not working she shpould be helping herself.

posieparker · 18/05/2010 09:55

No way should he have paid for the honeymoon, sending the message that his son is far more importnat than you and him.

Sweeedes · 18/05/2010 10:07

Isn't his kindness and generosity part of the reason you love this man?

ABatInBunkFive · 18/05/2010 10:10

Partytime would you really expect him to keep you if you remarried?

'My DH continued to pay her maintenance after she moved in with her new partner and had to take out a big mortgage so we could buy a modest house together.'

This ^^ is just weird.

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 10:16

I think your husband sounds like a loving, kind and thought full man, human being and father to his children, actually I feel sorry for the man, I am going to be brave and say what I think most other people are thinking here, you sound very jealous, insecure, angry and you are not coming across as a very nice person with your complaint about him. I am sorry if I upset you, the reason I said that is if you are going around telling people in real life how you feel, they may agree with you in public or mutter etc, in private they will most likely not be agreeing with you, and maybe you need to take stock and think why you feel the way that you do about things, and what has happened in your life to make you feel that way, I wish you well x

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 10:18

What I am trying to say, is this is more about you than his ex wife, who you are targeting with jealousy, the woman has lost her first husband through divorce, and her second through widdowhood, and you have a husband, and good standard of living, I don't get why you are attacking this woman, and wasting your time getting angry at her and not enjoying your own life!

ABatInBunkFive · 18/05/2010 10:27

Mummiehunnie - Are you reading a different thread? Where exactly is she attacking her DHs ex?

msboogie · 18/05/2010 10:30

she might enjoy her own life a bit more if she was able to go on a fancy holiday like the one her DH has just shelled out for.

Fair enough if he wants to be generous to his first family - but the OP should get similar treatment.

Rindercella · 18/05/2010 10:32

I think it is lovely that your DH has helped his son to pay for his honeymoon. I think you should try to avoid all jealousy associated with that.

OTOH, I do think it is very odd indeed that your DH is still financially supporting his ex wife, long after their DC have grown up and after she has re-married (and been sadly widowed). That is very odd indeed. I suspect he also thinks there is something not quite right about it, which is why he has been hiding the payments from you for all this time.

More than the money, I suspect the real reason you are upset is because your DH has been hiding things from you, telling you lies and half truths. That does not make for a healthy marriage and needs addressing.

Kathyjelly · 18/05/2010 10:45

Don'task, no it isn't you. I think the basic problem is you feel like you've been kept in the dark while even his children were aware and now you know, it feels like you come third or fourth or maybe last.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you need to explain to your husband that either you are equal partners or it's not really a marriage.

oliviasmama · 18/05/2010 10:46

I don't think it's odd that he still financially supports his ex wife, I think he sounds as though he is a decent man who feels that he has responsibilities and indeed honours them. He also probably likes his wife and wants to help her out. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be slightly jealous, I probably would but it's always easier for an outsider looking in to see a clearer picture.

As for the honeymoon ...... lovely and I always think your children come before anyone or anything.

muddleduck · 18/05/2010 10:52

YANBU

I would be livid if my DH 'spent' this amount of money without my knowledge. I'm not saying he was wrong to use 'his' money in this way, but that he was wrong not to involve you in these dicussions.

Kathyjelly · 18/05/2010 10:54

Oliviasmama, so op's husband should put his adult children before his wife? Personally I think they should come equal first and the ex-wife should be way down the list, being ancient history.

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 11:02

Who knows what went on with him and his ex wife, who knows what court orders were made etc, maybe there is guilt there from him.

The issues with the ex wife are not the point, the point is jealousy from the op and the man feeling he has to hide what he is doing with money from op, due to her jealousy, that is a marriage problem, not an issue to do with his children or ex wife.

Out of interest why should a man not give money to his ex wife and adult children if he wants to, I bet he is has an income of his own?

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 11:06

she might enjoy her own life a bit more if she was able to go on a fancy holiday like the one her DH has just shelled out for.

Ms boogie, I could not agree more with your above statement, yes it has crossed my mind why op has not done something productive with her marriage and discussed a nice holiday with her hubby... I am sure she has a lovely honeymoon and would not resent anyone else from enjoying their honeymoon, or resent a man from wanting his child to enjoy their honeymoon with money he earned, I bet it made her hubby feel happy, bringing such joy to his child and their future spouse!

oliviasmama · 18/05/2010 11:06

I think that your children always come first. Age doesn't change their status, yes they become more responsible and independant but they are always your children.

If your looking for a "pecking order" Kathy, this is mine....

Children
Current Wife
Ex Wife

The fact that he helps his ex wife out financially is not a detremental thing, perhaps as I said before he likes her and wants to help her out.

I do agree that the issue here is that it was all done in secret and kept from dontaskme.

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 11:11

Olivia's mum, the keeping from don't ask me from her husband of secrets is something I am not surprised by, if she is so angry, insecure and jealous of his relationship with his children, and the scapegoating the ex wife instead of taking responsibility for her own issues, is plan sad, this projection is such a common thing for people to do, to avoid looking at themselves and the relationships they have created, they look to blame people who are not the problem, the problem is her feelings and the m affecting her hubbys behaviour and their relationship, going for some individual and relationship counselling and a nice holiday would be a more productive way forward rather than scapegoating others.

oliviasmama · 18/05/2010 11:19

I couldn't agree more Mummie.

Whatever it is that creates the OP to feel what I assume is jealousy, is maybe another completely different story though.

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 11:30

If op can work out what is causing the negative emotions inside of her, she can then work on that, and fix the real problem, which is affecting her marriage, it would be a shame for her to argue with her hubby, when things could be worked out. I wish op well x, I have a feeling op will not thank me right now, however in time what has been said may resonate with her, and it may have a positive effect on things for her.

MortaIWombat · 18/05/2010 11:34

Nice to help his dc. Weird to keep giving cash to his ex (if it's been as frewuent an occurrence as you suggest).
I suggest you casually ask him for a couple of hundred pounds every few weeks. Or find an ex-boyfrend and start subsidising him from the family cash.

ginnny · 18/05/2010 11:36

I don't get it.
She lent him £5K and he paid it back in installments, then she can't make ends meet and regularly borrows £100 here and there?
Are you sure he's being completely honest with you?
I agree that this should have been discussed with you though as well as the £3K for the honeymoon although if he can afford it then its a lovely thing to do and most of us would do that for our dc if we had the money.

MortaIWombat · 18/05/2010 11:37

frequent

oliviasmama · 18/05/2010 11:39

I like your suggestion best Awesome .......