Money and ex-wife

[dontaskme]

I am new here so not sure whether my situation qualifies as a 'problem' compared with some of the nightmare scenarios on here.
Anyway, married DH 11 years ago, both of us married before. He divorced before we met, both his DC left home, independent.
When they divorced his ex, who never worked, kept all the equity in the house plus a new mortgage paid by him so she could move house. Within a few months she had sold this house and moved in with boyfriend whom she subsequently married.
My DH continued to pay her maintenance after she moved in with her new partner and had to take out a big mortgage so we could buy a modest house together.
His ex's husband died a few years later leaving her with a huge house, paid for, and I suppose life insurance.
Last year I found some bank statements saying he had been giving her £400 a month. When I asked him about this he said she had loaned him £5K to pay a tax bill (he is self-employed) and that the money to her was repayments. I knew nothing about this and was upset that I had been excluded from this decision.
So, being me, I started looking through more paperwork and found dozens of cash transfers to her over a number of years - usually £100. When I asked about this he said she finds it hard to make ends meet and had phoned him in tears saying she can't afford to buy groceries, so he felt sorry for her.
He says I don't go short so he can't see the problem. Yet I have to fight to get him to buy anything new for the house.
I know his children know about this money so I feel that his ex and his kids have been told not to let me know about it.
My DH has just paid £3k so his 30 year old son can have a honeymoon in the Maldives. I have never had a holiday like that.
I suspect his contact with the ex has now gone underground so I won't cause any more trouble.
This is part of an on-going problem I have had over the years with the feeling that my DH's first family and his mum have remained his chief concern.
Is it me?

Thank goodness - the voices of sanity. Was beginning to think I was going to be crucified. Thank you.

Mummie, although I don't personally hide any expense from DH (have just told him I put a £320 dress on my credit card for example), comparing someone telling small lies about some clothes is not in any way the same as the ongoing deceit displayed by the OP's husband.

I have not hidden things either, and I agree with you that he should not be hiding things from op, thing is op still seems to want to focus on ex wife and her having income and op seems to be ignoring the comments that state that the issue is her hubby keeping things from her, i thought initially it was due to her behaviour and he was just a decent guy, then as time went on and as I have reread I was wondering if he is pulling a fast one on op, and scapegoating the ex wife to get out of hot water with op, it seems to have worked.

There is nothing in the OP where dontask criticizes the exW. What I read from the OP is that she is thoroughly pissed off with her husband hiding stuff from her. That stuff happens to be his finances with his exW. She outlines what she believes to be the facts - perhaps it was irrelevant that the exW never worked, and as I said in my first post, the £3k to his son was a nice jesture and not something to be jealous about - but she never calls the exW lazy, or a bitch or really focuses on her behaviour. What dontask does do however is ask whether he husband's behaviour is on.

Imo it is not.

Mummie - How clearly can I say this? I KNOW my OH is a decent guy, I am SURE he is not pulling a fast one. I don't care now much income DH's ex has. My concern has always been that I have been kept in the dark. All I asked is whether anyone else might feel that way too.

Mummie - You're grasping at straws now. I don't lie about anything financial, nor would i condone someone doing it. Even so anyone regardless of sex who is hiding things like this would get short shift from me. Just because it can happen both ways doesn't make it right in either case.

Bold - i read the not worked comment to mean that is why he gave her all the equity in the house etc etc. I'm struggling to see where the OP suggested anyone deserve poverty.

Is there a history here i'm missing, this thread seems to have brought out all the loons some strange POV.

fair enough Rindarcella, maybe the fact that the thread wasn't titled, hubby keeping secrets from me and transfering money to people without my knowledge, and the focus of the thread title was the ex wife, and then loads of stuff about ex wife never worked and has house paid for by dead husband and stuff like that... thatit gave off the impression that the op had jealous and anger issues towards the ex wife, who it seemed to me was getting the blame for op's hubbys behaviour!

MH: "Bunk five, that seems quite a lot to focus on the ex wife about in the op's post!"

Well, erm yes because that's what the post is about.

I agree with LisaD's take on this situation.

I am also a bit that the bundles of thousands of pounds are popping out of your Dh's purse. I would be very cross if my DH did that behind my back.

After all, it's not just 30 quid on a new scarf that he's hiding from you. I also do not understand why he is repaying his exW? This is the woman who asked him for monetary support on top of all she got and when she became well off (inheriting from deceased hubby) she didn't pay it back to her ex...

Mummie - you are the one who wants to keep focusing on that, I'm not seeing what you are seeing. IMO OPs problem is that her DH is keeping things from her.

Don't ask me, if your question is would I be concerned that my hubby had been keeping me in the dark about finances, my answer to you would be yes I would.

What are you going to do about things with your hubby now, you obviously trust him, have found out where the money went, and dont' care about the money it's self, so where do you go from here to rebuild the trust?

That would be because the money is going to the ex wife, oh dear lord. The fact that the Ex remarried is actually quite crucial to the explination too, it explains why it is unreasonable for him to have done this.

Mummiehunnie - you are bringing your own issues to this dilemma. Presumably you are an ex-wife or ex-partner?

OP has every right to be upset at the deception and dishonesty.

My opinion, as expressed a minute ago is obviously based on my own experiences and as someone suggested earlier, I am indeed a "second wife"! Well, i am his first wife but my DH has a child with his ex so she is very much part of our lives.

About a year into our relationship (we've been together 6 years now, married nearly 1 year) I found out my husband had given his ex a lump sum of his work bonus and kept it from me.
At that point we weren't living together and our finances were very seperate.
But I hit the roof. He had specifically lied to me about it and told me he wasn't giving it to her. She had asked for it and he'd been advised by his solicitor not to give it to her. But he did anyway and I found out by accident months later.

I am glad it happened and I found out because we discovered our boundaries and a way of working through it together that we might have not come across till much further down the line.

To be clear - the money wasn't mine. He was perfectly entitled to give it to her. I had no claim over that money and was completely financially independent of him at the time.
I was upset at the way he lied to me and colluded with her.

I'm glad you trust your husband dontaskme - sounds like you have a great chance of getting through this and hopefully you will be able to talk it through with him and he will see your point of view and going forward things will be more open and honest.

Life is a learning curve, and it seems to me that as don't ask me has not posted on here before that she maybe has learned that the best way to get to the advise she is asking for quickly, is to focus on what the crux of the problem is, ie the hubby keeping her in the dark, it is unfortunate that in choosing the title she did and giving a lengthly explanation about the ex wife that things have gone the way they have, for me the attraction of looking at this post was seeing ex wife in the title, and I wonder if the same was for other people! where if I head read the title my hubby is keeping me in the dark, I for one would not have bothered to respond!

OP I think you need to talk to your DH and explain how the deception has made you feel and that it is not acceptable. As his ex remarried, she is no longer his financial responsibility.

I think the honeymoon money was a lovely gesture for his DS, but as he is now an adult I think that your household shouldn't be missing out to provide luxurious holidays. Assuming it's a one-off for his honeymoon I think you have to swallow it, but it certainly should have been agreed between you first.

earlybird, many people on this tread have brought personal issues into the talk, obviously you have not read all the posts before posting yourself, yes I have said already I am an ex wife, I am not objecting to the op's right to being upset at the deception and dishonnest, I whole heartidly agree that her hubby should not behave that way, the reasons for it, are not clear, the op trusts him so there you go! I suggest you go back an read the thread again, before adding my name to your posts that are being negative about me!

TBH Mummie I wish you hadn't bothered to respond - nothing but criticism. You seem to have serious issues of you own about being an ex-wife.
Note to self: Remember to be very careful about choosing title for any future posts on MN - even assuming I dared to do so.

I am sorry that you feel that I am full of critisim, I am sorry that you are still not answering questions that could help you work out what is going on for you! such as are you divided from your hubbys family, and I am sorry that you are still focused on responding to me personally, rather than spending time to think and respond to questions that have been put to you, to help you understand such as the question posted by some others, regarding why you did not notice lumps of thousands and hundreds of pounds going missing, I would have through what you would be better doing is moving forward with your hubby and working out why he kept secrets from you, and working out how you could improve communication between you both, I wish you well.

I am really glad that you are going to be more carefull about title choices in the future, maybe then you can focus on the real problem instead of having a thread as you have had, which has been confused by your ex wife comments, which in the reality of the problem as you said yourself, is not the problem, the problem is your hubby keeping you in the dark.

Just in from work, not posted since first thing, so wanted to make clear from question asked of me.

My H maintenance would be paid until I retire and pension kicks in, or (and I missed this bit) until I remarry.

I would also like to say that I have always worked but in a capacity that fit in with DC as they were growing up, sacrificed my own career if you like, I have never had to pay for childcare as I did it all.

Our choice of course. And because it was our choice I don't see why stbexh shouldn't be at least in part responsible for my financial upkeep. Plus I intend to carry on working.

I feel it is the lying about the cash injections into exW bank account that offend, if I was in that position then I would be upset too.

What I don't understand is the resentment at a parent gifting a honeymoon to DC.

I do think you need to speak with your H about your feelings in this as it will invariably become more of an issue as time goes and more payments made to exw and DC.

Funny you're the only one who seems confused by the thread Mummie most people were able to read past 'ex wife' and see what was going on.

dontask - Don't be put off posting there are plenty people here who can offer good advice.

*who can and have in some cases

If my DH had been systematically syphoning money out of our family budget for anything without telling me I would have been incandescent. Does he earn a lot more than you, Dontaskme? You need to sit down and decide what the budget is and what the priorities are.

Mummie, I don't get your point. The OP is 'jealous and insecure' but only if the money is going to the ex-wife? If he's spending it on something else it's OK for her to be annoyed?

And as for this -

"How many woman who confess to hiding half their shopping and lying to oh's that they had the dress for ages, I have hard so many women in real life and on tv confess to this I can't even count"

Do you live in the fifties?

dontaskme, if you were her would you feel entitled? If you were him would you feel obliged/indebted?

As for the honeymoon, it's a lovely gesture but in my mind children coming first doesn't include luxury holidays it's about time spent. As his wife I think financially you should come first, before his grown children.

I am a 'first'wife too.... in fact my husband may be my first husband, unless he sorts himself out and then he may be my only!!!

Mummiehunnie - I have read enough to know that you have de-railed this thread with your own ex-wife point of view. You seem not to have noticed that most everyone who has posted disagrees with your posts to OP.

Now back to the issue at hand - I have always understood that legal and moral obligations to the ex-wife continued as long as dc were considered dependents. Once they are adults, there is no reason to continue supporting the ex-wife....and certainly, any obligation to support her ends when she has made a home with/got married to someone else.

Regarding the OP - I don't understand how your dh was able to borrow substantially from his ex to cover an outstanding tax bill when you say he is transferring smaller amounts to her on a regular basis to help her 'get by'. Unless perhaps she tapped into the equity of her paid-for house?

Whatever the situation, he should never have done it without your knowledge and agreement. His loyalty is to you first and foremost - or at least, it should be.

Many thanks to everyone who has written sensible and coherent posts here. To address some of the queries:
I don't feel resentful about stepson's honeymoon - just that we had to put it on a credit card and just couldn't afford it.
I don't know how DH's ex arranges her finances so can't tell what the truth is about 'loan'. When her second husband died he left her a second property which she planned to sell. My DH 'forgets' to tell me about details like this and it is this secrecy that upsets me. He is absent-minded professor type which is a good way or avoiding telling me things that go on. He works away all week so is adept at compartmentalising his life.
I have talked to him about these issues until I am blue in face but get nowhere.
The regular payments to her I found out about by accident - ok then, snooping -so don't really know how long they've been going on for.
We always seem to have a lot of debts, his ex is wealthier than us but he has to help her out.
I have never been able to get to the bottom of all this because DH regards his finances as his business.
Somehow I always feel there are 'secrets' around his ex and kids - who are now 35 and 28. He told me that when they were married she used to run up huge debts by buying household goods and clothes.
There are too many examples to cite here but over the years I have watched while DH put the interests of his first family above ours. He has always been worried that ex would turn his kids against him in some way. He has been an exemplary father to them so I can't see what he is worried about. I think his ex has always used emotional blackmail to get her own way.
Yes DH is a good and kind man, but I feel angry about all the secrecy, as if I am fourth in line in his life.