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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Money and ex-wife

96 replies

dontaskme · 18/05/2010 08:00

I am new here so not sure whether my situation qualifies as a 'problem' compared with some of the nightmare scenarios on here.
Anyway, married DH 11 years ago, both of us married before. He divorced before we met, both his DC left home, independent.
When they divorced his ex, who never worked, kept all the equity in the house plus a new mortgage paid by him so she could move house. Within a few months she had sold this house and moved in with boyfriend whom she subsequently married.
My DH continued to pay her maintenance after she moved in with her new partner and had to take out a big mortgage so we could buy a modest house together.
His ex's husband died a few years later leaving her with a huge house, paid for, and I suppose life insurance.
Last year I found some bank statements saying he had been giving her £400 a month. When I asked him about this he said she had loaned him £5K to pay a tax bill (he is self-employed) and that the money to her was repayments. I knew nothing about this and was upset that I had been excluded from this decision.
So, being me, I started looking through more paperwork and found dozens of cash transfers to her over a number of years - usually £100. When I asked about this he said she finds it hard to make ends meet and had phoned him in tears saying she can't afford to buy groceries, so he felt sorry for her.
He says I don't go short so he can't see the problem. Yet I have to fight to get him to buy anything new for the house.
I know his children know about this money so I feel that his ex and his kids have been told not to let me know about it.
My DH has just paid £3k so his 30 year old son can have a honeymoon in the Maldives. I have never had a holiday like that.
I suspect his contact with the ex has now gone underground so I won't cause any more trouble.
This is part of an on-going problem I have had over the years with the feeling that my DH's first family and his mum have remained his chief concern.
Is it me?

OP posts:

Original poster

dontaskme · 18/05/2010 11:40

Munniehunnie
The words pot, kettle and black come to mind here. I am assuming you are a bitter, jealous, insecure and dumped ex-wife.
So now I AM NOT a very nice person. I thought MN was about offering support and impartial advice, not name-calling and criticism.

OP posts:

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 11:46

I did not call you names don't ask me, if you calmed down and were not so angry, read what I said rather than taking from it only the negative and what you want to read, then you would see that I have been supportive of you, I am not name calling!

I am not the other things you suggest, however I am an ex wife with children to my ex husband.

The question for you, is why are you focusing on me and your hubbys ex wife and not on why your hubby is hiding things from you, also someone else came up with an interesting question, is he telling you the whole truth about things, as they are right it does not add up, he borrowed £5k off her and is paying back in installments.

If your hubby has spare £5k, £3k and lumps of hundreds of pounds to give away, he can't be short of money or you would have noticed it before, what is all this anger you have all about Don't ask me?

ABatInBunkFive · 18/05/2010 11:48

I'm struggling to see where Dontaskme is focusing on the ex rather than her husband tbh, seems like for all your talk of dontaskme projecting, you're doing a damn fine job of it yourself.

Original poster

dontaskme · 18/05/2010 11:51

First up, I was not angry when I made my original post. Second, I know it doesn't add up, that's why I am asking for others' opinions.

OP posts:

Aussieng · 18/05/2010 11:54

"I am going to be brave and say what I think most other people are thinking here, you sound very jealous, insecure, angry and you are not coming across as a very nice person with your complaint about him."

Mummie - reading the responses so far I find it hard to agree that you are saying what most people here are thinking so why don't you stick to speaking for yourself alone?

OP, I do think it sounds as if there are some things you need to talk to your DH about, it is not on for him to be keeping secrets from you. FWIW I don't think YABU about the ex-wife and I do think financial committments to an ex-W should end on remarriage when any children have flown the coop but I do think you should accept the gifts to his children with grace.

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 11:55

Actually don't ask me, I have read over your posts again on this thread, and I am wondering if you know that the money went to his ex wife, or if it went else where?

Something is not making sense the more I read things, you are saying that he gives more to his mother, ex wife and children, do you think he just tells you that to keep you in your place and that the money is going on other things, and he is blaming it on the rest of his family to divide and conqure? Do you have a lot to do with the rest of his family?

The reason don't ask me is looking like she is attacking the ex wife is the title of the thread and her words, telling us about ex wife's live etc.

oliviasmama · 18/05/2010 11:56

oh dear......

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 11:57

Aussieng, your quite correct, I don't normally make a habbit of speaking for others, and I retract that "Most"

Aussieng · 18/05/2010 11:59

Fair play to you Mummie

Original poster

dontaskme · 18/05/2010 12:00

Er - excuse me? Am I in the wrong thread here? Or shall we switch the topic to Mummiehunnie's obvious anger/denial/persecution issues?

OP posts:

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 12:01

Bunk five, that seems quite a lot to focus on the ex wife about in the op's post!

When they divorced his ex, who never worked, kept all the equity in the house plus a new mortgage paid by him so she could move house. Within a few months she had sold this house and moved in with boyfriend whom she subsequently married.
My DH continued to pay her maintenance after she moved in with her new partner and had to take out a big mortgage so we could buy a modest house together.
His ex's husband died a few years later leaving her with a huge house, paid for, and I suppose life insurance.

ABatInBunkFive · 18/05/2010 12:03

Transfers tend to show where they have gone.

I think the fact that the ex wife had been remarried/living with someone while he was giving her money is relevant. The fact that the money is going to the ex wife is also relevant, i'm not sure how you'd have rather her word the op without mentioning the ex given that is where the money is going?

ABatInBunkFive · 18/05/2010 12:04

Well yes mummiehunnie that would be because he is giving the money to the ex.

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 12:05

How would you know that the account number is the ex wife's bank account?

Original poster

dontaskme · 18/05/2010 12:13

Good grief - I don't believe this.
Because HER NAME is on the statement.

OP posts:

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 12:18

Please bear with me, here, I can transfer money to another account with my bank, and I can call the transfer what I like, for example I can transfer to my own savings account and call it my child's name, it does not mean the money has been given to my child, so do you understand what I am getting at here? The transfers could be in the name of his ex wife, they could be going into any bank accout, does the account number match with her's?!

Maybe it is a simple straight forward transfer to his ex wife, it is just after rereading your origional post and you stating that you are at the bottom of the pecking order, and you not answering if you have good contact with the rest of his family, if he is dividing and conquering and there is something sinister going on, maybe just the way I have learned to think dealing with sneaky people, I would so love to go back to being nieve, and believing what people tell me!

Original poster

dontaskme · 18/05/2010 12:18

....oh yes, and I forgot. Because I discussed it with DH and he told me the facts as outlined in my first post.

OP posts:

EMS23 · 18/05/2010 12:22

He should have told you. I don't think it sounds like you have issues with his ex and even if you do, it's not bloody surprising when he's colluding with her behind your back.
That classic excuse of "I didn't tell you coz I knew you'd get upset" is neither an acceptable explanation nor a justifable reason for not telling you.

You're his wife and his financial decisions should include you. Whether or not you would've agreed with them is irrelevant but by not giving you the opportunity to express your view he excluded you from a fundamental aspect of partnership.

Going forward, I would explain to him calmly how it's made you feel and encourage a more open and honest way of working together. That may mean you swallowing the financing of his ex but at least you'll have made the decision "jointly" and not be in the dark.

"His money, he earnt it". Bullshit. Sorry but this is not the 1920's.

bratnav · 18/05/2010 12:22

Surely when a couple splits if one partner has given up their career to raise the DCs they are entitled to be financially supported either by a lump sum on division of the assets or ongoing payments/both? I would assume if it is ongoing, payments would stop once the DCs finish full time education or when the ex (in this case wife) remarries/moves in with someone else?

Rindercella · 18/05/2010 12:23

Oh dear...and this thread is in Relationships, not AIBU. Dontask, looks like you are having to justify every single point in your posts

I am betting that all those who sympathise with you are 2nd wives, and those who are gunning for you are members of the first wives' club.

LisaD1 · 18/05/2010 12:24

Haven't read all the replies but here's where I personally would have issues, and I am an ex wife/mother of our child. Happily remarried, no ex wife of DH to contend with, incase that makes a difference:

Financial support for the children - no problem, absolutley should be given.

£3k for the sons honeymoon- lovely, kind, normal, parental gesture - no problem -IF we could afford

Financial support of the ex-wife - after she remarried- odd - would be unhappy

Loaning/gifting/whatever money between DH and exw - odd - would be unhappy

Keeping all of the above from me - would be furious and would want a very open, honest discussion about what is going on and when it will end, as surely it MUST end?

just my opinion.

Rindercella · 18/05/2010 12:25

Bratnav, that would be my assumption too.

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 12:26

How many woman who confess to hiding half their shopping and lying to oh's that they had the dress for ages, I have hard so many women in real life and on tv confess to this I can't even count.. it happens both ways, those women justify it well I worked for it and if I want to buy myself some shoes I damm well will, equality!

bratnav · 18/05/2010 12:26

Ooops posted too soon

My point is that he should definitely not still be giving her money as she remarried. If any of the DCs are still in FT education he might still be paying maintenance for them I suppose.

Regardless of the legal rights and wrongs of this, your DH should be honest and transparent about finances so you have the option of discussing them together.

BoldChislersMummy · 18/05/2010 12:26

I wAnt to be sympathetic to you, but your comment about the x wife 'not working' lost me I'm afraid. She was raising his kids. That is working. It also means she sacrificed having her own career, savings, pension..... Maybe your husband knows that this arrangment suited both of them at the time, maybe it was what he wanted more than she wanted?

I get nothing from my x so your now husband's x wife is 'lucky' that her x isn't a shit!, but I'd throw a bucket of cold sick over anybody who suggested that I deserve this poverty I'm in now because I "didn't work".

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